


Pieces

by kulina



Series: The Navy Street Chronicles [2]
Category: Kingdom (TV 2014)
Genre: Alvey is an idiot, California, Drug Addiction, F/M, Jay is a fucking mess, M/M, Nate is still closeted and suffering, Prostitution, Recreational Drug Use, Runaway Shelters, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-06-01 00:58:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 87,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6494572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kulina/pseuds/kulina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a SEQUEL to This Too Shall Pass. Please read that first!!</p><p>This picks back up with the Kulina clan in the same place season 2 does. Many months have passed. Zoey is still missing, Nate has just been cleared to start fighting again, and Jay is slowly losing his mind. With Lisa pregnant, Alvey making more terrible decisions, and Ryan trying to find a place in both his worlds, what could go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the music I used to write this fic. Y'all enjoy :)  
> https://8tracks.com/daysofaly/pieces  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/1210762346/playlist/04PHIwgTGueJDkvSDXpLMa

“Come on, baby, you got this!” Nate yelled. Next to him, Jay was shouting his own encouragements, his rising sun bandana tied tightly around his forehead.

It was pitch black outside, and the cage was illuminated only by parking lot’s lights. Mac was inside, fighting another mammoth. Both men were covered in blood. The “ref” called for the end of the round, and Jay bounded into the cage with Nate on his tail.

“Hey! Nice first round. Light and fresh. How you feeling?” Jay crowed as he dragged Mac to his corner.

“Terrible,” Mac sassed. “Fucking terrible.” 

“Well, ya look great! Ay, Nate, water him down.”

Nate stopped dabbing at the cut on Mac’s cheek to pour a stream of water into his waiting mouth.

“Hey, I need you to listen to something,” Jay continued. “I need you to look at me. I need you to understand one thing. Look at me, Mac, right in the fucking eyes right now!” When their gazes connected, Jay said slowly, “Pussy. Hates. A loser.”

“What?”

“Pussy hates a loser,” Nate affirmed. 

“Okay.” 

“Pussy hates a loser. What does pussy hate?” Jay asked.

“Pussy hates a loser,” Mac parroted.

“We fighting in the junkyard for a reason! Cause you a _junkyard dog!_ ” Jay shouted. “Come on, Mac!” He spanked his friend as he stood up. “You’re a bull master, motherfucker! Fuck this boy up!”

When the horn blared again to signal the start of the next round, Jay, who was high as a fucking kite, started yelling more innuendo. “He don’t like it – he _loooooves_ it!”

Nate glanced at Jay, eyebrows raised.

Mac threw one punch – there was a squelching sound, and then the guy was hitting the floor. The ref immediately called the fight. Nate threw his arms up in shock. He laughed when he realized Mac had won.

Within seconds, Jay was in the cage. He knocked Mac to the ground, peeled his own shirt off, and started to mime fucking him from behind. Mac, however, was more interested in the girl in cutoffs and a bikini top bringing him a case of beer. 

“That’s my boy!” Jay screamed. “That’s! My! Boy!” 

“I’m sorry you had to see this,” Nate said, following his brother into the cage.

“Mac, you motherfucker!” Jay yelled. He flipped Mac onto his back and lifted one of his feet. 

“Why are you doing this?!” Mac shouted back.

Nate shook his head at his brother. “Jay, stop fucking him. Stop fucking him, Jay.”

Jay cracked open one of the beer cans and took a long drink.

 

* * *

 

The water in the showers was always cold. That was the one thing about the shelter that Zoey could never get used to. She missed the hot, steamy showers she used to take at Alvey’s house. 

She soaped up quickly, running a safety razor over the little black prickles on her calves. She shampooed her long hair vigorously and rinsed well before she shut the water off and got out. She wrapped the thin, white towel around her body and scrubbed herself dry. Showering wasn’t the same in Surprise as it had been in Venice. There, it had been a daily necessity. Here, it was more of a privilege. 

Zoey shrugged her secondhand shirt over her head and wrapped her hair in a towel while she stepped into a pair of donated athletic shorts and pulled them around her hips. She took a moment to stare at her blurry reflection in the fogged up mirror before opening the door and heading back out to the shelter’s bedroom. 

“Qúe tal, Dolphin?” a little boy called. His name was Luis, and he was eleven years old. He’d showed up in the middle of the afternoon last Tuesday with a big bruise across his cheek. 

Zoey gave him a smile as she passed. She went into the staff room, sat down on the mat where she slept, and dried her hair as much as she could. She then combed her fingers through the hair atop her head, pulling it into a thick, messy bun. As she was winding an elastic over it, Ellen, the shelter manager, stopped in. 

“Hey, sweetie. We need to start getting lunch ready. How many kids today?”

Zoey held up six fingers as she got to her feet and followed Ellen down the hall.

“Okay. And we got a call – a little girl is on her way here. Sounds like she’s eleven or twelve.”

Zoey nodded. There was a time when she’d try to ask what the new girl’s situation would be, but she’d been working at Reunited long enough to know that most of the time, all the information they had was that there was a kid en route to the building. Sometimes cops brought them to the sanctuary, but most of the time, they got runaways. That’s how Zoey had turned up, after all.

She must have looked like a mess when she knocked on the glass door. It was nighttime and a woman had dropped her off right outside the door. She’d hitchhiked to Arizona, trying to get to the Grand Canyon. Jay had always said it was beautiful there, and she thought it might clear her mind. But when this woman found her shivering on a street corner in the same clothes she’d been wearing for six days, she brought her straight to the shelter.

Ellen had come to the door, asked her age, and then let her in to get warmed up. Zoey was just as thankful for the warmth as she was for the glass of water and the toothbrush that Ellen brought her.

Zoey’s birthday came and went, and summer turned to fall. School started up again, and Ellen got Zoey (“Dolphin,” she’d dubbed her, after the mute comic book character) enrolled at Willow Canyon, which was a sad school, but at least she was on track to graduate on time. She didn’t have any friends since she didn’t speak, but she found friends in the kids that came through the shelter and in Ellen and her daughter, Jo. Jo was a little older than Zoey, which meant she could help Zoey with physics. Zoey definitely appreciated that part, especially now that Nate wasn’t around to glance at her homework.

She followed Ellen into the kitchen where Jo was already getting started. 

“We’re doing a lasagna casserole,” Ellen told her. “Easy enough.”

Zoey nodded and went to grab marinara sauce from the pantry. Any time they had Italian, she was reminded of dinners at her father’s house. At Jay’s, they tended to stay away from pasta and garlic bread as much as possible as not to relive the bad memories. But at least Ellen and Jo’s recipe was as simple as it was fantastic.

“Hey, Mom, can you preheat the oven?” Jo called.

“Dolphin! Dolphin!” a small voice called urgently. Kennedy. 

Zoey set the sauce down and jogged to the door. She tilted her head in question.

“Jamie fell down and he scraped his knee real bad!” 

Zoey let little Kennedy tug her down the hall. The little kids always got into shenanigans, but the older kids couldn’t be watching them all the time. Sometimes it was better that they didn’t. One of the older boys, Joseph, was going to be in big trouble soon if he didn’t stop messing with the younger girls. Zoey felt dirty every time he looked at her, and he was only 15.

There wasn’t nearly as much blood as Zoey was expecting on Jamie’s tiny knee, but she fawned over him anyway. God knew these kids didn’t exactly have anyone to care about them anywhere else.

She sat him up on the bathroom counter like Jay used to do for her and put cool water on a paper towel. He leaned on her shoulder as she patted the blood off of his skin and bandaged him up. 

Kennedy and the other little girl Julia watched as Jamie got a hug and a kiss and was placed back on the floor.

“Is lunch soon?” Kennedy asked, drawing the attention back to herself.

Zoey nodded but smiled in spite of herself. Those kids were always hungry. She turned the sink back on to wash her hands. _It’s lasagna,_ she wanted to tell them, but she still couldn’t find her voice. 

“Can we guess?”

Zoey grinned and nodded. This was the kids’ favorite game. Guess what Dolphin is thinking. Guess what Ellen and Dolphin and Jo are making for dinner. Guess which kid Dolphin is thinking of. Guess Dolphin’s favorite color.

“Is it meat?” Julia asked.

Zoey shook her head.

“Is it pasta?”

She hesitated and then nodded.

“Kind of like pasta?”

She nodded.

“Is it casserole?” Kennedy whined.

Zoey moved her hand back and forth to say “so-so.” 

Julia propped her hand up against her chin. The girls were quiet, thinking. Zoey ripped another paper towel off the roll to dry her hands.

“Lasagna!” Jamie suddenly shouted.

Zoey nodded enthusiastically and reached down to high-five him.

“Oh, good,” Kennedy sighed in relief. “I was worried it was that god-awful green bean casserole.” At Zoey’s stern look, Kennedy apologized. “Sorry, Dolphin!”

Not only was there a strict rule about language, but the shelter had a sort of religious tone to it. They prayed before meals and before bed, and Ellen had crosses hanging in some of the rooms. She talked about Jesus sometimes, too. Jo didn’t seem too into it, but even though Zoey didn’t fully believe it, she was really taking to it. 

Jay had always believed in God and Jesus in one way or another, and Nate told her once that he thought he maybe believed in God. Still, even with her Catholic father, Zoey had grown up only going to church on Christmas, so all she really knew about were the three wise men. She felt closer to Jay when Ellen talked about Jesus, so she always made sure to be around when it happened.

Zoey pointed to herself and then in the direction of the kitchen, letting the kids know she had to get back to helping Ellen and Jo. They scurried down the hallway the way they’d come, giving Zoey a moment alone before she went back to work. She thought about her family – she wondered how Nate was doing, what Jay was up to. She wondered whether Nate had gotten back to fighting and whether Jay had stuck with it. She hoped they were getting along alright with her father. She hoped Lisa was still with Alvey. She hoped Ryan was still clean.

The days were long at the shelter sometimes, but the weeks always passed quickly. Nate’s birthday was coming soon, and Zoey had yet to decide whether or not to drop him a line. She hadn’t on Jay’s birthday because she was too afraid; the wound had still been too fresh. And still, she knew that if she heard her brother’s voices, she would want nothing more than to go home. But she’d found her own home here.

 

* * *

 

 

The last thing Jay needed was to be putting more drugs into his body, but there he was, snorting a line of coke.

“I miss your old house, man,” Mac stated.

It had been more than two months since Nate, Jay, and Christina had relocated a few blocks away. They were a little further from the beach and from the gym, and it was significantly smaller, but Christina had wanted this house, so here they were. Nate had been less than pleased with the move; not only were they leaving the place everyone knew, but the new house only had two bedrooms. One for Christina, and one – Jay insisted – for Nate. That meant two things. First, that for upwards of eight weeks, Jay had been sleeping on the couch. That made for a crankier brother. And second, even worse: it meant that there was no space for Zoey. Nate had been livid about relocating and given Jay way too much crap about it. Jay was trying to accept the fact that she’d left and move on. Nate was still connected to her, though. He could still feel the moments she laughed and the nights when she cried herself to sleep. He had no idea where she was, though, and now that Jay had basically erased her from their family, it felt like she might never be coming back. 

“Fuck my old house, dude,” Jay said breathlessly. “I like this place.” He sat down on the couch (his bed) and took another pull of cocaine through his nose. “I got my – I got my own theories about this whole fucking thing.” 

“What thing?”

“You know, about the whole business industrial complex of the sport. Sport. You know? See?” He leaned forward. “It’s fucking… it’s… it’s like, I’m a fighter, dude. I’m a fucking fighter. I’m not a sportsman, sir! Jesus!” He launched off the couch and over to pick up his weights. “Did you ever read Sigmund Freud?” 

“I know who he is.”

“He’s fucking _amazing,_ Mac. For instance. Do you ever get depressed?”

“Oh, when I think about my grandpa! Like, uh, like he was more like a father-” Mac began, but Jay quickly cut him off. 

“No, like, for no fucking reason. Like you’re sitting in your house and you can’t manage to do another fucking thing. You can’t motivate.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Mac agreed. “Yeah, I know what that is.”

“That’s fucking Freud, dude. That’s fucking anxiety, and you’re having it because you’re suppressing your impulses. All the shit that is built into you – fucking, fighting, surviving – all the animal shit. Um. But. However,” he stumbled. Mac did a line. “We have to have that. Otherwise, you cannot have a functioning society because you got motherfuckers like me who are going around stealing everyone’s money and property and fucking women. You have to _suppress_ , Mac." Jay leaned down to do another line, and when he sat back up, he had tears in his eyes. “That just, that, that – that just makes me really sad.”

“No no no no no, hey hey hey,” Mac said, smacking Jay lightly on his calf. “No no no. Hey, what are we talking about, Jay?”

Jay stared at Mac for several seconds, his lips trying to form a smile. 

“Is this… I know you said not to talk about it, but… is this about Zee?”

Jay blinked and then broke into a loud laugh. Cocaine was smeared under his nostril, and his hair was sticking out from his head in all directions. “Everybody’s too fucking careful!” he decided. “We should all man up and follow her goddamn example.”

“And do what?” Mac asked carefully.

Jay grinned wildly, trying to hide the pain in his eyes. “Get the fuck out of here.”

 

* * *

 

“I get the worst hours of anybody,” Christina complained to Nate. They’d stopped at a little café for lunch, and Nate was already done with his food. The only thing to do was scroll through his phone and listen to his mom complain.

He’d gotten used to her – it was easier to with Zoey gone. With no one to bitch about her with, she didn’t seem so bad anymore. Maybe it was just easier for Christina to behave with Zoey out of the picture.

“Nobody wants to work that shift? Give it to Christina. In the meantime, this Madison girl who has _gigantic_ boobs has Jamal wrapped around her finger. I wouldn’t be surprised if _she_ ’s making the schedule.”

“Why don’t you just tell this guy what hours you want to work?” Nate suggested.

“It doesn’t work that way, honey.” She chuckled at his innocence. “Haven’t you ever had a job?”

Nate smiled sheepishly.

“That’s actually not good.”

“I get paid to fight,” he reminded.

“Yeah, but… you need to know what it feels like to have a boss.”

“And why do I need to know that?”

Christina raised her eyebrows. “Oh, pardon me, your highness,” she sassed, mockingly bowing to him.

It reminded him of Zoey, and he smiled. He glanced down at his phone checking for the millionth – no, billionth – time to make sure he hadn’t missed a call or a text from an unknown number. 

“You’re getting a little cocky,” Christina told him. “It’s actually very attractive, Nate. Women like it.” 

“That’s good to know, Mom. Thank you.” 

In an effort to pull Nate back from his phone, she asked, “How’s Kacey?” 

“She’s good.” 

“You two doing okay?” 

“All good,” he said dismissively. He didn’t need to be discussing his beard with his mom.

“She’s not going crazy with you training? No drinking, no good food, no sex-”

“Are you almost done with that?” Nate interrupted, shaking his head.

“Almost!” 

“Good.” Nate sat back and sipped his Vita Coco.

“Is your brother ready for his fight tonight?” she asked, changing the subject. She’d already succeeded in making him uncomfortable – she didn’t want to make it too obvious. 

“The guy pulled out.”

“That’s too bad,” Christina said, her tone less than sincere. 

“Yeah, it sucks,” Nate agreed, not picking up on it. 

Her voice went up an octave. “S-so, is he gonna be home tonight?”

“No, we’re gonna watch Ryan.” 

“Hmm. Well, I guess I’ll just have the house to myself,” she said pointedly. “Again.” 

Nate gave her a tight smile and then looked away. 

“Oh, I’m not fishing for an invitation,” she grumbled. “I’ll just… sit at home and do my nails like an old retired lady whose friends have all died.” She took a vicious bite of broccoli. 

“You’re not retired,” Nate reminded her with a smirk. “You work at the Patty Palace.”

 

* * *

 

The kids were all clearing their plates and stacking their dishes for Jo when the loud buzz of the doorbell filled the air.

“Alright, show time,” Ellen said. She waved Zoey towards her and they headed for the front door. They were met by a tall police officer, who had a little girl in tow. She was thin with mousy brown hair and big, nervous brown eyes, and she had a little red backpack slung over one shoulder. Zoey gave her a reassuring smile. 

“Hi,” Ellen said to her. “I’m Ellen, and this is Dolphin. What’s your name?”

“Sophie,” she answered. Her soft voice was nearly inaudible. 

“Well, hey, Sophie. Come on in.” Ellen stepped out of the way to let her through the glass door. “Dolphin here is gonna show you where you can put your stuff, and then she’ll give you a tour. Oh, and she doesn’t talk, so if you think she’s ignoring you or being rude, she’s not. She’s really sweet.”

Sophie nodded matter-of-factly. At home, Zoey might have been a little put off by the cold behavior, but when she’d shown up here, she knew she’d acted very similarly. Every kid came for a different reason, but they had all experienced a similar darkness.

Zoey smiled at her again and motioned her toward the girls’ bedroom. There were six cots arranged in two lines on either side of the room. It was like something out of Nanny McPhee or Madeline, but that comforted Zoey. At least that was something she recognized. 

She swept her hand out over the room as if to tell Sophie to pick one. Julia and Kennedy slept next to each other in the beds on the left, and Tabby, who was 14, had chosen the furthest bed from the door on the right. Sophie took a moment and then chose the bed on the right that was closest to the door. She set her backpack down and then covered it with the pillow. It didn’t do much in terms of hiding her possessions, but if it made Sophie feel better, Zoey was glad she did it.

Zoey led her down the hall and showed her the kitchen. She took her inside and let her meet Jo, who was still doing dishes. Jo gave her a little spiel about the dining room and the food they normally ate and what time they ate it. Zoey felt a little inadequate that she couldn’t do it herself, but she reminded herself that every few days, she tried again to make herself talk. Still no dice.

“Have you met the other kids?” Jo asked.

Zoey and Sophie both shook their heads.

“Do you know where they are?” Jo inquired.

Zoey held up four fingers and then twisted her index finger and her middle finger. B R. Boys’ room.

“Okay.” She looked at Sophie. “Dolphin signs sometimes. Do you know any sign language?" 

“A little,” Sophie answered. “I learned some in fifth grade.”

“Cool! Maybe you two can talk to each other.”

Zoey only knew six or seven signs, though. They were ones she’d had to pick up out of necessity. Some things she could mime, like asking for the time, but other things like kids’ names and the locations of things were more complicated. She’d learned the alphabet, which was the most helpful. Jo and Ellen already knew it (she figured from other runaways who’d come through), and the kids thought it was fun to learn the motions. The younger ones especially picked it up very quickly.

Sophie followed Zoey down the hall to where they boys slept. The room was identical to the girls’, with six cots lining the walls. The kids were all sitting in the middle except for Joseph, who was perched on his bed, watching the younger runaways like a vulture.

Zoey snapped twice to get their attention.

“Hi!” Kennedy said, climbing out of Tabby’s lap and getting quickly to her feet. “What’s your name?” 

“I’m Sophie,” Sophie answered shyly. 

“I’m Kennedy! And that’s Julia, she’s my best friend. And there’s Tabby and Jamie and Luis.” They all waved.

“Hola,” Luis smiled. 

“How old are you?” Kennedy asked.

“Eleven.” 

“Me too!” Luis piped up.

“I’m seven,” Kennedy said proudly (Zoey had to hold in a silent laugh), “and Julia’s six.”

“I’m only five,” Jamie sighed glumly. 

“Yes, but you’re with me,” Tabby reminded, “ and I'm fourteen, so you get like five extra years for that.”

“So I’m…” he said, trying to do the math in his head.

“Ten, loser,” Joseph sneered.

“Hey!” Tabby exclaimed angrily. “Leave my brother alone.”

Jamie’s lip stuck out.

“Don’t be mean,” Sophie told Joseph. “Nobody likes mean people.”

“Then I guess nobody likes _you._ ”

“I do!” Kennedy said, grabbing onto Sophie’s hand. 

“Yeah, me, too,” Julia added. 

“And me.”

“And me!” 

“And me.” 

Zoey stepped forward with the kids, showing solidarity with them. 

Joseph, who was completely unfazed, chuckled. “Aw, the loser brigade. How sweet.” 

“At least we have each other,” Tabby told him. “You don’t have nobody!”

Zoey put a hand on her shoulder to reel her back in. All these kids came from broken environments. Nobody had it easy or they wouldn’t have run away in the first place. She lifted a finger to her lips and then tapped her wrist. _Quiet time._

The girls retreated to their room, and Jamie followed. After lunch, they were allowed to write, color, read, nap… anything that didn’t make noise. Tabby and Jamie always took a nap together, and Julia and Kennedy liked to write notes back and forth. Since Ellen and Jo always supervised this part, Zoey usually went back to her mat to sleep. (Before the cots were donated to the shelter, the kids slept on mats with one pillow and blanket each. By the time the cots came, Zoey was used to the mat and she wanted to keep it.) 

She brushed her long hair back over her shoulders and laid down. She couldn’t feel anything from Nate, which had become a blessing. Thinking about her family too much made her ache. She shut her eyes and willed a dreamless sleep to come soon.

 

* * *

 

“Eddie,” Lisa called as she walked briskly up to the promoter. She was breaking up a conversation between three men, but she didn’t give a damn. “Where’s Garo?”

“Lisa,” he smiled, “You look good. Ah, Garo had a bit of a health scare, so you got me tonight. I’m running things.”

“What happened?” 

“He has what’s called an anal fistula… how did he describe it. It’s kinda, kinda like an abcess…” 

“It’s okay,” she interrupted. “You really don’t have to-” 

“…in the asshole region.” 

“Okay, stop. Please. Please please please. That’s disgusting. What are we gonna do about Jay?”

“Ahh. I am so sorry about Jay. But what are you gonna do?" he shrugged. "It happens.” 

“No, it doesn’t ' _happen_ ,'” she countered. “You guys gotta lock down these fighters! It’s getting ridiculous.” 

“I hear you.”

“And also, just a little FYI – Jay’s on the rampage.”

“Whoa, wait, why are you pointing at me? Hassan fucked him over, not us! We’re hurting too!” 

“Fix it!”

 

* * *

 

Before dinner, Zoey scrawled a note to Ellen. _Could I go to the library?_

“Sure, sweetie. Can you pick out some books for bedtime while you’re there?” 

Zoey nodded and then headed out the door. Nate’s birthday was the next day, so she figured she should drop him an email. She knew how to block the IP address so he couldn’t trace her. Part of her wanted him to find her, but she knew she had to stay away from her family. It was better for all of them this way. 

She walked two blocks down the road to the library. They closed at 6:30 and it was only 5, so she had plenty of time. She sat down at the desktop computer that would have the least foot traffic behind it so she could disable the tracers without anyone seeing. Then she opened a blank email and stared at it for several moments. 

22, she typed. She thought about linking a YouTube video of Taylor Swift, but she decided that would be too much. She looked at the screen for another long minute and then typed a bit more. She hit send before she could change her mind.

 

 **To** : [nkulina5@gmail.com](mailto:nkulina5@yahoo.com)

 **From** : [Undisclosed Sender]

May 9, 2015           5:24 PM

 

22\. Wow.

Hope j reads you the Dr. Seuss book.

Miss you. Have a great bday tomorrow.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey!” Jay yelled, patting Eddie on the back. A fight was underway, and the promoter was shouting calmly into his phone, trying to be heard over the noise of the crowd.

Eddie turned to see Alvey’s sons, who were flanked by a tall redhead.

“Hey, pal!” Jay said again. He looked pissed. “Do you know where Garo is by any chance?”

“Yeah, I’m on the phone with him right now,” Eddie said. Bad move. 

“Hey, Garo! It’s Jay! How ya doing?!” Jay called, trying to project his voice into the phone. He was clearly drunk off his ass.

“I’ll call you later,” Eddie rushed. “I’ll call you back later.” He hung up and then looked at the Kulinas. “Hey look, I’m sorry about the fight. I talked to Lisa. We’re gonna take care of you, okay?”

“Great, yeah,” Jay replied sarcastically. “How do – how do you figure you’re gonna do that?” 

“I don’t know yet. But we’re gonna get you on a big card. A real big card.”

“Big card,” he repeated. He shook his head. “But maybe, maybe I don’t want to be on your big card. Maybe a fighter such as myself deserves better than your ghetto-ass fucking promotion.” 

“Step back a little bit, Jay,” Eddie warned. 

“These are the thoughts that start running through my head when you start denying me my fucking right to work!”

“You know what? Fuck you, Jay.”

“Oh, ‘fuck you?’” Jay mocked.

“I will take a little bit of shit from you, alright? I will fucking-“ Eddie lowered his voice. “I will eat a little bit. I’ll take a bite, but that’s it, alright?”

“Okay, we’re good,” Nate interrupted, stepping up next to Jay and putting an arm around him.

“Back the fuck up right now,” Eddie warned.

“Jay, we’re good,” Nate soothed. “We’re good.”

“I got to go,” Jay declared. “Good luck.” 

Eddie turned to Nate as Jay strutted off. “Control your boy,” he said lowly. 

Nate bristled. “The fuck did you just say to me?”

“Oh, okay, alright, tough guy,” Mac dismissed, giving Nate a little push towards his brother. “Those guys, huh?” he joked. “Mac Sullivan, heavyweight. I think you run a top-notch promotion.”

“I appreciate that, thank you,” Eddie said briskly, already moving on to the next crisis.

“I’d love to be a part of it, okay? That’s Mac Sullivan. S-U-L-L-”

“I-V-A-N, I got it,” Eddie told him. “I know how to spell Sullivan.”

“Alright!” Mac said happily. He followed Nate and Jay away, and Eddie shook his head. Fucking Navy street fighters.

 

* * *

 

Christina dolled herself up, taking extra time on her makeup and putting actual hot rollers in her hair. She put on her fanciest dress and her thinnest stilettos before heading out to the nicest hotel in the immediate area.

There she found a businessman who was wearing a wedding ring. All it took was a little bit of charm before he was sliding her his room key. She took it and disappeared upstairs.

 

* * *

 

Ryan managed to pull a victory even though his fight was slower and even worse than the last one. And even though Jay’s fight with Hassan fell through, he had managed to get himself into another fight – this one unsanctioned.

“What happened to your faces?” Christina asked as Nate and Jay walked through the door.

“Yeah, Jay,” Nate snarked. “What happened to our faces?” He stalked into the kitchen as Jay crashed onto the couch next to their mother.

“I was provoked," Jay explained dismissively. "Nate, can you make Daddy a drink, please?”

Nate flipped him off over his shoulder as he walked away.

“Well, I guess you got your fight,” Christina mused. 

Jay chuckled. “Yeah.” He sighed. “How was your night?” 

“It was nice. I meditated,” she lied. “I’ll make you a drink,” she whispered conspiratorially.

“Get some sleep, Nate. We got a big day tomorrow!” Jay called as Nate disappeared into his room.

“What’s tomorrow?” Christina inquired.

Jay blinked at her, surprised and a little upset that she didn’t know. “Oh, uh. He turns 22.”

“Oh! I’d forgotten.”

“It’s been a busy week,” Jay muttered, trying to make an excuse for her.

“Mm. What kind of drink do you want?”

“I would like some rum, please.” 

“Coming right up.” 

“Thank you.”

He tried not to remember how she'd forgotten Zoey's birthday as well as his own. She was here, and she was clean, and she loved him. And that was all that mattered... Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!! (I am way too excited about this fresh start lol)


	2. Chapter 2

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Jay shouted, careening into Nate’s bedroom and launching his body on top of his brother’s. It was 10 AM, but the house was still quiet. Or rather, it  _had_ been quiet.

Nate moaned. “Jay, shh. Go away. Let me sleep.”

“Nope! No way! You’re 22 today!” he accidentally rhymed. He laughed at himself before continuing. “And you know what that means!”

“Not the fucking birthday book,” Nate groaned.

“The fucking birthday book!” Jay shouted cheerfully. “The best Dr. Seuss book ever written! Come on, Nathaniel!”

Nate rolled from his side onto his stomach and stuffed a pillow over his head. Jay just smiled and took a seat on Nate’s lower back.

“Jay, no!”

“I wish we could do what they do in Katroo,” he began loudly. “They sure know how to say Happy Birthday To You! Every year in Katroo, on the day you were born, they start the night right in the bright early morn when the Birthday Honk-Honker hikes high up Mount Zorn and lets loose a blast on the big birthday horn!”

“Jay, you’re gonna wake up Mom. I’m sure she doesn’t want to hear this either.”

But he wasn’t bothered. This was Nate’s morning, and as much as he pretended to hate the birthday book, Jay could see through him. Tradition had always been important to Nate, and this tradition was pretty much sacred. “Then, the moment the Horn’s happy honk-honk is heard comes a fluttering flap-flap! And then comes the bird! The Great Birthday Bird! And so far as I know-”

“Katroo is the only place where Birthday Birds grow,” Nate finished dully. “I know, Jay.”

Jay whacked Nate through the pillow. “Shut up and let me read.” He looked back at the book. “Here’s the part with your name anyway.”

“I know.”

“And whether your name is NATE, Nelly, or Ned, he knows your address, and he heads for your bed! Then over the housetops and trees of Katroo, you see the bird coming. To you. Just to you! Then the bird says, ‘Come on! Brush your teeth and let’s go! It’s your Day of all Days! It’s the Best of the Best! So don’t waste a minute! Hop to it! Get dressed!”

“Are you done?” Nate asked, his face still buried under his pillow. 

“Nope. If you didn’t have birthdays, you wouldn’t be you! If you’d never been born, well then what would you do? If you’d never been born, well then what would you be? You might be a fish, or a toad in a tree! You might be a doorknob! Or three baked potatoes! You might be a bag full of hard green tomatoes! Or worse than all that… you might be a Wasn’t! A Wasn’t has no fun at all. No he doesn’t. A Wasn’t just isn’t. He just isn’t present. But you – you are you! Now isn’t that pleasant.” 

“Finally,” Nate sighed.

But then Jay cleared his throat and started singing at the top of his lungs, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOOO YOUUUUU! HAAAPPY BIIIIIRTHDAY TOOOOO YOUUUUU! HAPPY BIIIRTHDAAAAAAY DEAAAARRR NAAAAAAATE! HAPPY BIIIIRTHDAY TOOOO YOUUUUUUUUUUU!”

Nate let silence fall. “ _Now_ are you done?”

“Now I’m done,” Jay declared. He was halfway out the door when he turned around and dashed back in. “WAIT! I forgot the spanks!”

“Fuck! No! Jay!” Nate exclaimed, scrambling to flip on his back and cover his ass (literally).

“Ohhhh yes,” Jay grinned. “Show me those little buttocks! That fine piece of ass! The faster you let me do it, the faster you’re done,” he sing-songed.

“Ugh, fine,” Nate pretended to concede. Just as Jay was about to begin, though, Nate darted out of his bed and dashed through the house, clad only in his boxers. “Ha!” He smashed into Christina on his way through the teeny kitchen. “Sorry, Mom!” he called, but there was no time for embarrassment. Jay was too close behind him. 

“Birthday spanks!” Jay crowed. “Birthday spanks! 22 this year, and one to grow on! Come back here, boy!”

Nate laughed as he ran. “You have to catch me first!”

 

* * *

 

A few hours later, Nate slid a black tie around his neck and took his time tying it. He looked discolored in the yellowy locker room mirror, but it was the only reflective surface they had. He supposed he could have used the much cleaner mirror in Lisa’s office, but he knew she would watch him or offer to help, and he didn’t want that. No softness today. He had to be 100%. 

He stepped back a few feet to look at his entire body. He felt like someone else, all gussied up in pressed black pants and Alvey’s dress shoes. He was grateful for the interview, but he didn’t know why he couldn’t sit in front of the camera in shorts and a t-shirt. It was so hot in May. 

Absently, he straightened the knot at the top of the tie and then ran his fingers over the space where his stitches had been. His hair had long since hidden the scar, but the mark was still prominent under his fingers. They said he’d have it forever.

  

* * *

 

 

Nate had press coming to the gym later that morning and he didn’t want Jay hovering, so the older Kulina boy went down by the beach to work out on the ropes. While he was there, he noticed the sound of a camera shutter clicking. Then again. And then again. He glanced out of the corner of his eye and noticed that the camera was indeed pointed straight at him. 

He dropped gracefully down off the ropes and began twisting his arms and legs, striking several fighting poses. After a moment, he charged the girl in the ponytail who was taking pictures of him. 

“Hey,” he said. When she didn’t look up, he cried, “Hey!” By that time he was right in her face, and he’d definitely startled her. He was a little too high to feel guilty, but he did realize the need to explain himself. “Oh, I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m not crazy,” he told her. He smiled as he realized that was probably exactly what a crazy person would say. “My name is Jay.” He took his sunglasses off and shook her hand.

“Laura,” the girl said. She was in a black and white tank top, and her tan arms and shoulders were decorated with delicate tattoos.

“Laura, what is your last name?”

“Laura Melvin.”

“Miss Melvin, that is a very expensive camera you have there. Are you a professional photographer or will any of those photos appear in a publication?” 

“I am, and these are just for inspiration.” Laura Melvin was clearly growing comfortable with Jay’s wild personality more quickly that most people he came across. 

“Ah,” Jay said. “For inspiration.” He shrugged confidently. “Then I guess I’m your muse.” He gave her a smile full of teeth.

“Maybe,” she replied airily. “But I also shot a homeless man peeing on another guy’s sleeping back and some wet garbage I found at the beach. I guess the muse takes many forms.”

Jay was intrigued. “Indeed,” he said. He started heading back to the ropes, but she called after him.

“So, what’s your story?” 

He took a second to smile to himself before turning around with a blank face. “Well, I… I don’t know, what’s my story?” Brief flashes of Nate bleeding on the sidewalk, the frantic phone call to Lisa asking whether Zoey was in her bedroom, and Alvey’s face twisted into an aggressive growl played in his mind, but he pushed them away. “I think I’d start, you know, when I was born. I came shooting out like a fucking missile. And at first, I was interested in soft food, but then I grew teeth and I fell in love with red meat. It was all I wanted and I couldn’t get enough of it, and I think that started something in my brain, a circulation that made me want to walk and talk and kind of grow up into the beautiful young man you see before you today.”

“Okay, I get it, I get it. It was a stupid question,” Laura said, trying to sound flippant. A little bit of annoyance tinged her tone though.

“No no no, it wasn’t a stupid question, Miss Melvin. I’m just trying to give you an honest... full-fledged reply.” He pulled his tank top down over his head. 

“What do you do for a living?”

Jay sniffed proudly and stood up straighter. “I’m a fighter.”

“Oh yeah? What kind of fighter?” 

“You know. The kind that gets in the cages.” He shadow boxed a little to demonstrate.

She nodded, interested. “What’s that like?” 

“Hurts like hell, but the pay is terrible.” He grinned proudly when his words pulled a laugh out of her. Her smile was beautiful.

“Can I take a picture of your black eye?” she asked.

 Jay took a moment before he answered as he pretended to consider the question. “Yes, you can.” He peeled off his sunglasses and revealed the purple skin around his eye socket. The camera started clicking again, and Jay felt a tingling in the back of his head. It was the same feeling he’d gotten that time he let Zoey paint his nails or when Nate cut his hair. Laura was a welcome distraction from his shitty life. A welcome distraction indeed.

 

* * *

 

“Yeah. Yeah,” Nate replied to the interviewer. “Sure, this feels like a new beginning for me. Yeah, going through what I did – the injuries and not being able to fight or train – that was hard. Not being around the guys or in the gym… Uh, this is my family. There were definitely days where you feel sorry for yourself.”

“Did you ever think about not fighting anymore?”

Nate wove his fingers together as he spoke. “It wasn’t really a question of _if_ I would continue fighting just more… you know, _why_ do I fight? Why do I do this? To mature as a fighter and kind of as a person, those are the kind of questions you have to answer.” 

“Would you say you’re in good physical shape despite the injury?”

“Without a doubt, I’m in the best shape of my career. Uh, I’m carrying way less weight, I’m more explosive than I’ve ever been. My knee, structurally, is way stronger than even before the injury. I feel good, I feel ready, I’m just anxious. I feel like I’ve got one job, and that’s to get in the cage and take the guy out in front of me.”

“And, just one more thing – I read that your sister Zoey has been missing for almost a year now. Is that true?”

Nate glared. He looked off to the side at Lisa, who gave him a soft shrug. She was telling him he could say whatever he wanted.

He cleared his throat. “Uh, yeah, it’s true.”

“What’s that like?”

“Uh, it’s been tough. She's the littlest, so... We just hope she’s safe. We want her to come home.” 

“Alright, thanks, Nate.”

“No problem.” 

“Okay, Hollywood. Come on, kid, get out of this monkey suit,” Alvey said, coming up behind Nate’s chair and giving him a big bear hug. “Let’s get to work. You,” he said, pointing amiably at the interviewer, “get the hell out of my cage.” Then back to Nate, “You’re my favorite child.”

 

* * *

 

“Laura, Laura, Laura… I know it’s disappointing, but I’m just – I’m not interested. You know, I don’t model. And believe it or not, I don’t even really like cameras. I prefer my life undocumented.” 

The two had gone to get drinks together at a beach bar down the street. Jay was on his feet taking shot after shot, and Laura was sitting on a stool sipping a cocktail.

“Liar.”

He was so close he could kiss her. And he wanted to, but something about her felt… unreachable. He was into that. He left a few inches of space between them.

“I’m a very rare species,” he informed her. “I am difficult to capture.”

“You were running around here half naked. Just be what you are!”

“Hmm?” he asked.

“You’re an exhibitionist. You like to be looked at.” She was almost smug as she explained him to himself.

He gaped at her. “Oh.”

“You do,” she insisted, reaching forward and stealing one of his shots.

Jay watched her, surprised and totally out of his element. He’d never met a girl so confident. “Okay.” 

“It’s not a bad thing. It’s bad if you’re boring, but you’re definitely not that.”

And just like that, she had her hooks in him again. Jay couldn’t get enough of this girl. She built him up and then tore him down just to do it all over again. 

“If… I _was_ interested… what would this photo shoot entail?” he cautiously asked.

“It would entail me taking pictures of you, and you getting paid,” she said simply.

“Would I have any creative control?” 

“No.” 

It was a clear, crisp answer. Jay nodded. “So I just gotta do whatever you say?”

“Yeah.” 

Jay’s eyebrows shot up. “Yeah? Suppose I don’t like the concept! Suppose you wanna dress me up in like, some sort of fucking baby diaper or shaking a rattle or like, some ridiculous outfit-” 

She laughed, warm. It suited her. “Okay, that’s a fetish, and this is professional.” 

“Hm, well, to tell you the truth, I have very strong opinions on fashion, Laura.”

“Yeah, I can tell,” she replied sarcastically. She reached into her camera bag. “Here, I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you come to my studio tomorrow night, and I’ll tell you more about it?” She waved a sleek black business card at him. 

Jay tilted his sunglasses down at her. “Oh, I got you.”

“What?”

“Oh, I got you, girl, you-” He snatched her card with two fingers and dropped it on the bar top. “You are a control freak.” 

“How’s that?” 

“Cause you’re making me wait!”

She laughed again, longer this time.

“That is a form of control!” Jay continued.

“You’re paranoid,” she accused.

“Fuck yes I am! I live under a constant threat of assault!” He shadow boxed some more. “Gotta keep your hands up!”

“I gotta go,” she laughed.

“Where do you gotta go?” Jay inquired. “Come on, we’re getting settled in here!”

“I have a dinner downtown,” she said, standing up and shouldering her bag, “and you have this desperate need to be begged and adored, and I’m not the girl for that.”

Jay nodded. “I’ll tell you something. We’ve had a wonderful time having cocktails here this evening, and I’ve obviously shown that I’m much more than that Greek statue that you’ve seen outside there on the beach. I’m more than just muscle and glistening skin, and now you want me to say yes, but I’m not gonna do it. I gotta hold my ground. My line in the sand.”

She leaned forward, and Jay almost thought she was going to kiss him, but then she dropped her voice and murmured, “I’ll see you tomorrow night.” She disappeared without looking back, and Jay couldn’t help but grin to himself.

“Boom shakalaka!” he shouted, miming dunking a basketball. “He’s on _fire!_ ”

 

* * *

 

Nate blinked at his screen, his mouth gaping open like a fish. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Jay asked, laughing lightly as he looked at his brother. They were sitting on Nate's bed swapping stories about how their days had gone. Jay talked for ten whole minutes about Laura and then asked Nate about the interview at Navy Street. Nate just happened to click on his email notification when he'd finished talking. It had been sitting there for an entire day (who even used email anymore?) when he decided he was bored enough to check it. 

Nate closed his mouth, opened it as if he was going to speak, and then closed it again. 

Jay’s tone turned serious. “Nate. You okay?”

The younger Kulina boy looked over and swallowed. “She emailed me.”

“What?!” Jay sat up and looked over Nate’s shoulder.

“Look. It’s her. It has to be. ‘Undisclosed sender’? Who else would block their address?” 

Jay grabbed the phone out of Nate’s hand and quickly scanned the message. It was short and, honestly, a little banal, but it didn’t matter. That was definitely Zee. “No shit.”

“What’s going on in here?” Christina asked, peeking around the corner into Nate’s room. 

“Nothing,” Jay said, putting on a smile. “Just looking at Reddit.” 

“Oh. Well, I’m headed to work.” 

“Okay,” the boys said together. 

“Happy birthday, baby,” Christina told Nate again.

“Thanks.”

As soon as the door swung shut behind her, Jay was on his feet, staring intensely at Nate’s phone. “We’ve got to figure out how to fucking trace this.”

“Yeah, but Jay, we’re never gonna get an IP address if we don’t even have the email account she sent it from. Clearly she doesn’t want us to know where she is.”

“Yeah… but I know a guy.”

 

* * *

 

It turned out Ryan didn’t know how to trace it, but he did know a way to reply even without knowing where it came from. It took him an entire day, but he managed somehow. He called Jay as soon as he was finished and had them come over. He excused himself from the room to let Jay and Nate write out their message in private. Nate sat down at Ryan’s clunky, black laptop and began typing.

 

_Hey, Little Zebra._

_I had a great birthday. Thanks for remembering. Jay did read the book of course. He crash landed on top of me and everything. Wish you could have seen it. I’m surprised you didn’t send me a Taylor Swift card haha. (I know how much you secretly love her. I think of you every time that stupid Shake It Off song plays.)_

_It’s so good to hear from you, you don’t even know. We miss you so much. We’re doing good though. I hope you’re safe wherever you are. Jay says to tell you to eat more and stay warm. Please call us, we have so much to tell you. We love you._

_Please come home._

_Nate_

 

* * *

As Zoey read Nate’s message at the library two days later, her blood ran cold. She didn’t think he would have been able to reply. And since he had, had he been able to trace her location?

It was way too good to hear from Nate, though - she let herself admit that much. She read the message in her brother’s voice even before she saw the signature. And of course, she should have figured that Nate would tell Jay about the message and let him get a say in the response. But it comforted her in a way; Nate and Jay were still alright, and they were still together. That was the best thought in the world.

Still, she didn’t want them to find her. She didn’t think she could ever return to Venice, not after she ran away like that. Even if they said they wanted her back, who could really want her after what happened? She’d gotten herself raped, and she was cutting herself. She was too fucked up. They deserved better. 

Her stomach was in knots, but luckily Sophie was there to ground her. They were at the library picking more books for bedtime. Zoey had been distracted last time and only gotten three, which meant they went through all of them in one night. Oops.

Sophie picked out some that she remembered liking when she was a few years younger. “My dad used to read us this one,” she said. As soon as the words left her mouth, her face fell. 

Zoey looked over at her and sensed that the girl needed a hug. She walked over and put an arm comfortingly around the younger runaway. 

“I’m okay,” Sophie murmured. She stayed in Zoey’s grasp for a moment before forcing herself to crouch down to study the bottom shelf. 

Zoey watched her sadly for a few seconds and then resumed looking as well. She was starting to understand the way Ellen felt about her.

 

* * *

 

“I heard Alvey can be an asshole.”

“Who said that?” 

“Some of the guys at my old gym.” 

Ryan was lounging on the floor with the new girl Lisa had found. Her name was Alicia, and she was gorgeous – dark skin with even darker wavy hair and big brown eyes that crinkled around the edges when she grinned. She had a loud, raspy voice and a sharp wit to match.

“Yeah, probably guys that he ran out of there,” Ryan smirked.

“Any advice how I can avoid that?” she asked.

“Yeah. Work hard, have talent,” he replied easily. “He sees that and he won’t leave you alone.”

She chuckled, taking it in. “That’s good to know.”

“I’m serious!” He changed the subject. “So what’s up with you, you got anything coming up?”

She sighed. “I wish. Lisa says we should wait and make sure it’s the right fight.”

“Smart. Listen to her. She knows what she’s doing.” 

“You’ve known her a long time, right?” 

“A long time. Since before Alvey.”

“Yeah, what is up with that?” she asked, unknowingly treading into dangerous territory. 

“What is up with what?” Ryan asked cautiously.

“I mean, they’re running the place together, they’re having a-” 

“Yo, Ryan!” Alvey interrupted, calling from several feet away. “My office. Now.” 

“Ooooh,” Ryan murmured to Alicia. He stood up and followed his coach into his office. “Yeah?”

“What the fuck is this?” Alvey asked sharply, holding up an envelope.

Well, fuck. Word got around quick. “I know we usually do ten percent-” 

“No, we _always_ do ten percent. Every fighter pays ten percent. This way I don’t have to have these stupid fucking conversations.”

Ryan kept his voice calm as he defended himself. “You know, I’m still getting back on my feet, coach. I got lawyer bills, I got rent…” 

“Well, I – wait, I thought your place was free.” 

“Yeah, but I still got power, I got cable. Look, I’m not trying to dick you over, this is real-” 

“Do me a favor and shut the fuck up,” Alvey aggressively cut him off. “You got popped for cocaine. Fucking cocaine! What the fuck are you thinking?”

Fuck. So Alvey already knew about the drugs, too. He thought he had a few more days at least. “Hey, I… I was nervous about the fight. I just fucking spun out, coach.”

“You are walking a very fine line, my friend,” Alvey told him through gritted teeth. “I’m not even talking about your career. I’m talking about going back to prison. Your fucking _life_ , Ryan.” He lowered his voice. “Do we need to get you into some kind of treatment facility?” 

“No, _no_.” Fuck. Three lines of coke, and all the trust and respect Ryan had built up with his coach had shattered. That's all it took.

“We could probably do it quietly,” Alvey continued, almost more to himself than to Ryan.

“No, I’m _not_ doing that. This is _not_ happening. This is one time; it’s never gonna happen again.” 

“Neither is this,” Alvey said, picking up the measly envelope of cash that Ryan had given Lisa and throwing it angrily down on the desk. “This never happens again or you’re out of here. You’re fucking done.” 

A moment of quiet settled over the office, signaling the end of the confrontation.

“So… what do we do now?” Ryan murmured. 

Alvey sighed. “Well, because we’re all crooked as fuck in this business, Garo’s willing to bury it. He wants your next six fights.”

“How much?” Ryan asked wearily.

“Not what you’re worth.” He grew angry again. “Plus, I don’t even know if you have six fights left.” 

At Ryan’s confused expression, Alvey elaborated and held up two fingers a centimeter apart. “You’re this close to fucking it all up again.” He shook his head, disgusted. “Amazing.” 

Ryan rubbed an ashamed hand over his face. He was about to say something else when he thought better of it, tucked his hands into his sweatshirt pocket, and headed out Alvey’s door.

 

* * *

 

The microwave timer dinged in the lounge, catching Kacey’s attention. She looked up from her phone for the first time in thirty minutes just in time to see Nate pulling out a paper plate with a piece of chicken breast.

“I thought we were going to get Mexican,” she reminded him.

“We are.”

“But you’re about to eat.” 

“So?” 

“So… why would we get Mexican?” 

“Well, we can still go,” he told her, his mouth full of food. “I’ll sit with you.”

“Oh,” she said sarcastically. “That’s fun.”

Nate inwardly groaned. “Kacey, I gotta eat after I train. That doesn’t mean you still can’t go get Mexican.” He took another bite.

She raised her eyebrows. “And so I’m supposed to just go eat a bunch of fucking tacos in front of you, Nate? No, we’re supposed to go together.”

“You’re right,” he said, chewing quickly. He swallowed. “That was the plan. We’ll go. We’ll get Mexican. It’s fine.” 

“You don’t want to,” she said quietly. 

“No, no, I do,” he lied, “I do.” He needed to keep her if he was going to keep pretending to be straight, and that meant putting up with her again. She was putting up with him, after all. He forced a small smile. “I’ll find something there; it’s not a big deal.” At her silence, he prompted, “Alright?”

“Okay,” she whispered, smiling a little too.

“Okay?” he confirmed. 

“Okay.” She smiled for real then. She was pretty, Nate had to give her that much. He leaned forward and gave her a quick peck on the lips because that's what boys were supposed to do.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, man. Hey, bud,” Ryan smiled as Keith came over to him. Even though he was still in an orange jumpsuit, it was always so good to see the guy. He was like a little brother to Ryan, and as annoying as he could sometimes be, Ryan still felt protective over him and missed him when they’d been apart.

“Did you win your fight?” Keith questioned eagerly before he even sat down.

“Yeah, I did. I did, actually. Thanks for asking.”

Keith’s proud smile was so bright that it hurt Ryan’s heart.

“Was it crowded?” he asked.

“Uh, yeah.”

“Ryan, it must have been electric,” Keith stated happily. “Was Lisa there?”

“She was.”

“And did you let her have sex with you?” 

Ryan bit his lip awkwardly. “No, man, uh. That’s not… that’s not happening, man.” 

“Oh. Why not?” Keith’s eyes were wide, sad. 

“Well, uh. She and Alvey are having a kid together and we’re just-”

“What?!” Keith exclaimed, his face screwing up in anger and confusion. “What the fuck?! What the _fuck_ , Ryan?!” His voice echoed loudly through the small visiting room.

“Hey,” Ryan placated. 

“Ryan!” 

“Shh,” Ryan muttered, putting up a hand to quiet him.

“He took – he – why?!”

“I don’t know, man. They’re together now. It’s – relax.”

“How long have you known about it?” Keith asked, concerned about Ryan now.

“It’s – we’re not talking about this, Keith. Honestly, I’m good, it’s fine. Just calm down. Got it?” 

Keith blew out a breath. “Well, _she_ fucked up,” he grumbled.

“Okay,” Ryan said shortly, but then he realized Keith was being sweet in his own way. He sighed. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

“How’s, how’s my house?” Keith asked. 

“It’s _nice,”_ Ryan said sincerely, thankful for the change of topic. “It’s nice, man.” 

Keith smiled proudly. “I know. It’s our – it’s _our_ house.” 

“Yeah, bud,” Ryan smiled. He glanced around nervously as the door buzzed. It was a different prison, but just being in the environment made Ryan antsy.

“There’s two bathrooms,” Keith told him, “I don’t know if you saw.”

“Yeah! Luxurious. I only use one.”  
  
“Well, that’s cause you’re humble.”

“Hell yeah, dude. Thanks.” Ryan held up his fist for Keith to bump.

“I don’t know if I can touch you,” Keith said sadly. 

Prison rules. Wheeler had forgotten. “Yeah,” he muttered, looking away.

 

* * *

 

“Luis!” Ellen called, coming up to the doorframe. All the kids were sitting in a circle playing Uno, but they paused when they heard her voice. “I got a surprise for you, buddy. Come here.”

Everyone got up and trailed after Luis as he followed Ellen down the hall like a puppy. She led him to the entry and gave him a little push through the door. He gasped and then cried, “Abuela!” He ran to a small, wrinkly woman clad in a purple dress. She threw her arms around him. They were both sniffling and smiling. 

Joseph shook his head and disappeared back down the hall, but all the other kids remained, hovering around Zoey. She wrapped Julia and Kennedy in each arm. Kennedy clung to the bottom of Zoey’s tank top, and Julia buried her face in Zoey’s side. “It’s okay,” she wanted to tell them, but her voice wouldn’t come out.

Luis and his grandmother were conversing quickly in Spanish, and Zoey didn’t bother trying to pick out what they were saying. The emotions on their faces were enough. She was truly happy for him, but it was hard to watch. It made her miss her own family more than she had for several months.

The beginning had definitely been the hardest. She’d finally grown out of wanting to call Nate to ask a question or accidentally leaving the door open during her nap so Jay could come close it behind her. She missed her talks with Lisa and the way she’d finally started growing closer to her father. She missed her family so much, but the feelings had subsided a bit and definitely gotten more manageable. But now it was like she was feeling it all over again. 

Tabby sniffed behind her and picked Jamie up off the floor. Zoey turned and gave her a sad smile, as if to say, “I know.” Tabby moved forward, and Zoey let go of Julia to put her arm around Tabby’s shoulders.

Ellen looked at them all sadly. “Alright, you guys. Say goodbye to Luis.”

Kennedy, of course, got to him first. “I love you,” she told him. “I’m going to miss you so much!”

“Aw, Kennedy,” he said. “I’ll miss you, too.”

“Me, too,” Julia said, stepping next to her best friend to throw her arms around Luis’ middle.

When the little girls backed up, it was Tabby and Jamie’s turn to say goodbye. “I don’t want you to leave!” Jamie cried, flinging his arms around Luis as well. The older boy scooped him up and gave him a big hug.

“I’m sure they’ll let you stay with your sister now.” It went unspoken that there was no way Ellen would let Jamie stay alone in a room with Joseph. “I’ll miss you, little buddy.”

Tabby was crying a little when she got her hug. “Thanks for taking care of Jamie. You’re a great friend.”

Luis got teary then, too. “No problem, Tab. I’m sure I’ll see you around,” he lied.

She stepped back and nodded.

Zoey went up and wrapped her arms around him. He leaned into her, squeezing her tightly. “Adios, Dolphin.” And then Ellen. “Adios, Ellen! Gracias.” He turned to the kids. “Bye, you guys. Mantenerse a salvo. Te amo.” _Stay safe. I love you._

“Bye, Luis!” they cried. It was a loud chorus of _goodbye_ s and _we love you_ s, and then the door swung shut behind him and it was over. Tabby retreated to the girls’ room, and the rest of the kids (which was only 3 now, not counting Joseph) went back to the boys' room play Uno. 

Zoey tried to stay positive – the fact that he was going to a safe place was literally the whole point of the shelter. Kids came and went all the time, but it was hard not to make friends and get attached. And Luis was always so sweet.

Zoey's head was aching, and she wasn’t sure why, so she silently excused herself to the staff room to lie down on her mat. She laid down on the thin pillow and pulled her small, square blanket up to her chin. As much as she liked being here, and as much as she didn't want to go home to Venice, and as much as she didn't want to bother her brothers, she would have killed for Jay and Nate to have walked through that door instead of Luis' grandmother. She hated herself for that. She glanced behind herself to make sure the door was shut firmly before she let herself cry.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have a thousand extra words because I have no self control ;) If you love Nate as much as I do, this might be an interesting chapter for you.

Nate’s head was pounding. The ache webbed across his forehead, pulsed in his temples, and reached all the way around to the back of his head. He thought eating some dinner would help, but it wasn’t making much of a difference.

“Nate, you okay?” Lisa asked. 

“Uh, yeah,” he replied, looking up at her. He could cope with a little headache. What was wrong with him?

“Do you want the mashed potatoes?” 

“Please,” he answered. By the way she’d asked him, he could tell it wasn’t the first time. Nate felt bad. 

“So,” Jay started.

The family was at Alvey’s house, minus Christina of course. She didn’t care much about what happened to Zoey, but every month, the rest of the Kulina clan got together to give any updates on Zoey or new theories about where she might have gone. There hadn’t been much after the first two dinners, but finally the boys had something to share. 

“Wait, first,” Alvey interrupted. “I know it’s been a few days, but better late than never – to the birthday boy,” he said, lifting his wine glass. “Salute.” _Cheers._

“Salute,” Nate and Jay echoed in unison, each raising their own. Lisa lifted her water and smiled at Nate. He tried to return the smile, but the pulsing in his head made it difficult. He hoped his pain wasn’t showing. 

“Alright, who wants to go first?” Lisa asked.

“Me,” Jay declared firmly. Without pausing for breath, he launched into his news. “Zee emailed Nate on his birthday.”

“What?!” came Lisa and Alvey’s response.

“Well actually, it was the day before his birthday. But it was a birthday email.”

“What did she say? Where the fuck is she? Is she okay?” Lisa demanded. “What did she say?” she asked again.

“22. Wow,” Jay began from memory. He and Nate both had the message memorized from reading it so many times. “Hope Jay reads you the Dr. Seuss book. Have a great birthday tomorrow.” 

Lisa nodded, taking it in.

Jay continued, “The fucking address was blocked, and she didn’t sign it, but we knew it was her. Nobody else knows I still read them that book every year.”

“So you couldn’t see where the message came from?” Alvey asked. 

“Yeah. I was hoping we could trace the IP address of whatever computer she’d used, but we couldn’t find a way to trace it. She put some sort of protection on it, I don't know. But we did get Ryan to hack into it and figure out how to let us send a response anyway.”

“What did you say to her?” Lisa asked. 

“That we love her and we want her to come home.” 

“I wrote back,” Nate said, speaking quietly as not to agitate his headache further. “I responded to what she’d said and told her it was really good to hear from her. And yeah, I told her we miss her a lot and that she’s always more than welcome at home when she’s ready to come back.” 

Lisa nodded again. “Good.”

“Nate, you okay?” Jay asked.

“Yep.” 

“You sure? You look like you’re-”

“I’m fine,” he snapped. “It’s not me.”

Jay nodded and fell quiet, running a hand up and down Nate’s back in a silent apology. Nate rubbed at his forehead with the heel of his hand as he willed Zoey’s pain to stop. Alvey and Lisa pressed them with more questions, and it only intensified Nate’s migraine.

“I’ll be right back,” Nate murmured suddenly, standing up from the table a few minutes later. He’d hardly touched his food; everyone at the table had noticed that much.

“You alright?” Alvey asked.

Nate didn’t respond. He trudged up the stairs and into his room, where he sat down on his bed. He cradled his head in one of his hands and fought the urge to lie down. But the pain was spreading, radiating into his jaw and down the back of his neck.

“Zebra,” he muttered, leaning into his pillows and pulling his feet up onto the bed. He toed his shoes off and shut his eyes.

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed when he heard his door creak open a few inches.

“Fuck off, Jay,” he whispered flatly.

“It’s me,” Lisa responded quietly. “I wanted to come check on you. Are you doing okay? I don’t speak your language.”

Nate huffed softly in amusement. “I just meant…” He sat up on his elbow. “I have a headache, but it isn’t my head that actually hurts. Zee has a migraine.”

“And you can feel it?” Lisa asked, moving to sit down at the side of Nate’s bed. She rested a hand on her big belly.

He sighed. “Yeah. It hurts like hell.” He swallowed, letting some real honesty come through. “That’s why I can’t let go of her. We moved to that tiny house, and I was so mad at Jay… There’s no room for her if she comes back. He’s trying to put her behind him, but I just can’t.” 

“He’s trying to get used to the fact that she’s gone, but Nate, that doesn’t mean that he stopped loving her,” Lisa reminded gently. She reached her hand up and rested it on his head. 

He was going to argue, but her palm was warm on his forehead, and it was so comforting that it made his eyes shut and his mouth fall slightly open. “Do you think she’s going to come back?” he asked, eyes still closed. 

“I really hope so, baby.”

He laid back down and nodded as much as he could without dislodging her hand. It felt so good on his aching head.

Lisa watched as Nate relaxed under her fingers. She ran them in slow circles over his aching forehead and wondered if this was what it was going to be like to be a mother. Sitting at a child’s bedside instead of at dinner, sincerely wanting to watch them and take care of them and make sure they were alright.

“I fucking miss my sister,” Nate muttered, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice. “When we both had migraines like this or stomachaches or whatever, she’d come in here and get in bed with me, and we’d just sleep. We wouldn’t have to talk or move or anything cause we’d both just _know._ You know? I miss that. I miss her. Why won’t she just come home?”

Lisa looked at him sadly. “I think she’s dealing with what happened to her in her own way. Everybody’s different.”

“I know, but doesn’t she know we just want to help?”

Lisa sighed. “I think she knows that. She definitely knows you guys love her to death. But maybe it’s easier for her to process things when she’s not so close to where it happened.”

“If she came back, I could just tell her we moved,” Nate grumbled.

“I’m not sure it’s that simple, baby.”

“Yeah.”

Lisa leaned down and kissed his temple. She didn’t have anything else to say, so she just kept massaging his forehead until he fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

Zoey blinked quickly awake to two sharp raps on the door

“Dolphin, baby?” Ellen asked, pushing the door open. “I know it’s early, but there’s a man here to see you.” 

Zoey sat up, eyes wide. Had someone heard her soft prayers the other night? Were her brothers really there to get her? She quickly drew her hand around her forearm several times in a circle.

“Tattoos?” Ellen asked. 

She nodded. She’d been tracing Jay’s tribal ink into her skin. 

“No, not like that. He has a buzz cut and-” 

She quickly drew a line over her other forearm and signed M-E-R-C-Y. She raised her eyebrows in inquiry. 

“No, not a word. He has a big one down his shoulder, lines and stuff. Like a pattern. Says his name’s Ryan?”

Zoey shoved the blanket off her legs and flew past Ellen, sprinting down the hall in her pajamas. She banged through the main door and grinned when her eyes landed on Ryan Wheeler.

“Hey, you,” Ryan grinned.

She ran to him, delighted, and leapt into his arms. He clung tightly to her, squeezing the breath out of her, but she was sure she was squeezing the breath out of him, too. Her secondhand plaid pajama pants were wrapped tightly around his middle, and she buried her face in his shoulder. He smelled the same as he had when she was a child, and it was so overwhelmingly comforting that she found herself fighting back tears. She never wanted him to put her down.

Ellen popped her head around the door. “Are you her boyfriend?” she asked bluntly.

Ryan laughed, setting Zoey back on the floor. “No. I’m twenty-eight years old. Her oldest brother is my best friend.” 

“I see,” Ellen said protectively, watching as Zoey wrapped her arms around him again and beamed up at him. 

“He raised her, and I helped sometimes. She’s like a little sister to me.” Ryan ruffled her hair.

“I’ve never seen her so happy,” Ellen mused, “and she’s been here almost nine months.”

“Ten,” Ryan corrected.

“Uh, no, I’m pretty sure it’s just been nine. She got here in September.”

Ryan looked down at Zoey, who had begun staring intently at the floor. “September, huh? We need to catch up, don’t we?” he asked. 

She shrugged. 

“Come on, Little Zee.” He put his arm around her shoulders, and the two followed Ellen to the dining room. 

“I’ll give you two some privacy,” the she told them as they sat side by side at the long, wooden table. “I’ll be in the office if you need me,” she said pointedly to Zoey.

“So no more talking again, huh?” Ryan asked once they’d sat down and the door was shut behind them.

Zoey shrugged again.

“That’s okay.” He smiled at her and nudged her cheek with his knuckles. “I missed you so fucking much.”

She pointed at him and held up two fingers, the simple signs she’d made up coming automatically. _You, too._  

“Do you like it here? Are they… is everybody nice?” To be honest, even though he'd only been in the building a few moments, the system already kind of reminded him of prison. And Ellen had been strict with him, but he couldn’t tell whether or not she was always like that.

Zoey held up a finger and disappeared around the corner. She returned a minute later with a notepad and a pen. _They keep this in the kitchen for me. I help in there whenever I can. Yeah, everybody’s nice._

“That’s good.” 

_I get to play with the little kids too. One of them went home yesterday though :(_

“But that’s good, right? I mean, they want you guys to find your families. That’s why it’s called Reunited.” 

Zoey shrugged. _It’s hard when you’re all friends. Feels like camp._

Ryan gave her a little smile.

She changed the subject. _How did you get here?_

“An hour and twenty minutes on a plane, half an hour on a bus.”

Her eyes widened. _You flew here?_ She underlined ‘flew’ twice.

“No worries. I wanted to come see you.” At her still-shocked face, he added, “It was barely a hundred bucks, okay? The flight home’s even cheaper. God, it was worth every penny.”

She smiled and drew a heart. Then underneath it, _Do Jay and Nate know? Or my dad?_

“No. I didn’t tell anyone. They didn’t even know I could find you. I… I kind of told them I couldn’t. I didn’t want them to get all fucking worked up over nothing if it turned into a dead end, you know? I wanted to make sure you were really here.” 

She nodded. That was understandable. _How did you find me anyway?_  

“I’ve always been pretty good with computers, I guess; I used to fuck around and hack stuff for fun when I was in high school.”

Zoey raised her eyebrows.

“I know, I know,” he said, shaking his head. “It’s dumb, but at least some of it paid off. I got through your redirection, which took a day and a half – nice job, by the way – and I found the library. I called over there and asked about you, and they put me on the phone with some lady who knew you. She was the one that told me you’ve been living at the shelter.”

 _Violet?_ Zoey wrote.

“Yeah, I think that was her name.”

Zoey nodded. _She always tells me when new books come in for the little kids._

“Oh, that’s cool. But yeah, she told me you were staying here. That was yesterday on the phone, and then I caught the first flight here.”

Zoey smiled at him gratefully. The _thank you_ was understood even without her writing it down. She reached out and hugged him.

“Would you… do you wanna come home with me? I have enough for an extra ticket.”

Zoey was careful to keep her face expressionless as she sat back and reached for the pen. _My school gets out in three weeks._

“Ah, you’re in school?” He sounded impressed.

She nodded. _I’m graduating._

“Congratulations! That’s so awesome, Little Zee!” 

She didn’t writing stop to acknowledge his praises. _I do kind of want to go home, though. I miss my brothers so much._

“They miss you, too. Jay won’t even let us talk about you some days cause it hurts him so bad.” 

Zoey frowned.

“No, it’s okay though,” Ryan said quickly. “He’s not mad or anything. He just misses you a lot. And Nate, too. He leaves if your name comes up.”

Zoey nodded sadly. _How are they? Still fighting?_

“Uh, yeah, yeah. Nate’s doing real well. He's in camp right now, actually. And Jay’s still fighting, yeah. He’s got an okay record, but he’s got more wins than losses, so.”

Zoey smiled. _Good._ _And how is Lisa?_

“She’s doing real good. Still managing Jay and everything, still with your dad.” He left out the information about the baby. He wasn’t sure how Zoey would take it, and he figured they could cross that bridge when they came to it.

Zoey nodded. _I think about her every day._  

“We all think about you all the time,” Ryan told her. 

_Please don’t tell them where I am._

“Little Zee…”

She looked at him with wide eyes and jotted, _Please don’t. I’m not going to do the graduation ceremony or anything, so it’s not a big deal. They said I can get my diploma after. Maybe I’ll come home once I’m done with school._

She scratched out the last line and scrawled, _I promise I’ll come home when I’m done with school. I miss Jay and Nate so much. _

“Why did you leave Venice?” he asked softly. 

She shrugged. _I needed to get away. Felt like I couldn’t breathe. I thought if I left I could find…_  She paused, thinking of the right word. _Peace_ , _maybe? And I guess I did. I like it here. I don’t like the school much but I’m almost done, and I like the kids here. I made friends with Ellen’s daughter Jo, and I get to cook like at home, just for more people. It’s been good being here but the longer I’m sitting with you, the more I want to see my brothers._

“Then come home.” 

She avoided his eyes. _Not yet._

  

* * *

 

 

“What’s going on with you today?” Kacey asked. “You look so… sad.”

Nate was parked on the couch as usual, playing video games. He was even more withdrawn than he typically was, though, and Kacey had spent enough time with him to know that something was really wrong. 

“I’m not sad,” he bit. He was upset, yes, and worried. But he didn’t want to sound like a pussy, so he had to avoid the word sad.

“Are you…”

“Can we not have this conversation right now?” He fumbled rapidly with the controller, shooting the soldier after soldier on the screen.

“Are you mad at me?”

He blew out a breath. “No.”

“Then… Nate, is this about your sister?”

Nate paused the game in frustration. How had she possibly picked up on that? Unless Alvey had said something to her. Fuck. “I told you not to talk about her.”

“I’m sorry. I’m just worried about you.” 

“Yeah, well I’m worried about _her,_ so if we could just not-” 

“Tell me about her?” Kacey interrupted. “I remember seeing her at your old place sometimes when Jay threw those parties, but I never talked to her or anything.”

“Kacey…”

“What? You two were always inseparable. It’s not like we didn’t know you hid in her room with her on the nights you didn’t want to drink.”

He smiled faintly at the memory. “We had a secret knock,” he confessed, “so she knew it was me and not somebody trying to get into her room to fuck. It was too loud sometimes to yell through the door, so the knock was like, our signal.” 

“That’s sweet,” Kacey said, and she actually sounded sincere. “What else?”

Nate shrugged, focusing on the screen and unpausing the game. “Nothing.”

She sighed. “Well, what are you thinking about now?” When he didn’t answer, she pressed, “You can tell me these things, you know.”

“I just wish I knew where the fuck she was, I guess. She was always kind of me and Jay’s responsibility cause my dad wasn’t… he didn’t care much for us then. He’s a lot better now. But yeah, Zee’s out there somewhere, and I always feel like I need to know whether she’s okay. And me and Jay don’t really talk about her now, because there’s nothing really to say, and it’s just scary. It’s like sometimes he wants to forget she even fucking existed, and I can’t – I don’t ever want it to be like that for me. It might sound dumb, but she’s my best friend.” 

Kacey rubbed his back, and for once, Nate didn’t feel the need to pull away. He felt weak and pathetic, needing to talk so much that week, but he couldn’t help it. Hearing from his little sister again made it real all over again. And that brought the fear back with it.

“I can’t even imagine if my brother was missing,” Kacey admitted. “It must be so awful. And she’s been gone _so long._ They’re sure she wasn’t like, kidnapped or something?”

“No, she was all weird the days before she disappeared. Mac was the last one to see her, and he said she said, ‘I have to get out of here.’ I just want her to come back,” he murmured.

“She will.”

Nate paused the game again and looked at her. “It’s been ten months now. Almost eleven. What if she’s on drugs or something? What if she has a kid now or she left the country or she doesn’t even know where she is?”

Kacey gave him a look that told him he was being crazy. “She didn’t seem like the type for any of that.” 

Nate shook his head. “She changed so much last summer. Something really bad happened to her.” 

Kacey tilted her head.

“She stopped talking because of it, I don’t know if you were around then. Jay wasn’t having a lot of parties cause I got hurt, and we knew something fucked up was going on with Zebra cause she wouldn’t talk.”

“Zebra?” Kacey repeated.

“Zee. Sorry.” He shook his head. “I’ve always called her that. But she changed. She started hurting herself on purpose. She full-on yelled at Jay at one point a couple days before she left, and that’s really not like her. And then she called me a cunt and got me to beat her up.”

“You hit your little sister?” Kacey asked incredulously.

Nate huffed. “I know it sounds bad, but we used to spar together a lot. She was different that day, though, taunting me, provoking me. And it got really out of hand. We cut each other up. That was the day before she ran away.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” 

Kacey nodded. “Okay.” Silence settled over them and she watched him play his video game some more. Seemingly suddenly, she swallowed. “I love you.” 

Nate froze. A few heavy seconds passed while he tried to come up with something to say. He finally just leaned toward her and kissed her on the cheek. A soft smile from him got her to grin. She didn’t seem to mind that he didn’t say it back. Whew. He passed.

 

* * *

 

 

“You are a deceptively stupid man,” Jay told Ryan the next day. “At first blush, you seem like a smart man. But at second blush, you are a fucking moron.”

The flight back from Phoenix had seemed quicker than the one over. It was barely an hour, but Ryan had still felt exhausted that night when he got home. He slept like a baby. 

It was incredibly hard not to mention Zee to Jay, especially when he’d seen her so recently, but Jay had wanted to tag along when Ryan mentioned he was going to the furniture store, so here they were. Couch shopping was more complicated than Ryan was expecting. His first apartment had come furnished (thank God), so he’d never exactly done this before.

To avoid fucking up and mentioning Zoey, Ryan threw himself under the bus and brought up what happened with Garo, Alvey, and the cocaine before the fight. Three minutes later, Jay was still tearing into him. 

“You _know_ they’re gonna test you! Why don’t you wait _one more night?_ You could do all the blow in fucking Baja. I would have done it with you!” 

“What do you want me to say?” Ryan asked, wandering up to a dark leather sofa and plopping onto it. “I already feel like shit about it. It’s… it’s… it’ll blow over. Alvey’s taking care of it.” 

“Oh, is he?” Jay asked sarcastically, shaking his head.

“Yeah.”

“Of course he is. Why wouldn’t he?”

“Fuck off, man. I got six fights for dog shit money.”

“Yeah, am I supposed to be offended right now?” Jay inquired. 

“About what?” What did any of this have to do with Jay? 

“About the fact that you’re treating my old man like a little fucking bitch.”

Ryan scoffed, but that only pushed Jay to continue.

“You could kill a little baby while it’s sleeping and Alvey would help you dig the grave.” 

“Well, he ain’t doing it for me, pumpkin,” Ryan muttered. It was easy to see that Alvey was severely disappointed in Ryan; it was his own ass that he was saving, not Wheeler’s. Though truthfully, Jay probably wasn’t wrong about the dead baby. 

They settled onto a chocolatey leather sofa and formed a sort of truce.

“Ahhh,” Jay said. “You like this couch?”

“I don’t know. I’m just not sure about the leather,” he admitted.

“Nah, man, you don’t want it cloth. Ghetto rich don’t like it cloth. Ghetto rich… you’re all about the leather, son.” He turned to his best friend. “But you know, you gots to buy the whooooole set.”

“No, I’ll only get the couch.”

“Yes sir,” Jay said, ignoring him and stretching out. “The whooooole damn set. Mmm! See how good it feels against your skin? This is nice.”

“It’s so soft, man.” So, so soft compared to the old, collapsing couches in the prison rec room. To Ryan, this sofa was like a work of art.

“Yeah. Furniture d’elegance.”

Sensing that the argument had calmed for the time being, Ryan turned to a lighter topic. “Hey, uh… you check out Lisa’s new chick?”

“The one that came to your fight?”

“Alicia. Yeah.” Ryan made a face at him that Jay hadn’t seen in years; the expression had been their form of code. “She was in today.”

“Yeah yeah?” Jay prompted, raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah yeah,” Ryan confirmed.

“Oh, yeah?” Jay grinned. 

“ _Oh_ , yeah.” 

Jay nodded in support. “You just can’t keep that hog in its pen!” 

“Hey, excuse me sir!” Ryan interrupted, calling to the employee he spotted. “How much for the couch?”

“The whole set,” Jay corrected.

“No, the couch. Just the couch. I got cash,” he said, holding up a wad.

“Be right back,” the salesman said.

“Cheap fucking bastard,” Jay chastised. 

Jay held up his tiny flip phone for a selfie with his best friend and the money. “Smile, handsome.”

Jay rolled his eyes.

The camera shutter clicked.

 

* * *

 

 

“You gonna make me one?” Kasey was watching Nate blend another smoothie. He was going to turn into one soon if he didn’t watch himself. ‘You are what you eat’ and all that.

“Do you want one?” he asked, his voice dead.

She rolled her eyes up to the ceiling. “No.”

Nate poured the drink into a plastic cup and returned to the couch and Advanced Warfare.

“Ugh, god, I’m so bored,” Kasey groaned. She flopped backwards, curling her short hair behind her ear.

“Read a book.” The words slipped out before he could stop them. It was the same retort he gave to Zoey when she was bored, but she actually _would_ go read a book. Kacey, not so much. 

She ignored his mean remark and said, “Why don’t we go do something?”

“What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know… your mom’s working… nobody’s home,” she said in a sly voice, falling onto his shoulder.

“Kase, I can’t fuck when I’m in camp. You know that.”

“Why not?” she whined. 

“I just can’t.” 

She sighed. “Why are you so mean to me?”

“I’m not being mean to you. I’m… I just need you to respect what I’m doing.” This was one of those times when he really appreciated his family all understanding the pressures and the sacrifices that came with the sport. He wished Kacey understood, too. That would make this whole fake relationship easier for him to stomach. And not to mention the sweet conversation they’d had earlier – Nate didn’t even feel that weird about it. Why was Kacey being such a bitch after she listened to him worry about Zoey and then claimed to love him?

“I _do_ respect what you’re doing.”

“Then why the fuck do we keep having this conversation?” 

She sighed, sitting back again. “Whatever.” 

“We don’t have to just sit here,” Nate told her. “Call somebody. You can go out. Look, I know this sucks-”

“Yeah, it sucks,” she interrupted forcefully. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“But you know what? I’m gonna drink until it doesn’t,” she told him, patting his cheek. “Because I am a good girlfriend even when you’re being a dick. Do you have vodka?” 

Nate ignored the insult. “Check the freezer.”

 

* * *

 

“The client makes made-to-measure suits,” Laura noted.

“Pshh. Perfect. I love suits. I wear ‘em all the time.”

“Well, I’ll make sure they let you keep one.”

Somehow, Laura was even more captivating than Jay remembered, with her demanding backtalk and her gorgeous body. Her hair was down around her face, and she was wearing a thin dress that probably cost more than Jay’s entire wardrobe combined. 

“That’d be great.” They clinked their glasses together. “Cheers.”

“Cheers.” 

“I tell you something,” Jay said. “I love this place. It’s not just the appointments, which are tasteful, obviously” – Jay smiled as Laura laughed – “but, I mean. The view is phenomenal.”

She walked over to him. “Thanks.” 

Before Jay even knew it, Laura’s hands were in his hair and she was kissing him. He raised his eyebrows and leaned into the kiss, but as soon as his tongue slid into her mouth, Laura yanked on his hair, pulling his mouth away from hers. Her dominance went straight to his dick. 

She looked him over, calculating. Then she let him kiss her one more time before she pushed him away, three of her fingers over his mouth. She walked away, set her glass down, and shimmied out of the dress. Jay watched her in disbelief with wide eyes. He swallowed the last gulp of his drink and followed her, trying to prepare himself for whatever hit she had in store for him next.

 

* * *

 

Nate was swiping aimlessly through Grindr when there was a sudden crash. His first thought was that Jay was home and drunk, but Jay had just texted him an hour ago saying not to wait up. He wouldn’t be back already. Nate’s mind jumped to hope then; was Zoey back? “Zebra?” he called, getting out from under his quilt and quickly to his feet. “Is that you?” 

There were quiet sounds coming from the bathroom. Nate could see that the door was open, so he followed the noise around the corner and – Kacey. She’d been dozing on the couch, but she must have woken up. She was so drunk that she’d fallen.

“No, I wanna take a shower,” she moaned when she saw Nate.

The middle Kulina shook his head in frustration. He thought Zoey was back, and then he was met with this? Not cool. Nate moved Kacey’s legs out of his way anyway and leaned down to pick her up.

“Hold on, wait, no,” she protested. “I wanna – I wanna take a shower.” She leaned into his shoulder, already half asleep as he carried her down the hall to his bedroom. He deposited her onto his bed as kindly as he could in his mental state, and she snuggled down into the middle of the bed. Nate ran a hand over his face and sighed. Great.

A quick glance at the clock, and he flipped the light off. Fuck this. He was going to the gym.

 

* * *

 

“You _cannot_ stay over,” Laura told Jay. She’d woken him up and was in the process of kicking him out of her bed.

“You’re giving me such a fucking hard time right now,” Jay protested, a sleepy smile still on his face. “Come here,” he said playfully, sitting up a little.

“Mm-mm. No.”

He was confused at her resistance. “Just come over here. What, do you have, like, a fucking husband or something?”

“You just fucked me silly, so obviously I don’t have a husband, but a polite guest knows when it’s time to leave. Here.” She unceremoniously handed him a bottle of Fiji water.

Jay looked at her, taking her in. “Okay,” he groaned. 

“I’ll call you about the shoot, okay?” 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I want you to do?”

She hummed.

“I want you to call me about this photo shoot. I’m very intrigued by it. I’m _very_ intrigued by it. And also, I would like to thank you for your generosity, and also-” 

“Goodbye,” she interrupted. 

“Yeah. Indeed.” He walked away, still stark naked and smiling a bit. “Goodbye to you.”

 

* * *

 

 

Nate walked into the gym, sweatshirt hood pulled over his head, bag slung carelessly over his shoulder. His shoes were tied a little too tightly, but that was the only thing keeping him grounded. 

He was pissed at Kacey for getting so drunk. He was pissed at Zoey for leaving. He was pissed at Jay for bringing Mom back and making them move. He was pissed at himself for forgetting that Zee didn’t know they’d moved and getting his hopes up about seeing her. And he was pissed at Alvey for being in the gym when Nate just wanted some peace and quiet. 

“Hey! What’s up?” Alvey called, jogging out of the cage and coming over to him. The overhead lights were off, but the floodlights were on. They cast a shadowy, gold glow over the equipment. 

“Who’s that?” Nate asked, motioning to the other person in the cage. He took out one of his earbuds to hear the answer. 

“That’s my old friend Sean Chapas! You remember him? From when you were a kid.” 

The man waved, and Nate lifted a hand back. He couldn’t remember, but he didn’t say so. 

“It’s two o’clock in the morning. What the fuck are you doing here?” Alvey asked.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Nate shrugged. He pushed his gum around his mouth with his tongue. It was starting to lose its flavor.

“Alright,” Alvey said, considering. “Well, what do you want to do?”

“I’m just gonna lift,” Nate muttered tonelessly.

Alvey was looking at him strangely. “What’s up, man? You got something on your mind?”

Nate snorted and put on a smile. “No.” He chewed his gum a few times and then smiled a little bigger. “I’m good.”

“I’m here,” Alvey reminded him. “I’m here if you need me. You know that, right?”

The words almost had Nate. There was a tug in his chest begging him to spill everything to his father – the fake girlfriend, the issues with Mom, the self-doubt, the distance he felt from Jay lately, the empty pit in his stomach that twinged every time he thought about Zoey – but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. It didn’t feel right. Alvey didn’t want to hear from him; he just wanted the machine that fought and bled and brought home trophies. No personality necessary. Just wins.

“Yeah,” Nate lied, forcing a bit of enthusiasm into his voice. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“Give me a hug.”

It was so unlike Alvey to ask for a hug that Nate couldn’t help the face he made. He went forward into his dad’s arms anyway.

“You sure you’re okay? You look like your sister,” Alvey murmured.

Nate subconsciously took a step back, trying hard to mask his shock. Fuck Alvey for bringing Zoey up out loud.

“Why you make me so worried all the time, huh?” Alvey asked, holding his son’s head between his hands.

 _He could snap my neck like this,_ Nate thought.

“Don’t lift too much,” Alvey imparted as he let go.

Nate was eager to get away from his father, from everyone. He wanted desperately to be alone. No Mom, no Jay, no Dad, no Kacey… He left the lights off when he went to the bench. He wiggled his earbud back in and took a moment to close his eyes and just breathe. The stress felt like it was suffocating him, but he reminded himself that it was two in the morning and he was standing and hearing and he could breathe. So much of California was asleep, but Nate was wide awake. He wasn’t bleeding, but he was breathing, and right then, that had to be enough.

 _It has to be enough._  

Zoey was sleeping, Nate could feel that much. He didn’t know where Jay was, but he’d sounded happy in his text. And Mom… who knew. Dad was here and he was drunk, but he seemed safe enough. So Nate could check out. He could relax. He could breathe.

 _Just breathe. Stop thinking, Nate. Just… breathe._  

He wiggled his fingers and set to work sliding the plates onto the bar. 25, 50 on each side. Start easy. 

He sat down to start lifting, but as soon as his weight was off of his feet, it felt like everything was collapsing. He honestly had half a mind to go back and tell Alvey that he changed his mind, that he needed to talk, but it wasn’t Alvey that Nate wanted to talk to. It was Zoey. It was one of those moments where he missed her so much and he was so worried about her that he could physically feel it. He let his head fall into his hand. He was so tired, so tired… 

What the hell had happened to him? He’d always been the toughest one in the family. When Jay was getting high to stay sane and Dad was off chasing adrenaline rushes, Nate was the rock. Zoey got bullied at school, and Nate protected her. Jay acted like an ass in front of Dad, and Nate defended him. He was always calm, through his little sister’s nightmares, through the Mexican guys’ threats, through school, through bouncing between houses, through big title fights and  Jay’s constant idiocy and CPS interviews that led to temporary placement in foster homes. But tonight, everything felt like just a little bit too much.

Breathe.

Breathe. 

What would Zoey say? 

She’d take his hand. She’d tell him she loved him first, before she said anything else. And she’d tell him to relax. Her voice would be soft and quiet, and she’d wrap an arm around his shoulders. _You’re okay,_ she’d tell him. _You’re doing so much better than you think you are. It’s okay._

But it wasn’t okay. Nate swallowed thickly.

Breathe. 

_I’m not okay._

He smacked himself on the chest, hard. One sharp thump. This is what Zoey did after all. She hurt herself.

It felt good.

In that one wave of pain, Nate understood. He hit himself again, fist squeezed tighter, punching himself even harder than he had the first time.

Breathe.

Lie down.

Lift. 

Forget.


	4. Chapter 4

The back of Jay’s head was tingling again.

He was sitting in an armchair in a public parking lot, which didn’t make much sense, but Laura said to trust her. He did. 

There was a massive mural behind him and all kinds of people around him; a man carrying an umbrella to shade him, a girl and a guy who spent nearly 25 minutes putting makeup on his face, and another girl who kept putting stuff in his hair and adjusting his tie. Jay loved having all these people fussing over him as much as he loved seeing Laura in her element. She was beautiful and confident with her hair back in that sleek ponytail as she directed her crew. Jay swore he’d never loved anyone more.

He sat and smoked and let the fake blood drip a crimson trail from his nose and a spot on his cheek. Laura moved up and down and all around him, maybe giving him an instruction here or there, but mostly just letting him do his own thing. Jay felt like he owned the world. And in that moment, he did.

 

* * *

 

That afternoon, Nate was seated at his spot at the picnic table with a bowl of oatmeal when Jay banged through the fence. 

“I’m in love!” the older boy announced, his arms flung wide open. 

Nate chuckled to himself.

“I’m in love Nathaniel. I fucking-” he leaned down to squeeze Nate’s cheeks and dramatically smooch the top of his head “-am.”

“You definitely fucking _smell_ like it,” Nate shot back, shoving his older brother’s hands off him. Gross. 

“That’s passion,” Jay declared. He smacked Nate on the shoulders. “My world is unfolding in beautiful ways! I hear birds I haven’t heard. I find beauty in the common crow. And flowers, and nectar, and you know. Oatmeal!” He dipped his finger mercilessly into Nate’s blue bowl, swiping a large glob onto his finger and into his mouth. 

“Whoa, whoa! Fuck!” Nate protested.

“It just tastes oat-ier!” Jay continued. He took a seat next to his brother. “And she’s smart. She knows about art and photography. And she can’t get enough of me,” he said proudly, pulling on the lapels of his jacket. “Yeah! The sex? You ask?”

Nate averted his eyes and shook his head.

“Well, it’s – holy fuck. I’m seeing angles I haven’t seen before, and I’m not just talking position. I’m seeing whole new fucking doors opening up right now. Pheromones and vibrations. I’m tapping into something deeper here, you understand? And-” 

“Jay? Jay.” 

“Yeah?”

“I gotta keep some of this down,” Nate said, motioning to his oatmeal, “okay?”

“Okay. Now listen to me,” Jay said, quickly switching gears and giving Nate a hard slap on the arm. “I know you don’t like to talk about it, but I want you to know that I love you, and that you’re gonna murder this motherfucker, okay?”

Nate nodded.

“So!” Jay said, standing up and peeling off his jacket. “What do you need from me right now, and how can I help you?”

“I’m all set.”

Jay started to walk away. He spoke to Nate over his shoulder. “Okay. Lisa and I are gonna go meet Garo, and then I will see you at the fucking gym.”

“Did he get you a fight?” Nate asked, interested again.

“He. Fucking. Better.” 

“Wait, Jay!” 

The older boy turned. 

“Mom’s inside. She’s been crying,” he said awkwardly.

Jay sighed and trooped up the front steps. He went inside and pushed the bathroom door open to find Christina braiding her hair in front of the sink. “Hey.”

“Hey,” she said. “I didn’t think you’d be home.” 

“Yeah, I gotta get right back out, but Nate said that you were upset.”

“Your dad and I signed the divorce papers today.” 

“Is that bad?” Jay asked quietly, unsure.

“Yeah, Jay,” she snapped. “We got a divorce.”

Jay looked at her sadly. “I’m sorry you’re upset,” he said. He sure as hell wasn’t sorry they were finally divorced, though.

Christina made a face at herself in the mirror. “Whatever.” 

Jay stood there uncomfortably for a moment, unsure of what to say. The more time had gone by, the less appealing it had been having Christina around. There was hardly ever any affection anymore - just negativity. Jay was beginning to see what the twins had seen all along. But she was family, and Jay stuck by that. He wasn't going to let her go anywhere, and that meant not speaking his mind right now or saying something that might make things worse. He quietly cleared his throat and retreated back to his pile of clothes on the end of the couch. 

He pulled on his flamingo tank top and headed back out the door.

 

* * *

  

“Nice and easy. Elbows, elbows…”

Alvey and Nate were sparring lightly in the cage. All the hard work had been done, and now it was time to relax and enjoy the fight. 

“Let’s just break a sweat. Alright?” Alvey directed. “Just breaking a sweat.” 

Nate was all steel focus anyway, hitting just a little too hard. God knew he deserved it with the week he’d had. 

“I’m gonna hit you back,” Alvey threatened. “I ain’t that old, sonny boy.” He couldn’t help but laugh at himself. He reeled it in a little as Nate kept throwing hard punches. “Aww, look at the tiger. Okay, stop it. Lay down, lay down.”

Nate obeyed, relaxing his shoulders a little and spreading his arms on the cage floor. Knowing what his father was after, Nate went ahead and kicked one leg up to him so he could stretch it.

“Okay. How’s the hamstring?”

“Ah, it’s good.”

“You look good, man. You look better than I’ve ever seen you look – no shitting. You worked hard. You’re fast. You’re explosive. Your head’s in the right place. It’s gonna feel like you shot out of a cannon.” He slapped Nate roughly on the chest. “Trust me. I got you. But you gotta control that, alright?” 

Alvey’s son caught his breath. “I’m gonna fight my fight,” he said. And in some ways it was a line – he’d heard Alvey preach it to every fighter he’d ever had – but for the first time, he was starting to understand it in a way he never had before. 

“That’s right. You’re gonna fight your fight,” Alvey echoed. “You’re gonna breathe. Your pace, the whole thing. You know it!”

“I’m just worried about that food after the fight,” Nate admitted, a small smile creeping onto his face. “I’m fucking starving.”

“Yeah,” Alvey said knowingly.

“We doing Italian still?”

“Nah, Shelby fucked the reservation up, so Lisa bought a bunch of steaks. We’ll have it at my house.” 

Nate nodded as Alvey switched his feet. God, steak sounded delicious. “Alright.” 

“Invite your little girlfriend,” Alvey suggested. 

Nate scoffed, almost laughed. He caught himself before he did. 

“What? What’s the matter?”

Nate shook his head. “Yeah, I don’t know, she’s…”

“What happened?”

“Ah, she’s pissed off about _something_.”

“What’d you do?” Alvey asked again, conspiratorially this time. 

Nate gave in. “Training, you know? She just doesn’t fucking get it.” 

“Ah, they never make it through training camp, never. None of them. Not a single one of ‘em.” 

Nate sighed, so Alvey continued, “Don’t bother with girls. They’re no good for you.”

Nate had to laugh at that. Oh, if only Alvey knew. 

“Anyway, what’s your mind on?” 

“Taking the guy out in front of me,” Nate recited.

“No, you know where it’s at? Your mind’s on _winning_ , son!” Alvey shouted, a wide grin on his face. He smacked Nate hard on the chest again and pulled him to his feet. “Get up.”

 

* * *

  

“I can't believe you didn't give me Nate's first fight back,” Garo complained. He and Lisa were sitting across from each other at a conference room table waiting for Jay.

Lisa had to fight not to roll her eyes. “You didn't have a spot for him.”

“I was working on it.” 

She did roll them then. “Really? Cause it kind of seemed like you were slow-playing us to see if he was healthy.”

“Is that what you think?” Garo asked, mock offended.

“Yeah, I do. Also, I heard about the Ryan deal. Six fights at a frozen rate? That is fucking _extortion_.” 

“Now, hold on, hold on,” Garo protested. “We _all_ got a little dirty on that one.” 

Lisa huffed.

“It's for the best.”

She chuckled in disbelief. “Right. Okay. Whatever you say.”

“Hey, let's not fight. How are you? How is the baby?”

Just then, the door opened; thank god. Lisa hated talking about the baby, especially to men. It was just weird. And it seemed like Jay was the only one who cared about it, anyway. 

“There he is! The man of the hour,” Garo crowed.

“Hey, Garo. How are you? I'm sorry I'm late,” Jay greeted.

“Who wants to start?” Garo asked. 

Jay held up a hand. “Before we begin, I would like to reiterate my sincere and most humble apologies for any role that I might have played in the skirmish the other night.” 

“Well, it was more than just a skirmish,” Garo noted, eyebrows raised at Jay’s watered down wording. “It was embarrassing. You make us look like barbarians.”

Lisa let that statement hang in the air for a second, and then she instructed, “Let's move on. Obviously, we have a problem here. Jay's fights keep falling apart. It's costing us money. I know it's costing you money…”

“I agree. It's not good. It's not good at all. But I may have a solution.”

Jay’s cell phone started vibrating loudly on the table. He glanced at the Caller ID – Laura. “Excuse me,” he said. “I have to take this.”

“Jay,” Lisa reprimanded.

“You guys continue doing what you do. I'm the talent, you know? I probably shouldn't be hearing this shit anyways,” Jay grinned. He ducked out into the hallway. “Hello?”

“You are so fucking hot.”

Jay smiled as Laura’s voice came through the phone. “What?”

“I'm looking at pictures from the shoot this morning.”

Jay brightened even more. “Oh, yeah? I look good?”

“Well, I haven't gotten dressed yet, if that tells you anything.” 

Jay sighed happily and put on a seductive tone. “Yes. Yes, it does." 

“Hey. I want you here right now,” she said. 

“I know. Me too.”

“Well, where are you?”

“I'm talking to some promoter, so I should probably get back,” he explained reluctantly. 

“Once again, I have to take care of myself.” 

One short sentence had Jay closing his eyes and willing himself not to get hard in a public hallway.

 

* * *

 

Zoey stole a pair of sharp shears from the kitchen and tucked them into her sweatshirt pocket. She disappeared into the private bathroom next to the front office. There was school tomorrow, but Zoey didn’t care. She’d been cutting on her thigh where no one could see, but cutting on her wrist was a special treat. She was going to let herself do that today.

She was a little bothered by it because the last few times she’d cut, there hadn’t been an immediate reason to. Usually she only resorted to hurting herself when she was trying to shut down fear or sadness, but not this week. After the visit from Ryan, she’d started to feel hope again, but she was still harming herself every few days. 

A quick anonymous search at the library that afternoon had her pulling up articles about addiction.

Fuck.

She was just as bad as her mom after all.

 

* * *

  

“Forgive me. Well… What did I miss?” Jay asked, waltzing back into Garo’s conference room.

“You missed me having an amazing idea,” Garo boasted, no trace of humility in his voice. “May I?” 

“Oh, go right ahead,” Lisa said sarcastically, lightly waving her hand in dismissal. 

Garo put on his speech voice. “What do you value the most in this world, Jay? Money, respect, women, glory?”

“All of that shit,” Jay grinned. “Yeah.” 

“These things I just named, my friend? These are the spoils of a champion.” Garo was just getting to the good part when Lisa jumped in and cut the drama. 

“He wants you to fight Ryan,” she said, dismissing it like it was the worst idea she’d ever heard.

“Think about it!” Garo said, quickly defending himself. “Ryan Wheeler… Jay Kulina. One has blond hair, the other has brown hair. Friends, rivals... enemies, perhaps? Either way, I'd buy a ticket for that.”

“Okay, we'll talk about it,” Lisa told Garo.

“I am intrigued,” Jay said, smiling mischievously. 

“Is that a yes?” Garo replied hopefully.

“Well, Lisa handles all my logistics, but I am very, _very_ taken by this idea.” The two men reached across the table to shake hands. “You… _you_ , sir… You're an impresario.” 

“We'll get back to you, Garo,” Lisa stated flatly. 

“I like that,” Jay was still saying. “I like your fucking style.” 

“Okay, but don't fuck me around. I have to move on something, you know… At least something for Wheeler after that shit show he pulled last time.”

Lisa rolled her eyes for the millionth time. Garo was ridiculous.

Jay bounced down the hall after Lisa. As soon as they were outside, he asked, “What do you think?” 

“It's… interesting. It's definitely good for Garo. I don't know if it's good for you.” 

“It's a title fight, Lis. How is it not good?”

“You're just building momentum!” she reminded him. “What if you lose?”

“Yeah, and what if I win? That's the real problem, though, isn't it, huh? Cause it fucks with your and Alvey's plan with Ryan.”

“I don't _have_ a plan for Ryan,” she snapped.

“Lisa... Are you managing me...?” 

“Oh, god,” she groaned. Not again.

“…or are you managing Alvey's business?”

“ _You_ ,” she answered condescendingly. “But it's complicated, and don't act like you can't understand that.”

“I appreciate the complications. I do. But I want this fight. However you have to work that out with Alvey, that's what I want.” He pushed his sunglasses up the bridge of his nose. “Yes, ma'am! I want this fight!”  


 

* * *

 

“Dolphin?” The whisper came through the silence in the dark staff room.

Zoey sat up, squinting into the light from the hallway. There was a silhouette in the doorway, and it only took Zoey a moment to place it as Sophie. She motioned the girl forward. 

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” 

Zoey nodded and pointed to a spot on the wall where the light was. She took a moment to quickly run her fingers through her hair while she was still in the dark. She was sure that even with it up in a ponytail, it was still a mess.

Sophie fumbled for a moment, her fingers sweeping blindly across the wall until she found the switch. Bright, fluorescent light flooded the room.

The younger girl came nervously toward the older one. She was clad in pajamas with her hair down; Zoey hadn’t realized how long it was. It easily reached the bottom of her ribs.

“I had this dream, and I – it made me realize that I’m ready to talk about why I ran away,” Sophie mumbled, kneeling down on the edge of Zoey’s sleeping mat. "I didn't know who else to talk to."

Zoey nodded, prompting her to go on. 

“So, um. I’m in seventh grade at home. I have a little brother, and my mom is really nice. But my dad… he’s always been in and out of our lives, and he moved back in with me and my mom and Tyler a couple of months ago. And then he started coming in my room really late at night and like.” Sophie swallowed hard. “Touching me?”

Zoey was overwhelmed – she was filled with anger and sadness, but also with comfort. There was a level of empathy flowing through her that she’d never felt before. She reached out and clasped one of Sophie’s hands. She pointed at herself and then held up two fingers. _Me too._

“Your dad?” 

Zoey shook her head and then began tracing letters into Sophie’s palm. I  U  N  D  E  R  S  T  A  N  D.  I  W  A  S  R  A  P  E  D.

Sophie looked up at Zoey with wide eyes, and it was like a connection formed between the two girls. There was an instant link between them. It wasn’t like what Zoey had with Nate; that was almost spiritual. This was different, something Zoey had never been lucky enough to find. This was someone who shared her darkest experience, who knew what she’d gone through without her having to even say a word. 

“I knew I could trust you,” Sophie whispered.

Zoey nodded. _You too._

“Is it okay if I talk about it a little more?”

Zoey nodded again and motioned for Sophie to pull the other mat over and lie down next to her. 

Maybe it made her a terrible person, but the longer she listened to Sophie’s stories (the first time she caught her father looking at her strangely, the way he always seemed to come up to her when she was by herself, the first time he came into her room, the time she tried to talk to her mom about it and her mom refused to believe her…), the more the tight feeling in her chest seemed to loosen. She felt like the stress she’d been carrying for nearly a year had started to dissipate. This was good. Listening to Sophie was _good._

Zoey didn’t know it, but this talk was the true beginning of her healing.

A half hour or so into Sophie’s account, both girls had begun to drift off to sleep. Zoey could feel the familiar rhythm of punches hitting Nate’s skin, and tonight it relaxed her. Or perhaps she was already so relaxed that she didn’t mind the feeling. 

Sleep came to Sophie first, and Zoey was faintly aware of her slow breaths in the otherwise silent room. For the first time since she’d left home, Zoey felt completely calm. She was content. Fuck everything else – Zoey never wanted to stop feeling like this. But then –

Zoey bolted up with a sharp gasp. Her mouth was wide open in shock as she bolted up off her mat and toward the door. 

“Dolphin?” Sophie asked urgently. “Dolphin, what’s wrong?” 

But Zoey was already flinging the door open. She flew down the hallway, clutching tightly to her jaw. _Ellen, Ellen! Ellen!_ Her mouth was moving, but no sound was coming out. Zoey stopped short in front of Ellen and Jo’s door and banged on it hard.

Sophie caught up to Zoey before Ellen could get to the door. “What the hell is going on?” she asked. “Are you okay?”

Zoey frantically shook her head no. She turned back to the door and started banging again.

“Dolphin, stop!” Sophie cried, pulling her hand back. “It’s okay!”

Ellen opened the door. “What in the Sam Hill…?!” But when she saw Zoey’s face, her eyebrows rose. “Dolphin?”

Zoey desperately held up her hand like a phone. 

“You need to call somebody? Baby, it’s the middle of the night. Do you want some water?” 

Zoey violently shook her head. She repeated the motion. 

“Dolphin, calm down. Here, calm down, honey.”

Ellen moved forward to hug her, but Zoey took an angry step back. It was all she could do not to bare her teeth. Zoey had never asked for a single thing from Ellen, and now she needed one thing, a simple phone call, and the answer was no?

“I was talking to her and we fell asleep and she just woke up and freaked out,” Sophie explained. “She was totally fine before, I swear. I don’t know what happened, but something’s really wrong now.”

“I see,” Ellen said, not taking her eyes off of Zoey. 

Jo was now peeking around the corner. “Mom, just let her use the damn phone. Look at her.”

Zoey nodded pleadingly.

“Okay, come on,” Ellen conceded. She led the group to the front office and Zoey flew up to the desk.

“Don’t forget to dial nine,” Jo advised.

Zoey hit nine and then put Jay’s cell phone number in as quickly as she could with her trembling fingers. It rang and rang. She hung up and dialed again.

 _Pick up, pick up… Jay, come on!_  

“Hey, you’ve reached Jay Kulina. You know what to do.” _Beep._  

On the third call, Zoey’s hands were shaking and tears were filing her eyes. She couldn’t feel Nate anymore. He’d been there, fighting like normal, and then all of a sudden, it was like a blackout had occurred and he was just gone. Gone! An entire part of her felt like it was missing, and now Jay wasn’t answering the phone, and – 

“Hello?” 

At the sound of her brother’s voice, she couldn’t help it anymore; she promptly dissolved into tears.

“Hello?” he asked again. 

Zoey tapped frantically on the receiver. _Don’t hang up, please don’t hang up,_ she willed.

“Zee?” Jay asked quietly. She could barely hear him – he was somewhere loud. “Oh my god, Zee, is that you? Did you feel that? Hold on. Zoey? Don’t hang up. Please don’t hang up.” There was the sound of a door slamming, and then the background noise was majorly reduced. “Zee? You there?” 

Zoey tapped twice. _It’s me._

“He’s okay.” 

Zoey collapsed into the desk chair. The only sound coming out of her was breath even though she was weeping freely. Oh god, that had scared her so badly. She sincerely thought Nate was dead.

Ellen shooed Jo and Sophie out of the room. 

“I hear you,” Jay reassured her. “I fucking know it’s you. Oh, god, it’s you. I fucking love you.”

Zoey tapped four times on the receiver. _I love you, too._

“He was fighting and he fucking got knocked out. That’s what you felt. He just got knocked out, but he’s okay. Well, I mean, he probably has a goddamn concussion, but he’s awake now. He’s okay. Zee, it’s okay.”

 _He was gone,_ she wanted to tell Jay. _He was there and he was fine, and then I couldn’t feel him anymore. I was so scared._  

She need him to hug her, but that was impossible when she was a five hour trip away, so instead, she pressed the phone so hard to her ear that it hurt. She just wanted to listen to Jay’s voice. Oh, she ached inside. She wanted to be with her brothers right that second.

“Breathe,” Jay coached softly. “You’re okay, he’s okay. Everybody’s just fine, alright? I got you. You’re fine. I’m right here.” 

 _I wanna go home,_ she mouthed. The words weren’t for anyone in particular, but it felt good to finally say them. 

Ellen, who was hearing Jay’s voice but not any of the words, wrapped Zoey in a tight, motherly hug. 

Zoey leaned into her.

“You want me to talk to him?” Ellen inquired. 

Zoey shook her head.

“Who is it?” Ellen nudged a pen and pad toward her.

 _Big brother,_ she jotted.

“Zee, you can’t talk?” Jay chuckled sadly. She could practically feel him scrubbing at his face with his hand. “Wanna do like we used to? Once for yes and twice for no.” 

He wasn’t referencing her last bout of mutism but to a “game” they used to play to communicate when Dad was in a rage. Jay didn’t trust Zoey to keep herself from crying after they’d gotten screamed at or they’d watched Jay get hit, so he’d lock Nate and Zee away in a bedroom or a bathroom or a closet and whisper questions to them. (Are you hurt? Are you okay? Did he hit you with anything? Do you want a hug? Is it bleeding?) They’d blink their answers at him. It kept them all more focused than nodding would have, and it forced them to remember not to speak. 

Then he asked again, “You can’t talk?” 

She tapped. 

“Wait, you can?” 

She smiled in spite of tears and tapped twice.

He laughed. “Okay. That’s what I figured. Um. Are you somewhere safe?”

One tap. 

“Good, good.” He sighed. “We miss you, monkey.” 

She tapped three times before she could stop herself. _Miss you too._  

“I know.” There was some noise on his end of the phone and then he said regretfully, “Hey, fuck, I gotta go. The doctors have a bunch of questions about Nate.” 

Zoey could feel herself bursting into tears all over again. She covered her eyes with her free hand.

He must have been able to hear her breathy crying, because he apologized immediately. “I know, baby girl, I’m so sorry.” He sounded just as upset as she was. “Can I keep you on the line? The number was blocked so I can't call back." 

Two sad, quiet taps. 

“Okay,” Jay whispered. “I love you so much, Zo. Stay safe.”

She put the receiver back down. It clicked softly as the call ended. Zoey pulled her knees to her chest in the chair and let Ellen hold her as she sobbed.

 

* * *

 

 

Even though it had been a good four minutes since he’d woken up, Nate still felt like he was in a haze. His dad was hovering closely (too closely), and Jay had disappeared on his cell phone. Thank god for small mercies; Nate couldn’t handle two overprotective Kulinas right now.

He was aware of a distant state of panic, but more, he was aware of pain. His head ached, his entire body ached. Every punch he’d taken felt amplified, and that last hit, which he currently couldn’t remember, must have been brutal.

Nate slowly undid his prewrap as his father thanked and dismissed the EMT that had helped them. He tried and failed to relax in the hard plastic chair. 

“You got a concussion,” Alvey said softly. He walked over to Nate and leaned down to be at eye level. “We’re gonna watch it.”

“Should’ve finished him,” Nate mumbled regretfully.

“You got caught. It happens.” A beat of silence passed as Alvey waited for Nate to protest again, but he didn’t. “Let’s get out of here. You can come back to my house.”

“I think I’d rather go back to mine if that’s cool.”

Alvey nodded. He wasn’t surprised. “Yeah. Okay. I’ll have Jay keep an eye on you.” At least Alvey knew he could trust Jay to keep close watch over Nate when he was hurt.

Nate stood slowly, done with the conversation. He was a little dizzy, but he knew it was only going to get worse. 

“Come here,” Alvey said. “Let me see this.” He caught Nate around the neck, all gentle hands. 

Nate tipped his head sideways so Alvey could get a good look. 

“Aw, yeah,” Alvey sighed. “That’s a beauty, huh?” 

Nate scoffed quietly.

“I know it feels like shit, son. I do. But it’s just one loss. We learn from it, and we move on. That’s it. Right?”

“Yep,” Nate replied flatly. 

“Look at me.” 

Nate looked.

“I’m proud of you. Always.”

Nate bit down hard on his lip, and he hoped to god that Alvey didn’t see. The words were so soft and sincere, and that coupled with the distant grief he felt… It was almost too much. He swallowed hard, keeping the feelings under wraps for the moment.

Alvey was gentle as he pulled him into a hug. This is what Nate needed years ago – not now. It was too late. But he let his father embrace him, because he knew Alvey needed it now. Nate could give him that much. 

“It’s okay,” Alvey said softly. “I love you.” 

At the words, Nate let his hands rest on Alvey’s back. He took a slow breath and shut his eyes. "You, too."

 

* * *

  

Jay walked up to Laura, shaking his head. 

“Sorry,” she said, her mouth pulled down to one side. “He was doing so good, and the other guy just got one lucky shot-”

“I know,” Jay mumbled. “Sometimes that’s all it takes.”

“Is he alright?” 

“He will be, yeah.” 

“How do you even handle that? I mean, what are you supposed to say?”

“You say I love you, and you move on. There’s nothing else to do. He’s just got to get past it.” Jay hesitated for a beat and then decided to spill. “My, uh. My little sister just called.” 

“You have a sister?” Laura asked.

“Yeah, Zoey. She’s,” Jay began, scratching the back of his neck. The next part came out as more of a nervous question than an actual statement. “She’s missing?”

“What?” Laura’s eyebrows shot up. 

“Yeah. She's just a kid. She ran away last July, and we hadn’t heard from her at all. But then Nate’s birthday was a couple weeks ago, and they’re best friends, so she sent him an email. We couldn’t trace it or fucking anything, but it’s still something. And then she just fucking called my cell phone.” 

“Well, what’d she say? Is she alright?”

Jay sighed. “I don’t know. She does this thing where she’s, like. She can’t talk. It’s a trauma thing, like PTSD, so… but we were able to communicate enough that I figured out it was her and told her what was going on.” 

“How does that work?” Lisa asked curiously. 

Jay shrugged. He’d said too much. “Uh, I don’t know. She’s kinda like my kid, so.” 

“You said that about Nate, too, right?” 

Jay smiled sheepishly. “Yeah. Zee’s only seventeen, though. She’s always been my responsibility. But yeah, uh, speaking of Nate – I gotta take him home, though, so.”

“Yeah, I’ll call an Uber,” Laura nodded understandingly. 

“I’m sorry about all this.” He leaned in and kissed her on the lips. “I appreciate you. Um, let me walk you out.” 

Laura led the way.

 

* * *

 

When Ellen and Zoey went back into Jo and Ellen’s room, they found Jo and Sophie sitting on one of the cots. They were silent. Sophie was kicking her feet back and forth but stopped as soon as she saw Zoey’s tearstained face. 

“Back to bed, honey,” Ellen said to Sophie gently. “Thanks for helping Dolphin out.”

“She helped me, too,” Sophie said. She stood up and gave Zoey a hug. “Love you, Dolphin,” she mumbled for only Zoey to hear.

Zoey squeezed Sophie’s wrist in response before the younger girl headed back to the girls’ room. Well, the girls’ and Jamie’s room. 

“You okay to go back, or do you wanna sleep in here?” Ellen asked. 

Zoey pointed out the door in the direction of the staff room.

“Sure? You’re welcome to stay with us.”

Zoey shook her head and gave a small smile of thanks.

“Alright. Goodnight.”

“Night!” Jo added.

Zoey waved and then retreated back the way she came. When she got back to the room where she slept, tugged her blanket tightly around her body. She said a quick, silent prayer for Nate and let herself fall back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if y'all are reading! I miss hearing from you <3  
> (Also, go see Civil War!! You will NOT regret it!)


	5. Chapter 5

“We're never gonna eat all this food,” Lisa sighed. It was nearing 1 AM when Alvey got home, and Lisa was still packing up the kitchen. 

“I'll take it to the gym. The animals will eat it.” 

That got a laugh out of Lisa, something that had become rare. A comfortable quiet fell over the kitchen, a signal that Lisa was allowing Alvey to voice his thoughts. 

“What a fucking night, huh?” he sighed. “He did everything right. Everything. He just couldn't finish. That's what I'm worried about with this kid... He's a fucking fighter that doesn't like to hurt people.” 

Lisa didn’t offer any advice, but she did offer some comfort. “Let me make you some food,” she suggested, and for once she said it like she truly wanted to. Alvey longed for the days when they were so easily happy together.

“No, I'm... I'm... Thank you.” He waved her off, but he wasn’t unkind. He took a moment to swish the ice around his glass before stating, “We signed the papers today. Me and Christina. It’ll still take about six months, but it's done.” 

When Lisa didn’t reply, Alvey prompted, “Well, what do you think?” 

“About what?” 

“Should we get married?” 

Lisa laughed again, but instead of making Alvey smile, this time it made his stomach sink.

“Okay,” she said, still chuckling. “On that note, I'm gonna go to bed.”

“Wait, come here,” Alvey said gently. He set his tumbler down and caught one of Lisa’s hands in his own. He ghosted his fingers lightly over her growing belly, and the look on her face… well, he’d never seen her quite like that before. 

“Don't stay up too late, okay?” Her voice came out as barely more than a whisper. 

Alvey couldn’t even bear to turn around and watch her leave.

 

* * *

 

The next two weeks passed at a snail’s pace, but then all of a sudden, Zoey was done with school. That was it. It was over. 

It was a very anti-climactic ending, actually. She wrapped up her classes and took her two finals, and she was out. No APs for her, and she wasn’t in IB, so there was barely any stress. She hardly had to apply herself, yet she still finished easily.

She thought a little about going to college, but it didn’t seem to suit her. She couldn’t imagine going to school for four or five more years; it’s not like school had been a very helpful or enjoyable experience for her. She’d only stuck with it for two reasons, and neither of them had been her own. 

First and most immediately, Ellen required that if a child lived at the shelter, they attended school if it was safe for them to do so. (Jamie and Tabby didn’t have to go to school because they’d left a severely abusive situation and their father could easily find them at Willow Canyon High and Thompson Ranch Elementary.) Second, Jay had sacrificed many things for the kids to have school supplies, poster boards, and even t-shirts and shoes that fit. She wasn’t about to blow his efforts now. He wanted her to go to school, and so she would, even if he wasn’t there to see it. 

The old lady at the front office was always sweet to Zoey; she called her 'Zee' like Zoey had asked and always let her have a piece of caramel from her desk. This week, though, it was even better; the lady handed her a caramel and a tan manila folder.

“Here, Zee, honey. I got this printed up special just for you. Don’t tell, alright?”

Zoey opened up the folder and peeked inside; her diploma! 

“Willow Canyon High School,” it declared in big, scripted font across the top. “This certifies that Zoey Grace Kulina, having completed all the credits and satisfied the program requirements for graduation from Willow Canyon High School, is therefore entitled to this High School Diploma on this 16th day of May 2015.”

It was dated a little ahead, the day of the graduation ceremony the next week, but Zoey couldn’t have been more excited. She was finished! She could go home! 

 _Thank you!_ she signed enthusiastically. 

The woman smiled. “You’re welcome.”

Zoey couldn’t help herself; she leaned across the desk and embraced the woman, who laughed. “Oh, sweetheart. Congratulations. And you have a good summer, you hear?”

Zoey nodded enthusiastically. She just had to have Ellen call Ryan and set up some travel arrangements, and she’d be home.

 

* * *

 

“Hey,” Alvey said. 

“Hey,” Lisa replied, breezily passing him and heading for her office.

“Where you been?” Alvey inquired. 

“The doctor's.”

“Oh, shit,” Alvey cursed. “Did I forget?” 

“No, it was just a checkup.” 

“Oh. You know, if you give me a little heads up, I can come with,” he offered. 

“You don't have to,” she replied. She wanted to slam her door in his face, but she refrained. Instead, she crossed the room to set her bag down on her desk. 

“It's not about having to. I want to,” Alvey said sincerely. 

“Well, there's nothing for you to do,” she said flatly, willing him to leave. 

“All right, well, if there is something you may need me for, will you tell me?”

“Sure.” Lisa thought the conversation was over, but Alvey was still standing in the doorway, staring at her. “What?” 

“She tell you what it is?” 

“No,” Lisa lied.

Seeing right through her, Alvey said, “Don't lie.”

“I didn't ask,” Lisa reiterated.

“You didn't ask,” he echoed in disbelief. He knew Lisa too well.

“Mm-mm.”

“Look me in the eyes,” Alvey said.

She looked at him, trying hard not to let him see that she really was lying. “I didn't ask!” 

“You didn't ask?”

“No!”

“Boy,” Alvey declared, pointing at her happily.

“What makes you think it's a boy?” she asked.

“First of all, I can see it on your face, second of all, that's what I do. I'm a maker of men.”

She rolled her eyes but couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her. 

“Really?” he asked, reading that as a yes. “It's a boy?”

“Wow,” Lisa said, shaking her head.

“Is it? Is it a boy?” he asked excitedly. 

“I don't know!” Lisa said again, but she let the truth show on her face that time.

“Son of a bitch!” Alvey shouted gleefully. He turned to the gym and bellowed, “Hey fellas!”

* * *

   
The crowd cheered on Nate’s phone as he restarted the video. Someone had posted his disastrous KO on YouTube, so of course, Nate couldn’t help but watch it over and over and over. He was horrified, mortified…

The bell on his phone dinged to signal the start of the fight (again) just as Kacey came around the corner into his bedroom. She sighed heavily. “My God. You are obsessed!” she declared, sinking down onto the bed. She’d seen the video so many times that she knew exactly what he was looking at just from hearing the audio. “You have to stop watching it. Okay? Let it go.” She climbed onto his hips and pulled the phone out of his hands. “Come on,” she said, grinding into him. “Come on.” 

He flipped her onto her back like he would an opponent. She exhaled sharply, already starting to get aroused.

“I have a doctor's appointment,” Nate told her, sitting up.

“Ugh,” she groaned sadly as he climbed off of her. “For your concussion?”

“Uh-huh.” He pulled a tank top down over his head.

Kacey rolled onto her side. “Well, good. You eat Advil like M&Ms. It's gonna chew a hole through your stomach.”

“Yeah,” Nate agreed. He wasn’t paying much attention, though.

“So can I come with you?”

“No, I'm sorry. I gotta go train after.” 

“Well, can we do something tonight?” she asked, trying to be sexy. 

“Whatever you want,” Nate promised. (He had been pretty sucky lately. He owed her at least a litte bit.) 

“Will you be fun?”

The question reminded him of Jay, and Nate smiled in spite of himself. “Yeah, I'll do my best, okay?”

“Okay.” 

“Hang here for a while if you want, okay?” he offered. Had to keep up appearances, right? 

“Okay.” She seemed happy at the invitation.

“I'll see you later.” 

“Yes,” she said, pulling him down for a sexual kiss.

After a second, Nate tried to stand up, but Kacey refused to let his mouth leave hers. “Okay. Alright, alright,” he said. “I have to go. I'm late.”

She sighed. “All right.”

Nate quickly grabbed his hoodie off the hook by the door. “I'll see you later.” 

Kacey rolled onto her back as Nate exited.

* * *

  
Jay walked happily up to the house, ready to spend some time alone. Nate was at the doctor, and Christina had gone to work, so he had the whole place to himself. He was going to blast some music and then maybe jerk off. Then he thought he’d take a nice swim in the pool. He wiped his hands on his jeans as he came in the front door, but he stopped short when he saw Christina sitting at the table in her yellow Patty Palace shirt.

“Hi,” he greeted, trying to act like he wasn’t surprised or bothered to see her still home.

“Hey,” she replied, taking a slow bite of her sandwich.

Jay took a pull from his energy drink. “Mmm,” he sighed. “Are you going to work?”

“Sure am,” she replied with fake enthusiasm.

“You need a different job,” Jay decided.

“Like what?” 

“You know… something that you like.”

“I don't know what I like,” Christina grumbled.

“Well, you know, maybe go work at a dog park or something,” he suggested. 

“People don't work in dog parks, Jay.” 

“No, I know, but I'm talking about like a… Like one of those doggie daycare spots. Those things are popping up fucking everywhere.”

Disinterested, Christina prompted, “What did you and Laura do last night?”

He exhaled slowly as he thought up a lie. He couldn’t exactly tell his mom that he was fucking his girl blind. “We… went to sushi.”

“I love sushi. Where?”

“Mmm. Nearby her place.”

“What's it called?” Christina asked. 

“I don't remember.” 

“Well, think,” she snapped, clearly starting to get annoyed.

“It was Japanese,” he shrugged. “What's it matter?”

“Okay,” she said coldly. “Sorry I asked.”

He hated when she acted so dismissive and annoyed, but she was still his mother. He took a silent deep breath to calm himself and asked, “Do you need a ride to work?”

“You know, I actually really like her,” Christina interrupted, ignoring his question. “We got a lot of time to talk the other day.”

“That's good. I'm glad to hear,” he replied, a little less than sincere. 

“She's real easy to talk to.” 

“Mm-hmm.”

“She acted very interested in me, which I thought was nice.” She shifted in her seat. “Are you guys ever gonna spend the night here?” 

“Um, yeah, I'm sure we will. It's just that her place is a little easier because she's got a bed, and I have a couch.” At the look on his mother’s face, he raced to add, “Which I don't mind!” 

“Yeah, well... I'm supposed to ask you for her number.”

“Why?” he asked suspiciously.

Christina stood up and took her plate to the sink. “I want to start drawing again, and she said she could get me a discount on art supplies.” At the look on Jay's face, she added, “Come on, I've got to do _something_. I can't flip burgers all day and then come home and stare at the walls. That's not a life.” 

Jay wasn’t sure whether or not she knew she was raising her voice as she continued, “I need an outlet. I need to fucking feel something!” Christina fired the knife down the counter and into the sink. It clattered loudly.

Jay approached her the way he would an angry Zoey, open hands and a soft voice. “Hey. No throwing knives. I am going to get you her number. I'm gonna write it down." He slid a drawer open and reached for an envelope and a pen, and then he opened his phone to her contact information. "You will use this number to call her and have the conversation… that you want to have. Okay? And I'm gonna tell her that you're gonna call. So you better call."

“Thank you.” 

“Yes, ma'am.”

“I'm sorry,” she sighed.

“For what?”

“I'm okay. I'm... I'm just in a rut.”

“Yeah, well... You're gonna get past it. I promise.” Jay left the room but yelled over his shoulder, “Call her, ma!”

* * *

   
“Baby, monkey, perfume, sunset, iron, finger, penny."

“Baby, monkey…” Nate tapped his fingers nervously on his thigh. He concentrated as hard as he could. “Perfume, sunset… iron, finger, penny.”

The doctor nodded and checked a box on his clipboard. “Shoes off. I'm now going to test your balance. The first stance is standing with your feet together. Try to maintain stability in that position for 20 seconds.” The doctor glanced at his watch. “Begin.”

Nate stood for about six without moving, but then he wobbled. He stumbled, having to kick one of his feet out to catch himself before he fell. His pride was too strong to admit defeat, though; he acted like it hadn't happened and stood the rest of the 20 seconds.

“Time,” the doctor sighed. 

“Let me go again,” Nate demanded. “Doc? _Doc._ ”

“Now, this is interesting. You answered 'no' to every single post-concussion symptom.”

Nate looked away.

“No neck pain, nausea, sensitivity to light or sound, agitation, balance problems, headaches…” The doctor slammed his book down on his desk and watched as his patient flinched. “I'm not gonna clear you, Nate.”

“I don't have any symptoms, okay?” he argued angrily. 

“You've had two significant head traumas within a short period of time. That's an issue for anyone. For a fighter, it's a serious problem that could alter the rest of your life.” 

“I know how I feel,” Nate said sharply. “Okay? I'm _fine_.”

“I can't clear you. I'm sorry. I know that's not what you want to hear.”

But Nate was already grabbing his sweatshirt and heading out the door.

 

* * *

  
  
 “Ho!” Alvey called as Nate came into the gym.

“Hey.” 

“You see the doc?” 

“Yeah.” 

“And?” 

“Good to go," Nate lied.

“I call him, he tells me the same?” 

“No, he doesn't say anything if you call, cause I'm a grown-ass man and that's illegal, so…”

“All right, let me see the papers.” 

Nate faltered. “I'm getting a second opinion.” 

“Oh,” Alvey said. He wasn’t shocked at the result, but he was a little surprised that Nate had lied to him. 

“I want to fight. I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. Could have won that fight. I got caught, okay?”

“Yeah, I know. But I'm not letting you fight.”

“Why not?" he demanded.

Alvey couldn't believe they were actually having this conversation. "Well, you got knocked the fuck out, first of all. And second of all, every promoter knows you're… you're on a 45-day medical suspension, at least.”

“What about Garo?”

“What?”

“He buried Ryan's shit, why not mine?” 

Alvey put a hand out to quiet him. He muttered, “First of all, that's a different story. And second of all, lower your voice, okay?”

“I'm not letting you fight, do you understand? You gotta slow down, you gotta heal up, then I get you a fight. But we have to be smart. 'Cause this next fight matters, Nate. It matters a lot.”

“All right.”

“Just relax.”

 

* * *

  
   
Zoey walked through the front door of Reunited with a big smile on her face. She marched right up to the front desk, where Ellen was sitting.

“Well, hello there, Dolphin,” Ellen said, her eyes crinkling around the edges in happiness as she took in Zoey’s smile. “What’s got you so chipper, huh?”

Zoey held up a finger and started digging through her bag. She pulled out the folder from the office and handed it to Ellen. The woman gasped when she opened it. “Yes!” she cried. She jumped out of her chair and ran to hug Zoey, who grinned. 

“Congratulations! I’m so proud of you!” 

“What’s goin’ on?” Kennedy asked, popping around the corner. 

“Should I tell her?” Ellen asked.

Zoey nodded happily. She was grateful to have a group of people to be excited for her. After she left Jay in Venice, she wasn't sure if that would ever happen again.

“Dolphin graduated!” 

“Wow!” Kennedy exclaimed. “That’s awesome!” She ran up and threw her arms around Zoey’s hips. "Good job, Dolphin!"

Zoey hugged her tightly and planted a kiss on the top of her head. 

“You did it?” Tabby asked from down the hall. She had Jamie by the hand, and they were approaching quickly. “Congrats! That’s great.”

Zoey nodded her thanks.

“Can I frame this?” Ellen asked, holding up the diploma.

Zoey’s face fell a little.

“What’s wrong?”

Zoey motioned to the kitchen.

“You wanna talk in private?” Ellen confirmed.

Zoey nodded.

“Hey, you guys wanna play Candy Land?” Tabby asked. Ellen smiled at her gratefully.

“Yeah!” Jamie cried.

“Fiiiiine,” Kennedy grumbled.

“I’ll let you be the blue one, Ken,” Tabby promised. 

Kennedy brightened a little and followed the older girl down the hall with a bit of a spring in her step.

Ellen led the way into the kitchen. Zoey grabbed her notepad and sat down at the table across from her. 

“What’s going on? I thought you’d be happier. You sure were a minute ago.” 

 _I am,_ Zoey wrote. _But I’m ready to go home._

Ellen smiled. “That’s so good to hear.”

Zoey tilted her head.

“Well hon, nobody’s supposed to stay here forever. You know most of the kids are gone in a month or so.”

She looked down at the table, digging her nails into her palm.

“I’m not saying you’re not welcome here – we love having you around, and honestly, Dolphin, you’ve been such a blessing helping us with the kids and in the kitchen. But this is about you. You’ve already aged out, and honey, you’ve got a future. You really do. Some of these kids that come through here? They’ve barely got a chance, but not you.”

Zoey nodded slowly. She knew Ellen wasn’t wrong. _Could you make a phone call for me?_

Ellen smiled warmly. “Of course. Your brother?” 

Zoey shook her head. She wasn’t ready for the whole Navy Street brigade to charge Surprise for her. _Remember Ryan?_

“Your friend. He knows your brother.” 

Zoey nodded. She jotted down his phone number (Jay had made her memorize it several years back) and a few notes about the message she’d like Ellen to relay to him. 

Ellen looked over the paper and then up at Zoey. “Well, Dolphin, I have to say; that sounds great.”

 

* * *

 

Kacey was still at the Kulina residence. Christina had gone to work, Jay had gone to work out, and Nate was off at his doctor’s appointment. After a little while texting and scrolling through Instagram, Kacey decided to snap some risqué photos on her phone. She sent one to Nate and opened up Twitter.

As soon as her feed loaded, she heard a vibration from across the room. She got up from Nate’s bed and headed over to where she heard the sound. She lifted up a discarded Navy Street t-shirt and found Nate’s phone. He must have forgotten it when he left for his appointment. She hoped he wasn’t too bored in the waiting room.

Kacey unlocked his phone to set the picture as his home screen background when she noticed something odd – was that Grindr? She clicked it.

Her eyes widened as she sank down onto his bed. Several conversations with guys presented themselves to her on the screen, including brief discussions about meet-ups. She tapped the profile link and found one of his headshots from fighting. There was a fake name, but the other information was accurate.

What else was he hiding? 

Kacey closed the app and went to his camera roll and his text messages. There were several sexual messages between Nate and a guy named Mickey, and there were pictures saved in a secret folder that Kacey wished she could unsee. 

Fuck. 

She was dating a motherfucking faggot.

 

* * *

 

“Nate says something’s up with Zee,” Jay said, trying to sound casual. “He said he can’t place it. Do you know anything?”

Alvey leaned on the counter of the burrito bar. “Nah, man. I know less than you know. I probably know less than fucking Kacey knows."

Jay shrugged. “Ah, well. It was worth a try, I guess. We tried to send her another email, but Ryan’s not sure whether it fucking went through or not.” 

“Does he know where she is?”

“Ryan? No. None of us do.” 

“Not even Nate?” Alvey inquired. “Can’t he read her mind or whatever?” 

“Not even Nate. Dad, we've told you a million times, it doesn’t work like that.”

“I’m just teasing,” he said. He pushed his aviators higher up his nose. “Anyway... This fight with you and Ryan. I've been giving it a lot of thought.”

Jay’s ears perked up. 

“I want to see it happen. I do. But now is not the right time.”

“So when would the right time be?” Jay questioned.

“When we get you a few more wins.” 

Jay rolled his eyes. “Oh, I see. Ryan came out of prison, and he had a title fight in front of him-”

“That was different.”

“Because he was in prison?”

“No, it's… This isn't about Ryan, it's about you.”

“That's bullshit. I'm in the gym every fucking day holding up my end of the bargain, doing what I need to do and busting my ass. I'm not getting in trouble. I'm fucking living my life…” He faltered at Alvey’s sassy expression. “What?”

“You were high as a fucking kite at Ryan's fight,” he reminded

“Yeah, but I didn't get in trouble,” Jay said dismissively.

“Oh, you didn't get caught,” Alvey replied, putting his hands up. 

“I didn't go to prison!”

Alvey shook his head at his son. “Good for you, Jay. You didn't get caught.”

Jay rolled his eyes again and looked away, rattling the ice in his cup. It sucked how easy it was for his dad to make him feel bad. He didn’t even feel like he deserved it anymore. He finally had himself in check. His life was under control, but Alvey was still ragging on him every chance he got. 

“I understand how you feel. I do. But there's a bigger picture here.” 

“For who?” Jay asked knowingly. 

“All of us.” 

“All of us? You mean you, Ryan….” 

“You, you, you. Me, Lisa, the gym. You fucking lose this fight, then what? And you're at the bottom of the pile again.”

“Yeah, but have you thought about if I _won_ the fight?” Why was he the only one who thought he could win?! Jay was starting to get upset.

“You win the fight, he gets another shot at you.” Alvey shrugged. “Not fair, but that's how it goes. You and Ryan now is a nice fight. It's nice. We get you a couple more wins, maybe a belt, that's a fucking _monster_ fight. That's the payday.”

“The thing is… I don't really need you. Alvey, I tell Garo that I want the fight – unafilliated – and Ryan's not gonna duck me.” 

Alvey chuckled. “Ryan is _not_ gonna fight you. I'll never let that happen.”

Jay started to leave, but Alvey stopped him. 

“But I got a plan. You drop down to 145.” 

Jay turned back around incredulously. “ _That_ 's your fucking plan? I starve myself to death?” 

“Oh, come on, it's one weight class.” 

“Some fucking plan,” Jay grumbled.

“And you're little anyway!”

“Fuck off. That's a nasty cut, pops. You know it better than I do.”

“Listen to me... We do it the right way. You get a couple of wins, you get a fucking belt, you fight Ryan... That's the play. That's the play.”

* * *

   
“ I... I don't know how much Jay has told you about me. But I've had kind of a rough road. Has he mentioned that?” 

“I knew there was something, but he didn't share it.” 

“I was addicted to heroin. And, without going into all the gory details, I pretty much lost everything. Including my ability to be a mother. I left my children. I never for one second thought I wouldn't come back, but I didn't. Jay raised Nate and… the _other_ one for me, and he had to come find me.” Christina paused, looking at Laura. “I'm only telling you this because I want you to know what you're getting into. Jay's very sensitive. And he doesn't always process his feelings in the best way. But I've never seen him like this with a girl. I can tell he's crazy about you.” She laughed awkwardly. “Well, not that you asked... I'm sorry. I don't know why I launched into all of that.”

Laura looked away uncomfortably. 

* * *

 

  
“Hi, is this Ryan Wheeler?”

“Yeah. Who’s this?” 

It was a private number that called. “It’s Ellen from Reunited.” 

“Oh, hey. Hang on one second.” Ryan excused himself from the noise of the gym and took his call outside. Once he was in the parking lot, he pressed the phone back to his ear. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything is wonderful,” Ellen smiled. “Dolphin wants to come home.” 

“Really?” Ryan asked hopefully. “Oh, fuck yeah.” He faltered when he caught himself swearing, but he didn’t get any less excited. “Oh! I’m so sorry.” 

She laughed. “It’s fine.”

“So what do I – what do I do?” he asked. “I mean, should I come back out there?”

“Yeah, I’ll need you or someone from her family to come pick her up. She’s seventeen, so I could technically put her on a plane alone, but I really don’t want to.”

“Yeah, she’s been through enough,” Ryan agreed. “I’ll come get her. When is she ready?”

“When can you be here?”

Ryan grinned.

“She’s telling me she wants it to be a surprise for her brothers, though, so don’t tell them.”

“Oh man, that’s a great idea. They’ll love that. Let me check flight schedules and I’ll call you back tonight.” 

“Okay, that’s great, Ryan. Thank you.” There was a muffled exchange on the other line, and then Ellen said, “She says thank you.” 

“Can I say hi?” 

Ellen smiled. “I think she’d like that very much. Here, you’re on speaker.”

“Hey, Little Zee,” Ryan said. He heard a slight echo of his own voice over the line. “I’m gonna come get you as soon as I can, alright? I’ll be there before you know it.” 

“She just signed, ‘I miss you,’” Ellen told him. 

“Miss you too, sweetheart. Nate and Jay are gonna be so happy to see you. They miss you like crazy.” He sighed. “I gotta get back to training, but I’ll talk to you soon.” 

“She wants to know who’s there,” Ellen said. 

Ryan laughed. “Your whole family. Jay and Nate and Alvey. Lisa and Shelby. Joe and Juan, and there’s a new girl here, Alicia.” 

There was a quiet gasp on the other line, and Ryan chuckled. “Yeah, a girl,” he said again. “She's good. You’ll love her. But I really gotta go, Little Zee.” 

“We understand. Bye, Ryan,” Ellen said.

“Bye.” He pocketed his phone and headed back into the gym. He was just picking up the ropes when Alicia walked past him with her bag slung over her shoulder. “Quitter,” Ryan called, grabbing her attention. “Where you going?” 

“To grab some food.”

“What are you doing later?” he asked.

“Not much. Why?”

“I'm chilling at the house, having a couple drinks. Come by, if you want.”

“Yeah, here,” she said, pulling her phone out of one of the zip pockets and handing it to him. “Let me have your address.”

“I, uh. I do have a roommate,” Ryan noted as he typed. “He's a little weird.”

“What do you mean?” 

“Uh… it's hard to explain. You'll see. Come over tonight.”

Alicia smiled. “See you then.”

Just then, Kacey flew past Ryan. “Where's Nate?” she demanded. Without giving him time to answer, she asked again, “Where the fuck is Nate?!”

“He's over there,” Ryan replied, slightly annoyed. But nothing could crush his good mood, not even Kacey screaming at a Kulina.  
 

* * *

  
“You fucking _asshole_! You fucked me last night, you fucking pervert!” Kacey yelled. She was flying up to Nate, waving his phone around in her hand. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck fuck fuck. She knew.

His life was over.

“Ohh!” Juan cried. A couple of the guys were laughing, and someone whooped; they must have thought that Nate had cheated on her with another girl. That he could handle; that at least made him cool, two-timing a chick and getting laid twice in 24 hours. But this – this could ruin his entire life.

“You fucked me last night!” she repeated.

He grabbed her by the arm and tried not to let his desperation show. “Shut the fuck up,” he muttered. “Shut the fuck up.” He pulled her into the lounge and said to the guys that were hanging out in there, “Hey, get out.” When none of them moved fast enough for his liking, he slammed his fist against a locker and yelled, “Get the fuck out! Hey, move!” 

The guys, seeing his anger then, quickly left. Kacey scoffed; Alvey’s golden boy ruled the roost, gay or not.

“Kacey,” he started, but she cut him off.

“I know about all your little boyfriends, you fucking faggot!” 

“Hey, shut up, _please_!” he hissed.

“I saw everything.

“Shut the-” 

“All the texts and the random hook-ups. Pictures of guys' fucking dicks! Are you kidding me? I have to get _tested_ now. Who knows what you have?”

“I didn't do anything.”

“How could you do that to me?” she demanded. 

“I didn't _do_ anything. You have to calm down, Kacey. All right? It was – it was a fucking joke. All right, I never met-”

“I saw everything. You're a fucking homo.” She scoffed in frustration. “If I have something, like-?” 

“You don't.”

“Well, I'm not taking _your_ word for it. You're a fucking lying piece of shit! I can't believe it.”

“Kacey, listen. Listen, you're wrong, okay?" he told her desperately. "You can't tell anybody. _Please_."

“You're disgusting,” she spat. “You need major psychological help.” She shoved his phone into his chest and stalked out of the gym, leaving Nate with his heart beating too quickly in his chest.


	6. Chapter 6

_Hi, it's Laura. Leave a message and I'll call you back._

_Hi, it's Laura. Leave a message and I'll call you back._

_Hi, it's Laura. Leave a mess-_  

Jay pressed the screen to end his call for the millionth time and dialed a new number. It rang three times and then:

“Hi!” Christina’s voice came brightly through the phone. 

“Hey. Are you with Laura?” 

“No. She dropped me off a couple of hours ago.”

“How long?” Jay asked aggressively.

At his tone, Christina switched out of the perky voice. “Well, I don't know. Like, a couple of hours,” she repeated.

Jay paused, trying to quell his frustration before he continued. “Did something happen between the two of you that I should know about?”

“Like what?” Christina asked, feigning curiosity. 

“I don't know.” 

“No, she seemed perfectly fine. We had a nice day.” There was a long pause, and then Christina said in an annoyed voice, “Bye-bye.”

“Bye,” Jay replied shortly.

 

* * *

 

A very pale Sophie knocked on the door of the kitchen. “Dolphin, are you in there?” Her voice was trembling.

Zoey dried her hands on a dishtowel and quickly went to the door. She was immediately concerned when she saw tears in Sophie's eyes. 

“I need to tell you something.” 

Zoey followed her down the hall and into the private bathroom where Sophie locked the door behind them.

“Okay, um,” she muttered. “I don’t know how to say this.”

The older girl waited patiently, giving the younger one time to figure out which words to use. 

“You know Joseph?” Sophie finally said.

Oh, fuck. Zoey nodded worriedly.

“He just. I was in the girls’ room by myself and he came in and...” She swallowed thickly. “He touched me?” she said, more a question than a statement. Her hand went up to cover her face as she started to cry.

Zoey was livid, but she was more immediately concerned with Sophie. Zoey wrapped her in a hug and then, a few minutes later, pulled her to Ellen. She knew the girl didn’t want to share the story, but Zoey wished that when it happened to her, someone had made her tell Jay right away. What Sophie needed right now was care and support and perhaps to finally get Joseph out of Reunited.

Ellen took Sophie into her office alone and they talked for a good ten minutes. Fifteen minutes after that, two policemen came.

That pretty much set the precedent for the rest of the afternoon at the shelter.

 

* * *

 

The sun had set an hour before Jay rang the doorbell of Laura’s place

She jogged to the sliding glass and typed in the code. “Hey, what are you doing here?” she asked curiously. 

“Uh, I was in the neighborhood,” Jay replied, hands tucked into the pockets of his sweats. 

“All right, well, I'm super late,” she said distractedly, leaving the door open as she dashed back in the direction she’d come. “Come on in.” 

“I tried to contact you all day today,” he stated nonchalantly. He shut the door behind himself. 

Laura slid her robe off to reveal a scalloped black bra and plain black boy shorts. “Yeah. My phone died.” She gave him a weird look. 

He nodded as he looked over her. “Are you... are you going somewhere tonight?”

“Yes.”

“Where?” he prompted.

“To a charity event,” she answered shortly. 

“Where?”

She raised her eyebrows at him. “The Getty.”

“A-are you going with somebody?” 

Laura snapped. “Would you stop interrogating me?” she asked sharply, pulling her dress over her head.

“I'm just asking basic information.”

She sat down in a chair to slide her heels on. “Well, let's just talk about this tomorrow, okay?” 

“Talk about what? Talk about what tomorrow?”

She raised her voice a little. “You're being kind of aggressive right now, and it's making me uncomfortable.”

“I-I can't... I haven't heard from you, so I just came by to make sure you were okay.”

“Why, because we haven't talked in _three hours_?” she asked, her voice full of attitude.

Jay’s eyebrows wrinkled. Why was she being like this? “No, cause usually you text me right back.” 

“I don't _usually_ do anything, Jay! We barely know each other.”

He went quiet. “Have I done something wrong?”

She sighed, standing back up. “I just don't like being accounted for.” Her phone chimed. She glanced down at it and said, “And the car's here now. I can't get into this right now. Can we just talk about it tomorrow?” She shook her head at his silence. “Here. Can you do my dress?” She tugged the tie back toward him. When he didn’t move, she prompted, “Please?” 

“Yeah. I'm coming,” he muttered. 

“All right,” she said when he was finished. “I'll... call you when I wake up.” She gave him a peck on the cheek and headed into the bathroom to touch up her makeup. 

Jay silently let himself out.

 

* * *

 

Ryan took a break from Alicia and Keith to give Ellen a quick call.

“Hey, it’s Ryan Wheeler,” he said when she answered the phone.

“Oh, hey, Ryan. I’ve been meaning to call you."

"I found some plane tickets, and I wanted to talk to you about which ones I should get," he explained.  

"Well, I'm afraid I have some bad news. We had an, um. An incident at the shelter earlier today, and I’m afraid Dolphin’s not ready to come home anymore.” 

“What?” Ryan asked. He didn’t bother to hide his disappointment “What happened?”

She sighed. “I’m only going to tell you because of Dolphin. Maybe you can talk some sense into her. There’s a boy here… he’s older than most of the other kids we get. He came from a sexually abusive situation, and ever since he came here, he’s been… looking inappropriately at the girls. He never did anything physical or said anything provocative, so there wasn’t really anything I could do, but today he got one of the girls alone.”

“Oh fuck,” Ryan breathed. 

“She’s one of the ones that Dolphin took a special interest in. They were sort of friends, and then all of a sudden, something just clicked and they were inseparable. I know Sophie – that’s her name – goes and sleeps in Dolphin’s room with her sometimes.”

Like Zoey and Nate used to, Ryan remembered. 

“Things went sour and Dolphin wants to stay with her, but I think if she's ready to go home, then she should go. Do you want to talk to her?” Ellen asked. “I can go find her.” 

“Uh, nah. It’s probably right for her to stay. She’s been through a similar situation, so she’s a good friend for the other little girl to have right now. I’m sad we have to wait to get her back, but I want her to do whatever she thinks is best.”

"I don't think it's a good idea for her to stay here because of someone else. Otherwise, she'll never leave."

"In all honesty, ma'am, I think it sounds like Zoey's needed there."

He could feel Ellen’s weariness through the phone. “Alright then. I’ll let her know I spoke to you.” 

“Hey, um, Miss Ellen?”

“Yeah, sweetie?” 

“Thanks for taking care of her. And all those kids. You’re real fucking awesome.” 

Ellen chuckled. “It’s always been my calling. I’ll call you when there’s a new development,” she promised. “Sound good?”

“I’ll be waiting.”

 

* * *

 

 

Jay rapped twice on Christina’s door. 

“What?” she called.

He pushed the door open to find her sitting on her bed with paints and pencils strewn across her comforter. She had a sketchbook in her lap. He entered slowly. 

“Honey, I'm kind of in the middle of something,” Christina pointed out. 

“What happened today with Laura?”

Christina huffed a laugh. “Give it a rest, Jay.” 

“Mom,” Jay said shortly. 

“What, did she say something?”

Jay stared at her. “No, it's not, _did she say something_ , it's how she's acting. This morning, she was all over me. This afternoon, it's like I can't stop bothering her.

Christina shrugged. “Well, maybe you are.” 

Jay leaned down and raised his eyebrows. “What?” 

“Jay,” Christina said, that lecturing tone of hers on. He used to love that tone because she sounded like a mother. Now he hated it. 

“Mm-hmm.”

“Things go at different speeds for different people. And she may not have the same feelings you do right now.” 

He tried to keep his voice level. “That wasn't the case until today.”

“And now the mysteries of love are _my_ fault?” 

Jay crossed the room and got into Christina’s space. “She's _just_ with you. Just! So what do you think I'm thinking right now?” 

“You're being too needy,” Christina decided. She pulled her glasses off and raised her voice a bit. “Maybe that's what she's reacting to. It's _not_ attractive. Now, can I have some privacy? I'm trying to sketch.”

Jay stared at her for a long moment. When he finally turned to go, he paused in the doorway. He wanted so badly to share what he was thinking, but it would just make things worse. He fought hard to bite his tongue, and he forced himself out the door. 

He took refuge on his couch, lying back on a pillow and thinking about – well, thinking about everything. Laura and Christina and Nate and Zoey and Lisa and the new baby and Alvey and Ryan and where the money for the bills was going to come from and how the hell he was going to go about shedding the thirty or so pounds Alvey wanted him to lose and whether or not he was ever going to see his baby sister again.

He crossed his arms behind his head and wondered where Nate was. He hoped he wasn’t going through Zoey’s boxes again (they’d put all her stuff in her room at Alvey’s place during the move; god knew there was no storage space in the new house). Just when he was about to call his little brother to check in, his phone lit up and buzzed. Lisa. 

“Hey,” he greeted, grateful to hear another voice. It sucked feeling so alone lately.

“Hi. Is this a bad time?” she asked.

“No. What's up?”

“How did it go today?” Lisa prompted.

“Oh, he killed it, and then he said I should drop a weight class,” Jay snorted. 

“What do you think?” Lisa asked.

“I think, fuck him… And why the fuck not?” 

Lisa hesitated. “Honestly, Jay, do you think you can make the cut?”

“I mean, do I really have a choice? Fuck it. I don't care how much it hurts.” He ran a hand through his hair and waited for a reply. Several seconds ticked by. “Lisa?”

“I'm here,” she murmured distractedly.

“If I do this, I want to be treated like a priority. Or I'm leaving.” 

“You will be, I promise.” 

“Yeah,” Jay said softly. “Good night. Kiss the baby for me.” He hung up, rolled up a dollar bill, snorted two generous lines of coke, and laid back on the sofa.

 

* * *

 

Tabby stopped Zoey in the bathroom before bed. The kids were all brushing their teeth. Kennedy, Julia, and Jamie were chattering loudly, and Sophie and Joseph were nowhere to be found.

“Hey, Dolphin?” Tabby asked.

They were standing next to each other at the sink. Zoey looked at Tabby in the mirror, silently noticed a bit of toothpaste on the girl's lip, and nodded for her to continue. 

“Would you be okay staying in our room tonight? Sophie keeps crying, and I don’t know what’s wrong, so I have no idea what to say. I think she would feel better if you were there. There's a bed left you could stay in, and it's right across from hers.”

Zoey smiled and lightly squeezed Tabby’s hand. _Y E S_ , she signed. She finished brushing her teeth and then went to get her things from the spare room she slept in and take them to the room with the cots. All the children slept there now, with Luis home and Joseph at the police station. Jamie had moved in as soon as Luis left.

Zoey laid her pillow on the only vacant bed. Tabby was right, though; it was the one right across from Sophie's. There were six cots in the room, and Jamie had taken the one between Sophie and his big sister. It was going to be interesting sleeping right next to Kennedy, who was the biggest chatterbox Zoey thought she’d ever met, but if Sophie needed a friend, then Zoey was willing to give it a try. 

“Are you staying here?” Sophie asked her. Her voice sounded gravelly from crying.

Zoey nodded. _I F  Y O U  W A N T_ , Zoey signed.

Sophie gave her a tiny smile. “I think I understood that.” She came forward and wrapped Zoey in a hug. “You’re really nice. I'm glad we're friends.”

Lights out came quickly, and Ellen made no comment about Zoey’s new placement other than to give her a proud nod. There was a bit of whispering back and forth after Ellen said goodnight and closed the door, but it quieted quickly and was replaced with the sound of soft, sleeping breaths.

Zoey was awake for an hour, tossing and turning in the cot as quietly as she could. It was no use, though; she found herself dragging her pillow and blanket down to the floor. The tile was cold, but she got used to it quickly. The hard floor was far more welcome under her tired body.

 

* * *

 

“Are you starving?” Laura asked Jay the next morning. They were at some little café place that Laura suggested.

He looked at her, eyebrows lifted. “I could eat.” Jay was having a little trouble with the (amazing, incredible, delicious) smell; he’d read online that the hardest part of starving was the beginning. He’d actually found himself on some “thinspo” and “pro-ana” websites at the gym, which were mostly aimed at girls, but the things in the “tips and tricks” sections were surprisingly helpful. Eating your meals on small, dark plates, chewing everything at least ten times before swallowing, and drinking water between every bite were all things he’d never thought of doing. He planned to go back and look at those sites some more when he was on his own.

“You're a masochist,” Laura accused.

Jay looked at her tiredly. “Yeah, and you're... You're the other one.”

She chuckled. “A sadist?”

“Yeah.”

Laura stirred her tea for a moment, watching Jay. “I’m sorry I got annoyed, but,” she paused to softly clear her throat, “you _were_ interrogating me.”

He set his tiny teacup down. “I just want to know what's going on in your life.”

“Yeah, and then you get mad about the parts that you don't like.”

“Some guy I've never fucking heard of is taking you to the Getty. You're wearing expensive lingerie-” 

“All I _have_ is expensive lingerie, Jay.”

He gave her a look and carefully wrapped her hand in his. “Who else are you sleeping with? I mean, should I be wearing a condom?”

She knitted her eyebrows together, bothered. “Excuse me?”

“Are you fucking this guy?”

“Don't talk to me like I'm at your gym,” she told him. 

“I'm sorry. You're right. That was crass.” He rephrased the question. “Are you fucking this gentleman?”

“Ugh,” she sighed.

“ _Ugh,"_ he imitated. 

She rolled her eyes and muttered, “You're a pain in my ass.” 

“Oh?”

“Uh-huh. His name is Paul. We’ve lived together for five years. The house is his. And, no, I'm not fucking him.” 

“He's just paying for you?” 

“No. Just the house.” 

“And he's taking you to gala events,” Jay added. 

“He likes to take me because I know all of his business partners. It's just... It's easy for him.”

“What's he do for a living?”

“He's an entertainment lawyer.”

“Mmm!” Jay smacked his lips. “Mmm! Is he rich?” 

“Does it matter?”

“I don't know,” Jay said, “does it matter to you?” 

“If it mattered, I'd be with him, and I'm not. I'm with you.”

Jay nodded, liking the sound of that. He glanced out the window, and Laura followed his gaze. 

“You ready to go?” she asked. 

He nodded. 

“Okay.” She led him outside and wrapped her arm around his. “I told my friends about you,” she shared.

Jay's eyebrows rose in surprise. “You did?” 

“Mm-hmm.” 

“What did you say?” he inquired.

“That you're crazy,” she laughed, “and that I'm having a sexual awakening with you.”

Jay grinned. “Wow. A sexual awakening.”

“I told them that I've never come so much in my life.”

Jay held up an arm, flexing his bicep. Laura laughed warmly again. 

“Oh, wait a second. Even more than with Paul?” 

“ _Way_ more than Paul.”

Jay smiled wider. “Yay-yuhhh.”

“Paul was too big. I couldn't take it unless I was really drunk.”

Jay nodded slowly.

She gave him a little push. “What's wrong? I'm answering all your questions!”

“You're a fucking sadist is what you are.”

“A little,” she admitted. When he resumed walking, she stayed stationary. She called after him, “Wait, look!” 

“Wow!” A giant, blown-up poster of Jay was hung on the inside of one of the shops they’d passed. Jay peeled off his sunglasses and got a closer look as Laura grabbed her phone out of her purse. “Whoo! Look at these features, huh? I mean, the fucking cheekbones right here? Are you kidding me? I look like an angel! Look at that.” 

Laura laughed and snapped a picture of Jay posing next to the photo of himself.

Jay gave her a high-five.

“Babe. Aw, you look good!”

“Thank you,” he said proudly. He went in for a big kiss.

 

* * *

 

Alvey stood in his office doorway watching Lisa’s girl rotate between the stations she’d set up for herself. 20 bicep curls on each arm, crunches with a ten-pound medicine ball, and then a full minute on the ropes. He watched her do it twice before he stopped her.

He clapped loudly several times in praise but also to grab her attention. “Alicia, right?” he asked as he came over.

“Yeah.” She was breathing hard, and she put her hands on her hips.

“I'm Alvey.” 

“No shit,” she said, huffing a laugh.

“Joe says you've been coming in at six in the morning.” 

“Yes, sir.”

“Every day?”

She nodded. “Every day.”

Alvey looked at her respectfully. “All right. Wrap your hands up. We'll move around a bit.” He gave her a small smile.

Alicia swallowed, trying to hide her excitement. “Okay.” But she was still proud of herself – she’d earned this.

 

* * *

 

Nate checked his email for the millionth time; still nothing from Zoey. He sighed, shoving his cell phone back into his pocket and ducking into the sports bar. He was an hour from home at a place called Champ’s that the promoter suggested they meet at. Nate was fine with it; he wasn’t planning on eating. He just wanted to get a fight lined up.

“You look good,” was the first thing the promoter – Cory – said to Nate. “I can tell you're in shape. You take care of yourself.” He shook his head. “You'd be surprised how many guys show up looking like sewer shit. But not you. Not you. I like that.” He gave Nate a once-over. “You got to take those glasses off.” 

Nate looked around to make sure there was no one there to recognize him before following the guy’s instruction.

Cory chuckled at Nate's black eye. “Got your bell rung, huh?”

“No, I'm good,” Nate snapped back, not bothering to hide his aggression. 

“All right,” he replied, putting his hands up. “Don't got to worry about me. You say you're okay, I take your word for it. Medical suspensions? That's for the fucking nanny state, and I don't play that bullshit. But do me a favor. Put the glasses back on. You're giving me a fucking headache.” 

Nate did so gladly. “So, what's the deal? You got a spot on this card for me or what?” 

“Yeah, I can find a spot for you. It's in Fresno. It's only a week out.” 

“It's not a problem,” Nate assured. 

“Okay.” 

“Who's the guy?” 

“Local kid named Vargas. He's aggressive. Not a lot of skill, but he's a tough motherfucker.”

“155?”

“Ish. If either one of you's a few pounds over, I'm not gonna dock you.”

“I'll make it,” Nate promised. 

The guy grinned. “Even better. Unfortunately, though, not a lot of money.” 

“I just want the fight.” 

“All right. It's a deal. I'm excited.” The guy took a sip of his drink. “Your old man gonna be okay with this?” 

Nate tried not to scoff. “Don't worry about him. He's fine.”

“Yeah, I won't worry about him when he's ripping my fucking dick off,” Cory said, shaking his head. 

Nate ignored him. “Do you need me to sign something?” 

Two hours later, he walked into the locker room and heard the unmistakable sound of Jay’s clippers buzzing. He was expecting his older brother to be giving himself a haircut, but what he found was something else entirely. 

“What the fuck, man? Would you go in a stall or something, please?” Nate asked, rolling his eyes.

Jay was trimming his pubic hair smack in the middle of the room. “I'm almost done,” he replied conversationally. He shut off the clippers and the buzzing stopped. He blew a over the top of it like it was a smoking gun. “High and tight, per the lady's request. Ooh-ah!” he cried, pulling up his pants. As he buttoned them, he asked, “So… young man, why are you here?” 

“I have a tennis lesson,” Nate deadpanned, sitting down and pulling a sarcastic face at his brother. He toed off his shoes and tossed them into his bag.

“Mm. Haha. Very funny, very funny. You're supposed to be healing up, Nate.”

“I feel fine.”

“You know, eat, drink,” Jay said longingly, rubbing his belly. “What's the rush?” 

“I have a fight.”

Jay looked over at him, concealing his reaction. “Who with?”

“A guy Juan hooked me up with.”

“Mmm, Well, you're on medical suspension, so if this shit's in California, it's shady as hell.” 

Nate shut his locker door, ignoring Jay. 

The older boy blew out a breath. “Does Alvey know?” 

“Doesn't matter. I'm taking the fight.”

Jay nodded, taking it in. He didn’t have the energy to argue. “Okay, then.”

“See you out there.”

 

* * *

 

“You ready to work?” Alvey asked, coming up to Jay.

The outcast son was clad in a sweatsuit and rapidly jumping rope. “Where's Ryan?”

“He's with his old man. How you feeling?”

“Deprived on every fucking level, but ready to fight. How _you_ feeling?”

Alvey smiled a little at Jay’s question. “I feel good. Thank you. I'm gonna have you see a nutritionist, okay? We'll cut the weight, and you won't lose so much strength.” 

Jay nodded. That sounded nice. “You talk to Lisa?” 

“I have.”

At the sparse response, Jay reminded his father, “There are a lot of other gyms that I can go to, man.”

Alvey huffed. “I'm not letting you out of the gym, pal. You're too important here, okay?” 

Jay liked the sound of that, too. 

“I'm gonna give you everything I give Ryan. I promise."

And that. Geez, what was up with Alvey today?

"Hey, what do you think about this one... this girl?” 

Jay followed Alvey’s gaze to Alicia Mendez. “Got to ask Ryan about that one.”

“No,” Alvey groaned, “come on. Already?”

Jay practically cackled. “Woooo!”

Alvey shook his head at him. “Now, do me a favor. I want you to move around with her a little bit. See if she's worth a shit. Come on.” He walked away before Jay could even respond.

“Aye, aye, captain,” Jay mumbled.

 

* * *

  
  
“See how the knee comes off?” Jay asked. “This is the only part I'm worried about.”

He was in the cage with Alicia, and Alvey was letting him do his thing for once. Probably because Ryan wasn’t there, but who gave a fuck? It felt good to be in big brother mode again – Nate barely needed it anymore, and with Zoey gone, Jay was feeling pretty useless. But Alicia reminded him a little of Zoey – she tried hard, and she wanted to do well. She was hard on herself but kind to everyone else. She didn’t give a smile when she got praise, though, which was a little odd to Jay. Zoey beamed every time anyone said anything even remotely kind to her, but not this girl. Jay wondered what her story was.

“Turn it, turn your foot,” Jay coached. “There you go. Take a little distance. Get in. Bam! That's it. Right here. Set up your hands now.”

Alvey called, “That's it. That's it.”

“Once more,” Jay instructed. When her calf collided with his side again, he grinned. “Nice!”

“Okay stop, stop,” Alvey said. “Take a break.” 

Jay kept hopping around the cage, though. “Keep the jab moving. Angle out. Nine iron with a baseball bat at the end of it! Alicia got to watch out!”

Alvey shook his head at the new girl and shrugged. “I don't know what he says, but he's right.”

 

* * *

  

“You don't know me, but this is not me,” Jay said to Alicia a little while later. She was relaxing on the couch while Jay was messing around the kitchen, poking through everyone’s food on the counter and in the fridge. “I don't suffer complicated women. But Laura, you know, she's got me... she's got me making exceptions.”

“So this chick lives in the same house she lived in with her ex?” Alicia repeated, checking her facts. 

“Yes.” 

“And he owns the house.”

“Correct.” 

“And they're not fucking?”

“Nope,” Jay said, his lips popping around the P.

“So he's giving her a dope house for free, taking her to all these high-end events, and she's not giving it up? Yo, I got to find me a guy like this,” Alicia chuckled. 

“You think she's full of shit,” Jay stated, looking at her nervously. 

“Look, I don't know her,” Alicia began.

Jay interrupted, “No, but I'm asking for your opinion cause my instincts are askew.” 

Alicia nodded and then said, “No dude's ever given me anything for free, period.”

Jay took a moment. “If she's fucking him, I don't know when she's doing it because I'm with her all the fucking time.” 

“Well, she's not with you now. What, you don't think people fuck during the daytime?”

Jay’s eyes widened a little, and he turned away. Fuck. He forced himself to relax and then said, “Of course. I mean, people fuck at all times. She could be fucking him right now. She could be fucking him in Ojai or in a fucking sailboat for all I know.” He sighed, turning back to Alicia. “I appreciate your candor. I'm both… embarrassed and illuminated.” He was desperate for a change of subject, so he added, “You did nice work today. Are you gonna be with us tomorrow?”

“Every day,” she smiled. 

“Indeed!”

Jay started to leave, but Alicia called him back. “Yo, have you seen Ryan today?”

“Um, he's with his dad… dealing with some heavy shit. But it's not about you! So don't sweat it.”

“I don't.”

“Goddamn right you don't,” Jay affirmed. “Alicia Mendez sweats no man.” 

She laughed. 

“Yes, ma'am.” 

 

* * *

 

Alvey walked back into the gym just in time to see Nate head into the cage. “Nate! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, what are you doing?” he called, jogging up to the fence.

“Sparring with Juan,” Nate answered calmly.

Alvey almost laughed. “No, no, you're... No, no, you're not. Come here. I said no sparring until your head's right.”

Nate walked back down the steps and tugged his mouth guard out. “I'm fine,” he responded, his voice flat.

“You're not fine,” Alvey insisted. “You're not fine, you're not cleared, and you're not fucking training until you are, okay? Done. Finished. Just do some cardio.”

“I got to train 'cause I took a fight,” he said, standing up straighter. No one was going to hold him back. Not anymore.

“You did what?” Alvey asked quietly.

Nate continued flippantly, “I took a fight. It's in Fresno. Next week.”

Alvey grabbed Nate hard by the elbow and dragged him away from the cage. “Are you out of your fucking mind? You put yourself in a bad situation-”

Nate yanked away from him and interrupted, “Yeah, listen, I can train here or somewhere else. It's up to you.” He stared his father down and cracked a small, determined smile. “I'll leave right now.” 

“Oh, will you?” Alvey demanded. “What do you think this is, huh? You making a fucking - you making a choice here? You're making a big fucking mistake. You understand me? You're gonna fuck everything up.”

“I'll fucking leave right now,” he breezily told his father.

“Oh, yeah?” Alvey challenged. 

Nate shrugged carelessly. “Give me the fucking word. 

“Okay,” Alvey whispered, defeated. He turned back to Juan. “Ground only. No fucking striking. Got it?” He turned back to Nate and commanded, “Give me the gloves.” He was half expecting the kid – his most obedient kid – to protest, but Nate had gotten his way. He peeled off the velcro and handed the mitts to his father. “Ground only,” Alvey repeated as he walked away. “Fucking Fresno,” he bit. He flung Nate’s gloves hard into the mat. “Fucking idiot.”


	7. Chapter 7

The air was filled with the sound of moans. 

“Oh, my gosh,” Laura gasped, catching her breath. ”That was so good. You are fucking insane.”

Jay inhaled deeply and flexed his arms. “Well, I try really fucking hard, so I'm glad you noticed.”

Laura laughed. “So, does this mean you're over your little freak-out?” 

“Hmm. No, I didn't fucking have a freak-out.” 

Laura gasped. “Yeah! Yes, you did.” 

“No, trust me. If I was fucking freaking out, the police would be notified, helicopters would be deployed. We'd have hounds released.”

“Well, can we at least be on the news?”

“The news?” Jay echoed. “Baby, it would be the top fucking story.” 

Laura laughed and then sighed tiredly. “I need a drink. You want one?”

“You know I can't have a drink. Don't tempt me with that. It's empty calories, you little sorceress vixen, you.”

Laura called over her shoulder, “You're a woman!” 

Jay called after her, “Yeah, a woman you just fucked!”

 

* * *

 

“Hey,” Alvey said when Lisa came into the kitchen. It was well past midnight, and he was surprised to see her awake.

“Hey,” she replied amiably. 

“I thought you were asleep,” Alvey noted.

She shrugged. “I can't get comfortable.” 

“Oh.”

“Where you been?” she inquired. 

“I went for a drink.” 

“You okay?”

Alvey sighed. “Nate took a fight.”

“No, he didn't,” Lisa gasped. 

“Yeah. Some shit-bag promoter. They’re doing it in Fresno. I told him it was a big mistake, but he basically told me to go fuck myself.”

Lisa sighed. “He's a grown man. He can do what he wants, but this is _not_ good.”

“No. I've got to corner him. I can't leave him by himself.” He huffed. “I can’t get a break.”

Lisa turned and reached up on the shelf and pulled down a glass and a bottle.

“What's that?” Alvey asked.

“I'm having a glass of wine.”

“Really?”

She nodded at him. “Doctor said.”

“Oh. Did I miss another appointment?”

“No, you're good,” she smiled. After a moment of sipping her wine, she said, “I want to have sex.”

“Right now?”

“Right this very moment.”

“With me?” Alvey confirmed.

“Mm-hmm. And I only had half a glass of wine, so you can fill the rest of it up.” She started to walk toward the bedroom but then looked over her shoulder. “Oh, and don't be a gentleman. You're not gonna hurt me.”

Alvey had to suppress his grin.

 

* * *

 

 

“How's Paul doing tonight?” Jay asked. It was just past midnight, and the rest of LA was starting to fall asleep. The bars were alive, Jay was sure, but the roads were quiet.

“It's not Paul,” Laura replied. “It's my assistant.”

“Show me,” Jay commanded. 

“No.” 

“Because it is Paul?” 

“Oh, my God.” 

“Show me the phone. Just show me your phone.” Jay reached for it, and she snatched it away. 

“No, fuck you! I'm not showing you my phone! It's not Paul!” 

Jay raised his voice. “Why am I having a hard time believing that?” 

She tipped her head angrily. “Hmm, I don't know. Let's dig deep.”

“Yeah, let's... let's do that,” he agreed, ready to try to psychoanalyze her.

“Maybe because of your mother?” she filled in. 

Jay did a double-take. “Excuse me?”

“Yeah,” Laura said, standing her ground. 

“Excuse me?” he repeated. 

“She told me all about her addiction and how she left you guys and how it fucked you up. And I am starting to see that. Your brother got hurt fighting and it’s like his life is over. Your little sister _ran away,_ Jay. She ran away! Have you guys even ever _been_ to therapy?” 

“No, we haven't,” he said simply.

“Well, maybe you should try it.”

He changed the subject, moving the fight back to where it was supposed to be. “Why are you letting this guy take care of you?”

“He's not,” Laura snapped. 

“He is. He's giving you shelter. So what are you doing in return? What the fuck are you giving him in return, Laura?!”

She lowered her voice dangerously. “You think I'm fucking him so that I can stay in this house?”

“I think it's a fucking reasonable fucking suggestion, Laura!” 

“Oh my god, Jay!” she cried.

“Don't you think?”

She yelled, “Not every relationship is transactional!”

Jay shouted louder, his face starting to turn red. “ _Every_ fucking relationship is transactional! That's the fucking definition of a fucking relationship!”

Something broke inside Laura. She looked at him with dead eyes. “I can't do this.”

“Laura… Laura, Laura, Laura! Fuck!” Jay smashed a glass onto the floor where it shattered. She turned back to look at him. “I can't get you out of my fucking mind!” he cried, throwing his arms desperately out to the sides. “You're fucking with my head! I'm sorry! I'm fucking sorry!” He quieted, but he didn’t even try to keep his emotions under control. “I’m sorry. I'm jealous. I'm a jealous fucking guy.” 

Laura shook her head. “I want you to go.” 

“Please, Laura,” Jay begged, “I'm a fucking jealous guy.” 

“I want you to go,” she murmured, disappearing down the stairs. 

“Fuck,” Jay hissed. He grabbed his hair and pulled hard, trying to compensate physically for the pain he was feeling inside. Tears welled up in his eyes. “Fuck!”

 

* * *

 

 

Christina smiled at herself in the hotel room’s mirror. The large stack of bills in her hand felt like they belonged there. She could finally breathe again.

Ryan sifted through a box of his old wrestling things in his father’s garage. Everything he picked up held a memory. But was it of a better time? Or just a simpler time he longed for? He grabbed a few things and put them in the passenger seat of his borrowed car. The Ryan on the cover of _College Wrestler_ was not the same person that sat in a prison cell for five years or the same person that stood in the dark garage with the cardboard box. That kid had never snorted coke or even fucked a girl. Given what had happened, would Ryan go back and change it? 

Zoey woke on the tile floor of Reunited, and for a split second, she didn’t know where she was. She’d thought she was in her bed at home in Venice. Nate was in the next room, and Jay would be just across the living room, maybe smoking, maybe watching a movie, maybe sleeping. She could go in and lie down with him, and he’d snuggle her up, wrapping her in a big, warm hug. He’d smell like marijuana and Old Spice, and he’d kiss her forehead, and she could relax. Nightmares were futile when Jay was in the room. Usually it was Nate she missed the most, her best friend and her favorite companion, but tonight she’d give anything – anything – to go spend time with her oldest sibling. Hearing his voice so recently had been sacred. She hoped he was doing well. She turned over on the tile and pulled her blanket up to her chin.

Jay sat by the pool, completely nude, crying, and contemplating whether or not to drown himself. He longed for Zoey; she was always ready with a hug and a sweet, encouraging word for him. But in Jay's mind, she was a million miles away in the middle of nowhere, freezing on a street corner with no shoes and no money and nothing to eat. Jay cried harder. Oh, Laura. He shouldn’t have asked her who was on the other line. He shouldn’t have told her to show him her phone. But the suspicion and envy were killing him, and he couldn’t help but indulge himself. He wanted to make sure he was the only one.

And his relationship with Laura didn’t operate like the ones he had with family; she could end things and they would just be over. There was no tie to keep them forever bound – god knew Jay wished he could cut that tie with his father. But things with his siblings were always better because he knew they would always be one. Even though Zoey was gone, she was still a part of them. It was painful, sure, but there was never any question about whether or not she was still part of the family. It would always be the three Kulina kids, regardless of where they were or what they were going through. But not Laura. Jay ached. 

Nate watched Jay crying through the window until he couldn’t bear it anymore. He paused his video game. It was cold outside, he figured, so he went in Jay’s room and grabbed his softest hoodie before walking out through the back door. He walked cautiously around the pool, watching Jay to make sure he was welcome before he got close. When there was no sign of hostility, Nate sat down behind Jay and helped his big brother shrug the jacket onto his shoulders. The younger boy dipped his feet in the pool and let the water come halfway up his calves. Then he leaned forward and embraced Jay, softly kissing the side of his head for good measure. Jay shut his eyes.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, due to 2x11, this chapter got a lot sadder than it was when I wrote it. Hope y'all enjoyed the new ep as much as I did! (I had to stop 20 minutes in to take a calm-down break because my heart was beating so fast! This show is the air I breathe, I swear to you.)  
> Also, thank you so much to all y'all that have been messaging me on Tumblr. I really love talking theories with you and answering all the questions you have for me, silly or serious :) A special shoutout is in order for KingdomFan, who's been making Zoey fanart for me. I am so thankful for your gorgeous work!! My brother (who's 17) was like, "That is some AMAZING Photoshop!" (We super appreciate you xoxo.)

Alvey flew into the locker room where Nate was trying to cool down. “You broke his fucking arm,” he reported angrily. “You broke his _fucking_ arm! You hear me?” He slammed Nate’s back up against a locker. “What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? What the fuck is wrong with you? Can you hear me?” 

“Yes,” Nate muttered.

Alvey got in his face. “You know what you did? Can you fucking hear me?”

“Yes,” Nate repeated, so softly that the word barely reached Alvey’s ears.

“You know what you did? You know what _he does_? He works fucking construction!”

Alvey was yelling so loudly that Nate had his eyes squeezed shut. He was trying and failing not to flinch at every punctuated syllable. 

The words echoed through the locker room, but Alvey didn’t care. He kept screaming, defending his fighter. “He picks shit up and he puts it down for a fucking living, and that's how he makes his money. That's how he earns. Now he can't fucking do that. Cause of you. Now he can't pick up his fucking _kids_. Okay?” Alvey was pissed, but he needed answers. “What's wrong, dude? What the fuck?” 

“Nothing,” Nate said. 

“Nothing? _Nothing?_ Are you trying to prove something to me?”

Nate shook his head.

“No? You're not? Well, what the fuck?” 

“I couldn't feel him tap,” Nate lied. 

“You didn't feel him tap?” Alvey repeated, livid. “He fucking tapped 20 times! I watched him fucking tap!” He grabbed Nate’s face, hard. His fingers dug into his son’s chin and his right temple. “You are out of fucking control!” he shouted. “What is going on?” 

“Hit me,” Nate whispered, shoving Alvey back a few feet.

“Hit you?” Alvey echoed, surprised.

“Fucking hit me!” Nate screamed, the tension in the room finally snapping.

“Hit you?” Alvey repeated again in disbelief. “I’ll fucking _kill_ you! Get out of my gym. Get the fuck out of my gym.”

 

* * *

 

That night was the beginning of the end on Navy Street. 

Nate and Laura fought two more times and then ended their relationship. Christina quit her job at Patty Palace and resumed selling her body full-time and regularly using heroin.

The messy fight in Fresno left Nate bleeding, sweating, crying weakly into his father’s shoulder. Alvey hugged him tightly to his chest, murmuring, “Let’s go home, baby. Let’s go home.” 

And Zoey felt more alone than she ever had. Joseph had been held at the county jail for a short time and was then relocated to a different youth shelter. Sophie was withdrawn and silent, and Zoey followed suit. It was Ellen that finally decided to make a move. One phone call and everything was turning around.

Zoey jogged into Ryan’s open arms and hugged him warmly. Her hands shook as she pressed them into his back. She was so relieved to see him.

“You ready to go home?” he asked.

She nodded into his soft shirt.

She packed her few things in a plastic bag, gave Ellen her dad’s address (mail was hit or miss at Jay’s) so the kids could keep in touch, and said some teary goodbyes. Leaving Sophie was the hardest.

Ryan had rented a car, a little silver sporty thing, and Zoey was happy to be in a vehicle for the first time in nearly a year. The shelter was in a good enough location that the kids walked everywhere they had to go. Zoey had forgotten just how quickly cars could get from point A to point B.

Ryan chatted to her and played pop radio on the drive, and Zoey was hit with song after song that she didn’t recognize (her favorites included Love Me Like You Do, some catchy thing called Uptown Funk, and a song called See You Again that almost had her in tears). Shake It Off did play at one point though, and Zoey had to smile at that. It always made her think of Nate after he sent that email.

The airport was an adventure in itself. There were massive brown panels in the ceiling that made Zoey feel like she was in Disneyland, and all types of people flooded the walkways. It was a beautiful airport, it really was. And while she was a little bit sad to leave Arizona, she was definitely glad to be heading back to California with Ryan. 

They went through security, which was much less of a hassle than Zoey had been expecting. She was a little freaked that they made her take off her shoes, but she was wearing flip flops, so it wasn’t a big deal. Plus, she’d always heard about the shoe thing in the movies.

Ryan had zipped her plastic bag into his backpack, which he sent through the scanner with their shoes. They came out the other side and headed to the gate. 

“You want anything to eat?” he asked. “We’ve got plenty of time. They have burgers or ice cream or whatever you want. It’s on me.” 

Zoey followed him like a duckling. 

“Whenever you see something you want, you just let me know.”

After a few minutes of walking, she tugged on his shirttail. She pointed to a sign that read _Humble Pie Pizza._  

“Oh, fuck yes,” Ryan grinned, slinging his arm around her and kissing the top of her head. “Pizza it is!”

They got in the short line and Ryan ordered her a slice of pepperoni and two mushroom slices for himself. The pieces were huge, but Ryan devoured both of his. Zoey ate hers slowly, savoring each bite. It had been so long since she’d been allowed to eat out, and they hardly ever made pizza at the shelter. 

Ryan smiled as he watched Zoey enjoy her food and her soda.

“So, I got a window seat. You wanna sit there?” he asked. 

She nodded eagerly.

“I think I remember Nate saying neither of you have ever been on a plane. Is that right?”

She nodded again. Jay had once, which is how he knew about the Grand Canyon. Back when he was small, Alvey and Christina had taken him there. Back when they were still okay, when they weren’t fighting, when they were a family.

“Yeah, you definitely need the window. It’s cool. We got,” he glanced at his phone, “like twenty five minutes.” 

Zoey nodded and sipped the last of her Coke through the straw until the bubbles at the bottom gurgled loudly. 

Ryan laughed at her sheepish smile. “I’d buy you another one, but we gotta go board in a minute. Maybe on the way home.”

'Boarding' turned out to be hanging out with Ryan in a terminal and playing tic-tac-toe with him on his phone screen. They tied over and over. When their flight number was called, Ryan stood up and shouldered the backpack. He led Zoey to the desk and handed the guy behind the counter their tickets. They went down a hallway and into the plane, and Zoey bounced into her window seat, just like Ryan had mentioned. She watched the men in orange vests directing planes and cargo on the tarmac below while Ryan stuffed his bag into the overhead compartment. 

He settled next to her and turned off his phone, sliding it into his pocket. “Hey, I was thinking; I could tell Jay to come by my house tonight. Say I had to show him something important. That way you can surprise him.” 

Zoey smiled and reached across to squeeze Ryan's hand. _T H A N K Y O U_ , she wrote on his palm. 

“Happy to help.” 

Zoey turned back to the window. Pretty soon, the plane was rolling slowly across the ground, and Ryan was talking her through the process of taking off. The words were nothing compared to the actual sensation, though. The plane went faster than Zoey imagined it would, much faster than the roller coaster at Pacific Park. And the sensation of the wheels leaving the ground – there was nothing like it. Zoey reflexively grabbed Ryan’s fingers when it hit her that there was nothing underneath them, just air.

Still, she wasn’t afraid. It was just odd to be in the sky. The streets between the houses and shops looked like veins. The cars were the size of ants, and then a moment later, they were half the size of ants. Zoey loved watching everything shrink. For some reason, it made her feel like she could breathe. 

Within twenty minutes, they were literally in the clouds. Zoey had never seen clouds from the top before; they were so wispy. She was a little disappointed at that. She was hoping they’d be full and bouncy like in cartoons.

“Hey, Little Zee,” Ryan murmured, tapping on her shoulder.

She turned to him. 

“I think I’m gonna fall asleep. Is that okay?” 

She nodded and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before turning back to the window. 

He couldn’t help but take a photo of her before he went to sleep; she looked so sweet with her forehead and hand pressed up against the glass. Then he got comfortable (as comfortable as he could in the cheap seat) and closed his eyes. He couldn’t wait to get home.

 

* * *

  

After they landed, the walk out of LAX was quick. They didn’t have to wait for bags, and Ryan’s borrowed car was parked in the closest deck. Wheeler knew Zoey wanted to see her brothers right away, but he wanted to give her a chance to shower and get some rest, so they went to Keith’s house. 

Ryan introduced Jay's sister to his roommate, and Zoey looked a little wary, but she was kind regardless and did her best to thank him for letting her into his home. Jay had taught her well. Ryan handed her a clean towel and pushed her in the direction of a shower. He told her to take her time (she certainly did – she was in the steamy water for over half an hour), and then he offered her his bed to take a nap. She closed herself in the room, but when he peeked in an hour later, she wasn’t in the bed. It looked like she never had been. He walked in and found her tucked behind the bed, passed out on the floor with his thinnest blanket pulled up to her chin. He smiled at her sadly and closed the door again. 

Once Zoey woke up and he made sure she got something to eat, Ryan made a phone call. “Hey, it’s me,” he said into the phone. Zoey glanced over at him curiously. “You need to come over here. I’ve got to show you something.” 

“What is it?” she heard Jay inquire through the receiver. She smiled.

“It’s really important. I can’t tell you now, but you’ve _got_ to see. Come as soon as you can, okay?”

Jay sighed. “Alright, alright. I’m on my way.” 

Ryan hung up and turned to Zoey. “Alright, we got like seven minutes til he’s gonna be here.”

She nodded happily. 

“You excited to see him?”

She nodded again, even more enthusiastically.

“I know he’s gonna be even happier. He’s missed you like fucking crazy.” 

The minutes ticked by slowly. Ryan had a camera recording when Jay came to the door. It was hidden in his left hand, and he made sure to conceal it from Jay’s view as not to give the whole thing away.

“What the hell is so goddamn important that you couldn’t just tell me over the fucking phone?” Jay asked as he barged in. 

Zoey smiled to herself; she'd missed his foul mouth.

“Here, go in the living room,” Ryan directed, letting Jay walk first.

“This better be good, motherfucker.” But as soon as the words left his mouth, Jay’s eyes landed on his little sister. 

She gave him a hopeful smile, but he was already running towards her and lifting her up.

“No fucking way,” he breathed, “no fucking way. Zoey, oh my fucking god, you’re okay. You’re okay.”

She kissed his cheek and then nuzzled into his shoulder. Her hand tangled into his hair as he held her, and she tugged lightly on the curls, just making sure he was real. He was. 

It felt so good to be back in her big brother’s arms. She was safe. She knew it before, being with Ryan, but now that Jay was with her, now that she could smell his skin and feel his t-shirt, she could sense it in her soul. She was home. She was alright. She was protected, and more importantly, she was loved. 

Jay set her down and instructed, “Let me look at you.” That lasted all of three seconds before he was picking her up again and holding her to his chest. He started crying then, and Zoey held him closer.

“You look so much older,” Jay choked out. “I missed you so much, Zee. I love you.”

“Was that a good surprise?” Ryan asked, the camera still recording in his hand. Jay lifted one hand and flipped him off. Ryan chuckled. 

The hugging lasted forever because Jay couldn’t seem to let go of her. Zoey didn’t mind. Ryan finally stopped recording and got Jay to sit on the couch, where he pulled Zoey next to him and pressed her against his side. “You’re fucking home,” he kept saying, as if he wasn’t quite convinced that he should let himself believe it.

She nodded. 

“She’s not talking,” Ryan supplied, “but other than that, she seems okay.” 

“Where the fuck were you?”

She took his hand and wrote on his palm, _A Z_.

“Arizona?”

She motioned for a phone. Jay handed his over and she opened a note. _I was trying to get to the Grand Canyon. Because of you. You said it was beautiful and I wanted to see for myself._

Jay read the message aloud so Ryan could hear it too. “You didn’t make it, though?” Jay asked.

She shook her head. 

“Where did you stop?”

_Outside of a place called Surprise. I lived on the streets for a while and then a lady brought me to a shelter in town. That’s where Ryan found me._

“You were homeless,” Jay stated quietly. 

Zoey looked away but nodded. 

“How did you eat?” he asked, a little sharply. 

She shook her head. 

“Zo. What did you do?” 

_I managed._

"Zoey Grace."

She shrugged and casually typed, _I gave blowjobs in the bathroom at a gas station for twenty bucks._ (She didn’t add that she charged $25 if they wanted to cum in her mouth. Ten extra if they wanted her to swallow.) 

Jay ducked his head and put it in his hand. That one he didn’t read aloud. “Why did you leave?” he asked brokenly. 

 _You know why._  

“I really don’t. Me and Nate talked about it for hours. Lisa and Alvey, too. We don’t know what set it off. Everything was good!”

She bit her lip, trying not to get angry. _On the surface, maybe,_ she typed. 

“Yeah, that’s what Lisa said.” As if he suddenly remembered something, he paled. “Zee. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t talk to you that night. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t regret that. You came to me _again,_ and I wasn’t there _again._ You deserved so much better than that.”

She shrugged. 

“Look at me,” he said, taking her shoulders and turning her to him.

She swallowed and looked into his eyes. 

“You fucking deserved better.”

She blinked and quickly looked away again.

“Oh, Zee,” he sighed, pulling her back into his arms.

She laid across his torso and closed her eyes, just feeling his heart beat under her ear. Her fingers played with the edge of his t-shirt. “I love you,” she tried to say, but nothing came out. The tears finally came then, just one out of each eye. Jay noticed and pressed her head against his chest. 

She’d been ignoring everything for so long, but in that moment, she wanted so badly to tell Jay everything. About the rape, about the shelter, about school and how she graduated, about how fucking cold it got in Arizona overnight, about when she was sleeping in the trees by the highway, about her first plane ride, about Ellen and Sophie, about how much she’d missed hot showers and fluffy towels and carpet and thick toilet paper… Still, she couldn’t speak, so silence it was, at least for now.

Luckily, Jay shifted the focus off of her and started interrogating Ryan. “How the fuck did you find her? Was it the email?”

“Yeah, man, I’m sorry. I should have told you. I just. I didn’t want to get your hopes up for nothing, you know?” 

Jay nodded, understanding. 

“I wanted to make sure she was actually somewhere we could fucking get to before I told you I traced it. I didn’t want to have you and Nate going fucking crazy and hitting a dead fucking end.” 

“So how did you do it?”

“I tracked the email to a library in Surprise, Arizona. I called, and I had to talk to three different people at the library before anyone knew who the fuck I was talking about, but there was this one lady who knew Little Zee.” 

 _V I O L E T_ , Zoey signed, even though she knew neither of them could understand it. 

“She told me about Ellen – that’s the lady that runs the shelter – and where I could find the shelter. So I went to the airport the next morning, and I flew to Phoenix and took a cab to Surprise.” 

Jay took a moment to process. “Thank you. For doing all of that. For finding her.” 

Ryan nodded. “You guys are my family,” he explained.

 

* * *

 

An hour later saw Ryan and the two siblings headed to the gym. Ryan had the camera back in one hand, and Jay had his cell phone recording in the other. Zoey walked in behind them. 

Shelby squealed and gave her a quick, excited hug, but the boys shushed her before she could say anything else. “We’re going to surprise Nate,” Ryan explained, and Shelby grinned. She followed behind them all, eager to see the best friends reunite.

Ryan had a camera on Zoey, and Jay’s was on Nate, who was in the cage. As soon as Zoey saw Nate, she smiled. (Later when they were watching the videos, Ryan, Jay, and Alvey would each notice that a fraction of a second after Zoey smiled, Nate smiled too, even though he was in the middle of sparring.) 

“Hey, tiger!” Jay called, and Nate turned. He grinned at Jay, but then his eyes landed on Zoey, and his smile disappeared. He looked almost nervous. He moved cautiously up to the cage wall, peeling off his gloves and pushing the door open. 

He slowly walked down the steps, and Zoey stood still, letting him do whatever it was that he needed. The two were staring intently at each other, both of them with big, sad eyes and matching expressions.

Nate took his time getting to her. Once he finally did, he took her face in his hands and tilted their foreheads together. “It’s really you,” he breathed.

She nodded. 

“You’re okay.”

She didn’t move.

He stepped back, and she was heartbroken at the loss of contact. But then-

“Are you staying?” he asked. 

She looked at him for a long moment, and then gave one slight nod.

He stayed stationary, just looking at her. She could feel her heart splitting in two; she’d waited so long to see him, and he just… he didn’t love her anymore. Zoey couldn’t imagine anything worse. 

“Nate,” she pleaded, her voice hoarse and broken. (Ryan’s eyes widened.) 

At her voice, Nate’s face crumbled, and he pulled her into the tightest hug she thought he’d ever given her. His chest trembled, and he held her so close she could hardly breathe, but she was smiling. 

A handful of people clapped, and that grabbed the attention of the entire gym. Pretty soon, everyone was cheering and applauding. Zoey barely even noticed, though; she was just happy to be back in the arms of her brother.

She laid her head on his shoulder and felt him crying underneath her body, and she let herself cry a little bit, too. She’d missed him so much. So fucking much. Neither of them noticed, but despite the crying, their breathing had already synced.

At all the commotion, Alvey came out of his office with a pregnant Lisa a few steps behind him. He looked into the crowd and saw Nate and… some girl.

“Who the fuck is that?” Alvey asked. He turned to Lisa, who had a hand over her mouth. “Is that Kacey? Did they break up and get back together or something?” 

Lisa shook her head. “You’d think you’d recognize your own fucking daughter.” 

Alvey blinked. “ _What?_ Is that-” 

But Lisa was already walking away. She went straight to Jay and wrapped an arm around his waist, and he pulled her into a hug. He kissed the top of her head and whispered to her, "She came home."

A few feet away, Nate squeezed his eyes shut and swiped at his nose. He pulled back from Zoey, but kept her hand firmly in his. He led her through the crowd to Lisa’s office, where he closed the door behind them.

Lisa broke apart from Jay and followed Alvey’s youngest children. She opened the door to her office, and both of the twins looked up from the couch. 

Zoey’s face shot into an eager smile when she saw Lisa.

“Hey, you!” Lisa laughed as Zoey practically bowled into her trying to get a hug. “Aw, Zee. I fucking missed my little sister.”

Zoey pulled back and kissed Lisa on the cheek. She held the older girl’s hands and then realized that there was something new that hadn’t been there before. She reached out and put a hand on Lisa’s growing belly and looked up at her in shock. 

“Yeah, that’s your half brother in there.” 

Zoey’s mouth dropped open. She turned around and looked at Nate for confirmation, but he was just smiling warmly at the exchange between his two favorite girls. 

Zoey tapped the top of her wrist, inquiring how much time was left until she got to meet the baby.

“I’m eight months right now.” 

Zoey nodded happily and squeezed her almost-sister back to her chest.

There were three quick raps on the door, and then Alvey was walking in the door. “Zo,” he greeted.

It was a bit awkward, but the two embraced.

“We were fucking worried about you, sweetheart. It’s good to see you home. Your brothers missed you a ton.” 

She nodded and then went to sit on the sofa with Nate. She folded herself under one of his arms, leaned on his shoulder, and closed her eyes.

“We have so many questions,” Lisa gushed. 

“Later,” Nate murmured, looking down at Zoey. She looked fucking exhausted.

Without opening her eyes, she traced on Nate’s arm, _P L A N E   T H I S   M O R N I N G._  

“She was on a plane this morning,” Nate relayed, a little confused.

 _E X P L A I N   S O O N_ , she promised. 

“Nate, go train,” Alvey instructed. “She can stay here.”

Lisa shook her head.

“No fucking way,” Nate said, tightening his arm around Zoey.

“If she’s just gonna sleep-” Alvey began. 

“I don’t care. I’m not leaving her.” 

Zoey smiled a little into his chest. Tears welled up in her eyes with no warning, and she sniffled.

Nate noticed, and Lisa watched fondly as he stroked a hand down her back and rested his chin on the top of her head. He looked up at Lisa. “Can you get Jay?”

“Of course. I’ll send him in. Alvey, come on.” 

“What?”

“Come on. Let’s give them some space.”

Twenty seconds later, Jay walked in and knelt in front of his kids. He pulled them both tightly to his chest, smiling warmly to himself. The three Kulina kids were back together again.

 

* * *

 

When Nate was done training and everyone had said hello to Zoey, the three siblings headed back to Alvey’s house. Zee was exhausted and ready to get into her room, but when she tried to open the door, it wouldn’t quite go all the way.

Nate heard the noise and gave her a tight smile. “Yeah. All your stuff’s in there.”

Zoey looked at him curiously and then peeked around the door. He was right; there were probably twelve or so cardboard boxes stacked on top of each other, and two of them were blocking the door. Nate stepped in front of her, wiggled through the gap, and pushed them out of the way. She nodded her thanks.

Nate watched as she knelt on the ground and opened one of the boxes. All the things she’d stuck on the wall were in that one – pictures and posters, doodles Jay had done for her, coloring pages from when she was a little younger – all rolled up and stuck together. She reached for the next box, which contained several of her books. She found her hand-me-down copy of _Looking For Alaska_ near the top and clutched it to her chest. She kept it in one hand while she sorted through the rest of the novels with the other. 

Nate took a seat on the floor a few feet away from her, watching her back in her bedroom with her things. Eventually she put the book on her bed and started sifting through her clothes with two hands. She pulled out a Lucky Charms t-shirt and smiled. She peeled off her tank top and switched tops right there. Nate rolled his eyes at her, but she was too busy searching to notice.

A few minutes later, Zoey motioned for his phone. _I want to donate a lot of this stuff,_ Zoey wrote in a note. 

“To where?” 

A quick Google search pulled up Reunited. She handed the phone back. 

Nate clicked around on the page solemnly. “Is this where you were? A runaway shelter?” 

Zoey nodded. _They need books and clothes. Lots of clothes, especially shoes. We should do a drive._  

“Zebra, you just got home. Slow down.”

 _No. Those kids, they don’t have anybody else. Nobody loves them except each other._ She swallowed. _I miss them._  

Nate glanced over the message and nodded. “Alright. I’ll talk to Dad. But… you know we loved you, right? When you were gone, I mean. It didn’t change anything.” 

She tilted her head and shrugged her answer.

He reached forward to hug her, but something caught her eye. She grabbed his forearm and pulled his hand closer for inspection.

“Oh yeah,” he chuckled. “I was wondering when you’d notice that.” 

On the inside of his left wrist, there was a little lowercase z marked in black ink. It was off to the side and so small that it was easy to miss, but the gesture – the fact that he got the ink done without knowing whether or not he’d ever see her again – was overwhelming. She ran her thumb over it and squeezed him in another embrace. 

He didn't say anything, but when she leaned back and crossed an X over her chest, he did the same.

Zoey turned back to the boxes, ready to look some more through her old things, but her stomach rumbled loudly.

Without any extra prompting, Nate stood up and helped his little sister to her feet. “You want some Cheerios? Or – I bet Jay will make us grilled cheese. It’s almost dinner time. HEY JAY!”

Zoey followed behind him. 

“Yeah?” Jay yelled back. 

“Dinner?” Nate called, heading down the staircase. 

“Yeah, okay. What do you want?” Then to himself, Jay muttered, “What the fuck's even in this fucking house?” He got up off the couch where he was chatting with Lisa and headed to the kitchen. 

“Is there stuff for grilled cheese?” Nate asked. 

“Yeah,” Lisa supplied.

Zoey stopped by the sofa to hug her. Then she looked at her questioningly, pointed at Nate, and then used her finger to draw a Z on the left side of her wrist where his tattoo was. 

“Yeah, I knew,” Lisa said. “It’s sweet, huh?” 

She took the older girl’s hand and wrote, _W H E N ?_  

“When you’d been gone six months.” 

“Hey, Zoey Grace, get your ass in here!” Jay called.

Lisa smiled at her and nodded toward her brother. “Go on. Go be their sister. They missed you.” 

A few minutes later saw Zoey perched on Jay’s back as he grilled sandwiches on the stove while Nate helped Jay think up all the annoying pop songs that Zoey had missed. 

"What was that one... fucking - All About That Bass," Nate groaned. "I  _hated_  that one."

"Oh, and what about, uh." Jay put on a girly, high-pitched voice. "Bang bang into the roooooom!" he sang, terribly scratchy and off-key. Zoey laughed. "Wait! A minute let me take you there!" he continued. 

"Don't hurt yourself," Nate deadpanned.

Jay turned around and swatted the spatula at him. "Excuse me, Nate, but don't insult my fucking exceptional talent. Fucking exceptional."

“Careful,” Alvey directed shortly at his eldest son as he came in.

“She’s fine. We used to do this all the time.”

“Hey, Dad, Zoey had an idea,” Nate said.

Zoey raised her eyebrows at him, surprised that Nate was going to share so soon.

“She did?” Alvey asked, turning to his favorite child.

“She wants to know if the gym could do a clothing drive.”

Zoey quickly hopped down off Jay’s back and walked over to the island.

“For what?” Alvey inquired. 

“The shelter she was staying at.”

He glanced at Zoey. “You were at a shelter?”

She shifted nervously under his gaze. 

Alvey shrugged and then nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, we can do that. Get the animals to bring some stuff in.” 

Zoey perked up a little. 

“Wait. On one condition.”

She nodded expectantly. 

“Lisa says you gotta go to therapy.” 

Jay and Nate were both surprised when Zoey agreed without protest. 

“So you’ll go?” Jay asked. 

She nodded again. 

“Good,” Jay said, “cause if you leave again, I’m calling the fucking FBI to find you.” 

Zoey smiled fondly at him. 

Jay turned back to the pan and grumbled, “I’m fucking serious.”

 

* * *

 

 

Like clockwork, when 10 PM hit, Zoey was immediately exhausted. She silently excused herself and headed upstairs to brush her teeth and go to sleep. Jay followed her up and braided her hair, but she pushed him out of the room when it was time for bed. She’d gotten so used to sleeping alone, and she didn’t want anyone to know that when she’d sat on Ryan’s bed that afternoon, she’d thought she was going to fall right through it. It was certainly the softest thing she’d ever laid on. It was like a cloud – or, what she’d thought clouds were like up until her flight earlier that day. She’d stayed on the squishy bed for about ten seconds before she laid down on the floor. Even the carpet was twenty times softer than the shelter’s hard tile. She was sure the carpet in her bedroom at the big house was even softer than the carpet she’d napped on at Ryan’s. 

She took a thin, orange blanket from her bed and laid down on the floor between the mountains of cardboard boxes to rest. She was incredibly happy to be home, but she knew it would be a long time before she stopped missing Ellen’s voice calling for lights out. 

There was so much to think about, but Zoey had had a long, tiring day. Sleep came as quickly as it did at the shelter. She prayed for easy dreams and for the kids at the shelter. She also prayed for the new baby and thanked God for bringing her back to her family.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this week has been INSANE. i went back to work and therapy, i met joe jonas, i got to see the revival tour, nick's album dropped, jon bellion released his first official album, and now christina grimmie was murdered... i also had a ptsd episode, so that was fun. but im better now i guess. here's the chapter. sorry it's short again. like i said, the week has been insane.

It turned out that Alvey was serious about Zoey starting therapy before the he’d let her arrange the clothing drive, so Lisa, Jay, and Zoey spent the morning on the patio at the big house with a laptop looking at therapists in the area that Alvey’s insurance covered.

“A woman, right?” Lisa asked.

Zoey shrugged noncommittally. Truthfully, she didn’t really care. As long as it was someone nice, she would be fine.

“I think we should look for a woman,” Lisa affirmed.

“I don’t know,” Jay countered. “I think it could be good to keep all our options open.” 

With forty-five minutes of searching, the trio had narrowed it down to four people that might be good matches. Sarah Lafayette, formerly from Louisiana; Dr. Novak, a clean-cut man who had a cross on the wall in his photo; a kind-looking man named Samuel Winchester; and finally, another woman, this one named Mary. _Like my tortoise!_ Zoey wrote. 

Jay smiled. “Yeah, she’s still around,” Jay told her.

Zoey positively beamed. 

“The Samuel guy has the most stuff lined up with you,” Jay said to Zoey when they were going through the open tabs again. He pointed at the sidebar instead of reading it out loud. Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, self harm, and post-traumatic stress disorder were all on his list.

“And he has nice hair,” Lisa smiled. 

“Oh yes,” Jay joked, throwing his hands up, “how could I forget? The deciding factor – the hair.” 

Zoey backhanded his arm. 

“Seriously, though, Zoey. We can try some of them out. It’s not always a perfect fit right away,” Lisa stated.

Zoey looked at the screen for a moment before reaching across Lisa and pulling the laptop towards herself. She clicked back and forth between the windows and then hit Command F. A search window popped up. In it, she typed, _I want to hear their voices._

“Okay, let’s see.” Lisa started searching on Dr. Novak’s website, the page Zoey left open. After a moment, she located a video. It loaded quickly, and soon Dr. Novak’s low, scratchy voice was filling the deck.

“Hello,” he said very seriously. “My name is Dr. James Novak, and with the help of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior, I would like to help you find peace with whatever may be troubling you. My counseling centers around helping you connect with God and the angels of heaven as you -”

Zoey quickly shut the video off. She opened the search function again and simply typed, _Not him._  

Jay chuckled and crossed himself. “Praise the fucking lord.”

“Okay, here’s Dr. Winchester. Or – well, I don’t know if he’s actually a doctor. But there’s a video.”

This one was different; instead of the man talking into the camera and making the viewer feel awkward, this one was shot from the side. There was a girl off to the side and out of view of the camera asking questions, and he responded looking at her instead of into the lens. It was almost like an interview instead of an advertisement.

“Okay, Sam, are you ready?” The shot flickered into focus.

“Yeah, I’m ready.” The man moved his hair out of his face and sat back in his chair. 

“Okay. Tell us your name and where you went to school.”

“Uh, my name is Sam Winchester. I graduated from Stanford in 2006, and I got my masters at UCLA.”

“Were you always from California?” 

“No. I actually grew up in a small town in Kansas.”

“Are you married?” 

He smiled. “Yes. I have a beautiful wife named Jessica, and we have a big, fluffy golden retriever who likes to slobber and shed all over everything. But it’s alright, though. We call him our son, so it’s all good. He’s forgiven,” he laughed. “His name is Buddy.”

Jay watched as Zoey smiled at the screen. The ‘interview’ went on for another thirty seconds or so, just a little get-to-know-you thing, but Jay already knew that Zoey had her heart set on this guy. “You like him?” he asked. 

She nodded. _He seems nice._

“Yeah, I think so too.” 

“I’ll call and see if he’s taking new patients,” Lisa said. “I need to go grab my phone. I’ll be right back.”

When she left, Zoey got up from her chair and went over to Jay. She sat down in his lap and laid back against him. 

He squeezed her and nuzzled his head into hers, making her silently giggle and push him away. He grabbed her fingers and kissed them. A minute passed in silence.

“You know, I had a girlfriend while you were gone,” Jay mused.

She sat up and looked at him with wide eyes. She moved her hand at him in a circle as if to say, “More!” 

“It didn’t last too long; it wasn’t meant to be. But she was - whoo! She was something else. Her name was Laura. Beautiful girl. Photographer, real smart… knew what the fuck she wanted.” Jay looked away. “But she was fucking hung up on some fucking other guy.” 

Zoey pressed a kiss to his cheek and laid back on his chest. _I M   S O R R Y._

“No, no. It was heartbreaking, it really was, but the highs she gave me were so goddamn good, you know? I don’t regret her. No, I don’t fucking regret her at all.” He glanced down at her. “Hey, did you date anybody? You little jailbait, you?” 

She chuckled to herself and then shook her head. The runaway shelter wasn’t exactly where she wanted to pick her future boyfriend. Not that she was super stable herself.

“Are you ever gonna?” he inquired. 

She shrugged. If the right person came along, maybe. It’s not like any guy in high school looked at her twice. And maybe if any of them did, it’s not like they didn’t know about her big brothers, who could each literally kill them in twelve different ways with their bare hands.

Now wasn’t the time anyway.

Zoey went back to her chair and searched the shelter’s website so he could show her a picture of Ellen and Jo.

“She looks nice,” Jay said. “She’s the lady in charge?”

Zoey nodded. _E L L E N._

Lisa came through the glass door onto the patio. “His secretary said he’s taking patients,” she reported, her phone pressed to her shoulder. “He has an open spot today! Do you want to go?” 

Zoey shrugged. She didn’t really.

“I think it’s a good idea,” Lisa said encouragingly. “They can fit you in. I think it would be a mistake not to take advantage of that.”

“Yeah,” Jay said. “You should go today and start now.” 

“And if you don’t think it’s a good match, we can start sooner on finding someone else.” 

Zoey looked up at Jay. He looked sincerely nervous about whether or not she was going to say yes. She glanced back at Lisa and nodded. 

“Okay, I’ll tell her.”

Jay grinned and gave her a light punch in the arm. “Atta girl,” he praised.

She shyly smiled back. She wasn’t too happy to be going, but she figured she could give this therapy thing a whirl. Besides, she’d eased Jay’s worry, so at least there was that to feel good about.

 

* * *

 

The appointment was at 1 PM at an office about ten minutes from Alvey’s house. Jay drove her in the pick-up, which still had no air conditioning, extra squeaky doors, and bumped too much, but to Zoey it felt like home. Throughout all the different schools and apartments when she was a kid, this truck had stayed constant. And to think, it had seemed so old then!

They pulled up to an office park, and Jay tugged the key out of the ignition. When Zoey didn’t move to get out, Jay sat back in his seat.

“Are you having second thoughts?” he inquired.

She blinked and then silently slid out of the car. If this is what her family was demanding in order to let her stay, then this is what she would do. God knew she needed it anyway.

She and Jay walked into the office. There was a cheery girl sitting at the front desk with a shock of red hair. “You must be Zoey,” she smiled. “You can have a seat. Sam will be out in a minute.” 

Zoey and Jay sat down on the chairs. Jay helped himself to the magazines strewn across the table, but Zoey just anxiously kicked her feet.

When the therapist came out of his office, he was much taller than Zoey had anticipated. He had long hair like in the video and he wore a big smile. “Hey, Zoey. Come on back.” 

Jay stood up and stepped in front of his little sister. “My name is Jay,” he said, a little aggressively.

“Hi, Jay,” the man said, undeterred. “Are you here with Zoey?” 

“I am. She’s my sister. I expect her to be treated with respect.”

The therapist nodded. “Of course.” He turned to Zoey. “If you’re uncomfortable at any point or you just want to stop, you just come on back out here. Okay?”

Jay took a step back and nodded, satisfied with the man’s reply. “I’ll be right here,” he promised.

She looked over her shoulder as she followed the man into his office, and Jay gave her an encouraging smile. She tried to smile back.

“So this is my office,” the man said, holding the door open for her. “Take a seat wherever you like.”

The room was a little larger than Zoey had been expecting, and after a few seconds, she realized it was actually the room from the video online. There was a couch, and there were two armchairs. She sat on the corner of the sofa, the same corner she sat on at home. She pulled her knees to her chest. 

“So, Zoey.”

She drew a Z in the air and followed it with two Es.

“Zee?” he repeated. “Is that what you want me to call you?” 

She nodded. 

“Okay. You can call me Sam.” When she didn’t say anything, it seemed to jog his memory. He got back out of the chair and said, “I almost forgot – I have something for you. I figured this would help.” 

He pulled out two iPads, pressed a few buttons on them, and then handed one to Zoey. It showed a blank white screen with a pencil icon and a rainbow of colors down the side. “Here, write something,” he said. 

She used her pointer finger to choose purple and then doodle her name on the screen. 

“Okay, now click the green button.”

Zoey glanced down at the corner of the screen and did as she was told. A split second later, Sam smiled at her and flipped his iPad around – it showed her name exactly as she’d written it. 

“Whatever you write or draw gets sent to the other iPad when you press the button,” he explained. “There’s a typing function too. That’s usually quicker.” 

Zoey nodded. It only took her a second or two to locate it. She cleared her screen. 

“Can you tell me a little about what brings you here today?”

 _My dad said I had to come._  

Sam nodded. “Why did he say that?” 

_He said I had to do therapy or I couldn’t do the clothing drive._

“What clothing drive?”

_I want to have a clothing drive for my shelter._

“A homeless shelter?”

_A youth runaway shelter._

“Do you work there?”

She shook her head.

Sam paused. Then he asked, “Did you run away?” 

Zoey nodded.

“Can you tell me about that?” 

She swallowed and slowly typed, _I guess Lisa told you I was raped last June. I was a mess and I was tired of hurting my family. And I needed to get away so I just left. I stole my dad’s car and I drove for two hours. I left his number on the dashboard so they could find him and tell him where it was, and then I started hitchhiking. Eventually some lady brought me to the shelter._  

Sam took a moment to read over what she sent. “What do you mean, you were a mess?” 

_I had… kind of a breakdown, I guess? After it happened. I didn’t tell anyone for a month, but I got sick physically because I was so freaked out and upset. I had a fever for like a week and I couldn’t stop sleeping because I just wanted it to go away. I didn’t want to think about it._

“Were you with your family then?”

 _Yeah. I stayed at my dad’s away from my brothers (they live in a different house than my dad) because I knew they’d freak out._  

“Freak out how?” 

_Like… they’d try to figure out what was wrong with me. And I didn’t want that._

“They’re protective over you?” Sam inquired. 

_Yeah. I’m the littlest._

He nodded. A quiet fell over the room. Sam was going to ask another question, but then Zoey typed a question of her own. 

_If I tell you what happened – like what really happened – you can’t tell anybody right?_

“That’s correct. So long as no one is in danger, I’m bound by law to keep what happens here to myself.”

 _So if I tell you who did it, you can’t tell?_  

“No, Zee, I can’t tell.”

She nodded, considering. He was quiet, watching her but letting her think. _I haven’t told anyone,_ she said, _but I’m going to write it down,_ she said.

“Okay.”

She spent multiple minutes typing. _His name is Clint Walker. He and my older brother Nate (Jay who’s outside – sorry about that by the way – is the oldest. Nate is the middle one) fought each other_

She backspaced all of that and started over.

_I’m the littlest, like I said. My oldest brother is Jay. He’s the one outside. Nate is the middle one. Both my brothers and my dad do MMA. My dad is a coach, and both my brothers fight._

She scratched the apology – it hadn’t been sincere. She’d missed having someone to look out for her while she was gone. 

_Nate had a fight with this guy named Clint Walker, and Nate won. The guy had looked at me weird before and he said something to me that I can’t remember exactly but he made me nervous. Most of the other guys Nate fights are really nice outside the cage, but not him. He was creepy.  
_ _The day after Nate won the fight, these guys (not related to the fight) beat him up on the street. Nate's head got cut open and his knee was destroyed and he had to stay overnight in the hospital two days and it was really bad. I thought I was watching him die._

Zoey looked up from the screen at Sam, who was jotting something on his notepad. She tapped twice on the arm of the couch to get his attention. 

“What’s up?” he asked. 

_C A N   U  S I G N_

He smiled. “If you go a little slower maybe. Yeah. I know the alphabet.” 

She smiled back at his jest and spent a little longer on each letter. _C A N   I   C U S S_

Sam chuckled. “You can say whatever you want.” 

She nodded at him and went back to typing. 

_The night he got home from_

Delete.

_He was on these really fucking heavy pain meds, and when he got home, he was still taking them. They made him fall asleep, and nothing could wake him up. Nothing. The night he got home was the night I got raped. Clint Walker, the guy from Nate’s fight, came and he_

Zoey stopped typing and swallowed. She looked away from the iPad. 

Sam noticed. “Are you okay?” 

She nodded and pressed the green button to send everything she'd written. Twenty seconds went by as Sam read, and by then, Zoey was feeling okay enough to keep typing.

 _He fucking raped me. It’s still hard to say. It’s a very ugly word._  

She tapped the button again.

“It is,” Sam sad. “And a very ugly action as well. I’m really sorry you had to go through that, and I’m sorry you felt so alone. But telling me was a huge step, and giving me a name after you’ve kept it to yourself for such a long time is a really big deal, Zee. That’s awesome.”

She gave him a tight smile.

“I know it doesn’t feel good to talk about. But I promise it’ll get easier. And it’ll help you so much.” 

She looked away.

“One more thing before we switch to some easier stuff – that got really tough really fast, I know,” he said, laughing a little. “Just one more thing and we’ll talk about something else, I promise. I just want to know – how have you been coping?”

Zoey shifted. 

“Some people journal or talk to their friends and family about what’s going through their head. I know you haven’t been talking. That silence is actually a way that you’re coping.”

An angry look flashed across her face. 

He put his hands up. “No, no, I know it’s involuntary, Zee, I know that. I know you want to talk. Not letting you is part of how your brain is coping with the stress from the trauma.” He let that sink in for a moment before he asked again,” So how _are_ you coping? What helps you get through the day?” 

Zoey thought wistfully of her sharp scissors.

“I work with a girl a little older than you who likes to paint when she gets upset. There’s a boy your age who says going for a drive clears his head. So what do you do?” 

Zoey shrugged.

“Pushing your feelings away isn’t going to do you too much good,” Sam warned her, though not unkindly. “I tell you what.” He moved the iPad and his clipboard aside and pulled a little blue thing out of a basket on his bookshelf. He crossed the room to hand it to her. “Try this. Next time you’re feeling upset – or if you just have some time or you’re bored or you’re happy, it doesn’t matter – I want you to write something in here. It could be about what you’re feeling or what happened the day before or what you ate for breakfast. Just write something down. Or draw, even. Get your feelings out of you and onto paper. Okay?” 

She flipped the small notebook over in her hands. It was flimsy and thin, like something you’d get in a kids’ meal at In-N-Out. 

“If you don’t like it or it doesn’t help,” Sam said, reading her face,” we can try something else. But you’ve got to do something or else it’s just going to keep building up until you can’t take it anymore. And that’s never fun.” 

She nodded in agreement. 

“Okay, now. Let’s talk about something else. Tell me about something you like.” 

 _Reading,_ she typed without thinking twice.

“Oh, I LOVE reading,” Sam declared. “Are you reading a book right now?” 

She eagerly nodded. 

He sat back in his chair. “Which one? I want to hear all about it.”

 

* * *

 

 The rest of the session went easily, and Zoey was honestly a little sad when it came to an end.

“She did great work,” Sam told Jay when he walked Zoey out to the waiting room. 

“Good,” Jay said, but his eyes were only on his sister. She gave him a confirming nod, and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders when he got close enough.  Satisfied, Jay looked up at the other man. “So how does this work, do I pay you now or?”

The girl at the reception desk piped up before Sam could respond. “No, we’ll bill your insurance. You’re all set!”

“Okay, thanks.” 

If he wasn’t sure before, Jay knew Zoey was okay when she gave Sam a little wave before she left.

They climbed in the car, which creaked under their weight as usual.

“So, how was it?” Jay inquired.

Zoey nodded. “Good,” she whispered. It was barely audible with the windows down.

Jay grinned widely and reached over to jiggle her knee. “I love you, kiddo.”

She beamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if yall want to join the party on tumblr, i would love to hear from you. i'm taking prompts, answering questions, and sharing theories at jxnas.tumblr.com. if you just read a little about what's been going on, check jxnas.tumblr.com/tagged/ask-Aly or jxnas.tumblr.com/tagged/kingdom. you can also see what i've said about certain characters if you format it like 'tagged/nate-kulina' etc. i love love love talking to you guys. it's honestly the only thing that kept me from ODing this morning, so thank you if you sent me something. 
> 
> PLEASE check out nick's album. you can hear it on spotify, apple music, tidal... the deluxe edition is at target if you want a hard copy (that's where i bought my 3rd one; the first two came with my soundcheck tickets), and of course you can also buy it on itunes.
> 
> have a great week xoxo -kk


	10. Chapter 10

**Tuesday**

_I’m tired. But I’m happy to be home.  
_ _It was hard seeing Nate so torn up when I came home but I still wouldn’t take back what I did. I think I would have died if I hadn’t left. And I learned a lot anyway. It was cool to feel like a big sister. I think I understand my family more now._

  

**Wednesday**  
_I forgot how much I love Jay’s cooking. He made us pancakes this morning (you said I could write what I ate for breakfast) and he gave Nate one was shaped like a penis. Apparently he watched some YouTube video about how to make “pancake art” – which I didn’t even know was a thing – and he’s been cooking penis shaped pancakes for months. He’s fucking crazy.  
_ _Regardless, it’s been nice being back. I missed my brothers so much, even more than I realized. I’ve been hanging out at the gym with them a lot which has been awesome cause I get to catch up with all our friends but I’m getting tired of being at Dad’s already. They still won’t let me go back to Jay’s. They say that there’s not enough room for us all there cause I guess my mom’s still over there which kind of makes sense. But it’s weird. Nate gets all cagey when it comes up, and Jay’s definitely lying. I just don’t know why or what about._

 

**Friday**  
_Sorry I didn’t have anything really to say yesterday. Not much happened.  
_ _Today I have a plan though. Jay and Nate went to the gym after lunch. While they’re gone, I’m going over to Jay’s house to get the rest of my stuff and sort through it for the clothing drive. Most of it was in boxes at Dad’s (and they still won’t tell me why!) but there’s got to be more left. My copy of Chamber of Secrets is missing and I want to make sure he’s still got that and I can't find my St. Elmo's Fire t-shirt._

 

Zoey put her journal away, grabbed Nate’s bike out of the front yard, and headed for Jay’s. The streets looked so similar that it was almost like she’d never left. All the street signs and the faded graffiti were in their place. Sunburned tourists with big beach bags and tan locals on skateboards still covered the boardwalk. The homeless lady that panhandled outside the arcade remained exactly where Zoey had last seen her in July. 

Zoey could see Pacific Park in the distance, and she ached to be back on the West Coaster with her brothers. She pedaled past it and rode two more minutes down the quieter blocks to the gate. 

When she got up to the house, her eyes widened. All the surfboards and punching bags were gone. Gone! The picnic table had disappeared, the weeds had been pulled, and the front door was actually shut. The curtains were missing from her window and they’d been replaced with shutters. What had mom done?! 

Zoey pushed open the fence and went up to the front door. She twisted the knob; locked. Great. 

Not bothering to be polite, she knocked ceaselessly. The glass in the door started to rattle from her force. 

“Jeeeesus,” someone inside complained. “Hold on!” 

Zoey stopped knocking and stepped back. A guy in a hula shirt and boxer shorts appeared at the door. Zoey’s eyebrows drew together in confusion. “Who the fuck are you?” she asked. She blinked, startled at the sound of her own voice.

“I’m Tom,” the guy said, pulling his cigarette out of his mouth. “Who the fuck are you?”

Zoey cleared her throat. “Is my mom here?” she inquired. She sounded raspy as fuck, but who cared? She was talking!

“Uh, I think you got the wrong house. Unless Jackie’s your mom? But she’s like… 25.”

“No, my mom is Christina. I’m Zee.” When he looked at her blankly, she tried again. "Zee? Did she ever mention a Zoey?” 

The guy shook his head slowly. “No, miss, we ain’t got no Christinas here.”

Zoey was so shocked and bewildered that she didn’t even know what questions she should ask.

“Are you at the wrong house?” the guy wondered. 

She shook her head and tried for her voice again. It worked. “No, I live here. I’ve lived here for like. Three years.”

“Well, shit, I think you’re mixed up. Me 'n Jackie moved in last winter.” 

“You – _you_ live here,” Zoey echoed, pointing at him. 

“Yes.” 

“Well – what. _What?_ Do you know Jay?” 

“Jay… he’s the… oh the, uh, the mohawk guy, right? Crazy eyes but real nice?”

Zoey huffed a laugh. “Yeah, that’s him. He’s my brother.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I met him once. He came by a couple days after me and Jackie got here. Said he wanted to… say goodbye to the house or some shit.”

Zoey stood there, staring at Tom.

After a few seconds, he waved a hand in front of her face. “You alright, mama?” he asked.

“Uh, yeah,” she muttered, taking two steps back. “Yeah. Sorry to… bother you.” She retreated through the grass and picked up Nate’s bike.

“Ay, shut the gate!” he called after her. "Shut the goddamn gate!"

She ignored him. She stepped onto the bike, feeling completely betrayed, and headed straight for the gym. She pedaled quickly, all the joy she’d felt earlier sucked out of her. She was hurt and confused, but mostly she was angry. She needed to talk to Jay. 

Zoey stalked through the door and up to the cage. She slammed her hand against it to get her brothers’ attention. “You fucking moved?” she asked, her voice barely coming out as more than a whisper. 

Nate looked to Jay. 

“Okay, here. Let’s go talk,” Jay said, keeping his voice calm. 

“So it’s true? You moved?” she repeated, anger burning in her eyes.

“How’d you find out?” he asked, undoing his gloves and coming out of the cage. Nate stayed put in the middle of the canvas. 

“I went to the fucking house!” she rasped. “Some guy I’ve never seen answered the door and told me.” 

“Oh, Zee,” Jay said sadly.

“This is why all the boxes were in my room,” she realized. And then it was if a switch had flipped; her voice was suddenly broken again. “I can’t believe this!” she tried to say, but no sound came out. 

She punched the closest beam.

“No, stop,” Jay commanded, putting a hand out toward her. “Stop it. We’re gonna go talk.”

Zoey scowled at him, but he saw right past it to the hurt in her eyes.

“Come on. Let’s go sit down, alright?” 

She shook her head and turned abruptly. She left the gym as fast as she could.

Fuck. 

She biked back to the house, her anger filling her chest. She felt like she couldn’t breathe. That house was her safe haven. She’d missed it almost as much as she had missed her brothers. She missed the house more than she had missed her father.

She went upstairs, stomping up the stairs past Lisa, and grabbed her blue notebook. 

 _They fucking moved,_ she scrawled, her hand trembling. She didn’t bother dating the entry; there was too much pain inside of her for her to even think about something as trivial as that. _They moved without me and they didn’t tell me. I am SO MAD. My heart is beating all wrong and it’s like there’s a weight on my chest._

“Zee? You okay?” Lisa asked, coming into the room. She watched Zoey frantically scribbling for a moment and then decided to let her be. “I’m downstairs if you need me, okay?” she offered. “I love you.”

Zoey felt bad, but she couldn’t help herself. It was too much. She couldn’t force herself to snap out of this.

_I went to the house to get my stuff and some guy came to the door. He was smoking and wearing this dumb shirt and he didn’t even have pants on and he said my mom wasn’t there and that they moved in during the winter. Jay and Nate moved while I was gone. They moved without me._

_I know it sounds dumb but we fucking LOVED that house. It was perfect so I don’t know why the fuck they would leave. It was this anomaly cause it had three bedrooms but only one bathroom and I swear it’s got to be the only house like that in all of California._

All of a sudden, Zoey was crying. She was never going to get to sleep in her bedroom again. She wouldn't have the wall next to Nate's to tap on in the middle of the night. The floor she'd been raped on was taken away from her, but so was the rest of it. That house meant sanctuary. That house meant _family_. Late nights on the couch waiting up for Jay, 80s movie marathons with all three of them squished onto Nate's bed, having "slumber parties" on the floor of the living room just because they finally had enough space... She reached for her phone and dialed Lisa, who picked up almost immediately. She must have been able to hear Zoey’s quiet sobs over the line, because she immediately came up the stairs. 

“Hey,” Lisa murmured as walked in. She sat down on the edge of the bed next to where Zoey had been sitting to write. 

Zoey leaned into her shoulder and let herself cry. It was more than crying, though; she was grieving for the house. 

“What’s wrong, huh?” Lisa asked, wrapping a comforting arm around her. 

Zoey put down the pencil and passed Lisa the notebook with no explanation. She had no idea whether her writing was even legible, but it was all she could manage to do. 

After a moment of staring at the scribbles and deciphering them, the older girl said sadly, “Oh, you found out about the house? Honey, I’m so fucking sorry. Nate was really upset, too.” 

Zoey sniffed and sat up. She took the notebook back and picked up her pencil. _Jay tried to explain it to me but I got so mad I just left,_ she wrote. 

Lisa nodded. “I would have been really mad, too.”

_It was my home._

 

* * *

 

After Zoey cooled down a little, Lisa texted Jay to let him know what was going on. He came over without Nate and sat down in the kitchen across from his little sister. She stared at the table as he spoke.

“When you left,” he said, “I think all of us got a little lost.” He fell quiet again for a moment. Then he softly cleared his throat and continued, “We were afraid of why you left. We were worried about what was happening to you and where the fuck you were. We also had no fucking idea whether or not you were coming back. We always hoped… but we were too scared to assume that you were. We were also too scared to assume that you weren’t. So…” He sighed. “When Mom suggested – well, _insisted –_ we move, it seemed like… the right thing to do, I guess. I thought she knew better than me and Nate did.” 

 _Mom?_ Zoey thought. _Of fucking course._ _She ruins everything._

“But Nate really fucking fought me on it. Because of you, actually. He always said you were coming back. I knew he wasn’t really sure, but I think he fucking had to believe it, you know? I don't know how he could have kept going otherwise. Hey, did you see his new tattoo?"

Zoey nodded.

"I thought that was pretty fucking sweet. But yeah, like I was saying - he wanted to make sure your room was there and that there was space for you if - _when_ \- you got home.” 

Jay hung his head.

Zoey waited as patiently as she could for him to continue.

“The new house only has two bedrooms,” he said slowly. “One for mom, and I made Nate take the other one.” 

Zoey knew her face was showing a mix of shock and anger, but she couldn’t help herself. She knew exactly where this was going.

“I’ve been sleeping on the couch. We’ve only been there a few months, so it’s not that bad, but… I mean, it’s not great either. And that’s why…” He sighed again. “That’s why we’ve all been at Dad’s this week. I mean, yeah, Mom was part of the reason; I know you’re not ready to be back with her right now, and Nate’s definitely enjoying his time away from her.” He snorted softly to himself. “But he’s been staying here sometimes anyway because he fucking wants me to sleep in a bed, and he knows I’ll sleep in his room if he’s gone.” 

Zoey shook her head. _F U C K   T H E   N E W   H O U S E_ , she signed, glad Jay couldn’t understand it.

He smiled sadly at her. “I don’t know what that means, monkey.”

She nodded knowingly. _So there’s nowhere for me to sleep?_ she wanted to ask, but Jay wasn't done.

“Nate pushed so fucking hard for me to stay in that house. He kept asking what were we gonna do if you came back to the house to find us and we weren’t there… you know, he wouldn’t even fucking help me move. Made me pack up your entire room and mine alone. You know how he is.” He shook his head. “But whatever, it’s done now. I’m sorry you had to find out like that. I just didn’t know when was going to be the right time to tell you.”

She shrugged dejectedly.

“So if you wanna stay here at Dad’s with Nate like you’ve been doing, that’s totally fucking fine. I can stay too, or not stay… it’ll probably depend on the day like it already has been. I like being here with you and Nate, though. I missed you.”

She nodded. 

He looked at her tiredly. “You’re not talking anymore?” he prompted. 

She shook her head and tried to speak. Again, nothing came out.

“It comes and goes, huh?”

She nodded. 

“Well, we’ll work on it. Therapy helped, though, right?” 

She nodded. And truth be told, she thought that writing in that little journal had helped, too. Even just stupid stuff, because it was finally coming out of her. Nothing had made its way out in so long in any way, verbally or otherwise. Maybe Sam was right; maybe she couldn’t keep all her thoughts bottled up forever. Just because she hadn’t snapped yet didn’t mean she wasn’t going to. 

“Good. I think that’s gonna be real fucking good for you.”

Zoey agreed. 

“Well… you want a snack? Free food,” he said, motioning to Dad’s refrigerator. 

She smiled a little and shook her head.

“Okay, well I do. I’m gonna make a sandwich with every fucking condiment and kind of meat and cheese I can find, and then what do you say we watch some TV?”

That was his way of seeing whether or not she forgave him. She thought for a moment and then nodded. It’s not like she finally came home only to get pissed at him all over again and hold a grudge. Like he said, he’d only been doing what seemed right at the time. 

“Cool,” Jay grinned. 

Zoey motioned upstairs and then went to grab her notebook. She brought it down to the coffee table and continued writing – much more neatly – in her notebook. 

_Okay. So I talked to Jay. Things make a little more sense now. I’m not happy about it but I guess I feel a little better about it.  
_ _My voice came back cause I was so shocked when the guy answered the door but it’s gone again now. I don’t know why. That part is frustrating._ _But Jay and I aren’t in a fight. We’re actually going to watch tv now which will be nice. I haven’t gotten to hang out with him by myself since I got back._

“You ready?” Jay asked, coming in with a plate and a large cup filled to the brim with soda.

She held up one finger and kept writing. 

_Lisa helped me when I was upset. (That’s my dad’s girlfriend, the lady that called you). She’s going to have a baby soon and we’re all excited about it. That was definitely the biggest surprise when I got back. Well, except for the move. But I’m going to have a half-brother! I can’t wait. I love kids. I think I’ll be a good big sister. I got a lot of practice at the shelter.  
_ _After Jay and I watch tv I want to start sorting my things and send some to the shelter and start the clothing drive. I’m hoping I can bring some stuff down to the gym so people can see it. Maybe if I put my own stuff there it’ll look like more people have donated than they actually have. Ellen used to do stuff like that at-_

“That’s from therapy, right? From Sam?” Jay inquired, watching her scratch her pencil over the paper.

She nodded.

“Is it helping?”

She nodded again.

“Looks like you have a lot to say. We should have gotten you one of those a long time ago.” 

Zoey shrugged and put the pencil down. Even though she’d been in the middle of the sentence, she felt bad about neglecting Jay. She shut the book. 

“You done?” he asked. “Don’t fucking stop on my account. It’s kinda cool seeing you like this.”

She punched him lightly on the shoulder and sat back on the couch, getting comfortable. Jay grabbed the remote off the coffee table and clicked through the channels. “Oh my fucking GOD,” he grinned, settling on a familiar family sitting at their old, wobbly kitchen table. 

 _“Yeah, Mom, we know,”_ the girl on the screen was saying. _“You’ve told us this story a million times. You felt sorry for him, so you decided to go with him to the Fish Under the Sea dance.”_

Jay joined in, putting on a funny accent. _“No, it was the Enchantment Under the Sea dance,”_ he quoted, barking a laugh. He turned to his sister. “Ugh, fuck yes. We haven’t watched this since before you left!”

Zoey smiled and kicked her feet up on the coffee table – good thing Alvey wasn’t home to see that.

Lorraine McFly finished talking, and then George burst into that horrible chuckle that had both Jay and Zoey smiling.

“Oh god, I love him,” Jay sighed. “Lemme text Nate and tell him to come over.” 

Zoey put her hand out and stopped him, though. She loved Nate, she really did, but she was aching for some one-on-one time with Jay. “Just you,” she whispered.

Jay looked at her and nodded. “Okay. Just us.” 

“Missed you,” she added.

He tucked her into his arm and squeezed. “I missed you too, kid.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a rockstar and I wrote a normal chapter this week :))))  
> Two concerts this week, and a concert and a music festival next week. I'll also be attending Nick's soundcheck, which I'm super SUPER excited about. Hope yall are doing okay <3  
> Enjoy the newest messes Zoey's gotten into. (Also: since people were clearly agitated about the lack of pre-written dialogue, I've gone back in time to 2x08 for this one. It's not a flashback; I'm just playing with the order of things.)

Jay’s phone buzzed on the table, signaling a text from Nate. Jay was in the kitchen chatting animatedly to Zoey about Alicia, the relatively new fighter in the gym, so Zoey tipped the phone towards her while she waited for him to come back to the sofa.

 _More bills got here,_ Nate had written. _There’s no way we’ll be able to afford them by Friday. Maybe we ca…_  

That was all that the preview allowed her to see. She quickly slid the phone back and sat back on Dad’s couch as Jay returned. Fuck. 

“…but she’s a little firecracker, so you gotta fucking watch out. You better never piss that girl off, cause she’ll say fucking anything to get one up on you. But Ryan seems to really like her. They fuck a lot, but they also fight a lot, too, so nobody really knows what’s going on. I don’t even think _they_ do.”

Zoey nodded. Jay handed her a ham and cheese sandwich, which she took a grateful bite of.

She wanted to help with the bills, but how? She wasn’t ready to get a job yet… she couldn’t regularly speak, which was kind of part of having a job. She’d always figured she’d spend a summer working in the arcade or a t-shirt shop on the boardwalk, but life happened and it didn’t exactly work out. But she was older now, and she wanted to contribute somehow.

She thought back to the money she’d made in Arizona. It wasn’t fun, but it was a lot very quickly. If she took a step up from blowjobs and did actual sex, she could charge more. WAY more. These stupid tourists would pay anything. Fuck. She was going to do it. That’s what she was good for, after all. 

An hour more with Jay and then she found herself putting on a skimpy dress and heading down to the beach.

Almost immediately, a cute guy came up to her. He was maybe a little older than her, clad in red swim trunks and a black snapback. Luck was in her favor, because her voice decided to come out. A few minutes after, he worked out that she was offering to sell him her body, and he eagerly agreed. They went back to a hotel a few blocks away, and within an hour, she’d made a hundred and fifty bucks. It actually felt good that time. He was so nice to her and she’d been so pleasantly surprised with the experience that she blew him before she left for no extra charge. 

When it was over, he finally asked her the question that most people would have asked at the beginning. “What’s your name?” 

She leaned forward, gently spit the semen out of her mouth, and grinned at him. “Christina,” she said, cum still dripping down her chin.

 

* * *

 

By the end of the week, she’d seen him three more times. Carson, his name was. He was from Nevada and was on vacation with his family. They were filthy rich.

He was the youngest sibling just like her, and he explained that it had been a bit of a struggle to get the whole group together since there had been a mix of college schedules and taking time off jobs, but it worked out in the end. He had two older brothers and one older sister. His dad was in the oil business, which was why they had so much money, and he’d divorced Carson’s mom to marry his sugar baby.

Zoey listened, genuinely interested. It had been a long time since she’d had a friend, and it had been nice to hear about someone else that had family drama. He told her about the yachts they took out after dinner and the massive fire that he and his brother had accidentally set on one of the private beaches. Whoops. 

Zoey made six hundred dollars in four days from just one sweet guy. This could definitely be something she could keep up. So long as she didn't get a pimp like her mom did, this could be really good for her. She would be in control, making all the decisions. She could have  _money._  

On Thursday afternoon, she spent an hour in bed with Carson before his family flew home to Nevada. They fucked half the time and chatted the other half, and then she made her way back to Dad’s. She dropped five of the six hundred dollars on the kitchen counter for Jay. 

“What the fuck is this?” Jay asked, eyebrows shooting up. 

Zoey shrugged and disappeared upstairs into her room. 

“Zoey Grace! Where the fuck did you get this?”

She clicked the lock on the door and stepped into the shower. Carson was going home that day, but he’d told his friends about her, some of them locals he’d met while he was hanging out on the beach. She’d already switched her messages to come up as private on her phone; she never knew what these guys were going to say to her. She figured that out quickly.

When Zoey got out of the shower, it was mere minutes before Jay was knocking on her door. “Zee, what the hell? You need to come out here and fucking talk to me.”

She cracked the door open and tapped her throat, acting like she couldn’t talk. Oh, she was terrible. Her voice had been cooperating all day.

“I don’t give a fuck. Where did the money come from?” he demanded.

She gave him a smile and started to close the door, but he stuck his foot in the way. 

“If you’re sucking dicks again, I’m gonna kill you,” he threatened.

She shook her head innocently and shut the door.

Jay leaned against the wall. “Fuck,” he hissed.

 

* * *

 

“So, how’s the journaling been going?” Sam asked the next morning. 

Zoey nodded. 

“Good?” 

 _Yes,_ she wrote on the iPad. She pressed the green button to send the word to Sam. Then she added, _I wrote something like every other day._

“That’s great, Zee. I’m glad. You look a lot better this week.”

She silently huffed a laugh. _I’ve had some time to adjust._  

“To being back at home?”

Nod.

“How’s that going?”

_Okay. I’ve spent most of my time with Nate._

“He’s your middle brother, right?”

_Yeah. He’s 22. Jay’s the oldest and then Nate and then me._

“That’s good right? Being with Nate, I mean.” At her nod, he prompted, “So what _didn’t_ go so well?” 

Zoey took a calming breath and started to slowly type.

_My dad and Jay live in two different houses, remember?_

“I do, yes.” 

_Okay, so when I got home they were only letting me stay at my dad’s. Which was fine because I didn’t want to see my mom, but the longer I was there, the more I wanted to go back to Jay’s. That’s where I really feel at home, you know? But every time I brought it up they got weird.  
Turns out my insane mom wanted them to move to a new house. It’s only two bedrooms so Jay can’t even sleep in a fucking bed. He’s been staying on the couch._

Sam furrowed his brow. “Hm.”

Zoey shrugged, her frustration written across her face. _It’s whatever. I was really upset at first but I’m okay now. Jay seems okay with it and that's what matters to me._

He nodded in understanding. “So… the journaling’s going well for you, and you’re transitioning back into being with your family. How are you doing with your self-worth?”

Zoey blinked at him.

He gave her a crooked smile and said, “You seem like you don’t have too much respect for yourself.” 

Zoey thought briefly back to this past week with Carson. Now that she thought about it, Sam was probably right.

_It’s fine._

Sam nodded absently and jotted something on his notepad. She didn’t bother trying to see what it was.

“And your voice?” he asked.

_It works sometimes. Mostly it doesn’t but there are moments when I try to talk and it just comes out._

“That’s so great, Zee,” Sam said. He looked happy. "That's huge."

She shrugged.

"It's a process," he reminded. "You're moving quickly as it is."

That much she could agree with.

"And the more you work through what happened to you, the easier it will be to speak. You're doing great." 

She tipped her head sideways. _You think my voice is working because I'm talking about what he did to me?_

"I know it is," Sam affirmed. "You're not having to work so hard to cope by silence because you're coping in other ways now. You're talking to me, and you're writing your feelings out. Maybe you're doing other things that are helping too, like spending time with Nate. There are many different ways of healing, and it's different for everyone. But you told me that your mutism started when you ran away. You isolated yourself. You're not doing that anymore, Zee. That's good."

Zoey nodded slowly, thinking.  _I haven't cut myself in four days,_ she confessed.

"You engage in self-harm," Sam stated, staring at the iPad. He looked up at her. "You didn't tell me that before."

_I didn't want to._

"That's understandable. What changed?"

_Well. I think it was the journal actually._

"Really," he said curiously.

_When I found out about the house I confronted Jay. And then I went home and normally I would have cut myself but all I wanted to do was write it down. I didn't even think about my scissors I just had to get it out of me. You were right._

Sam smiled. "Zee. That's incredible."

She looked away. 

"I'm serious! That's a huge deal. Huge. You should be proud of yourself." 

She nodded a little. Maybe she was. 

 

* * *

 

“Zee, I need to talk to you,” Lisa said, smiling ruefully.

Zoey got up from where she was watching Joe Daddy teach a kids' class and followed her into her office. When they got inside, though, it was unrecognizable. All the posters were down off the wall, the framed photo of Nate was gone, and her wall calendar was missing. 

“There’s been some stuff going on,” Lisa said, drawing her attention back from the empty space. “I know you’ve picked up on at least a little of it, but it’s been so busy… I haven’t been quite sure when to talk to you. This is…” Lisa looked away and then looked back. 

Zoey shifted nervously.

“Look, I don’t know if Nate or Jay talked to you about me going…?” 

Going? Where was she going? Zoey shook her head.

Lisa blew out a breath. “Okay, um. Well, you know things haven’t been going so well between me and your dad.”

Zoey nodded.

“Well, because of that, I’m moving back to San Francisco for a while to be with my family. I’m going to have the baby there.” At Zoey’s shocked and upset face, she added, “I know it seems sudden, but this is something I’ve been thinking about for a fucking long time. Since before you came back. Actually, I stayed almost a week longer than I was planning to because you came home. But Nate’s out packing my car for me right now.”

Zoey’s eyes widened. _Now?!_ _No,_ she wanted to beg, _please don’t go._ But her voice wouldn’t come out.

“I know,” Lisa said apologetically. “I didn’t want to tell you, so I just kept putting it off, and now…”

Zoey nodded again, trying to be understanding. She knew Alvey was a pain, and Lisa wasn’t family – she didn’t have to stay. But Zoey had really thought that they could be together forever, especially with the promise of the baby. Disappointment was a massive understatement. And not only were Lisa and Alvey separating, but Lisa was _leaving_ her _._  

Zoey looked down at the ground. 

“I’m really sorry,” Lisa murmured.

Zoey followed Lisa out of the office and through the gym to the parking lot where Nate stood, waiting. He gave Zoey a tight smile and then said to Lisa, “It’s all in there.” 

“Thanks,” she replied. They both reached up to shut the trunk together. She turned to him. “This is fucking weird.”

“It’s super weird,” Nate agreed, tucking his hands in his sweatshirt pocket. “I don’t like it.”

Lisa sighed softly, taking in the two Kulinas standing together. She’d started to think of them as this mix between her siblings and her children, and now she had to leave them both behind. If it weren’t for Alvey, she could stay. She could have stayed with his kids and let _them_ be her family. God knew Jay would have taken care of her if she’d let him, would have welcomed her happily with open arms and an inappropriate joke. Oh, she loved all three of them.

“Hey, I got you something,” Nate said before anyone could get upset. He dug in his pocket and grabbed a small, black box. It was the size and shape of a mouth guard case.

Lisa took it curiously, and Nate looked away awkwardly as she opened it. Nestled inside was a hot pink mouth guard; Lisa lifted it and read it out loud with a smile. “’Mama.’”

Nate shrugged.

“I love it,” she told him genuinely, hugging it to her chest. “Thank you.” She shut the box. “We’re gonna talk all the time cause you’re gonna have a ton of questions,” she said. 

“Yeah, I’ll try not to bother you too much,” he offered sheepishly. 

“You _better_ fucking bother me!” Lisa told him, giving him a shove for good measure. “I’ll miss you.”

They embraced, and Nate let himself rest his chin on her shoulder. “You, too,” he agreed.

She let go of Nate and looked at Zoey. “And you,” she said, curling a lock of Zoey’s hair back behind her ear.

Zoey shut her eyes and squeezed them tight as Lisa hugged her. 

“You call me whenever you want, alright? I’m always gonna be here for you.” 

Zoey nodded into her shoulder. She pulled back a little to kiss the older girl on the cheek.

“Yeah, I fucking love you, too,” Lisa murmured. 

As soon as the girls were separated, Nate stepped forward and opened the car door for Lisa. “You better go,” he said, not unkindly. “Traffic.” 

“Yeah.” And then – “Hey…”

“Yeah?” Nate asked.

“Can you…” It was clear Lisa was stalling, trying to think of something to say to make the moment last just a little bit longer. “Can you water my plants for me?”

“Every day,” Nate promised, wrapping a comforting arm around his little sister as he spoke. 

Lisa put her seatbelt on and started her car. She gave the twins a small wave and tried not to watch as Zoey turned her face into Nate’s chest.

“Shh,” he whispered.

Lisa couldn’t help the tears of her own that escaped her eyes as she drove down Market Street and toward the I-10.

 

* * *

 

Jay sat outside with a bowl full of Cheerios and milk. The picnic table was a little cramped in the much smaller yard of the new house, but Jay was mostly okay with it. He sat across from Christina as they flipped through pamphlets that advertised rehab centers nearby.

“Mmm. Now this one is deluxe,” Jay stated, holding up a brochure with a photo of the ocean on the front. He read slowly. “While based on a twelve step program, we offer a variety of evidence-based treatment modalities including – but not limited to – yoga and meditation, acupuncture, art therapy-“ 

“I don’t want art,” Christina breathed.

“Fuck art,” Jay declared. “Art’s off the list,” he smiled. “Dialectical behavioral therapy,” he continued, “very cutting-edge.”

“It sounds expensive. We can’t afford any of this,” Christina complained.

“We’re just… browsing.”

“But why? We’re broke! I don’t have insurance,” Christina hissed. 

Jay reached across the table and gently took her fingers in his own. “You’re not backing out of this. And we’ll find the money.”

Christina looked at him nervously, her chin wobbling as she tried to keep her composure.

“This is going to happen,” Jay soothed. He stroked his thumb over the back of her hand like he used to do for Nate and Zoey after they had a nightmare. “We’re not gonna live like this anymore.”

 

* * *

 

It was 3pm, and Nate was still passed the fuck out in his bed. Jay pushed his younger brother’s bedroom door open and crawled across the ground on his hands and knees. He whimpered softly, making sounds like a kitten as he moved. He climbed up on Nate’s bed and leaned up to lick Nate’s arm. He drew his tongue over his brother’s shoulder, and Nate yanked it away, shoving Jay off and blinking awake. 

“What the -?!”

“Wake up, sleepy head! We’re having a party.” 

“What, right now?” Nate asked, annoyed.

“Right fucking now,” Jay confirmed. “I mean, I imagine guests are arriving as I speak.” He unceremoniously drew back the curtains. “Indeed. Why don't you power up, pal? Get some fluids in there. Ah!” He took a long drink and then passed Nate the bottle of rum. “Upsy-daisy. That's my fucking brother, dude,” he grinned as Nate took a pull.

As soon as Jay’s back was turned, the younger boy winced at the taste.

Jay dug swim trunks out of Nate’s bottom drawer and threw them at him. “Here, toss on these shorts. And then, later, when we're cooked to fucking perfection, we can go see the Black House fights, to which your presence has been personally requested.” He smacked his lips. “Oh, and uh. Zee’s coming over. So just, be ready for that, I guess.”

“What?” Nate asked. “Why?”

Jay shrugged. “Ryan said something to her about the party. She said she wants to fucking come, which is weird as hell. But I figure it’s about fucking time she should see the house.”

Nate shrugged in agreement and sighed as Jay left the room. He hoped there was cocaine.

 

* * *

 

Zoey showed up at the front door a few hours later and actually knocked.

“It’s open!” she heard Nate call, but she waited until he actually came and opened it. It didn’t feel right to just walk in.

“Oh, hey,” he greeted. He seemed a little nervous to see her.

She nodded at him and stepped curiously into the house. _It’s little_ , she wanted to say, but her voice hadn’t been working, so she didn’t bother to try. It was definitely a step down from the (amazing wonderful perfect) home they’d lived in before, but she assumed the rent was lower, which she knew was better for Nate’s stress levels. God knew Jay didn’t give a fuck about his credit score. 

“You want the tour?” Nate asked. He scoffed a little to himself. “It’s really fucking small. I mean, there’s not even much of a tour to take, but…”

She nodded anyway. She wanted to see where they’d been living while she’d been gone. All the time she was away, she’d kept picturing them in their house – the _old_ house, she figured she should call it now. She kind of thought as long as Jay didn’t get them evicted, they’d be there forever. 

“Okay, cool. Here; uh, this is the living room, obviously. That’s where Jay sleeps,” Nate added casually, motioning to the couch. “And this is the kitchen.” He led her into a teeny kitchen barely big enough for both of them to stand in.

She pursed her lips and looked at him, clearly upset.

“I know,” he said, shrugging lightly. “It’s… you get used to it, I guess. Uh, here, my room’s through here.” She followed him to a room with blue walls. Nate’s bed took up the entire room – literally. His dresser was crammed into a corner with just enough space for the drawers to be opened, but other than that, the bed was all that fit. There were some clothes and shoes that lay discarded on the floor, and he’d put up some of the posters from his old room. Zoey felt better about that.

She gave him an approving smile. Then she peeked out back to where Jay and his friends were.

“You wanna go outside?” Nate asked. 

She shrugged and then nodded. 

“Alright, come on.” 

They walked together out into the backyard. There was a pool, and it was truly a good size. And the yard was fenced in, which was good as well. Jay had set up some music, and there was a table of topless girls sitting around Mac, who was dealing out drugs to them.

“Yeah! Fuck yeah, man!” Ryan cried as they walked out. He was grinning, clearly high as a kite. “Come here, man,” he said to Nate, pulling him into an embrace. “Come here, big babe.”

Zoey snorted a laugh, but all that did was catch Ryan’s attention.

“Aw, Little Zee, my baby girlll,” he grinned, tugging her into a hug with his other arm. She made a face as he squashed her against his sweaty chest. “Oh, I fucking love you two, you know that? I watched you guys grow up. I fucking love you. How the fuck are you? Where you been?” 

“Chillin’,” Nate answered. “We’re good. We’re great,” he muttered, pushing his brother’s best friend off of him. “Get – let go,” he said, tugging Ryan’s arm off of Zoey. 

Ryan just laughed. 

“What’s up, Keith,” Nate said, bumping the larger man's fist with his own.

“Hey- hey, Nate,” Keith smiled, looking excited to be acknowledged. “Hi, Zoey.”

She smiled back and gave him a wave. 

“Get these kids some drinks, will you?” Ryan said to Keith, giving him a solid punch on the shoulder.

“Ah, that didn’t take long, Jay,” Nate called. 

There was a girl nestled between the oldest Kulina sibling’s legs, and the younger two watched as she untied her thin bikini top and let it fall into her lap. She settled back against Jay, and he slid his hands over her breasts. “Sex, weights, and protein shakes, young ones,” he crowed at his little siblings. 

They both rolled their eyes in perfect sync. 

“Hey, what’s – what’s – what about you, man, what’s up?” Ryan asked, smacking Nate on the shoulder. He was overexcited and speaking too quickly, and Nate was a little nervous, but Zoey felt comfortable; this was the Ryan she knew as a kid. “You taking some time off?”

“Yeah. I had to see what’s good. I’m not really sure what my options are right now.”

“That’s good,” Ryan said. “Hey, take it easy, man. _Hey._ Look at me.” 

Nate obliged, and Ryan knocked his shot glass hard into the younger man’s.

“Give the body a rest, okay? That’s right.”

Nate and Zoey clinked glasses. “Salute,” he muttered to her in Italian. She smiled and raised her glass a little as if to toast him back. Then they poured the alcohol down their throats together. 

They took a few more shots and then Nate looked at his sister. “Hey, you wanna go down to the pier? Get an ice cream cone?” 

She nodded.

“Alright, cool.” He turned to Ryan. “Hey, we’re going down to the beach.”

“The beach!” Ryan cheered. “The fucking beach! Fuck yeah, man! Oh god, I love the beach.”

Nate would have sworn that Ryan Wheeler had never been so excited about anything in his life. He chuckled a little in spite of himself. Then he said to Zoey, “Let me grab some coke and we’ll go, okay?” 

She nodded, watching as he went over to the table Mac was watching. He pocketed a white baggie and came back to her.

He bumped her shoulder into hers, and she smiled up at him. It was that blinding smile he’d missed all those months. Every time he missed her at night, it was that smile he saw, with light in her eyes and complete faith in him. God, he’d missed that kid so much. He smiled back. “Come on.” 

Twenty minutes later found the youngest Kulinas sitting in their spot on the dunes with their favorite vanilla ice cream. The ocean roared loudly in Zoey’s ears, making Nate’s silence – and especially her own silence – seem even quieter.

Zoey laid her head on Nate’s shoulder and stared at the cloudless blue sky. There had always been clouds in Arizona.

“You okay?” Nate asked. He softly cleared his throat.

She swallowed and tested out her voice. “Yeah.” It was gravelly and barely more than a whisper, but it made Nate smile, so at least there was that.

“Your ice cream’s dripping,” he pointed out.

She shrugged. Sticky fingers weren’t a big deal, not anymore. She popped the last of the cone in her mouth.

“You know, when we were here last year, you told me you wanted to run away. And then you did.” 

Zoey looked away, chewing slowly.

“Anything else I should know?” he asked, but he wasn’t being mean. He sounded concerned. 

She shook her head. 

“Really? Cause you told me once that you wanted to kill yourself.”

She swallowed nervously at the memory but didn’t comment.

 “Look, Zebra, you seem better, but you’re… you’re not okay.” He sighed. “Are you still cutting yourself?”

She wished she could crawl into a hole. This was supposed to be fun, not an interrogation.

“I know,” he exhaled, even though she hadn’t said anything. “I’m sorry, just. I’m fucking worried about you.”

She cleared her throat twice and then whispered, “I’m okay.”

Nate nodded at her. He knew better than to believe her, but he let it drop regardless. They’d been through enough.

 

* * *

 

Several hours later, Zoey headed to the gym for the Black House sparring session. She wore a pair of athletic shorts, a soft tank-top, and her gray Navy Street hoodie. She was on the hunt for her brothers, and she was excited to finally meet Alicia.

“You guys, quiet down real quick, real quick,” Alvey called over the chatter. The fighters, coaches, and spectators fell silent. “I want to thank coach Kenny Johnson from Black House MMA for coming tonight.”

Everyone applauded. 

“A few things before we get started; there is no prize money obviously, and this will not go on your records. You all signed a waiver, so any damage that you inflict or is done to you is on your own. As agreed, Joe Daddy is gonna be officiating.” 

The Navy Street family cheered as Joe stood up.

“Yeah,” Alvey smiled. “Okay, we’re going to have three five-minute rounds. Amateurs _must_ wear headgear. Pros, you do whatever the hell you want to do. Uhhh… there are no decisions, so you must finish. Coach Kenny, you want to say anything?”

The other coach stepped up to where Alvey was standing. “Let's fight hard, be safe, and have a good time,” he said.

“Yeah, have fun,” Alvey agreed. “Welcome to Navy Street.” 

Zoey turned to Joe Daddy and hugged him for luck before he went in the cage. Then she hopped up from her chair and resumed looking for Nate and Jay. She shook her head as she saw Jay, Mac, and Keith following Ryan into the gym. What a lame posse. 

Alvey called Ryan away to talk to a sponsor, and the rest of the guys walked up to her. 

“You seen your brother around?” Jay asked, giving her a hug. "The young philosopher king?"

She shook her head.

“Alright, we’ll find him later. Come on. I want you to meet Miss Mendez.”

Jay led Zoey back to the locker room. He knocked three times on the metal door.

“What?” Alicia called. 

“It’s Jay! I got somebody I want you to meet!” he yelled back. 

She slid the door open and smiled when she saw the youngest member of the Kulina family. “Hey! Zoey, right?” she asked. 

Zoey nodded, a little bit pleased that Alicia already knew her name. 

“I’m Alicia Mendez.”

“She knows,” Jay supplied. “She, uh. She can’t talk right now, but she was really excited to hear that there was a girl making waves around here.”

“Do you fight?” Alicia asked her.

Zoey shook her head. 

“Naw, she’s just a big fucking MMA fan,” Jay grinned, giving her an affectionate noogie.

Zoey pushed him off of her and ran a hand over her hair.

“This is your big brother, huh?” Alicia inquired, motioning to Jay. 

Zoey rolled her eyes a little but smiled as she nodded. 

“And Nate, too, then. Dude, that’s got to be a fucking handful.”

"Excuse me, Miss Mendez, but Nate and I are absolutely fucking delightful," Jay stated.

Alicia chuckled.

“Alicia, what the fuck are you doing?” Alvey called. “Stop talking to my kids and go get ready.”

“Sorry! My bad,” Jay cut in before Alicia could say anything. He turned to his sister. “Come on, let’s go get seats.” Then back to Alicia as he pulled Zoey away, “I’m sure if she could talk, she’d say it was nice meeting you!” Zoey whacked him.

"Nice to meet you, Zoey," Alicia smiled as she shut the door.

 

* * *

 

Ninety minutes later, Zoey was squished in a mob between Ryan, Jay, and Nate because Alicia had won. Everyone was chanting and cheering, but Zoey felt uneasy.

She took a few steps away from the crowd and glanced around the gym; someone new had walked in and was standing near the entry. He wasn’t looking at her, but her blood ran cold anyway. 

She darted around the Navy Street family, her breath caught in her throat. She made it to Lisa’s old office and slammed the door behind her, locking it firmly and then checking it twice.

She sank down on the couch and pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes. 

Clint Walker was here.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sunday I saw Jon Bellion.  
> Monday I worked all day.  
> Tuesday I met Nick Jonas and Demi Lovato. I told him I'm the girl that writes the long Kingdom fanfiction, and he laughed and he looked so happy when I brought up Kingdom. They were so sweet and it was incredible.  
> Wednesday I got to go to Nick's soundcheck and see the first night of the Future Now tour.   
> Thursday I spent all day in 99 degree heat at Warped Tour.  
> Friday my brother and I went to see Frank Grillo in The Purge 3 (my brother's first R movie in the theater!)  
> So it's been busy haha.

Zoey wasn’t sure how much time had passed before there was a knock on the office door. It could have been seconds or minutes, but either way, she about jumped out of her skin in response to it. 

“It’s me,” a voice came through the glass. “Zebra, let me in.”

Zoey stayed still on the sofa, her legs drawn tightly to her chest as she focused on breathing. She didn’t want to go to the door; what if Nate wasn’t alone?

“Come on, let me in,” he urged.

Zoey shook her head even though all the curtains were pulled, which meant Nate couldn’t see her. She squeezed her eyes shut and buried her face in her knees. She wanted to be alone to process, to breathe, to quake without anyone judging her. 

She gave her surroundings a quick assessment. The door was locked from the inside, which was good – Walker couldn’t get in that way. But there was lots of glass. What if he broke the glass to get to her? What if he’d seen her come in? Fuck.

Zoey clapped a hand over her mouth to silence her loud breathing. She was practically hyperventilating out of fear. She scrambled off the couch and onto the floor, crawling under Lisa’s desk. 

“Zoey,” Nate said, knocking harder. “What the fuck is wrong? You’re freaking me out.” There was a pause and then he decided, “I’m getting Jay. I’ll be right back.” 

 _No no no…_  

She tried to focus on her breath. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt this much fear, which didn’t help her feel like she could make it through the panic and out the other side to normalcy. She bit into her kneecap to focus. She had to quiet her breathing, she just had to.

She was starting to grow lightheaded and nauseous, a combination of the effects of the stress and the shortness of breath. She shut her eyes and tried to make herself as small as possible. 

Her hands shook at the sound of a key in the lock a minute or two later.

“Zee, you in here?” Jay asked as he opened the door. “It’s your big brother. I’m coming in.” 

She pressed her trembling hand tighter over her mouth and squeezed her eyes shut. Oh god, oh god. He was going to find her like this. He was going to find her and then he was going to figure out what happened and then he was going to set the fucking gym on fire. 

“Zoey? Hey. Are you under there?” He got down on his hands and knees and made his way under the desk with her. “Monkey, hey. What the fuck is going on, huh?” 

The door clicked shut and there was the sound of shuffling feet – that was Nate. She’d know her brothers’ footsteps anywhere. 

“Lock it,” she gasped. 

“What?” Jay asked. 

“The door, lock the door,” she implored, her voice barely coming out. 

“Nate, you hear that?” Jay asked, not taking his eyes off his sister.

“Yeah. On it.”

The lock slotted into place, but Zoey still couldn’t calm down.

“What the fuck happened, huh?” Jay asked gently, cupping her face in his hands. 

She shook her head and looked at him with terrified eyes.

“You’re fucking scaring me,” he admitted softly.

Nate sat on the floor by Jay and watched as his little sister trembled under the desk.

“Zoey, you were fine. You were fucking _fine_ before. What happened?” Jay pressed. 

“We can’t help you if we don’t know what’s wrong,” Nate murmured.

Zoey’s face crumbled and she buried her face in her knees again, panicked sobs forcing their way out.

“There it is,” Jay murmured, reaching for her, but she shoved his hands away. 

“He’s here,” she hissed, her eyes wild. 

Jay sat back and swallowed. “Who’s here?” he asked darkly.

“You know,” she whispered.

“Where,” Jay said. “Fucking tell me where. I’ll fucking destroy him.”

Zoey shook her head hard. “I can’t, I can’t. He said he’s gonna kill Nate if I tell, and he wasn’t lying.”

“What?” Jay demanded. 

“I can’t,” Zoey repeated. A tear escaped down her cheek, but she smudged it away with the heel of her hand. 

“Zoey,” Jay said in his dangerously low big brother voice. “Tell me who the fuck it is.”

She shut her eyes. She wanted so badly to tell, but she knew better. She couldn’t have Nate getting hurt.

“He’s never gonna come near you again. I’ll rip his fucking lungs out. Just fucking let me at him, just-”

“Jay,” Nate interrupted. “Fucking stop it. Now’s not the time.” 

Jay got to his feet, wasting no time smashing the glass of the trophy case. 

Zoey flinched hard and burst into tears. 

Nate wordlessly slid forward and pulled her into a tight hug. She buried her eyes in his shoulder and whispered, “Please, please, please…” 

It was like she couldn’t shut her mouth – the words just kept coming.

“Please, Nate, please. I can’t. Please…”

Her entire body shook as she tried to force air into her lungs, and he just held her, strong and silent.

“Nate,” she begged. “Please. Please help me. Please help me. I can’t do it. Please, please...”

“Shh...” he murmured. He sounded scared. He’d never seen Zoey cry like this before. She looked out of control and absolutely petrified.

Jay smashed more glass and gave a hard punch to one of the cement walls. Once his hand was bleeding, he came back over. “Zee,” he said, crouching down next to her and putting a hand on one of her shoulders. “Fucking tell me who it is and I will end him. I swear to you. He’ll never hurt you again.” 

She shook her head. “I can’t, I can’t,” she gasped. 

“Jay, she needs help,” Nate said. Her breathing was ragged and shallow, and he could tell she wasn’t thinking straight. He didn’t know how the hell to fix this. “Go get somebody.”

“No,” Zoey pleaded. “No, no, don’t let him come in.”

“I won’t,” Jay promised. He stood at the door and cracked it open, yelling for Mac. 

The redhead came jogging over, and Jay locked the door right behind him. 

“What the fuck is going on in here?” Mac asked. “Why’s she crying? And what the fuck happened to your hand?” 

“My hand is fucking fine, Mac,” Jay said flatly, but his eyes were crazed. “Can you fucking help my fucking little sister please?” 

“Yeah, okay,” Mac bumbled, getting onto the floor with Nate.

“I think she’s having a fucking anxiety attack,” Nate said. “She’s freaking the fuck out.” 

“Zee, you’re safe,” Mac said softly.

She shook her head. “I’m not, I’m not,” she babbled. “We’re not safe, nobody’s safe. He’s gonna hurt us.”

Mac’s eyebrows creased in concern. “Who’s gonna hurt you?”

Zoey just dug her nails harder into Nate’s arms and tried to catch her breath. “Please,” she begged again. She shuddered. 

Nate shook his head helplessly at Mac. “I don’t know what to do,” he confessed brokenly. 

“Zee, listen to me,” Mac instructed calmly. “We need to get out from under the desk, okay? Come on. Let’s go sit on the couch, alright?” 

“I can’t, I can’t,” she sobbed breathlessly, but Nate stood up and pulled her with him.

“You can do it, Zebra. Come on. I got you.” 

Jay was watching from off to the side, clenching his fists and looking like he might actually vomit. Or snap someone’s neck. Or both.

Once Zoey was on the sofa, Mac knelt in front of her to talk to her. “Can you feel your feet on the floor?” he asked her. 

She nodded, still crying.

“Good, good. Can you feel Nate’s arm around you?” 

“Y-yeah." 

“Okay, good. You’re doing fucking great, Zee. I just want you to breathe, okay? Try to relax.” 

“I wanna go home,” she whispered, but the sound dropped out halfway through. She grabbed her throat before she could stop herself and started crying harder. The house was gone, her voice was gone, her friends from Reunited were gone, Lisa was gone, and now Clint Walker was there – _right_ fucking there. She was in pain. She was terrified. 

Needing to ground herself, she yanked her sweatshirt sleeve up and dug her nails mercilessly into her wrist.

“No,” Mac and Nate said at the same time, both of them reaching for her. 

They were too slow, though; in just a fraction of a second, she’d reopened one of the deeper cuts. Nate gripped her hands tightly in his own so she couldn’t inflict any more damage, and Jay made his way right up to his sister and sat down next to her. He wrapped her in a bear hug, pressing her to his chest and rocked her slowly back and forth. “Not gonna let anybody hurt you,” he promised. “Not one motherfucker. Never again, you hear me? Nobody’s gonna hurt you ever again. They won't even get fucking near you.” 

God help her, she didn’t believe him. He was her hero, her protector, always had been. But this time, she knew he couldn’t fix everything. It was too fucked up.

Mac was back at her wrist, pressing tissues onto the blood, but she didn’t feel any pain.

She shut her eyes and whispered silently into Jay’s shoulder, “I want to die.”

 

* * *

 

The siblings waited in the sanctuary of the office until the entire gym had cleared out, and then Jay and Nate walked Zoey to the parking lot. They stood guard beside her, flanking her closely as they walked to Nate’s car. Zoey grasped their hands hard and kept glancing around, but there was no one to be seen. The parking lot was empty, and the Kulinas all made it into Nate’s secondhand, banged-up, blue car in one piece. 

Nate drove back to the new house. They were quiet on the way home, and none of them were ready to go to sleep after what had happened, so Jay poured them all drinks. They sat on the couch together watching reruns of Bob’s Burgers until Zoey started drifting off on the arm of the sofa.

“Zebra, go sleep in my room,” Nate told her.

She shook her head. 

“I’ll go with you,” he offered.

“Yeah, Zee, you should get some rest,” Jay agreed. “You had a fucking stressful day.” 

She snorted and turned away from them. 

“If you don’t want to go because you think it’s a fucking secret how you sleep on the floor every fucking night,” Jay said softly,” we already know.”

She turned to them, slightly shocked.

Jay shrugged lightly. “You told me not to check on you, but I couldn’t help it.” 

“Let’s go,” Nate said. “You can borrow one of our shirts to sleep in.”

“Yeah," Jay seconded.

Zoey looked at her brothers and, after a long moment, nodded. She _was_ pretty tired if she was being honest. 

She got up and followed Nate to his room. Jay helped them move Nate’s bed so there was a little more floor space, and then he went back to the sofa to keep watching the mindless cartoon. 

Zoey thought the floor smelled mildly like sweaty socks, but she didn’t mind it. She’d spent too many years sharing a room with Nate not to be used to the little things like that. It was oddly comforting in its own way.

Jay could hear Nate mumbling to his little sister for a while before his room fell silent. When Christina got home from whatever the hell she’d been doing, her eyes landed on Nate on the bedroom floor. 

“Who is that?” she asked Jay. “Is Nate cheating on Kacey already?”

Jay eyed her. “No, he wouldn't do that. That’s Zee. She came over here tonight.” 

“Oh,” Christina replied. “Why are they sleeping like that?”

“Back to back?” he asked. “They always do that, ever since they were kids. The twins have always shared rooms, and sometimes beds, too, when money was especially tight. But-” 

“How do you know about that,” Christina demanded shakily.

Jay tilted his head. “About what?”

“The twins. You said ‘the twins.’” 

“Yeah?” he asked. “You’ve never heard me call them that?” 

“No, definitely not,” she snapped. Her face looked the same as when Jay showed up at the motel with the cell phone. She looked trapped. Caught. “Don’t ever say that again. Your father and I swore we’d never tell you. Leave it to Alvey…” 

Jay shifted. “Tell me what?”

“Wait,” she faltered, taking in his innocent eyes. “Are you talking about Nate and Zoey?” 

“Uh… yeah? Who else would I be talking about?” 

Christina gave him a long look. “Shit,” she whispered.

“Mom, tell me what?”

She looked down at the carpet and muttered, “Nate was supposed to be a twin.”

Jay’s mouth fell slightly open. 

“The doctors told me I was having boy and a girl. I was more than halfway through my pregnancy when one of the babies disappeared. The girl just vanished. That was… that was the worst thing I ever had to go through.” She swallowed. “My doctor had me come into the hospital for a night to make sure Nate was okay, and while I was there, I made your father return all the extra things we’d bought. Baby clothes and the double stroller and the extra crib... I knew I couldn’t bear to come home to that. It was…” She shook her head. “In some ways it was a relief, knowing there would only be one baby, but mostly I felt like I was being punished for something. I still don’t know what.”

“Mom,” Jay said darkly. “I’m _so_ sorry. I had no idea.” 

She looked to her son. “That’s why I didn’t want Zoey. I was – she’s not the baby l lost, and she never will be. I don’t even feel sorry for taking it out on her. I wanted to abort her, but your dad wouldn’t let me. Said this was our ‘second chance.’ You know how he is.”

Jay’s stomach was turning. 

Christina stared absently at the television for a moment before she stood up. She looked like a ghost. “I’m going to go lie down,” she said, her voice clipped.

“Okay. I love you,” Jay said.

Christina didn’t respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter was short, but I really enjoyed writing it. I've been waiting for both those things for a long time - Zoey needed that big breakdown. Sad that it had to happen that way, but she was holding way too much inside her. And Christina... I've had that secret ready since before I started writing This Too Shall Pass last year.   
> I'd love to hear what yall thought.
> 
> This may be the last chapter I write. I'm not sure yet - it depends on how today and tomorrow go. Love yall, and thank you for this ride. I've started to think of you as my supporters and friends <3  
> -KK


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A day late... wasn't sure if this week would see a chapter at all, but I managed to write this.  
> Click the links. Hope y'all enjoy.

**Sunday**

_So I had a freak out last night at the gym._

_My dad has a new fighter named Alicia and she’s awesome. She hasn’t done a lot of fighting but he and Lisa believe in her a lot so they set up an exhibition for her and all these fighters from this other gym in the came. Fucking Clint Walker showed up._

_I didn’t see him til the end thank god or I would have missed Alicia win. But I went in Lisa’s office and I was crying so bad that Nate and Jay went and got Mac (our friend who’s a nurse) cause they couldn’t get me to calm down. He said I had an anxiety attack? I don’t really know what that means but I hope to god I never have one again. It was fucking terrible. I opened a cut in front of my brothers and it was so embarrassing but I had to. I wasn’t thinking straight. I didn’t think it could ever get that bad. But yeah, I guess Jay knows I cut now. I’m pretty sure he didn’t know before. I don’t think Nate told him._

_They know why I freaked out, but I wouldn’t tell them who it was that I saw. Nate practically had to yell at Jay to get him to stop interrogating me. The whole thing was awful._

_I don't want to talk about this anymore._

 

* * *

 

“She won’t stop listening to Passion Pit,” Nate sighed, crashing onto the couch. 

“Well, at least she’s listening to _something,_ ” Jay pointed out, scooting over on his makeshift bed to give Nate some room. “You know when it’s silent is when it’s really fucking bad.” 

Nate sat forward and lowered his voice. “We need to figure out who the fuck was at the fight.”

Jay shook his head. “It’s not like there was a fucking sign-in sheet, Nate.”

“So? We can… we can make a list if we have to.”

He shrugged and muttered, “Mmkay.” 

“Why are you being so chill about this?” Nate demanded. He looked pissed. “Do you not care? She’s barely been home for a week and a half, and she’s already seen him, so it’s somebody that must run in our circles. Do you get that? It was somebody she fucking knew. Somebody _we_ know.”

Jay tipped his head back and said in a dangerously calm voice, “Nathaniel. I know I look like I’m fucking tranquil. It’s because I’m so fucking…” He trailed off, unable to find a word. He waved his hand instead. “You know. That I can’t fucking express it. I’ve never been like this before.” He squinted his eyes and tapped his forehead. “It’s up there, dude. It’s fucking up there. I’m gonna-” He laughed darkly. “I’m going to fucking murder this bastard if I get off this couch. And it will not be quick. I’m going to torture a bitch, you understand? So don’t let me get up, or things are going to get very bad very quickly.”

Nate swallowed. “Okay.”

Jay settled into the pillows again. “Okay,” he echoed.

Nate stood up. “I’m going in the kitchen. I was fucking serious about making a list. Zebra’s still in my room, so...”

“Alright." 

“You want any food while I’m in there?” he offered.

“Nah. Thanks, man. Later.”

Nate grabbed an envelope from a cupboard and found a pen in one of the drawers. He sat down at the kitchen table and tapped the pen against the wood. There were a million people at the fight he didn’t really know, but from the bits and pieces Zoey had told him, he’d deduced that it was someone he knew personally. That narrowed things down a lot.

It was harder than he expected to remember all the names and faces. He’d been so focused on Alicia and Alvey that he’d barely paid attention to who was around. Maybe it would be easier to make a list of people that it _wasn’t._ Zoey had been around most of the Navy Street tribe and had no problems.  
  


_Safe:_  

 _Dad_  
_Jay_  
_Me_  
_Alicia_  
_Joe Daddy_  
_Ryan_  
_Mac_  
_Juan_  
_Shelby_  
_Keith_    
  


The list went on. Nate put down as many names as he could, and then he switched his focus to Black House. The coach, the fighters… it couldn’t have been any of the girls, because Zoey had said multiple times that her attacker was male.

Several of the Black House fighters didn’t show up until halfway through the fight. Zoey had been mingling a little at the beginning, and she didn’t panic until the end of the night, so it likely was someone that came in near the end. 

Nate wracked his brain and made a new column. He wrote a list of names, but it was only four lines long. He stood up and took the envelope to Jay. His older brother looked at it and said, “You’re missing Cub Swanson and Clint Walker; they showed up at the last minute. And I think you should put Coach Kenny on there.”

“I saw her go up to Kenny and give him a fucking hug. It’s not him.”

Jay nodded. “Okay, good.”

Nate looked to his brother. “Now what?”

Jay shook his head slowly. “We start investigating.”

"How?"

Nate’s bedroom door swung open, and Zoey walked out fully dressed. 

“Hey, monkey,” Jay said, turning slightly sideways to cover Nate as he stuffed the envelope between the couch cushions. 

“Hi.”

“Where are you headed?”

She sat down on the arm of the sofa. “I think I’m gonna go over to Sam’s.” 

Jay’s forehead wrinkled in concern. “Are you okay?” 

“Uh, yeah. I don’t have an appointment or anything. I just kind of wanna sit in the waiting room.” 

“You want me to drive you?” he offered. 

“Um. I was actually wondering if Nate would.”

“Yeah,” he said, glad to be able to actually _do_ something for once. He felt like he was stuck just standing by, watching his sister suffer. “Let me get shoes.” 

He got up and walked to his room, and Zoey’s eyes drifted over to the sofa. She saw a corner of the envelope sticking between the cushions. “What’s that?” she asked. 

“What’s what?” Jay responded, playing dumb.

She lunged across him and grabbed the paper, and her face paled when she saw the list of names. “What the fuck is this?” she demanded. 

Jay stammered. “It’s, uh. Fuck. Um. We were… we-”

“You two were trying to figure out who I saw,” she filled in. She ripped the envelope in half and then tore those halves in half as well. She dropped the paper on the ground and said angrily, “Fuck you guys.”

“Zee, hey. We were just trying to help!” he called, but she’d already crossed the kitchen and slammed the door. It rattled in the frame.

“Fuck,” Jay sighed. He had half a mind to follow her, but she was too angry right then. She wouldn’t listen to him. If he’d learned anything about her in the last year and a half, it was that when things went wrong, she needed space. 

“What the fuck was that about?” Nate asked. 

Jay motioned to the pieces of paper lying shredded on the floor.

“Well, fuck.”

“That’s what I said.”

Nate scrubbed a hand over his face. “I’m gonna go after her.”

“Nate…” 

“I’m done letting her run from all her problems. It’s fucking stupid, and it doesn’t solve anything.” 

“Just give her some fucking time.”

“She’s _had_ time!” Nate exploded. “She’s had a _year_ , Jay! It’s been a fucking year, and she clearly hasn’t dealt with this at all. She had a fucking panic attack, and I get it, but she can’t live like this. _I_ can’t live like this. It’s too much stress for all of us, okay? I know you hardly sleep anymore, and between worrying about her and worrying about what mom's going to do, I think I’m gonna go fucking insane.” 

“She’s taking the right steps now, Nate,” Jay said softly. “She’s back home now. She’s working with Sam, and she’s writing stuff in her journal. She’s started talking more and more.”

Nate looked away and pursed his lips.

“Hey,” Jay murmured, spotting the frustration in his brother’s eyes. “I know you want her back. I want her back, too. But it’s gonna take time.”

“Whatever,” Nate grumbled. He swiped at his nose, grabbed his keys off the counter, and went outside to find his sister.

She’d barely made it two blocks away when Nate caught up to her. She was walking briskly with her arms crossed over her chest. He slowed the car down to her walking speed and rolled the window down. “Zoey,” he said. 

She didn’t look at him. 

He sighed. “Zoey, come on. Get in the car.”

She ignored him and kept walking. 

“I’ll take you wherever the hell you wanna go.”

Nothing. 

“Look, I know you’re pissed at us, okay? But we don’t know what else to do. Zoey.”

When she still didn’t look over, he stopped the car and got out. She sped up, but he caught her by the arm. 

“Fucking listen to me!” he commanded.

His tone of voice was enough to get her to look right in his eyes. He sounded so upset. 

“Stop running away. Stop. I know you’re scared, cause I’m fucking scared, too. I can’t even imagine how you feel right now, but this? What you’re doing right now, getting angry at Jay and me for doing the only thing we fucking _can_ do? It’s not cool. You’re home, and we’re here, so stop fucking shutting us out. You’ve built this wall up and we can’t get through it, but we’re _trying_ , Zoey! We miss you. You’re home, and we still miss you. You’re not you anymore because of what happened, but you’re still my sister, okay? Don't you get that? No matter what happened to you, no matter what you’ve been through or what you’re doing now or what you’ll be doing in a month, you’re still my little sister, and you’re still my best friend, and I still-”

He cut himself off and then continued. “Look, the fucking point is, you’ve got to stop running away, and you have to stop pushing us away. We want to help you, so please let us. Get in the car, and let me drive you to Sam’s office. Or the library. Or the pier. Wherever the fuck you wanna go, I’ll take you. I’ll even sit with you if you want. Just please stop running from me and Jay.”

She swallowed, taking in his words.  
  
Nate could see that she wasn’t convinced yet. “Look, I just watched you cry your fucking eyes out last night, and there wasn’t a goddamn thing I could do. So let me do this. Let me drive you somewhere.” 

She was silent, but Nate could practically feel her thinking, so he stayed quiet. Several seconds passed. 

She shifted from her right foot to her left. “The,” she started, but her voice barely came out. She cleared her throat. “The library sounds good right now.” 

Nate nodded. “Library it is,” he said softly. He opened the passenger door for her and closed it after she sat down. He walked around the front of the car and climbed in next to her. The engine sputtered to life, and they headed down toward the county library. 

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“Sorry for yelling,” he replied.

She was silent for a moment, but then she continued, “No, I’m serious. You’re right. I never really thought about it, but I always run. I do.” She blinked. “Like Dad.” 

Nate shook his head, not taking his eyes off the road. “You’re not like Dad.” 

She leaned her head against the glass of the window. 

He looked at her. “You’re _not_ like Dad,” he stated again. “Trust me, I’ve spent more time with him than just about anyone. You’re not like him at all.”

She gave him a doubtful look. “Well, anyway… I’m sorry I made you worry. And I’m sorry that I didn’t call while I was gone.”

Nate huffed. “Yeah, that could have been nice,” he agreed sarcastically. She smiled a little, and he dropped the act. “I’m just glad you came back.”

She stared out the window and absently nodded. “Yeah… yeah, I think I am, too.”

They parked a few minutes later and went in the front doors. Zoey took a few extra seconds to stare at her favorite statue by the entrance. It was a little girl in overalls made of bronze. She had a short ponytail and thick, bunched up, 90s socks, and she made Zoey feel at home. Zoey got a strange urge to throw her arms around the statue, but she refrained. 

Out of the habit she’d picked up in Arizona, she started heading for the kids’ section. She stopped in her tracks and took a moment to collect herself. Kennedy and Julia and Tabby and Jamie and Ellen and Jo… And Sophie. God bless Sophie. She hoped they were all okay. She needed to get Dad to put the word out about the clothing drive soon. 

Nate followed her past the encyclopedias and magazines to the Young Adult section. He sat on the floor and pulled out his phone while she started going through the stacks. They were quiet, not needing to talk.

Somehow, things were more normal than they had been in over a year.

 

* * *

 

“I need to talk to you kids about something.”

Alvey had shown up in the middle of dinner that night, insistent that he needed to come in right that minute. Christina was at work, which was a blessing, but it was still bizarre to see Dad in the new house.

“What’s going on?” Jay asked. 

Alvey’s voice was unusually soft. “Um. I wanted to invite you three to one of my… my therapy sessions.” 

Jay raised his eyebrows. Nate tilted his head. Zoey listened curiously. 

“I know it sounds weird, but this is something I’ve been needing to do. Just one session. It’s not family therapy or anything, so don’t worry. You don’t have to talk at all; I just have some things I want to say. There’s no rush, just whenever you three can all make it on a Wednesday at 11.”

Neither Jay nor Zoey spoke, so Nate did. “Okay, Dad. We’ll let you know.”

“Thanks,” Alvey said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “It’s important to me.” He headed back to his car but stopped in the doorway. “I love you kids.” 

“You, too,” Nate replied. Zoey and Jay were silent. 

Alvey left, and Zoey said, “I can make it this week.” 

“Me, too,” Nate added.

“We’re really doing this?” Jay asked. The twins nodded, so he exhaled. “Alright. This week it is. I’ll text him.”

 

* * *

 

 

Zoey spent Tuesday sorting through all her things at Dad’s. She'd learned to live with just a little, so more than half of it wound up in a donate pile. She was so excited to see what the fighters brought in, but she was even more excited for Ellen and the kids to get some new things.

Wednesday came quickly, and that meant piling into Nate’s car and going to Dad’s therapist’s office. The office was different from Sam’s – there was soft piano music coming from speakers that Zoey couldn’t locate. There were army green walls (Sam had cream), grown-up magazines laid neatly across a coffee table (Sam kept his in a cabinet), and an uptight receptionist. Zoey much preferred the chipper, red headed girl behind the desk at Sam’s.

Alvey signed in right as the siblings were taking a seat. “Hey, guys,” he said. “Thanks for coming in.” 

“No problem,” Nate supplied. 

Ten minutes passed, and then a bald man came out of an office and motioned Alvey and his children in.

“You must be Zoey,” the man said, and the Kulina girl nodded as she walked past him and through the doorway. “And Nate,” he continued, shaking Nate’s hand, “and Jay.” 

“That’s us,” Jay replied with an overdone smile. 

It hit Zoey then that her father must have talked to his therapist about the three children a lot. She expected that they must have come up from time to time, but the man seemed so familiar with them. And she supposed Alvey hadn’t faced a trauma like she had – his sessions would likely focus more on his day-to-day life, which involved his kids. Nate, at least. 

“Why don’t you three sit right there,” the therapist said, motioning to the sofa. “Alvey, you take that chair.”

Alvey said, “Okay.”

The three siblings sat in age order; Jay closest to the doctor, Nate in the middle, and Zoey furthest from everyone. She pulled her knees to her chest, which didn’t go unnoticed by the doctor. She didn’t realize he was even looking at her. 

“I’m Dr. Kramer,” the man began. He seemed kinder than Zoey had expected. “I’ve been seeing your father off and on for about a year now. I recommended this session, and he agreed to it. I’m going to be here as a sort of facilitator. He wants to speak to you about some things, and you’re free to say or not say whatever you want. Sound good?”

“Sure,” Jay agreed. Nate and Zoey nodded. 

“Okay,” Alvey said, taking the reins. “Well, first of all, I just want to say thanks again for coming today. Um. So, basically, I asked you here because I wanted to apologize to you. Over the last year or two, it’s grown more and more apparent that I kind of… well, honestly, that I really fucking suck at being a parent. I’ve been – I’m a terrible father to all three of you.” 

“You’re not,” Nate cut in, but Alvey just smiled at him sadly. Nate's eyes flicked to the therapist as he wrote something on his notepad.

“I know everything about you in the cage,” Alvey told Nate. “I know exactly what you’re going to do before you do it. But outside the gym? We’re like strangers, Nate.”

The middle sibling looked away, eyes steely.

“That’s my fault. I never got to know you. I made you into this fighter that I wanted you to be, and you were fucking brilliant. You still are. But I know that I should have tried to figure out who you were, and what _you_ wanted, not just what I wanted. I never did that.” 

“I like fighting,” Nate said quietly.

“I know. And I love you in the cage. I love you in the gym. You’re a hard worker and a great teacher, and I can see when you’re with your siblings that you’re a fantastic brother.” 

Jay squeezed Nate’s knee proudly.

“But I hope you know that I love you when you’re not fighting, too. I don’t know you well yet, but I want that to change.”

Nate nodded solemnly.

Alvey looked at his daughter. “Zoey.” He paused for a long time and shook his head. “I was never there for you. Not ever. Right from the beginning, I passed you to Jay. And I can see now that it was for the best, because he takes care of you and Nate better than I fucking ever knew how to. I know you think,” he said carefully, “that I don’t love you. It’s not true. But the more I think about it, the more I understand why you believe that.”

Zoey swallowed hard. She didn’t want to hear this. Fuck, she really didn’t want to hear this. 

“I’m sorry that I’ve been absent. We live in the same house half the time, but I’m still an absent father. That’s been tough for me to understand, but I see it. I did to you what my father did to me, and I’m so sorry. I missed so much of you growing up. So much." He huffed a sad laugh. "I hope you know I regret that."

"Me, too," she said tiredly.

"You've been through so much, and I wish I could have protected you from that. I never wanted things to turn out like this for you. But I'm here now, okay? If you want to talk to me, I'm here."

She was still, and she felt relief when Alvey switched gears. 

“And Jay… my son. My beautiful son.” Alvey sighed heavily. He looked so weary. “You were my first child. You were everything. I hope you know that. For a while, I did it right. And then it all went to shit, but you – you were the most beautiful baby. God, we loved you so much. I used to sit in your room with you at night. I’d get you out of the crib even though your mom told me not to, and I’d sit in the rocking chair and just hold you. You were so fucking small.” 

Jay’s eyes were filled with tears, but he was trying desperately not to let them spill.

“You grew up to do so much more than I ever could have imagined. You raised my fucking kids. Both of them _and_ yourself. You dropped out of school to work two jobs to pay for an apartment and three people. You and a little kid and a fucking  _baby._  And I remember that Nate and Zoey never had a single cavity. You did that. Not me. _You_ , Jay. You are… you are so strong. And brave. And determined. You don’t take bullshit, you don’t let people get in your way. I admire that about you.” 

Jay was crying a little then. Nate rested a warm hand on his brother's back.

“You worked so goddamn hard at everything you ever did, and I always saw that, Jay. I always noticed that about you. You always gave a hundred percent.” He paused and took a deep breath. “Do you… do you remember when you were eleven and you got cast in that play at school?”

Jay crumbled immediately, sobs falling out of his chest desperately and brokenly. He knew exactly the story his father was going to tell.

Alvey felt like his heart was splitting in two as he watched his son grieve over something that had happened eighteen years previously. “You were so excited when you got the part – I remember hearing you go over and over that audition monologue in your bedroom, and you got cast. You ran home and told me all about it. It was all you wanted to talk about for days. You were the only sixth grader to make it into the junior high play. I was so proud of you.”

Jay folded in two, his hands over his face. “Why didn’t you show up?” he whimpered.

The tone of his voice had Zoey starting to cry as well. Nate held one of each of their hands.

“It was the only thing I asked for,” Jay sobbed. “I knew Zee was a new baby, and I knew Mom was gone and you were getting fucked up, so I did my best to help out and keep my goddamn mouth shut and take care of Nate and try to take care of Zee. But I wanted you there so fucking bad, Dad. What the fuck happened? You were supposed to be there for me. You were my _Dad._ I was just a fucking kid!”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Alvey whispered, looking ashamed. “Jay, I’m _so_ sorry. If I could go back in time and change one thing-”

“It would be that?” Jay asked, astonished and a little disgusted. “How about all the times you hit me in front of Nate? What about when you threw a fucking knife at Zoey when she was two and I had to take her to the emergency room to get stitches in her fucking forehead and make up a lie about how she walked into a table?”

Zoey blinked in shock. She had no idea that had even happened. That explained the line down her face in several years of school pictures. Nate grimaced, the forgotten memory hitting him like a freight train. 

“It would still be that,” Alvey admitted. “I’m sorry for those things, too, but the day of that play was the last time you had faith in me. I think me not showing up was just the last fucking straw for you.” 

“It was. I remember.” Jay had stopped crying, and his voice was coming out flatter than Zoey had heard it in years. Maybe ever.

“You used to look at me like I hung the moon,” Alvey remembered. “And now I get to see my other kids look at you like that. Neither of them ever had that for me. Not even Nate. But they still look at you like that every day, both of them. Enjoy that.”

As Alvey was speaking, Jay motioned Nate and Zoey toward him. They all pressed their heads together. Jay wrapped them both in his arms. 

“They were all I had,” Jay said, his face buried in Nate's shoulder. “They’re everything.”

Alvey nodded. “I didn’t realize that it was the same for me until you moved out and you took them with you. You were so young, and I was so goddamn scared.”

“Then why didn’t you change?!” Jay snapped. “I gave you a million chances.”

“I didn’t think you’d really leave,” Alvey confessed, staring at the ground.

Jay almost laughed. “You’ll never know how bad you were,” he said softly. “You can say any words you want to try to fucking make up for it now, but you’ll never know what it was like. I had to take these kids away from you because you were so fucking toxic. Nate? The guidance counselor called me once because Nate told her that he was an orphan. Zoey actually said the same thing when she was around the same age. Remember [that picture](http://jxnas.tumblr.com/post/147198987365) Zoey drew of the family when she was in foster care? Remember when they were in fucking _[foster care](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6242407/chapters/16392061)?_ You got my kids – _my_ kids – taken away from me TWICE, Alvey.” 

“Jay,” Dr. Kramer said. “Your father’s been making positive changes-” 

“I know,” Jay interrupted, putting a hand up. “I’m not done. You’re on meds. That’s good. You’re in therapy. That’s good, too. But you can’t erase all the damage you’ve done. Maybe they forgive you, and that’s great. But not me. Not me. You put me through fucking hell, Dad. I dreaded coming home every day, and then I moved out and it was the most incredible thing. The kids were so much happier, and they talked more, and we laughed so much more than we ever did. We were all so scared of you all the time. You were constantly drunk or angry or high, and no matter what we did, one of us would get yelled at or hit or god knows what else. I’m sorry, but I can’t just write that off. I love you because you’re my Dad, and you’ll always be part of my family whether I like it or not. But no, I don’t forgive you for what you did. I don’t know if I ever will.”

Alvey nodded. “I understand,” he said softly. 

A quiet settled over the room.

“Zoey?” Dr. Kramer asked.

She looked away. “Sometimes I wish I had a dad,” she murmured. Two tears streamed quickly down her cheeks. “And then I remember I do.”

Nate slid an arm behind her back. She held his other hand, and Jay put one of his on top of theirs.

“I always called you Daddy, but it was just a word. It didn’t mean what it means to other people." She swallowed and chuckled cynically. "God, Father’s Day is the worst. Every year, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are so awkward and strange, and I never know what to say or how to feel. Cause you’re here, but you’re not really here. And I’m okay with it, but some days, it really, really sucks.” Her voice was broken, but her eyes were fierce when she said, “Jay has always been my real dad.” 

Her oldest brother squeezed her hand and leaned across to kiss her forehead. 

“I don’t forgive you either,” Nate said suddenly.

Alvey looked up at him, shocked and incredibly hurt. “Son,” he murmured. 

“No. Jay explained it perfectly. We were fucking terrified of you.” 

“Even you?” Alvey asked. 

“Especially me!” Nate retorted angrily, but he didn’t explain it any further. “I know you love me, and I love you, too. But I see you as a coach. Not a father. So we don’t have to keep having all these dinners where we act like we have a real fucking relationship.” 

“Nate,” Alvey pleaded.

Nate shook his head and sat back against the sofa.

Alvey shrugged sadly in defeat. “Well, the kids have spoken,” he sighed. “I appreciate you guys coming in and listening,” he said. 

“I thought you’d be way more hostile,” Jay said suspiciously. 

“We prepared for this,” Dr. Kramer explained. “Most of the time, children of troubled parents have a hard time forgiving them.” 

Jay had to shut his eyes so no one would see him roll them. _Troubled parents_. Oh, yeah. That’s what they were. ‘Troubled.’ 

“Before you three go, does anybody wanna say anything else?” the therapist prompted.

All four Kulinas remained silent.

“Alright,” Dr. Kramer said. He sounded disappointed, but he passed Jay a business card anyway. “If you ever want to get in contact with me,” he explained.

Jay nodded his thanks. “Come on, monkeys,” he said softly, getting to his feet. “Let’s go home.” 

Nate stood up quickly and rushed out the door. Jay wrapped an arm around Zoey who leaned into him. They could both feel Alvey’s eyes on them as they exited.

The ride home was silent, and all three Kulinas went off on their own as soon as they could. Jay laid down for a nap on the couch. Nate closed himself in his room. Zoey went down to the beach for some alone time.

Each one of them tried to feel bad about not forgiving their father, but there had been too much pain. They all knew he’d never loved them the right way, and even if he was making changes now, that didn’t make all of the history magically disappear. 

Jay got up after a while and smoked a joint; his mind was too awake to sleep. 

Nate stared at blades of his fan as they spun around and around on the ceiling. He drummed his fingers anxiously against his thigh and tried not to think about how hard Jay had been crying or the new memory of baby Zoey's blood streaked down her face like Carrie. Fuck. Training was going to be so awkward tomorrow.

By the ocean, Zoey turned on a bright smile and went down a few blocks with a twenty something boy who had a hotel room to himself. She let him fuck her into oblivion. The cash in her hand made her feel a little bit better. 

Alvey went home and drank. He was supposed to be teaching a class, but he didn’t even bother calling the gym to tell someone he wouldn’t make it. All that prep, all that work for his kids to shut him out and say no. He’d always seen it in their eyes, but to hear it from their mouths was something entirely different. They could have lied. 

He’d expected Nate to come around at least, but he had seemed the angriest out of all of them. Jay was filled with sadness, and Zoey seemed scared, but Nate was pissed.

Alvey sat at the kitchen counter and drank until he made himself sick.


	14. Chapter 14

Thursday found Zoey back at Sam’s.

“How was your week?” he asked her.

Instead of answering directly, she said, “I brought my journal in.”

He smiled when he heard her speak so easily. “You want me to read it?” he asked. 

“Just the last two,” she said, flipping through and opening to the page she wanted him to begin with. 

“Alright, let’s see.”

“It’s pretty fucking messy,” she warned. “I kind of only write when I get angry.”

He glanced at her. “Have you been cutting yourself?”

“Uh, a little. But not nearly as much as before.”

“Good.” He nodded and started reading.

The first entry was about the panic at the gym. The second filled in her thoughts about the session with Alvey. 

“Wow,” Sam said, and he sounded truly sad. “So you’ve had a tough time lately, huh?”

She shrugged, but then she nodded. She didn’t have to lie to Sam. She was starting to figure that out. 

“Talk to me about seeing Clint again.” 

“I was scared,” she confessed. “Like, really scared. I should have known that he couldn’t do anything to me with my brothers there, but it didn’t feel like that. I couldn’t think straight, and once I started crying, I really couldn’t stop. I was trying to, but it just kept coming and coming. I freaked both of my brothers out.” 

“And the nurse that came, Mac. What happened with him?” 

“I was – this is gonna sound so dumb, but I locked myself in Lisa’s office, and I was hiding under her desk." She chuckled a little at herself. "It seemed safe at the time. But Jay got a key from my dad, so he – Jay, I mean – and Nate came in and talked to me, but Jay went and got Mac after a couple minutes. Mac and Nate got me to come out from under the desk, and Mac just got me to calm down. I’ve known him forever, so I wasn’t scared of him or anything.” 

“So other men aren’t a problem,” Sam confirmed. 

Zoey shook her head. “Not really. I’ve been around them forever. The only girl who was ever in my life was Lisa. And Jay’s girlfriends, but none of them lasted more than a week or so, so I just tried to stay away from them. No, Lisa was the only one.”

Sam nodded thoughtfully. “How are you adjusting to her being gone?” 

Zoey sighed to herself. “Um, it’s not actually as bad as I was expecting. It’s been weird seeing my dad without her, and Nate’s been hit really hard with the work she used to do at the gym. That was her job, you know, managing all the contracts and the maintenance and the money, but he’s just filling in until my dad can hire somebody else. I try to help him out when I can. But yeah, it’s pretty sad cause I just got home, and then she left. It’s better for her this way; I try to remember that. Nate has been keeping me busy, though.” She rubbed at her nose. “He just yelled at me the other day.” 

“Why?”

“Cause I was running away from the house after…” She cut herself off. “So after I freaked out at the gym, Nate and Jay made a list of who I could have seen. They still don’t know it was Clint Walker. “ 

“Right,” Sam noted. He scratched something down on his clipboard. 

“I found the list even though they tried to hide it from me, and I tore it up cause I was mad, and then I left the house. Nate came after me and yelled at me – which he never does, he never yells at anybody. He was mad because I always run away from my problems. Physically. Like, I leave situations when they get bad. I leave Dad’s house when he gets mad at me. I used to cut class sometimes if I got a bad grade or a kid was mean or I wanted to avoid the teacher. I leave when my mom is annoying. I fucking left California because I couldn’t stand being here.” 

“Why do you think that is?” 

“Why I didn’t want to stay in LA?” 

“No, why you leave instead of dealing with things.” 

Zoey was hit hard with the realization that what she did was exactly the same thing her mother had done. She buried her face in her hands. This was bad, this was so bad. She couldn’t turn out like Christina. But here she was, prostituting and running away from her family. 

“I want to stop,” she said. “I want to leave.” 

“Why?” 

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

Sam smiled at her sadly. “Zoey. You realize you’re doing it right now, right? We still have forty minutes. We’re going to stay here.”

“You said I could leave if I wanted,” she snapped.

“Yeah, on your first day. If you leave now, you’re going to lose ground. You’re doing so well – I want you to hang in there and talk to me. It might be uncomfortable, and it might suck, but I want you to try to push yourself. Therapy isn’t always easy.” He looked at her for a moment, trying to read her face. “Zee, what were you thinking about before you said you wanted to leave?” 

She swallowed nervously. “That’s what my mom did.”

“What is?”

Zoey curled her dark hair behind her ear. “She left us instead of trying to fix things with my dad. She left the whole family. I left my whole family, too.” She looked up at Sam. “I don’t want to turn out like her, but I’m scared we’re the same.”

He thought for a moment. “How are you different from her?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted softly, her gaze falling to the carpet. “I try not to spend a lot of time with her.” 

“Your brother Jay does, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you ask him when you see him?”

She nodded slowly.

“A lot of us are very similar and very different from our family members at the same time. What about Nate? How are you like Nate?” 

“We like a lot of the same stuff. Crime shows on TV, breakfast food… we like MMA and we always hang out. We have too many shoes. We both keep our rooms pretty clean, and we both like to be outside on the beach.”

“And what are some ways that you’re different?”

“He’s really quiet. I like to talk things out, but he doesn’t. He’s really good at working out and eating healthy, and I hate both of those things. He’s afraid of storms, but I like them.”

“See?” Sam said. “I bet it’s the same with your mom. Some things you have in common, and some things you don’t.”

“But what if I have her bad stuff?” Zoey asked softly. 

“Sometimes that’s the case,” Sam told her. “We just have to do our best to keep ourselves in check, because even though we may have some of their genes, we’re in control of our own actions. For example, my dad was an alcoholic.”

Zoey looked up at him, curious.

“I was always worried I’d get addicted to something too – I’m sure you’ve heard that addiction can be hereditary.”

Zoey nodded.

“And I did. I was irresponsible, and in my early twenties, I was addicted to cocaine for about a year. But I got clean and I went back to school, and now I have a job I love and beautiful wife. For a long time, I blamed my dad, but then I realized that I was the one who made the choices that got me there. My dad’s addiction had nothing to do with mine.”

“I want to stop,” she repeated. She could hardly stay still.

Sam let her sit with the emotions she was feeling and watched as she dug her nails into her knees. “I know it’s uncomfortable,” he acknowledged. “Sometimes, one of the best things you can do is try to understand the way you’re feeling. You don’t have to do anything – just feel it and try to label it. Wait it out.” 

“That’s what Nate does,” she said. “I don’t know how the hell he does it.” 

“It takes practice,” Sam nodded. “But it can be very helpful. Sometimes you get stuck somewhere you don’t want to be, and it can help to have a little experience being uncomfortable with yourself.”

“I hate it,” Zoey hissed. “I fucking hate it.”

“I know,” Sam replied gently.

She closed her eyes and bent forward.

"What are you feeling now?" Sam asked.

She swallowed. "I'm gonna crawl out of my skin," she muttered.

"No, that's a reaction to what you're feeling. What's the name of the emotion? One word."

Zoey thought, letting herself get a sense of what was going on in her mind. "Scared. Hurt."

Sam nodded. “Alright. I’m going to keep going, okay?” 

She didn’t look up, but she nodded. 

“Can you tell me about what your dad’s therapy session was like?” 

“Different from ours,” she replied, her voice muffled.

“Yeah? How so?”

“More grownups. Lots more people. I think they have like four doctors there, so there were a ton of people waiting. And we went in and the therapist said he was going to, like, facilitate the discussion. He didn’t really say anything; it was mostly my dad talking.” 

“What did he say?” Sam asked curiously. “I read a little in your journal, but it wasn’t clear.”

Her shoulders relaxed, and she sat up a little. “Oh, sorry. Um. He said he wanted to apologize for not being a good dad. He talked a little in general and then he talked to each of us one at a time. Jay was crying a lot – that was the worst part.” 

“What did your dad say to you?” 

“That he was sorry he’d passed me off to Jay when I was a new baby but that it was ‘for the best’ cause Jay did such a good job with me and Nate.” Zoey wasn’t expecting it, but her anger flared up. “It wasn’t good enough,” she decided. She looked up at Sam. “We didn’t forgive him. None of us.”

“That’s perfectly valid,” Sam assured her.

“I know. I just feel like he meant what he said, which made it suck more. For all four of us. He talked about all this stuff I never even knew about, and it was really sad, because it never occurred to me that there was bad stuff going on with him before I was even born. I mean, I guess I always kind of knew it, but I never really thought about it.” She took a shaky breath. “Jay said that he threw a knife at me when I was two.”

Sam’s eyebrows shot up.

“Yeah. Dad was telling Jay he was sorry for when he didn’t show up to this performance Jay worked really hard to be in, and then he said if he could change one thing about his life, it would be that he would go to Jay’s performance. And Jay got _really_ fucking mad and was yelling at him, and all this stuff came out that I didn’t know about, like that Dad threw a knife at me. I don’t remember it, but I could feel that Nate did.” She stumbled a little and then clarified, “Remember I told you we have that weird connection that Jay calls ‘the twin thing?’” 

“I remember.”

“But anyway, Jay said he had to take me the emergency room cause I needed stitches in my face. He would have only been thirteen if I was two, which means Nate was six.” She took a deep breath. “Fuck,” she whispered. “Everything was so fucked up. But Jay said first that he didn’t forgive him, and then I said I didn’t. And then when Nate didn’t forgive him either, I was really surprised. My dad was, too, but I don’t think Jay really was. I think Jay knew Nate was still pissed about everything. It was really sad hearing that from Nate, though, cause I know he spends a lot of time with my dad, and I thought they were doing okay. But he said he doesn’t think of my dad as a dad, but that he thinks of him more like a coach.” 

“That must have been hard for everyone to hear.”

Zoey nodded. “It was pretty awful. But it wasn’t Nate’s fault.” 

“No, not at all,” Sam agreed. 

“I felt really bad for my dad, but at the same time, I didn’t feel bad at all,” she admitted. “He did this to himself.” 

At the end of the session, Sam said, “I’m really proud of you, Zee.” 

She gave him a little smile. 

“I hope you’re proud of yourself, too. You did a really great job today. And I hope you noticed that your voice stayed intact that entire time.”

Jay grinned at her as he heard Sam’s report. “That’s my girl,” he praised, squeezing her in a hug and kissing the top of her head. “Come on. Cheeseburgers on me.”

 

* * *

 

A few hours later, Zoey showed up at Navy Street with a big box marked “DONATIONS” in messy sharpie. Jay and Nate trailed behind her with smaller boxes stuffed with clothes, books, and shoes. The brothers dumped the boxes upside-down into the big box. 

“What’s all this?” Mac asked, coming over. 

“We’re gonna have a clothing drive!” Zoey smiled. “It’s for a runaway shelter in Arizona.” 

“Oh, cool,” Mac said.

“Books and shoes, too. And coats!”

“Hey,” Alvey said, walking up to his kids. “You found the box?” 

“Uh, yeah,” Zoey said awkwardly, her eyes on her feet. “Thank you.”

“No problem. Nate, did you fix the-” 

“Yep,” Nate interrupted dully. “Like half an hour ago. And I scanned all the contracts into the computer and forwarded the files to Lisa.” 

“Great,” Alvey said, clapping his hands together. “That’s a huge help, Nate.” 

“Well, are you gonna pay me soon?” he asked.

Alvey faltered. “When I have the money, son.”

Nate covertly made a face at Zoey.

“Well, when did Lisa get paid?” Jay asked, standing up for Nate. 

“We made it work,” Alvey replied defensively.

“So fucking make it work for Nate, too.” 

Alvey crossed his arms over his chest. “I just said I’d fucking pay him when I have the money.” 

“Well, he’s working for you _now_ , so I suggest you figure it out soon.”

“Or what?” Alvey challenged. 

Jay stepped forward with wild eyes, but Nate quickly inserted himself between them and put a hand on each of their chests. “It’s fine,” he lied.

“I have some money saved,” Zoey offered nonchalantly. “I can help with bills.”

Jay glanced at her. “Yeah, we still need to talk about that.” 

“Jay, Zebra, come on,” Nate said, motioning them back toward Lisa's office. “Can you guys help me with this shit? I could really use it.” 

“Sure,” Zoey said, trailing after her brother. She looked behind her, and when she noticed Jay wasn’t following, she grabbed his hand and tugged him after her. “Come on,” she said, sure to keep her voice a little loud. “You can beat him up later.”

 

* * *

 

Things got a little better in Venice. Jay got his fight with Ryan scheduled, and he started training harder than Zoey had seen him train in years. She genuinely enjoyed watching him work. He split his time between sparring with Alvey and wrestling with Nate, and Zoey got to run the timer and pick the music. It felt like a family again.

She wasn’t expecting them all to get back together and have things run so smoothly, and if she was being honest, they didn’t always; Jay and Alvey got into two yelling matches in the first week alone. But for the most part, getting all their feelings out in the open had been really good. Things weren’t nearly as awkward. In some ways, they were even less awkward than before now that no one had to pretend anymore. And Alvey seemed to be coping well, which helped. 

The clothing drive went well overall, certainly better than Alvey had expected. If they’d tried to do this before Zoey had run away, he was sure it wouldn’t have been nearly as successful, but it seemed that everyone had a soft spot for his daughter, so the donations poured in. Every time Zoey peeked in the box, her smile grew. “They’re going to love this,” she said. “They’re going to be so happy.” 

Nate was looking up the shelter's address to get an estimate of how much shipping was going to cost when he found a picture on the website of Zoey sandwiched between two little girls. He printed it on a piece of computer paper and taped it onto the pole the cardboard box was resting against.

“That’s Julia and Kennedy,” Zoey murmured from behind him, making him jump a little. He turned and noticed that her face was the definition of melancholy. She continued, “They met at the shelter, and now they’re best friends. They do everything together. God, Ken never stops talking,” she chuckled. She cast her eyes away from the photo. “I hope they’re alright.” 

Nate gave her a reassuring smile and walked over to her for a comforting hug. “I’m sure they’re fine.” 

She nodded into his shoulder. 

“I gotta go make two thousand phone calls,” he said regretfully, pulling away.

“Can I help?” she asked. 

She looked so hopeful that he couldn’t say no. “Yeah, that would be great. Thanks, Zebra.” He nudged her cheek with his knuckles and followed her into Lisa’s old office.

Her hair had grown so long.

 

* * *

 

Alvey’s phone rang. He was already running late for the press conference, but the second he saw the name on the screen, he faltered. He slid his pointer finger across the screen to pick up the call.

“Hey, Ron. How's it going?” he asked. 

A few moments passed. “When?” he demanded. “How? What the fuck happened?”

Another pause. Alvey ran a hand over his face. “Is she okay?” He sighed nervously. “Put her on the phone.”

Silence.

“Ron. Is she okay? Let me talk to her, Ron. Let me talk to her. No, let me – just let me fucking talk to her! Let me talk to her! Ron!”

Realizing his defeat, he switched gears. “All right, listen, listen - Ron, Ron, Ron. Tell her I love her. Please. All right. Yeah.”

He hung up the phone, and a scream tore out of his chest. He smashed the trophy case in one bloody punch and knocked everything from his desk onto the floor.

“Fuck!” he cried. “ _Fuck!_ ”

 

* * *

 

 

“Alvey?” Garo asked. “Alvey. You have a question.”

“Oh, I missed the question,” Alvey admitted tiredly. He’d bandanged his fucked up hand and driven through hellish traffic, but it still hadn’t been enough time for him to pull himself together. “What was it?”

A guy in the crowd spoke up. “I was saying your two top fighters, one of whom is your son, are squaring off against each other. How do you manage a situation like that?”

“We try to keep it as routine as possible,” Alvey answered, trying to pull himself out of autopilot. “I work with both fighters individually, like I would any other fight. My son Nate will be in Jay's corner, and Joe Daddy Stevenson will be cornering Ryan.” 

“Someone's got to lose this fight,” the guy pressed. “What do you say to the guy who doesn't get his hand raised?” 

“I tell him what the Greeks say: the strong do what they can, and the weak suffer what they must.”

Several hands went up, and Garo picked another guy. 

“This question is for Ryan and Jay. Ryan, you first. What weaknesses do you see in Jay, and how do you plan on exploiting them?”

“Um...” Ryan cleared his throat awkwardly and leaned closer to the mic. “Jay does some things really, really well. He's… he's awesome in the scramble. He's a really great striker. Um… But as far as – as far as weaknesses, I mean, he's, um… I mean, he's decent on the ground, so I'll have to look out for some submissions, but…” He cracked a smile. “You know, he's nothing special, and, uh, I'm just gonna treat him like anyone else. I'm gonna… I'm gonna hold him down, I'm gonna smother him, then I'm gonna beat him up until he… he asks me to stop. Right, Jay?” Ryan chuckled, but Jay didn’t return the smile.

“Jay, same question,” the guy in the crowd prompted.

Jay sat up and adjusted his shoulders. “That's a hard question for me to answer, because Ryan Wheeler has no weakness. Look at him.” Jay paused dramatically and took a deep breath. “That's god's work. That's 155 pounds of get-down with a smile to take your breath away, ladies.” When there was a chuckle from the audience, Jay said, “I'm serious. This man is put together beautifully. Stronger, faster, more elegant than any man has a right to be. So, my humble goal, sir, my humble goal-!”

(In the crowd, Zoey was shaking her head, smiling affectionately at the show her big brother was putting on.)

“-is simply to stay in that cage with this angel of god and to bask in his splendor. Yes, sir. Now, as for a game plan, lord if I know. I probably am just gonna lay and pray till he's tired of whipping my ass. And when this thing is done and over, and my hide is properly tanned, I hope to have a picture with this champion and then to return to the simple life to which I have become accustomed, because that, ladies and gentlemen? That would be the very _best_ result that I could hope for. Holy lord!”

“Jay Kulina, ladies and gentlemen,” Garo said, smiling proudly. “It's gonna be the most exciting fight in MMA history. Look at this.”

Ryan and Jay stood up and pressed their foreheads together. Ryan grinned, but Jay’s affect was flat. He was completely serious. Zoey shifted nervously as she watched, trying to get a better read on Jay’s expression. This fight was seriously taking an emotional toll on her brother. The two men embraced, and then they broke apart to do pictures.

Zoey drifted towards Jay, who gave her a wave. She drew an X over her heart, and he smiled.

“Alvey,” Garo called, stopping the coach in his tracks.

 _Fuck_. He turned.

“You okay?” Garo pressed. 

“I'm fine,” Alvey returned shortly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“May I ask why you were late?”

“No.”

“What happened to your hand? You beat someone to death?” 

Alvey cracked a tense smile. “Not yet, Garo, but keep asking me fucking questions…” 

Garo chuckled. “So handsome, but always so angry. Smile!”

Alvey grunted.

“All the time,” Garo said. “It's exhausting.”

 

* * *

 

An hour later, Nate was teaching a class while Zoey sat off to the side, writing and doodling in her journal.

“All right, all right, take your hand off the mat. There you go. Nice. Nice. Now, listen... It's not enough to just learn these techniques, okay? You have to obsess over them to be effective. Make it a part of who we are, feel it in our bones. That way, when we're caught in a situation, we're under pressure, that move comes to us without us even thinking about it.”

Zoey smiled at him, but he wasn’t looking.

“Fluid motion, fluid motion. Like water. Come on. It saves us. It helps us win. And we like to win. Am I right?” he asked, eyebrows rasied.

"Yes, coach!" his class agreed. They sounded like soldiers.

Nate smacked his gloves together and tried not to grin. “Let's go!”

There was a thump, which distracted both Kulina kids, and they looked toward the source of the sound. Zoey beamed; someone was dropping off more donations.

“Thank you!” Zoey called.

The man waved in response.

Nate smiled at his sister and then turned back around.

“All right, hold up. Everybody watch this,” Nate said, drawing the attention of his class to two of the guys that were wrestling on the mat. “Gives up no control, beautiful positioning. Very good. Very good.” 

Several minutes later, long after Zoey had finished her journal entry, Nate wrapped his class up. It looked like it had gone really well. She was glad Nate was teaching; he really did have some good pointers to share. And it’s not like he wasn’t completely overqualified. It was about time Alvey started putting him to work. 

“It's okay to love what you do,” Nate said, finally giving his class a hint of a smile. “All right, everybody, bring it in. Bring it in. Good work. Hands in. Let's go. One, two, three,” he counted, and everyone yelled, “Navy Street!”

“Same time tomorrow,” he reminded. “Good work today.” When all of his students (which was so weird - half of them were older than him) were gone, he wandered over to Zoey, still breathing a little heavily. “Hey,” he said. “You good?” 

“Yeah,” she responded truthfully. “You?”

“Fucking tired,” he answered, laughing a little. He motioned back to the mat. “It’s harder than it looks.”

“I believe it. They like you a lot, though. You’re really good.”

“Thanks, Zebra.” 

“I’m serious. They really respect you. That one guy, the youngest one?”

“Josh?”

“Yeah. He like, hangs off fucking every word you say.”

Nate smiled a little, proud of himself. It felt good to finally be doing something right.

“Ay, Nate!” Alvey called from his office doorway. 

“Gotta go,” Nate said to Zoey. “You good here?” 

“Actually, I think I’m gonna head home.”

“Okay. Dad’s or Jay’s?”

Zoey shook her head. “I’ll let you know when I decide,” she answered. 

“Okay.” He went in for a hug, but she dodged him. “No, you’re all sweaty!” 

“Noooope, come here.” He pressed his wet t-shirt against her, and she shrieked. 

“I hate you so much!” she said, poking hard at his belly button to get him to jump back. 

“You love me,” Nate taunted, his hand protectively over his stomach.

“Not right now I don’t! You're being like Jay!”

"I'm in a good mood," he said defensively, shadow-boxing at her.

“Nate, come on. Now,” Alvey said impatiently.

“Bye,” Zoey called after him as he jogged into the office.

Nate shut the door behind him and turned to his father, but stopped short. The office was in disarray. Complete chaos. There was broken glass all over the floor, torn paper, smashed metal. 

“How's Alicia?” Alvey inquired, acting as though nothing was wrong.

“She's… fine,” Nate answered hesitantly. What the fuck had happened? 

“How's her weight?” 

“She's about five pounds over. She's with Ryan.”

“All right, stay on her,” Alvey sighed. “I'm not gonna make the weigh-in tonight. Can you handle it?”

“Uh, yeah,” Nate said. “But… what the fuck happened in here? And what happened to your hand, Dad?” 

“I got some bad news,” Alvey explained dismissively. “Lost my temper. Just focus on Alicia, okay? You call me if there are any problems.”

But Nate was still stuck on the mess in the office. His mind jumped worriedly to Zoey. “What kind of bad news?” he pressed.

“Can you handle it or not?” Alvey asked. At Nate’s expression, the older man shook his head. “Just go – go do something.”

 

* * *

 

“Yo. Ryan,” Jay greeted.

“Yo.”

“You know Mario Goldsmith from Split Lip, huh?” he said.

The two men shook hands.

“Mario's embedding himself with me today,” Jay explained. “We are peeling back some of my layers.”

Ryan wasn’t taking any of Jay’s bullshit, though. “We have a fighter cutting weight, so...” he said shortly.

“Oh,” Mario responded.

“…if you could stay out of the way, I'd really appreciate it.”

“Not a problem. I hear ya.”

Jay dropped his voice to a whisper. “Don't worry about him. He gets a little cranky. Come on.” 

He led Mario and the camera crew out of the locker room and into the main part of the gym. “Mario, let me introduce you to Jacob,” he said, stopping next to the Jacob’s Ladder. “Now Jacob is a truly evil machine, but for my money, it's the best way to simulate a hard fight. I do sets of seven. 30 seconds, all-out. Sprint, rest, sprint. Lactic acid builds up to the point where your legs won't do what you want them to do. Now, at that point, two things are happening. The machine is trying to break me. But he's also training my mind and my body not to be broken. Of course, that's what a fight is all about, right?”

“Can we get a demonstration?” Mario asked. 

“Of course,” Jay grinned. But after two tries, the machine wouldn’t budge. 

“Good?” Mario asked.

“Yep,” Jay responded. But even with another attempt at starting the machine, it still wouldn’t turn on. “My apologies, Mario,” Jay said grandly. “This is the real behind-the-scenes sort of footage. It looks like the machine is not working right now.” He clapped his hands and rubbed them together. “I'll be back. We'll do a reshoot?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Great. Sorry.” 

“All right, cut right there,” Mario said to his camera guy. 

Jay disappeared into Nate’s office. “Hey,” he greeted.

Nate barely looked up from the laptop. “Hey.” 

“Jacob's Ladder is broken,” Jay said.

“I know.”

Jay put on a Russian accent. “What are we going to do about it?”

“I’m gonna call somebody.”

“Well, come on, man. I got the fucking press here. This is more than embarrassing."

At that, Nate did look up. “I promise, there are more embarrassing things about you than the Jacob's Ladder not working,” he deadpanned. 

“Ha,” Jay replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes. He headed for the door and then paused. “You know, I got to be honest, Nathaniel - I didn't want to say anything, but I just have to let you know. I've noticed some slippage in the gym as of late.”

Nate clenched his jaw.

“Filthy mats, people not racking their weights…”

“Don't bitch at me, Jay,” he snapped. “I don't want to fucking hear it, okay?”

“Oh. Well, welcome to upper management, young man,” Jay said, waving his arms. “It's your job at some points to be fielding complaints from paying custom-”

“It's been three months! Okay? Three months! Why doesn't he hire somebody?! I'm fucking drowning here. I'm drowning in bills and fucking vendors, and nobody ever pays on time. Not _one person_ pays on time! When I try to call them, they don't fucking pick up the phone, so...” He shrugged exasperatedly. 

“That is a terrible job,” Jay agreed, popping a mint into his mouth.

“It's a terrible job," Nate echoed. "Here," he said, shoving the laptop toward his big brother.

"Mnh-mnh, no way. I am not cut out for white-collar work. I have neither the intellect nor the understanding of basic mathematics and bookkeeping. You...” Jay pointed at Nate and nodded. “Yep, _you_ are the best bad choice that we have. But I'll tell you what. I will call the repairman for Jacob's Ladder, so why don't you write down the phone number for me?”

“Thank you,” Nate sighed.

“Your faithful older brother coming to the rescue yet again!”

As Nate was scrawling the number down in his narrow handwriting, he dropped his voice. “Have you seen Dad's office?”

Jay smacked his gum. “No.”

Nate pushed him out of the door and led him to the other office, which had a hastily written DO NOT ENTER sign taped lopsidedly to the glass. 

“Jay!” a guy called, but Nate shook his head. “Shut the door. I don't want the camera crew to see this.” 

Jay walked in and quickly shut the door, toeing at the fragments of glass on the ground. “Fuck.”

“How was he at the press conference?” Nate inquired. 

“His hand was fucked up. I think he was hungover.” Jay drifted over to the trophy case and straightened what he could without getting his skin sliced. 

“Yeah, he said he got some news.”

“About _what?_ ” Jay asked.

“He didn't tell me. He seemed… depressed. Like, fucking _low_.”

“You think it’s about Zee?” Jay asked. 

Nate grimaced. “I wondered that, but… I don’t think he’d get that mad. And she seemed fine. It’s got to be something else.” 

“I don’t know, man.”

“Well, tell me if you hear anything, alright?” Nate asked. 

“You, too. Hey, where is that kid anyway?” 

“She said she was going home, but she didn’t know which one she was going to. She said she’d text me later.”

“Okay. Well, it’s her night to make dinner, so she’d better be home at some point or else we’re gonna fucking starve.”

 

* * *

 

“Ryan, you got a sec?” Mario asked, jogging up to him. “I’d love to ask you a couple questions.”

Ryan was headed out with Alicia to go train, but he figured he could fuck with the guy for a second. “Sure, man,” he replied amiably. “Yeah, yeah, anything you want. No camera, though.” 

“Really? Okay. You sure?” 

“What's your question?” Ryan asked, a little impatient.

“Uh, you're a couple weeks out. How you feeling?” 

Ignoring the inquiry, Ryan said, “Hey, did you know that Jay can ride a unicycle? Ask him. He'll show you. And, uh, and also he's done some modeling, so... that's interesting.” At Mario’s blank expression, Ryan asked, “Anything else?”

“Uh, no. Thanks, man,” Mario stuttered. “We're all good.”

Ryan gave him a fake smile. “Good to see you.” 

He turned back to Alicia and pulled a silly face. She laughed and shook her head, and then they were gone.


	15. Chapter 15

"There you go,” Nate encouraged. “Drop. There we go, there we go. There we go. Hit the body. There. Right hand. Dig deep. One... two... Put some on that shit. There we go. One-two. Boom. Boom! Yep. Three... four... five. This side. Hey. Burn it out, burn it out. Everything you got! Everything you got! Everything you got! Aaaaand you're done.”

“Aah! Fuck yeah!” Bob panted, out of breath.

“There we go,” Nate said, crouching down next to the guy as he grunted on the yoga mat. “All right, here we go.”

This guy, Bob, had offered to pay Nate a few hundred dollars to come out to his house and train him for an hour and a half. He was old and not in any kind of shape, but money sounded really good to Nate, especially since Alvey wasn’t paying him shit.

“I'm gonna vomit,” the guy said breathlessly.

“Don't do that,” Nate advised. 

“Oh, shit,” he moaned.

Nate thought for a moment and looked back at Bob. “Hey, what'd you eat today?”

“An apple, a hard-boiled egg…”

“Alright, that's not enough. You need calories!”

“Ugh,” he scoffed. “Take care of me. Please, please, please, please. Ohh…” 

“Eat this,” Nate said, passing him a granola bar. 

“Oh, I'm pathetic,” the guy complained.

“Ah, you'll get there,” Nate encouraged.

“You're paid to say that,” he pointed out cynically. Still, he sat back. “How long have you been fighting?”

“My whole life.”

“Are you serious?” he asked. “I'd love to see you fight.”

Nate looked away, uncomfortable.

“Alright. Here you go, drink this,” he said a little bit later. He’d made the man a strawberry banana smoothie and listened to the guy chatter away about some business plan that may or may not go through. 

After he took the smoothie, the man slid a check to him across the counter. “That's 10 grand for the month,” he said.

Nate’s eyes about bulged out of his skull.

“I'm putting you on retainer, okay? If you’ve got other clients, I want you to fire them right now. I got a fucked up, busy schedule. I need you to be available to me, all right? Mornings, evenings, whenever I can fit you in.” 

Nate nodded, still shocked about the money. 

“Be flexible. I'm getting old. I got to turn this shit around,” he chuckled. 

When he noticed Nate staring blankly at the check in his hands, Bob asked, “Is that enough?”

“Uh, y- yeah,” Nate mumbled, looking up. “Yeah. Let me know what you need. You got it.” 

“My assistant will send you an e-mail with some times. We'll figure it out, okay? You kicked my ass today. Don't stop doing that. Don't stop doing that, alright? If I tell you to stop, don't stop. Kick my ass. Kick my ass. Might need a safe word.”

Nate cringed as the guy rubbed his hands over his shoulders. “Alright,” Nate said, doing his best not to squirm away. For ten thousand dollars, he could handle a little discomfort.

“Alright,” Bob echoed, seeming happy.

Nate faked a laugh.

 

* * *

 

“I have no problem fighting Ryan. At all. He feels the same.” Jay was sitting by the pool in his Killer Cub t-shirt with Mario. His guys were setting up cameras, but Jay ignored them, yammering away. “You know, we both knew this day was coming. He's working hard. He's doing everything he can. I'm just grateful that he's stepping into the cage with me. Ryan is a part of our family. He's like a brother to me, and Alvey sees him as a son. We push each other.”

Jay took a bite of his lunch and talked right through it. “Everyone wants to be the alpha. Fuck the beta. Fuck the other wolves. They bring the kill home to _me_. Most people are happy in the middle, cause they’ve got safety in numbers, but the alpha can't tolerate that. It fucks with his control elements. When you have two of us in any given space, it has to be settled. It's natural law.”

“We’re wired up,” one of the guys said from off to the side. 

“The camera's ready,” Mario explained. “Should we do this?” 

Jay took another slow bite. “I'd like to finish my chicken, if you don't mind.”

Seven or eight minutes passed, and then Jay was ready.

Mario started off easy. “Alright, I'm here with Jay Kulina. Jay, thanks for sitting down with me.” 

He nodded. “I'm happy to be here, Mario” 

“Now, you're really well-known in Southern California, but for the rest of the country, for those who don't you know you, how would you describe yourself?”

Jay smiled. “Dark hair, pale skin, medium height, athletic build, and prone to violence.” 

“Others would say talented but reckless, undisciplined. The perception is that you take a lot of unnecessary risks and leave yourself open to punishment. Is that fair?”

“I'm not a point-sparrer. I finish fights. You have to be aggressive, and if that leaves me open, well... such is life.”

“Do you enjoy fighting?” 

“Immensely.”

“Not all fighters do,” Mario noted. 

“Well, I admire those gentlemen. I can't get myself to do a goddamned thing I don't love.” 

“You just dropped an entire weight class,” Mario pointed out. “Couldn't have loved that.”

“It was transformative,” Jay mused. “It was horrific. I felt crazy. All my nerves were so gashed open that I thought if I didn't cauterize myself, I might die. But I didn't. You know, I pushed past that breaking point, and I just... soared. And that's the sort of knowledge that you can only get from a weight cut like that.” 

“Is that a prerequisite for fighters?” 

“What's that?” 

“Pain, suffering. A massive cut like that, that's basically a form of self-punishment.”

“Yeah, well, you know, it's also a form of weight loss,” Jay smiled. “Right, Mario?”

Sensing that the conversation was going nowhere, Mario switched gears. “Why do you fight, Jay?” 

“I fight because it comes natural to me, and I'm good at it.” 

“You're being glib,” Mario accused.

Jay sighed. “Look... people have their thing, but you're right. There's not a fighter I don't know who doesn't have some sort of deep, personal trauma.” 

“And in your case, um, I assume you're talking about your mother. And now your sister.” 

“I'm not talking about anything specifically,” Jay said, faking a smile. Oh, fuck. He'd just dug himself a nice grave.

“I understand your mother left the family. She's a heroin addict.”

“We're not talking about that right now.”

“There's these rumors that she was a sex worker. And we know that your youngest sibling, your sister Zoey – she ran away and was missing for a year. Nate talked about that a while back. Was she doing sex work as well?”

“We're not gonna get into that,” Jay said shortly. 

“All right, well... How have these things shaped your life? What's your relationship with them now? I’ve seen reports this week that Zoey’s back home now. Is that true? What’s that been like?”

“I want you to cut that question,” Jay directed.

“Why?”

“Just skip it.” 

“It's a valid question.” 

“Skip the question or cut the camera.”

“Jay, it's a valid question,” Mario defended. 

“Cut the fucking camera.” 

But Mario kept pushing. “It's a valid question!” 

“Fucking valid question?” Jay repeated. He shook his head. Clearly this was what Mario had been trying to get to all along. 

“Jay, it's a valid question!” 

“A ‘valid question’? How long have you had that question in your fucking chamber, huh? Have you just been sitting on that one all day?” 

“Uh, yeah, I have.” 

“Oh, you have? Just been sitting on that one all fucking day?” 

“We hadn't gotten to that part of the interview,” Mario defended. 

“Can you turn the fucking camera off?” 

“All right, Jay,” Mario placated, but it was to no avail.

“Turn the fucking camera off,” Jay demanded. 

“You don't have to be a dick about it, all right?” 

“I'm not being a dick about it. You turn this fucking camera off, and I think this interview is over. Why don't you get the fuck out of my house?”

“This is what you agreed to. And - don't touch the equipment.”

“I agreed to a fucking interview about my _fight_ , not about my family. And my sister's a minor, you bastard, so watch your fucking mouth.”

“Can you not touch the equipment?” 

“No, fuck you. Interview's over. Thank you. Get the fuck out of my house. Thanks. Right out here, let's go.”

 

* * *

 

Zoey had stopped at the beach for a while to kill some time and think about a dinner plan. After her skin started to tingle from the sun, she started heading toward Jay’s. She turned down a side street and was fumbling with her phone when she was grabbed suddenly from behind. She let out a yelp, but her mouth was quickly covered by a large hand. The guy slammed her up against a fence, his fingers still digging into one of her wrists. Her phone clattered to the sidewalk.

She was about to swear up and down that she didn’t have any money, but a familiar voice stopped her from speaking.

“Don’t you bite me this time, you little bitch,” he hissed. 

Zoey’s eyes met her attacker’s, and her stomach dropped. Clint Walker. She squirmed, but she was stuck. He was too strong. Fighting wasn’t worth it; that much she remembered. He would have his way with her no matter what she did.

“I saw your big brothers fussing over you during your little meltdown at the fight,” he whispered. “Did you tell them about me?” 

When she was too afraid to answer, he slammed her into the fence again. “ _Little Zebra_ ,” he mocked, “did you tell your family about me?”

She wordlessly shook her head, eyes wide. 

“Good,” he spat, shoving her away. “Let’s keep it that way.” He kicked her phone down the pavement and headed back the way he came. He didn’t look back. 

She stayed frozen until he’d disappeared back toward the pier, and then she twisted around, latching her fingers in the fence. Oh god, oh god… he’d seen the whole thing at Alicia’s fight. He knew how to find her. He was keeping tabs on her somehow. 

She could hear her cell phone vibrating in on the sidewalk; she knew without even looking that it would be Nate on the other line. 

She leaned over to vomit, but nothing came out. She wobbled over and picked up the phone. 

“Hey,” she said breathlessly.  
  
“What the fuck just happened?” Nate asked, but he didn’t sound angry. He sounded concerned, almost afraid.

“Stay on the phone,” she choked out. 

“Zebra?”

“I’m okay, just don’t hang up.”

“I’m won’t,” he assured.

She curled her hair behind her ear and started walking quickly to Dad’s, glancing behind herself every few seconds. There was more security there than at the new house. “It’s bad,” she whispered. "Nate, it's bad."

“Where are you?” he asked. “I’ll come get you.” 

“No,” she responded quickly. She needed cut herself, and she had to be alone to do that. “No, I just want to lie down. I’m almost to Dad’s. Can you just stay til I get there?” 

“Yeah.” 

The line went quiet, but not dead. Zoey broke into a jog, still looking over her shoulder every few steps and expecting someone to pop up at every intersection she crossed.

“Zebra, you’re freaking me out,” Nate murmured.

“I know, I’m sorry. Please stay on the phone. Just. Please.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I – what can I do to help?”

“Nothing,” she said. “I’m fine.”

He snorted. “You’re not fine.” 

“Yeah, I am.” Suddenly, it hit her that she was letting him into her problems and giving him a window to Clint Walker, and she promptly panicked. “I have to go.”

He started to protest, but she cut him off. 

“Nate, I have to go. I’ll talk to you later.” She hung up the phone and started running. The sooner she could get to the house and lock herself in, the better. 

Block after block, her feet pounded the pavement, but as she was running, she saw familiar tufts of hair over a pair of sunglasses she’d recognize anywhere. “Jay,” she breathed. And then she yelled to him, “Jay!” She slowed to a jog as he started heading towards her. She crashed into his middle, throwing her arms tightly around him.

“What are you doing out here?” he inquired.

“Did Nate call you?” she asked. 

“No. Why?” 

She didn’t answer, just pressed her face into his button-up shirt and tried to catch her breath. 

“You’re shaking,” he observed worriedly. “Zee, what’s going on?”

“I need to get to Dad’s,” she told him. “Can you come with me? I don’t want to be alone right now.”

She didn’t care how stupid it sounded. She was afraid, and Jay was the one person that could calm her fears. 

“Yeah,” Jay said. “Okay, yeah.”

She grabbed his hand and held it tightly. “We have to hurry, though. Come on.”

He started jogging with her, but he kept asking questions. “Is this about Nate?” 

“No.” 

“Are you – Zee, did something happen?” 

She swallowed.

At her silence, he pushed further. "Are you in danger?"

“Yes. No... I don’t know.” She shook her head. “I don’t think so. Not for now.” 

“Stop. Zoey, stop.”

“I can’t,” she said. “We have to keep going. It’s not safe out here.”

“What the hell are you running from?” He didn’t seem concerned. That was a first. He was looking at her like… like he didn’t believe that anything was wrong.

She blinked in shock.

He leaned forward and put his hands on her shoulders. “I need you to fucking talk to me right now,” he murmured. “Look in my eyes.”

Zoey obeyed.

“What the hell do you think is out here? Why are you running?” When she didn’t answer, he added, “Nobody’s going to hurt you.” 

Zoey actually laughed. “Okay.”

“I’m getting really worried about you,” he admitted. “Will you please fucking talk to me?”

She cleared her throat to stall. What the hell was she going to say?

“Did you think you saw somebody?” he asked. 

There it was; the direct question. Zoey’s breath caught in her chest. Should she tell him? Should she keep her mouth shut? What the fuck was she supposed to do? 

She looked at the ground. “He came after me.” 

“Who did?” Jay growled.

“The guy. Just now. Right before I saw you. Please, can we just get to Dad’s?” 

“Did he touch you?” 

“No,” Zoey answered firmly. “I swear to god, Jay, he didn’t touch me.” 

“Let me go get him,” he insisted, but when he started to move, Zoey dug her nails so hard into his arm that he squawked. “What the fuck, Zee?”

“You _can’t_ ,” she said desperately. “Please, I’ll explain it when we get inside. Please, Jay. I’m… I’m really scared, okay? Don’t make it worse.”

Jay hugged her fiercely. “I’m not going to let anyone fucking anywhere near you,” he promised.

She pushed him off of her, appreciative of his words but desperate to get somewhere that felt safe. “Let’s just get to Dad’s house.”

Her flip-flops slapped loudly on the pavement, but Jay’s feet were pounding along the ground right next to her. She was terrified, but she felt a little better knowing that she wasn’t alone.

Once they were inside, Jay watched Zoey lock the door and pull the shade down. She covered every window downstairs and then collapsed onto the couch, her arms pulled tightly around herself. 

Jay crouched down in front of her and rested his palms on her knees. “Now,” he whispered, “will you please tell me what the fuck happened today?”

“I was at the gym with Nate. And then I went to the beach because it’s Wednesday, which means it’s my night for dinner. I had to figure out what I was going to make.”

Jay nodded, listening anxiously. 

“After like half an hour, I started walking home, but the guy came up and grabbed me. He, like. He pressed me up against a fence and got in my face.”

“What did he say,” Jay asked flatly.

“He wanted to know whether I’d told you guys who he was. I told him no, and he said to keep it that way. But he also told me that he saw fucking everything happen with me and you and Nate at the fight. Jay, he was there the whole fucking time! He saw it all. I’m-” She shook her head. 

Jay peeled her hands from around herself and wrapped them in his own. He shut his eyes, taking a deep breath. “Please let me murder him.” 

“Jay-”

“Let me. I will torture him so fucking badly that they’ll need his goddamn teeth to ID him. And they’ll never fucking find them. Please, Zoey, let me do this.”

Zoey’s eyes were wide with fear; she’d never seen her brother so serious about such intense violence. She shook her head. There was only one way to calm him down, and that was to confess how she was feeling. This was going to fuck up her life, but it was better than him fucking his up forever.

“I can’t right now,” she said sadly, “because if you leave, I’m going to hurt myself.”

She felt horrible – _horrible –_ using her pain to manipulate him, but it was all she had. As comforting as the thought of Jay destroying Clint was, she couldn’t let it happen. For Jay’s sake.

“No, you’re not,” he murmured, moving next to her on the couch. “You’re not gonna do that ever.” He pulled her into his arms, and she rested her temple on his shoulder. 

She hated herself. She was disgusting.

“You’re fucking safe here, you know that?” Jay asked, smoothing his hand over her long hair. 

Zoey shook her head.

“You are.” He kissed her forehead. “I’ll stay as long as you want, okay? Don’t even fucking think about dinner. We can order a pizza.” 

“’s too expensive,” she muttered.

“Who gives a fuck?” Jay asked, squeezing her to him. “Not me. I give a fuck about _you_. And pizza always sounds good.” They sat in silence, Zoey just trying to process and sit with her feelings like Sam had encouraged her to, and Jay trying to wrap his mind around how afraid and upset Zoey must have felt to have felt like her only option was to take it out on her skin.

Jay tugged the throw blanket over their legs and reached for the remote. “We’ll find a nice movie you can fall asleep to, yeah?” he asked. “Something easy.”

“Okay,” Zoey replied. It did sound pretty tempting to rest. And Jay would take care of her, which meant she was safe, and he would be, too. 

“Big brother always fucking takes care of you, yeah?” he asked.

She snuggled into his shoulder like she used to when she was a child, and he laid back on the arm of the sofa, pulling her down with him. 

ABC family was running the second Harry Potter movie. It was nearly halfway through when Jay located it, but Zoey knew the whole thing by heart anyway. She and Nate had nearly worn their VHS tape out from watching it so many times. That had been a Christmas present from Dad, one that Jay had tipped him off about since he couldn’t afford it himself. Within twenty minutes, Zoey was breathing evenly on his chest.

Jay reached carefully in his pocket and tugged out his cell phone. He opened a text to Nate and typed, _We need to talk._  

A moment later, his phone started vibrating. Jay shifted out from under his sister as smoothly as he could. Her eyes opened, but he softly instructed, “Go back to sleep,” and she didn’t even protest.

Nate’s voice was loud through the phone. “Where the fuck are you? Did you find Zebra?” 

“Yeah. I was out for a walk and just happened to fucking run right into her.” 

“What the fuck happened? I haven’t felt her that scared in… maybe ever.”

“How soon can you get here?”

“Jay,” Nate warned.

“I can’t do this with you over the phone. You need to come down here.”

“What happened?” the younger Kulina asked again. 

“She’s fine – she’s actually asleep right now. But I need you to come to Dad’s as soon as you can.”

“Jay, you’re freaking me out.” 

“I know,” the older boy sighed. “I’m sorry. I just - we have to talk about this in person.” 

“I’m leaving now,” Nate said.

Jay heard the unmistakable sound of a laptop clicking shut.

“I have my car,” Nate continued, “so I’ll be there in like five minutes.” 

“Good. When you come in, stay quiet, okay? Like I said, she’s sleeping. I really need her to fucking stay that way.” 

“Got it.”

“Okay. See you soon, man.”

“Bye.”

Nate was at the big house in four minutes instead of his estimated five. He came in and deposited his keys quietly on the counter. Jay walked up to him and motioned him to one of the bar stools.

“What the fuck is going on?” Nate asked quietly, taking a seat.

“Zoey was walking home from the beach, and the bastard that raped her? He fucking came after her. He went up and fucking grabbed her.”

Nate clenched his hands into fists. “And?” 

“And he didn’t rape her again, thank god, but she was really fucking freaked out. She was shaking when I found her. He saw her crying at the gym last week, I guess, because he started threatening her about us again.”

Nate ground his back teeth. “I’m gonna fuck him up.”

“That’s what I said, but she about clawed me to death.” Jay held out his arm for proof – between the bands of the right tribal tattoo, there were four little half-moons marked in his skin. “And then the next time I mentioned it, she asked me not to leave because she wanted to fucking hurt herself.”

“Fuck,” Nate muttered. “At least she’s talking about it, I guess. I did some research and that seems to be a step in the right direction.” 

Jay shrugged. “It felt pretty fucking awful sitting there not knowing what to do.”

“I can send you some stuff on self harm,” Nate offered.

Jay looked over at him, and Nate ducked his head.

“She’s talked to me about it before, and I didn’t know what the fuck to say, so I looked it up. They have all these [websites](http://www.lifesigns.org.uk/guidance-for-others/)... a lot of them are supposed to be for parents, but they kind of apply to siblings, too, so I read them. Some of them are like, [what to say](http://www.lifesigns.org.uk/how-to-react-when-your-friend-says-they-self-injure/), but other ones talk about how to fucking [deal with it](http://ihurtmyselftoday.com/help-for-families-and-friends/). And there’s this whole online community for family members of people that self harm. There’s a [chat room](http://www.lifesigns.org.uk/forum/), and I’ve never messaged anyone in there, but I read it sometimes. It makes me feel better that there are other people out there dealing with the exact same thing. They’re all British, but… at least it makes me feel a little better, right?”

Jay gave him a small, heartbroken smile. “You’re a fucking great big brother,” he whispered.

“I learned from the best,” Nate acknowledged.

Jay bumped his shoulder.

They both absently stared at the TV for a moment. 

“But seriously, Nate – what the fuck are we going to do? I’m not gonna let this bastard just fucking get away with this.” 

“He won’t. We won’t let that happen.” He sighed, though. “Cops can’t do anything, and I’m not saying it’s up to us, but…”

“But it’s up to us,” Jay finished. "So we're gonna figure out who the fuck it is, and then we're gonna beat his fucking ass black and blue." Jay shook his head. "Nate, I'm gonna fucking kill this motherfucker."

Resigned, Nate shook his head and went to crack open a beer. “Fuck.”

 

* * *

 

The pizza came at 7:15, and the three Kulinas stuck with the Harry Potter marathon on ABC Family. There was no sign of Alvey, though, which was odd. He should have been home long before dinner. 

Zoey didn’t mention cutting or the incident with Clint, but she hovered around Jay the whole rest of he night.

Her brothers were hesitant to let her go upstairs to sleep, but they knew based on the past few weeks that her body was still stuck on the shelter’s tight schedule. Every night at 10:30, she was out like a light. Jay sat in the doorway until he was a hundred percent sure she was asleep, and then he headed out for a run. He left Nate with his video games and instructions to call immediately if anything went wrong. 

“How was the run?” Nate asked when Jay came back. 

Jay caught his breath, removed a headphone, and panted, “It was excellent.” He headed for the kitchen. “Do you want some food?” 

“No. No, I’m not hungry yet. Thank you.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” 

“Did you ever hear from Alvey?” Jay asked.

“No. I tried Lisa, too, but I just got her voicemail.”

“Ahh. Me, too.”

Nate paused the game and handed Jay the check, which Nate had laid out on the coffee table to stare at. “Hey,” he said, “check this out.” 

Jay raised his eyebrows. “The fuck?” 

“Bob, the guy I'm training, put me on retainer for the month.” 

“Ten grand? Man, ten grand for the fucking _month_?” 

“Yeah, well, I'm a really good trainer,” Nate said defensively. “He's rich, dude. He just wants me to be available whenever he needs me.” He shook his head. “It's so fucking easy.”

“So, you're officially a personal trainer now?” Jay asked, a hint of teasing in his voice. 

“It's ten grand," Nate defended. "Okay, Dad's not paying me shit. This will cover me until I get another fight, all right? Hey, I can help with Mom's rehab.” 

Jay shook his head wearily. “Mom's taken care of, Nate. She's taken care of.” 

“All right, well, what if something else happens?” 

“Then you know what? You should start a fucking 401(k), a pension plan, you know? Save the money for yourself. Years, they go by, you know? Shit comes fast.”

Nate nodded absently. 

“God, you and Zee are gonna be rich. You’re gonna be so fucking rich,” Jay smiled. 

“Yeah, I hope so,” Nate muttered. “But hey – how is she getting all that money?” he asked suspiciously. 

“Hell if I know,” Jay sighed. “I’m gonna talk to her about that soon.”

“Okay. Let me know.”

Jay disappeared into the other room for what was left of the cold pizza. He grabbed the box and collapsed next to Nate on the couch. “You ready for Alicia’s fight tomorrow?” 

“Yeah, I think so. Dad said I have to corner her cause he’s not coming.” 

“What?” Jay asked, pausing with his slice halfway to his mouth and his eyebrows raised.

“Yeah. He told me this morning instead of explaining what the fuck happened in his office.” 

“Shit.” 

“Yeah. So that’s gonna be fun.” 

“Oh yeah, you gotta be sober,” Jay remembered. “Have fun with that.”

Nate snorted and unpaused his video game. “I’ll try. She better fucking win. I really think she will, but - she better fucking win.”

Jay hummed in agreement. He finished his pizza and stood up, brushing his hands off on his shorts. “Hey, Zee’s door is still open, right?” 

Nate shrugged. “I haven’t been up there.” 

“No? You said you’d check on her.”

Nate faltered. “Oh, shit, I did. I mean, you were only gone like an hour, and I'm sure she's fine."

Jay ignored him, abandoning the pizza box. He jogged up the steps and found Zoey’s door locked. He knocked sharply three times. “Open up,” he commanded. 

There was some fumbling and then the sound of a drawer slamming shut. Zoey unlocked the door and brushed some hair out of her eyes. “What’s up?” she asked, a wide smile on her face. 

“You’re supposed to be sleeping,” Jay accused. He was surprised to see her in a tank top for once; she always stuck to big sweatshirts or long sleeves. It was summer – it should have been completely normal for her to go without sleeves, but he’d become so accustomed to her hiding her arms that seeing them made him nervous. He had no idea what her skin looked like, and he wasn’t sure he was prepared to see it. 

She looked away and nonchalantly replied, “I had a weird dream. I woke up.”

“Yeah, I can see that,” he replied sardonically. “What are you doing?” 

“Nothing.”

He pointed behind her and softly asked, “Zee. What was all that noise?” 

“Nothing,” she repeated. 

“Let me see your arms,” he murmured.

“What?” she asked angrily. She backed up and tried to close her door, but he stepped into her room before she could do so. “Jay, stop.” 

“Let me see. I’m not mad.” 

“No fucking way. I’m not gonna let you see my arm,” she argued.

“Just show me,” he instructed, his voice still quiet. He took a few steps toward her. 

“No!” she cried, shoving at him.

He took the opportunity to grab her left wrist, which he quickly flipped over. It was littered with small pink and white scars, and blood was beading up on and seeping out of three superficial cuts in her skin. The injuries weren't bad, but the way she'd caused them made his heart ache. “Fuck,” he breathed sadly. He shook his head and let her go. “Put some Band-Aids on that, okay?”

Zoey yanked her arm back. Tears of embarrassment shone brightly in her eyes as Jay slid her nightstand drawer open and found a pair of blue craft scissors right at the top. He slid the blades apart, and yep - there was dried crimson blood staining the tips.

Zoey bit the inside of her lip but didn’t speak. 

“Zee, is this because of earlier? You’re safe here. I promise.” 

She looked away, crossing her arms over her chest. 

Defeated, he started to leave, but he changed his mind and paused in the doorway, scissors still in hand. “I’m here if you need me. Nate, too. Hey. Zoey, look at me.”

She glanced in his direction, the tears still pooled in her eyes.

“I love you, okay? But do me a favor – no more locking the door. At least for now.”

She was staring hard at the floor, and Jay could practically feel her desire to be alone.

“Alright,” Jay whispered softly. He left her door cracked open, but Zoey slammed it shut behind him. 

Nate had paused the video game again. Jay was sure he had been trying to listen in, but he didn’t ask any questions when Jay sank back down on the couch next to him, carelessly tossing the bloodstained scissors onto the coffee table. 

“Hey, those, uh. Those websites you mentioned?” Jay asked quietly. “I could really use them tonight.”

Nate rubbed a hand roughly across Jay’s shoulder. “We’ll figure it out. She’s tough; she’ll get through it. We’ll be fine.” 

Jay nodded and tried to smile.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for any mistakes  
> i barely had it in me to proof this week <3

Alicia’s fight came quickly. Zoey decided to attend even though Jay had made it clear that he’d hang out with her at home with her if she preferred. She didn’t feel much like watching a fight, especially after the last time, but after much internal debating, she figured that she would be safer in a room with three hundred people than she would be at home with just her brother. (Paranoia didn’t begin to cover it.) 

She decided that since she was forcing herself out of the house when she didn’t want to, she should be allowed to break Garo’s rules and dress down if she wanted. She walked to the car in a pair of denim shorts and a long sleeve black top. Nate and Jay both spent a second too long looking at her outfit, but neither of them commented.

“You ready?” Nate asked them.

“Ready,” Jay affirmed.

Zoey slid into the backseat, and they headed to the arena. 

 

* * *

 

Alicia was getting her hair done and snacking on the oatmeal that Ryan had made for her when her phone started buzzing on the table. She glanced at Alvey’s name on the screen and flipped it open. “Hey, Coach.” 

“Hey. Did you, uh. Did you eat something?”

She swallowed her bite. “Actually eating right now.” 

“Okay, good. Got it.”

At his distracted tone, she asked, “Where you at?”

“Uh, something came up,” he admitted with a sad sigh. “Listen, Alicia, I'm not gonna be able to be in your corner tonight, okay?”

Her eyebrows knitted together. “Why not?” 

“Well, it's... it's very personal. I don't want to get into it right now. I'm sorry.” 

She would have been angry, but Alvey sounded truly upset. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, fine, fine, fine,” he babbled. “Ryan's gonna be in your corner, and, uh, and my kids will be there, too. They know what to do, okay? Understand? I want you to go in there, I want you to take care of business, and you call me as soon as you're done so I know everything's okay, you hear me? What are you gonna do?” 

“I'm going to focus on what I can control,” she recited. 

“And?” he prompted.

She grinned. “And I'm gonna beat this chick's ass!”

Alicia could hear a faint smile in Alvey’s voice when he replied, “That's it, girl. Exactly.” He sighed again. “Alright. Go do your thing.” 

“Alright. Thanks. I'll call you right after.”

“Okay. Bye.” 

She snapped the phone shut and went back to her food and her stylists. 

 

* * *

 

“Zoey Kulina!” Mario crowed when his eyes landed on the three kids. 

Zoey tilted her head, not sure who this guy was, but she had to admit that it was nice to be recognized as something other than Jay or Nate’s potential girlfriend. Barf. She looked curiously to Jay, who grimaced. 

“What are you doing here?” her oldest brother asked, stepping slightly in front of his sister. 

The guy shrugged. “I heard you and Ryan were gonna be here. And better early than late, am I right?” 

“Yeah, okay,” Jay replied, fighting an eye roll, “but the fight’s not for two hours. And no cameras on me or Wheeler tonight.”

Cameras? Zoey raised her eyebrows. 

“We’ll see,” the guy shrugged.

“I mean it, Mario!” Jay called as he walked away.

“I hate that guy,” Nate grumbled when they were out of earshot. 

“Yeah, he’s… what’s the fucking opposite of ‘growing on me?’” Jay asked. 

“Who is that?” Zoey inquired.

“Just some fucking asshole reporter,” Nate explained. “He wrote this story on Dad while you were gone, about how the gym was collapsing. Which it wasn’t.” 

“And now you’re working with him?” she asked Jay.

He shrugged. “It’s better than nothing.”

Nate shook his head at Zoey. “He’s been following Jay around the gym and through fucking every day normal shit to make this like, mini documentary.”

“Yeah, but people know about Ry," Zoey pointed out. "They don’t know that much about Jay outside the cage. It makes sense.”

“ _Thank_ you,” Jay said dramatically, holding the fence door open for Zoey. They walked in just as Ryan was doing up Alicia’s tape.

“Punch. Grab on,” he instructed. When she nodded, he said, “Yeah? Good. Remember the game plan. Remember to breathe.

“Juan, looking good,” Jay grinned, pulling the other champion in for a hug.

“Joe, will you warm her up real quick? I'll be right back,” Ryan muttered. He walked over to where the three siblings were setting up “The Kulina kids,” he said. He smacked Nate on the shoulder and asked, “What's up, player?” 

Nate nodded at him.

Zoey got pulled in for a hug and a peck on the temple, and then Ryan turned to Jay. “Whoa, look at this snazzy suit,” he said. He glanced behind Jay on one side and then the other. “Where's your paparazzi?”

Jay looked at him, masking his emotions with a forced smile. 

“Take a joke, man. I'm just fucking with you,” Ryan said warmly. “You look good.” 

“Thank you. I feel good,” Jay replied politely.

“Okay,” Ryan said. 

Zoey looked over her shoulder at Wheeler and then slid her right hand into Jay’s left. Jay gave it a quick squeeze and then let it go. She tried not to take it personally.

“What the fuck?” Ryan muttered to Nate, who was still standing there, staring him down. 

“You're being a dick,” he said bluntly. 

“He's fucking with me, I'm fucking with him, dude. It's fine.” 

Nate looked after his brother and sister and then back to Ryan. “Did you talk to my dad?” 

“No, man. He just leaves me a message. He's like, "Corner her." I try to call him back. Nothing. What's going on?” 

Nate shrugged. 

“What the fuck,” Ryan sighed. 

Nate’s cell phone buzzed – his favorite guy from Grindr, Mickey, was asking if he wanted to hang out. Nate swiped a thumb distractedly over his mouth and shoved his phone back into his pocket without answering.  
  
“Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the cage, fighting out of Navy St. Mixed Martial Arts, Venice, California, here is Alicia Mendez!”

“Everything that we worked for. This moment,” Ryan reminded. “You go in there, and you fucking take it. Go inside.” 

The fight started, and Zoey was trying hard to pay attention, but it was too hard knowing that Clint Walker could pop up at any moment. 

“Be patient, Alicia!” Joe yelled, making Zoey glance up into the cage. “Be patient! You got to block those!”

 The crowd groaned, but Jay groaned the loudest. “Elbow!” he cried. 

She landed a clean kick, and Ryan cupped his hands around his mouth to shout, “Beautiful! Very good. There we go! Pummel. Pummel in. Use that! Use that fist! Position, Alicia.” He knew she couldn’t hear him – he could barely hear himself over all the shouts and applause – but he couldn’t stop the words coming out of his mouth. He wanted this win so badly for her.

“Oh!” he continued. “Hammer her! Come on, Alicia!” 

The bell rang, and Nate, Ryan, and Joe Daddy sprung into the cage.

“All right, listen. Fuck yeah,” Ryan grinned. “You keep doing what you're doing, you're gonna put this girl in the hospital. You got it?”

“Yeah,” Alicia nodded breathlessly. 

“Keep that pressure on. Stay aggressive.”

Alicia looked impatient. “Uh-huh,” she said, not taking her eyes off her opponent.

“Move her back with that jab. Don't forget the jab.”

“I got it,” Alicia snapped.

“Okay, give her some water.”

She shoved at Ryan. “Yo, get the fuck away from me, man. I said I got it!”

“Alright, alright,” Ryan said, his hands up. “Show me. Show me, alright? Your fight.” 

“You ready to fight?” the referee asked. He pointed at Alicia. “Are you ready?” At both their nods, he yelled, “Let's fight!” 

The second round barely lasted a minute before the ref was pushing Alicia back. 

“Come on!” Ryan shouted excitedly. “That's a win, baby!” 

“Ladies and gentlemen, the referee puts a stop to this fight at the second round for your winner by knockout... Alicia Mendez!”

Zoey beamed as Jay threw his arms around her. Nate careened into the cage with Joe and Ryan, and the three men lifted Alicia off the floor. 

“Navy Street!” the crowd chanted. “Navy Street! Navy Street!” 

A moment later, the ring of the phone sounded so quiet in Alicia’s ear compared to the volume of the raucous arena.  
  
“Hello?” Alvey asked, and Alicia couldn’t help but smile. 

“Hey!” 

“How'd you do?” 

“Hey, I fucking won! I – I beat her! I fucking knocked her out!” 

She heard pride in his voice when he replied, “Ah, damn right you did. I fucking knew it.”

She laughed gleefully.

“I knew you would. I knew you would do it. I did.” 

“Ohh, thank you,” she sighed happily. “Oh, my God. It was so much fun.” 

Alvey chuckled. “Yeah, I bet.”

“Look, I don't… I don't think we should wait too long. I want another fight, and I want it fast. What do you think? I mean, can we start looking for another fight?”

“Yeah, I mean, you know, we will. We have to see if it's the right thing, and, you know, make sure it works, that's all.” 

“I just... I don't want to let up, you know?”

“No, we don't – we don't – hey. We don't let up. We don't let up. We keep pushing, right? Never get soft. But you’ve got to enjoy this, you know? It's not easy doing what we do. Fucking hard earned. Alright? I want you to embrace the moment, Alicia.”

“I will,” she affirmed. 

“Look, I'm proud of you. I know... I know you had a tough time, but this is great. I'm really proud of ya.” 

Alicia hadn’t heard those words in years. Her voice wobbled when she said, “Thank you.”

Alvey was immediately reminded of Zoey. “Okay,” he muttered. “Good. Now go have some fun.” 

Alicia laughed. “I will. Bye.” 

“Okay. Bye.”

Ryan came over when she hung up. “Was that Alvey?”

“Yeah,” she answered, wiping away her happy tears.

“Cool?”

She laughed again. “Cool,” she agreed.

Ryan nudged her proudly. “Look at you,” he grinned.

 

* * *

  

“Hey, man. You see Walker’s here?” Jay asked Nate. 

“Clint Walker?”

“Yeah, dude. He looks fucking scary. Like, strung out. I bet he’s got a thing for Alicia though – keeps showing up at all her shit. Too bad he’s gonna have to deal with Ryan at some point.”

Nate ignored Jay’s made up potential relationship drama and reluctantly asked, “We have to go say hey, right?” 

“Alvey would want us to. Keep friendly fucking relations between the gyms, you know?” he replied, shadow boxing. 

“Alright, come on,” Nate groaned. “Let’s go find him. Then we can get Zebra and get out of here.”

Clint had gotten some new tattoos since Nate had fought against (read: defeated) him the year previously, not to mention his nose had been broken at some point, badly enough that it had formed into a slightly different shape. 

When he saw Jay and Nate coming toward him, he adjusted his shoulders and stood up a little straighter. 

“Hey,” Jay said brightly, sticking his hand out. “Clint Walker. What’s up, man?”

Clint just stared. 

“Alright,” Jay said, retracting his hand and awkwardly waving his arms out to the sides. “I see how it is. Friendly rivalry, eh?”

Clint glanced at Nate’s curious face and then tightly faked a smile. “Nah, dude, I’m just fucking with you,” Clint said with a laugh. “How are you guys?”

“We’re fucking great, man,” Jay smiled. They shook hands.

“Nate,” Clint greeted, getting close for a hug.

Nate grimaced uncomfortably but let it happen. “Hey.”

Nate’s blood suddenly ran cold. He glanced to his right and then to his left for his little sister, but she was nowhere to be seen. Fuck. Something was up with her, and he needed to get to her before it escalated like last time. 

“I heard your sister’s back now,” Clint said to them both, testing the waters, “and I heard some people saw her here tonight. How’s she doing?”

“Yeah, yeah, she’s good,” Nate assured. “We actually – we have to go find her.” He gave Jay a subtle look that said, _right now._

“Oh, yeah, we’ve gotta be heading home. Tons of shit to do tomorrow. You know how that goes.”

“Yeah. Well, it was good to see you guys. Tell your dad I said hello.” 

“Will do,” Jay promised. “Good to see you, too, man.”

Nate steered Jay away. 

“God, he gives me the fucking creeps,” Jay complained. “How was that hug, huh? Nice and warm?” 

“Gross,” Nate replied shortly. “Something’s wrong with Zebra.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. We have to find her. Now.” 

And then Nate was getting waves of terror. 

“Fuck,” he muttered, breaking into a jog. “Come on.”

 

* * *

 

“Nuh-uh, don’t you run away from me, little girl,” Clint hissed, grabbing Zoey by the back of her shirt. She broke out of his grasp and stumbled a few feet away, but there was nowhere for her to go. She’d been on her way to hide in the bathroom, but now she was trapped. Standing in the dark, narrow hall. With goddamn _Clint Walker._

“My brothers will fucking _kill you_ ,” she hissed. She backed against the wall and wrapped her arms around herself but tried to remain calm. He couldn’t hurt her here. Or at least, she thought he couldn’t.

“Oh, no, but you passed the test, sweetheart. You didn’t tell them.” He got right in her face. She cast her eyes down as he whispered, “You’re too fucking chicken.”

“They’ll figure it out eventually,” she murmured. 

With a laugh, Clint shoved her closer to the wall. “Yeah, but like I said – if they do, Nate goes bye-bye,” he taunted.

“Then stop coming after me!” she said, pushing him back. 

He just gave her that wolfish grin. 

Zoey took a shaky breath.

“Zoey!” came Jay’s voice.

“I was never here,” Clint said with a wink. He disappeared into the men’s room. 

“Zoey!” Jay called again.

Zoey broke away from the bathrooms and walked quickly toward her brothers. Her voice wouldn’t come out, but she didn’t give a single fuck. She just wanted to get the hell out of there. 

It felt horrible knowing that both Jay and Nate had spoken to and interacted amiably with the guy who raped her, but there was no way she could explain that to them. Her lips may as well have been sealed shut; she couldn’t say a single word. And worse, she couldn’t help but be pissed at them both on the way home. 

Several minutes passed, and Zoey got lost in replaying the memories in her mind. She tried to focus on playing the alphabet game with the street names and the signs hanging outside the stores (A in tAttoo parlor, B and C in the amBer Café…) but it was too hard to pay attention.

Her ears finally switched back to the present just in time to hear Jay say, “… time with it, I fucking do, but don’t take it out on us.” 

It took a minute for Zoey’s brain to catch up with her surroundings. She’d missed all of his words except for the very last few. She blinked slowly and pulled her legs to her chest. Sensing that Jay’s rant was over for the moment, she buried her face in her knees. She willed him to drive faster.

They got out at Jay’s, where Zoey bypassed the journal in her bag in Nate’s room and grabbed her scissors. The noise of the party was already loud, but she didn’t care; she took her time allowing blood to drip around the circumference of her wrist. She felt like she could breathe a little bit better than before. 

Her phone rang – Nate. She ignored it, taking a breath of relief when it stopped. 

But then it started again. 

It was going to be a long night.

 

* * *

 

“You sure you don't mind?” Mac asked, cutting up lines with his credit card.

“No, not in the least, Mackles. Please, pamper yourself,” Jay said. 

“You're not even gonna drink or anything?” 

“Garbage in, garbage out, Mac. I have had a tremendous camp. I'm not gonna fucking ruin it now.” He took a long sip from his water bottle for show. 

“Scale of 1 to 10, how bored are you right now?” Nate asked. He was sitting across from his brother, a shot in hand. 

“Ahh. Mm…” Jay moved his hand back and forth, deciding. “12?” He turned his attention back to Mac. “So – how is it?” 

“It's awesome,” Mac smiled. 

“Is it? Is it great? Is it brand new?”

“ _Brand_ new.”

“Tell me about it,” Jay said, looking away. 

“It's the best I ever had.” 

“Yeah? Oh, go on, Mac.” 

“It's clean, it's subtle…”

“Yeah? Any notes? Any flavors? Mmm?”

Mac swiped his finger through the powder and rubbed it on his gums. “Cinnamon.” 

“Mm.” 

“Zero coke shits.”

“Sure.”

Mac glanced at Nate, rolling up a bill. “Want some?” 

“He doesn't fucking want some. You kidding me right now?” Jay said, punctuating his sentence by grabbing the money out of Mac’s hand and tossing it into the pool. 

Mac groaned. “That was a $20.”

“I was kind of interested,” Nate muttered.

“No, you're not,” Jay told him. “Mac, my family has a history of addiction. I hope you'll respect that.”

Mac shifted awkwardly. “I wasn't thinking.” He pulled the drugs closer to himself. 

Nate’s cell phone buzzed on the table. Part of him was expecting it to be Zoey, but most of him was ready to see someone else’s name on the display. “Oh my god,” he sighed. “This fucking guy.” 

“Who?” 

“Bob. He's called me like six fucking times tonight.” 

“Well, yeah. For ten grand, Nate, I'm sure he expects you to pick up the phone.” 

“Yeah, well, it's one o’clock in the fucking morning. I'll call him tomorrow.”

“Buenos noches, Shelby,” Jay drawled as the girl sat down at the picnic table next to him.

“Hola,” she smiled.

“Might Mac offer you some of his devil's dandruff? Hmm?”

“Please,” she said, leaning over and easily snorting a line. 

“I like that,” Mac mused. He tried it out himself. “Devil's dandruff.”

 

* * *

 

“What's wrong?” Alicia asked breathlessly. She was on Jay’s couch, straddled over Ryan’s hips. 

“Nothing.” 

“Fuck me. Come on, fuck me.”

“Okay.”

“Fuck me. Fuck. Come on, fuck me!” She stilled. “What's the problem?”

“Nothing. I – I… I had some drinks. It's just taking a minute.” 

“Fuck,” Alicia sighed. “Fucking bullshit.” 

Ryan chuckled. “Hey. Don't get mad about it.”

“I am mad! I’m fucking pissed.”

“Well, calm down. It's not gonna fucking help. It's alright.”

“Ugh, god,” she complained.

“Hey, hey. Why don't you just go down on me for a second?”

“Cause I don't wan to go you, okay? I want you to fuck me.” 

“Okay. I am. I'm just... Give me a second, okay? Just give me a second. I got this.” 

Alicia shook her head and stood up. “Fuck this shit.”

“So-rry,” Ryan said sarcastically.

“Sorry, whatever, man. This shit's fucking weak.” She yanked her tank top down over her head.

He scoffed. “It's not... I'm not fucking t-”

“Whatever!” she interrupted angrily. “I'm gonna go get a drink.” 

“Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Stop. Are you actually fucking pissed right now?”

“Yeah, I'm fucking pissed! Are you kidding me?”

“Just sit down.”

“No.”

“Come here for a second,” he said, pulling her closer to him.

“No! _No!_ Dude, I just fucking won a fight. I want to celebrate. I want to fuck. But clearly you can't handle your liquor.” She chuckled darkly. “Fucking soft-ass dick. You're weak as fuck.” She stood up and started to leave. 

Ryan jabbed his finger toward her. “You ought to fucking learn how to talk to a fucking man.” 

She turned back to him, mocking, “A man? Where? Oh my god. There's a man here? I mean, I don't see one.

Ryan shook his head and looked away. “Sometimes I forget where you're from,” he muttered.

She immediately went on the defense. “Oh, and what the fuck's that supposed to mean?” 

“Nothing,” he replied flippantly, reaching for the alcohol on the table. “You're just a Miami street rat. It's not your fault. Nobody taught you any fucking manners.”

Her voice was dangerously low. “You know what? You should finish that fucking bottle. You're gonna need it.”

“Gracias!” he called as she walked away.

She fired a beer can at him and missed. 

“Hey, are you still gonna come over and clean? Señorita?”

She slammed the door. 

Ryan muttered, “Geez.”

* * *

 

Zoey found a guy passing out joints in the kitchen, and she took one and got a girl she didn’t know to light it before heading back to hide in Nate’s room. After the high hit her, she took the joint and went out to where Jay and Nate were sitting at the picnic table. 

“Hey,” Nate greeted.

Zoey nodded at him.

“Feeling better?” he asked.

“Yeah. Way better.” 

“Good.” 

A quiet fell over the siblings. They watched their party guests laughing, dancing, making out. It was strange; usually at least one of her brothers was drunk or high, but not tonight. Nate was a little buzzed off his shots, and Zoey was high, but Jay was stone sober. 

Zoey took the opportunity to say something she’d been thinking for a long time. “I really miss Lisa.”

Jay nodded at her from across the table. “Yeah, me too, monkey.” 

“Me three,” Nate agreed.

No one had anything to add, so it fell silent again. Zoey swallowed. “I’m sorry for being so fucking weird,” she mumbled.

Jay nodded at her, “No, it’s okay. I get it,” he said.

Zoey laughed a little to herself; he definitely didn’t get it. No one did. 

Nate looked at her, almost as though he was waiting for her to elaborate on her behavior, but she just wanted to get the apology out there. Clint was practically holding a knife over Nate’s throat. There was nothing she could say. 

She looked up at Jay again. “Hey, I forgot – Sam wanted me to ask you something.” 

“What? If it’s insurance stuff, he’s got to talk to Dad. You’re still on his til the year's up.” 

“No, nothing like that. It’s… how am I like mom? And how am I different?”

“Sam wanted you to ask me that?” Jay asked, his eyebrows rising.

“Yeah.” 

He stared at her for a second. “Are you high?” 

“Yeah,” she said again. 

“Okay,” he sighed. “Well, um. You do a lot of stuff the same. Like, physically. Your – what’s it called? Body language. You both sit with your knees up, and you laugh kinda the same. She always puts her hair behind her fucking ear like you do. And you both like to cook and rub Nate’s head.” 

Nate snorted. 

Zoey reached up and ran her hand over his fuzzy hair, giving him a small smile. He batted her away.

“But yeah, you’re different, too. She gets up way too fucking early and goes to bed early, and you don’t really do that. She talks to people she doesn’t know well about stuff that’s really… like, intimate. You don’t do that either.” 

Zoey nodded. 

“She draws. You read.” Jay shook his head. “I don’t know. Why did he want you to ask me that?” 

Zoey shrugged and looked away. “I don’t want to be like her, that’s all.”

Neither brother knew what to say, but they were saved by Ryan drunkenly heading to his car.

“Jay,” Nate said, standing and pointing at their friend.

Jay followed behind Nate, and Zoey trailed behind Jay, joint still between her fingers. She crossed her arms over her chest and shivered even though the air was warm. The concrete felt cool under her bare feet.

“Ryan, stop, man,” Nate called. 

“I’m heading home, guys. Great party, though.” 

Zoey stopped at the fence, just out of the glow of a streetlamp, but her brothers kept going, down the sidewalk and into the road. 

“What, are you walking me to my car?” Ryan inquired, his voice a little too loud.

Mac glanced over and headed that direction to help. 

“What a fine group of gentlemen!” Ryan continued.

“We’ll get you a ride, dude,” Nate told him.

“No, no. I’m all set, Nate. Thank you, though. I’m good.”

Ryan reached into his pocket for his keys. Jay grabbed at the handle of his best friend’s car and said, “Hey. _Hey_. You’re not driving. _Stop.”_

Ryan shouldered him hard. “What the fuck are you gonna do about it, huh?”

“Alright, relax,” Mac said, trying to seem calm.

Ryan turned back to put the keys in the door when Jay said firmly, “You’re not driving the car.” It was his big brother voice, the one that meant no nonsense was going to be tolerated. That was the voice that had shut down countless arguments between Nate and Zoey, that meant yes, it was bedtime, that meant what he said was final. But Ryan wasn’t having it.

“I’m fucking sick of you, man,” he spat. Zoey unconsciously slid forwards towards Nate. “I’m sick of all these fucking suits and your whole fucking routine. Your whole fucking routine, man. It's old.”

Jay raised his eyebrows slightly. “I-I'm sorry. I didn't know it was bothering you.”

“Really? Cause, you know, you've been punking me out to the press.”

“I think that's in your head, Ryan,” Jay said carefully.

“No, no, no. Say something now. Go ahead. Be Jay. Where's Jay?” 

“Okay,” Jay whispered softly. He nodded blankly, and Zoey drifted forward toward him again. Nate sensed it and held a hand back to keep her still. 

“Where's Jay? Say something funny,” Ryan taunted.

“Let's get you a ride,” Jay suggested. 

“You're fucking quiet now,” Ryan hissed.

Mac stepped between them. “Alright, both of you stop. Alright, come on. Let me drive you-”

The moment Mac’s hands made contact with Ryan’s arm, Ryan snapped. He threw a hard punch that landed square across Mac’s jaw. Zoey gasped, and Mac seemed frozen in shock, but Nate sprung into action.

“Hey! Jesus _fuck_!” Jay yelled, instinctively going after Mac to make sure he was okay. Nate, on the other hand, was more interested in taking Ryan out.

“Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!” Jay shouted, letting go of Mac and running after Nate, who had taken it upon himself to physically wrestle Ryan into restraint.

Zoey had both hands cupped hard over her mouth as she watched her three brothers grapple. Somehow – it was too quick and chaotic to tell what exactly happened – they were tipping sideways onto the ground in a tangle of arms and legs.

Ryan let out a scream. “Fuck! My fucking knee! My fucking knee, my fucking knee!” Ryan shouted, shoving at the two brothers. “Get the fuck off me! Get the fuck off me!”

Jay, who had Ryan in a headlock, let go of him and deposited him roughly onto the pavement. Nate stood up, hands shaking a little as he backed up, looking regretfully at what he and Jay had caused. Regardless, Zoey found her way to his side. The two stared worriedly down at Ryan, who was grabbing his knee over and over and digging his fingers into his skin. Jay pulled them from behind, tugging them away from his friend. 

Mac nursed his already-swollen jaw as the three Kulinas stood in a line and took in the sight in front of them. Any way they spun it, this was not going to end well. 

Ryan groaned angrily. “Jay, you fucking bitch! Fuck you!” He shoved his middle finger in his best friend’s direction. “Fuck… you! Fuck you and your fucking pussy brother!” 

Jay looked at the twins and then up at the stars. He exhaled heavily.


	17. Chapter 17

Zoey was sitting in Lisa's office with Nate when the desk phone rang. He answered it quickly, and she noticed him turn the volume down on the receiver even though it was low to begin with. 

Nate was speaking kindly, but all his answers were clipped. The person the other end must have said something about it, because Nate fumbled and then blurted out, “The cheese is in my lunchbox.” 

Zoey laughed, confused but still highly amused.

The person on the other end seemed just as confused, because Nate shook his head at himself but carefully repeated, “The cheese… is in… my lunchbox.” 

Zoey cackled. “What the fuck?” she mouthed.

He just rolled his eyes at her. And then, “Yes! Yes, exactly.” He chuckled. “Yeah, me too.”

Zoey went back to Slaughterhouse V as Nate continued his conversation. 

“Yes. Yeah, I’ll have it ready in a few minutes, and I’ll just call you on there. Okay, sound good? Great, thanks. Thank you! Yeah, me too. Okay, bye.”

Nate hung up the phone and grabbed the computer. “I’ll be right back,” he declared, abruptly leaving. The door clicked shut behind him.

A few minutes later, the music blaring through the gym shut off. Zoey glanced up from her book, but when nothing else happened, she looked back down. A few minutes later, Jay popped up in the window.

“Hey, Nate says to come out here,” he told her.

“What now?” she asked. He’d already made her clean a bunch of things that Josephina (Alvey’s sweet cleaning lady) typically worked on, and she’d had to fuck with a switchboard, which she had no idea how to even read, let alone press buttons on.

“I don’t know,” Jay lied. “Come on.”

She dog-eared the corner of her page and followed her eldest brother out to the main area of the gym. She tilted her head at the large projector screen. That was usually where Alvey showed film to his classes, but Nate’s computer was hooked up to it. The display focused on a Skype screen.

Once he saw Zoey was in the room, Nate pressed call on a profile that was just a seemingly random series of letters and numbers.

Zoey floated up to the computer, and Nate had her stand right in front of the camera. Several of the fighters were gathered around and smiling.

“What the fuck?” Zoey asked, but Nate just held a finger to his lips and pointed at the laptop.

Someone on the other end picked up the call, but the sound coming through the speakers was just a jumble of high-pitched voices shouting excitedly. The screen looked dark for a moment until Zoey could see little teeth right in front of the camera. 

“Back up, Ken,” someone said, and Zoey’s hands flew to cover her face. No way. 

“Okay, everybody sit down, sit down,” Ellen directed, and Zoey immediately had tears in her eyes. She watched them all crowd around Ellen, hanging off her arms and shoulders. When they all got further back and she could see what they were wearing, she promptly dissolved into tears. 

“Hey, Dolphin!” Jamie cried, and Zoey smiled so widely it hurt.

“Hi, guys!” she replied, laughing a little through her tears. 

“She talked!” Kennedy exclaimed. She pulled on Ellen’s sleeve. “Miss Ellen, she talked, she talked!”  
  
The children burst into chatter again, and Ellen had to shush them.

Jay came over and squeezed his arm tightly around his crying little sister.

“Look at their shirts,” Zoey murmured, another tear falling down her cheek. She didn’t bother to wipe it away. 

Zoey could hear Jo’s voice from off-screen. “Just like we practiced. Ready? Okay, one, two, three,” she counted. 

“Thank you, Dolphin!” the kids chorused. 

The people in the gym all _aww_ ed, and some even applauded.

“Did you guys like all the stuff?” Zoey asked.

“Yeah!” 

At that point, Ellen gave up on trying to control them. She backed up and let them all jump forward toward the computer.

“We all got matching t-shirts! And they fit!” Kennedy cried. “They’re so cool.” She dropped her voice to a loud stage whisper. “We’re trying to learn karate, but we can only do it when Miss Ellen can’t see!” 

Ellen shook her head in the background.

Zoey laughed. “Be careful,” she warned.

“We are!”

“Hi!” Tabby smiled, leaning up for her turn.

“Hey, Tab,” Zoey smiled.  
  
“Oh my goodness, it’s so cool to hear you talking!”

“Yeah,” Zoey agreed.

The younger girl said, “Thank you so much for sending us all the clothes! And the books, wow. I don’t know if we’ll ever go through all these!”

“Do you still read to them at night?”

“Of course,” Tabby smiled. 

“Good,” Zoey nodded. “They’re so lucky to have you.” She shook her head. “Oh my god, it’s so crazy to see all you guys! I miss you all so much. Catch me up.”

“You were here when Luis went home, right?” she asked. 

“Yeah.” 

“Yeah, I thought so. Okay, um. Well, Julia got to go home with her aunt and uncle, but she still comes to visit Kennedy a lot. And Sophie moved back in with her mom cause her dad went to jail again.” 

“Oh, thank god,” Zoey breathed.

“Yeah. She was really happy to see her little brother again. He’s so cute!” 

“But not as cute as meeee!” Jamie cried. 

Everyone chuckled.

“Okay, my turn,” Ellen said, sitting back at the desk chair that Tabby had taken over.

“Ellen,” Zoey smiled. 

“Hey, Dolphin. It’s so good to finally hear your voice!”

“It’s good to hear yours, too,” Zoey said truthfully. “Every night, I still expect you to call lights out.”

Ellen laughed. “Yeah. I’ve gone looking for you around here more than once.” 

“It’s true,” Jo added with a smile.

“Hi, Jo!”

“Hey, Dolphin.”

“You know, I still got your diploma framed up here,” Ellen smiled. 

Jay raised his eyebrows at her. “You graduated?”

She ignored him. “That’s awesome.”

“Whenever these kids say they ‘can’t’, about whatever it may be, I bring them here and point to your diploma and tell them about how you graduated high school and you couldn’t even talk.” 

“And I passed Spanish!” Zoey reminded proudly. 

“You sure did,” Ellen chuckled. “Well anyway, we just wanted to call and say thank you _so_ much for everything you sent. That was so thoughtful. And your sweet big brother Nate has been such a great liaison. We must have talked on the phone seven times.” 

Zoey smiled lovingly at him. He punched her lightly on the shoulder.

“Did everything come okay?” Zoey inquired. “And where did you get all those Navy Street shirts?!”

“They were in the top of the box with a note from your dad,” Ellen explained. “He said thanks for taking care of you and that they were a little something he wanted the kids to have.” 

Zoey was so surprised by the kind gesture from Alvey that she choked up again. Jay wrapped her in a hug. He leaned down in front of the camera. “Hey. I’m her big brother Jay,” he said. “Thank you so much for everything you did for her. We were worried sick, all of us. And then finding out she’d been safe because of you? That was…” Jay shook his head, getting a little emotional himself. “I can’t thank you enough, I really can’t.”

“It was easy, sugar. You raised a great girl,” Ellen smiled.

Jay squeezed Zoey tighter.

The call continued for about ten more minutes, and then they signed off. Zoey promised to call again soon. It had been so wonderful to talk to them.

Zoey couldn’t find Alvey around the gym, so she went into his office and left a message for him on his desk phone.

The voicemail beeped, and she softly cleared her throat. “Hey, Dad. I just got off Skype with Ellen and the kids at Reunited… I just wanted to say thank you for sending them those t-shirts. They were so happy to have them, and I’m-”

She swallowed, still so moved by the small gesture. God knew Alvey never did anything that wouldn’t benefit himself.

“They said they’re trying to learn karate,” she chuckled. “You made them really fucking happy. And… you made me really happy. So, yeah. Um. Thank you.” She almost said she loved him, but she thought that was taking it too far. She hung up the phone.

Nate was waiting for her when she exited their father's office. “Me and Jay are coming with you to therapy today,” he told her.

She blinked. “What?”

“Come on. We can talk in the car.”

Nate walked her to the parking lot. Jay was waiting by the car, and Nate unlocked it for him.

“Hey, monkeys,” he greeted. “You all done?” 

“You’re coming to therapy?” Zoey inquired. She wasn’t mad, but she was a little worried. She knew Jay had been upset about her cutting, but she didn’t know he was gonna drag his and Nate’s asses to Sam’s over it.

“Uh, yeah,” Jay said, glancing at Nate.

“Why?”

“We, uh. We called Sam the other night. When I found you with the fucking…” He trailed off, not wanting to say the words. “We called him, and he said he wanted me and Nate to come with you this week so we could talk about some stuff.”

“What stuff?” 

Jay shrugged. “He didn’t say.”

Zoey couldn’t tell whether or not he was lying, so she sat back in her seat and watched out the window in silence.

When they got to the office, Nate parked in Jay’s usual spot without knowing. The three Kulinas got out, and the boys followed Zoey into the office.

“Hey, Charlie,” she said to the redheaded girl at the desk.

“Hi, Zee. Hi, Jay. Who’s this sexy thing?”

Jay grinned at his little brother.

“This is my other brother, Nate,” Zoey explained.

“Oh, I didn't know you had another one!" And then to Nate, "It's very nice to meet you! I’m Charlie,” she said with a smile. 

Nate nodded at her.

“You can have a seat. Sam’s wrapping up some paperwork, and then he’ll be right out.”

“Thank you,” Jay told her. He sat down and tugged Nate down into the chair next to him. “Come sit with me, you ‘sexy thing,’” he mocked.

Nate rolled his eyes. 

Zoey tapped her foot anxiously on the carpet. She hated that she hadn’t had any warning before this appointment. Jay had always been open with the kids; it wasn’t like her family to keep her in the dark about things. It was more like _her_ to keep _them_ in the dark. Now that the tables were turned, she didn’t like it. It felt like an ambush.

Sam opened his door a few seconds later and had a quick conversation with Charlie before ushering the Kulina siblings into his office. Nate spent a moment studying the cling Sam had attached to the wall. "Sorrow looks behind; worry looks around; hope looks ahead," it read in a fancy brown script. It was cheesy as fuck, but even Nate could admit that it was true. 

“Jay, good to see you,” he said to the oldest boy. “And Nate.” The two shook hands. “It’s so nice to finally meet you.”

Zoey raised her eyebrows, and Sam explained, “We’ve been talking on the phone for a while.”

She didn’t know whether to be relieved that Nate was finally talking to someone or nervous that likely much of it was about her. She was still conflicted when she sat down, but she was quickly distracted. 

“So, as I’m sure all three of you know, I suggested this session to Nate,” Sam said, taking his usual seat and picking up his clipboard.

Jay nodded, but Zoey just stared blankly at Sam. 

“I have some things outlined that I want to bring up, but I also want you to be able to talk about whatever you want. Is there anything that anyone wants to start with?”

There was a bit of quiet, and then Jay said, “Me.”

“Go ahead,” Sam prompted.

“Um, I don’t know how the fuck to do this, but I want to talk about all the, uh. The cutting.”

Zoey nodded slowly. “It feels good,” she said. 

Sam knew Jay was looking for more than that, so he prompted his patient with a question. “Zee, do you remember what we talked about in one of our early sessions about why you hurt yourself? Can you tell them why you cut and what you get out of it?” 

“It feels good,” she repeated. “I do it for the pain, I guess. But it doesn’t really hurt like normal. I don’t know. And it makes me calm.” She shifted awkwardly when no one said anything. “That’s it,” she said, still keeping her eyes on her therapist.

Sam nodded at her and then looked to Nate and Jay. “Cutting is a release. When people engage in self harm, the pain forces the brain to release endorphins, which are chemicals that make you feel good.” 

Nate nodded knowingly. He'd done his research.

“How does it make you guys feel when you know Zee’s been cutting herself?”

The middle Kulina cast his eyes down.

“It fucking sucks,” Jay said with a humorless laugh. “I feel like there’s nothing I can do. Like… why didn’t she just come to me, you know? Why isn’t she letting us fucking help?”

His tone proved that he wasn’t attacking her, but his words dug into Zoey’s skin nonetheless.

“I was trying to keep you out of it,” she admitted. “It’s a big fucking mess, and I didn’t want you involved.”

“Why?” Nate asked, almost angrily. “We’re your family; that’s what we’re here for.”

“It’s too much.” 

“What’s too much?” Sam asked.

“The darkness." She swallowed. "I left, but Ryan brought me back, and I’m supposed to be okay now. I was trying to be okay.” 

“Zee, you still couldn’t fucking talk when you got here,” Jay reminded, trying to stay patient. “We knew you weren’t okay. And it was fine! We just wanted you home.” 

Nate nodded in agreement. 

“It doesn’t feel good enough,” she said, absently kicking her left foot into her right ankle. 

Jay reached into her lap and grabbed her hands. “You are good enough,” he told her. “You’ve always been fucking good enough.”

She swallowed and tried to nod. 

“Zee, your brothers love you very much,” Sam said softly. 

Zoey shut her eyes.

“I know that there’s been a lot of pain in your lives, all three of you. You’ve all had very different experiences in life, but you still love each other unconditionally. That’s an amazing place to be. I want to talk about how we can solve some problems, though. Nate, the next time your sister feels an urge to cut, what would you suggest she do?” 

Zoey looked across to where he was sitting. 

“Fucking tell us,” he muttered. “Like Jay said. Just come talk to us. Please.”

Zoey nodded. She felt awful. She hadn’t known it was affecting them so much.

“That’s good advice,” Sam said. “Your family is often the best place to go when you’re in pain. They know you better than anyone.”

All three Kulinas nodded.

When there was more silence, Sam prompted them again. “Do you guys have any questions for each other? Or for me?”

Jay shifted on the couch, turning closer to Zoey. He dropped his voice to a whisper and asked, “Who’s the guy?”

Zoey leaned away, shaking her head firmly. 

Jay cracked a sad smile. “Come on, monkey. Who’s the fucking guy?”

“Jay,” Sam warned.

“Why is she protecting him?” Nate snapped.

“It’s not about him,” Sam reminded. “This is about what happened to Zee.”

“But why is she doing this?! Has she even told you who did it?” 

Zoey froze. 

“You know I can’t disclose that, Nate,” Sam replied easily. 

She relaxed a little. “You didn’t want to talk about what happened to you, either,” she reminded Nate. “With those Mexican guys.” 

“Yeah, and look what they did. They fucking came back. They had a gun on you.” 

He was angry, but she was just tired. “They had a fucking gun on you, too. But you didn’t want to talk about them, and I don’t want to talk about him. Please stop trying to make me. Both of you.” 

“This is different,” Nate said. 

“It’s exactly the same! They did something bad to you, and you wanted it to go away. Now I just want this to go away.”

“It’s not that simple,” Nate argued.

“It really is.” She sighed. “Look, I don’t want to fucking fight. Just please stop asking. Both of you.” 

“Zebra, he’s coming after you. We know he is – you don’t get that fucked up for no reason, and you literally told us. You’re not safe, but how are we supposed to help when we don’t know who the fuck we’re trying to keep you away from?” 

“It’s not your job to protect me.”

Jay snorted. “Yes, it is. Literally, it is.”

“Well,” she replied shortly, “I’m seventeen now. I'll be eighteen soon.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean shit to me. You’re my kid,” Jay said. “That’s never gonna change. You’ll be forty-five and you’ll still be my kid.”

She buried her face in her hands. This sucked. She wanted to leave, but she remembered that she was supposed to sit still and feel her emotions. She took a deep, shaky breath. 

Sam noticed and gave her a smile. “Good job,” he encouraged. 

Nate and Jay looked confused, but neither Sam nor Zoey explained. 

“Let’s talk about some coping skills,” Sam said. “Do you guys know what those are?”

“I read about it online a little,” Nate said at the same time Jay replied, “Nope.”

“Okay. Coping skills are things you can learn that will help you deal with stress. For example, Zee’s been journaling when she gets upset. That’s something that’s been helping her. Another example is that she cuts herself. That’s technically a coping skill, even though it’s not a good one.”

“Well, I can’t anymore anyway, cause you took my fucking scissors,” she snapped at Jay. 

“I’m not sorry,” he said wearily. 

Sam ignored the spat and continued. “Pretty much anything can be a coping skill – playing with a pet, writing, cleaning… even taking a shower. Can you guys give me some examples of how you cope?” 

“Drugs,” Jay chuckled. 

“Okay,” Sam said seriously, making a note on his clipboard. “What else?” 

Jay raised his eyebrows, surprised that his joke of an answer had passed. Sam sensed it and explained, “It’s a way you’re getting rid of stress. It may not be legal, but it’s a coping skill.”

“Sex,” Jay tried.

“Sex is a great one.”

Nate shook his head at Zoey.

“What about you, Nate?” Sam asked. 

“I don’t know,” he mumbled. 

“You play video games,” Zoey offered. “And you cook.” 

“The cooking is a stress reliever?” 

Nate rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh, yeah. I don’t do it a lot. Just kinda for… fun.” 

“Then that counts,” Sam said warmly. 

“Honestly, I usually just go to the fucking gym,” he admitted. 

“Working out is one of the most effective coping skills,” Sam replied. “It's great for your body _and_ your mind. That’s excellent, Nate.” He looked to Jay. “What we’re trying to do with Zee is get her to turn from self harm to more positive coping skills. This will take practice, especially after she’s gotten used to cutting, which is an instant high, but I know she can do it. New coping skills may not feel as good physically, but in time, they’ll work just as effectively.” Sam glanced at his clock. “Let’s talk about some things you guys like to do together.”

The discussion quickly shifted to movies and baking. The rest of the session went smoothly, and all three Kulinas were left feeling a little drained but generally positive. It was certainly better than the session with Dad that Nate had stormed out of.

Nate turned on the TV, and he took a seat in his normal spot across from Zoey, who fell asleep on her end of the couch. A few minutes later, Jay started snoozing in his armchair where he stayed until Nate quietly woke him to go to the gym.

An hour later, Jay was breathing sharply, but Nate kept pushing him anyway.

“Get in position,” Nate instructed.

“Thanks, coach,” Jay panted. 

“All right? Push!”

“Fucking perfect. Nice, Nate,” Jay said, exhaling slowly. “That was good.” Nate tossed him a towel and a water bottle, and he cooled down a little before asking, “Was he here this morning?”

Nate gave him a sideways glance. “No. Or yesterday.”

Jay nodded. “He's gonna drop out.” 

“You don't know that.” 

“Alvey will talk him out of it,” Jay insisted. 

“Depends on how bad the knee is, Jay.” 

Jay took a deep breath and blew it out. 

“Don't worry about that. You worry about you. That's it.” 

“You're right. You're right, coach,” Jay replied, smiling at his little brother. “I'm gonna be positive for a change. How about that? Phew!” He kicked back on the mat. “I'm going to see Mom. Join me? God knows Zee won’t go.” 

“I have to train Bob,” Nate muttered. 

“Fuck Bob. You need to fight.” 

“Yeah, I'm gonna talk to Dad about that when he gets back.” 

“All right. We got to get you back in this.” Jay pointed at him. “If Ryan comes, you let me know?” 

“Yeah,” Nate promised. 

“All right. Take that.” 

Jay headed for the lounge to make his smoothie. When he got there, Alicia was hanging out on the couch with a girl he didn’t recognize. She was beautiful. He opened the refrigerator and took a long look at her. “Hello,” he said. “You must be the sister.”

The girl immediately argued with him. “ _She's_ the sister. _I'm_ Ava.” 

“Hmm. I am Jay Kulina. I assumed that Alicia was the pretty one, but… well, clearly it's a goddamn dead heat!” He chuckled.

“Well, we got something for everyone,” Ava remarked. She glanced at Alicia and then said to Jay, “Guess who's older.” 

Jay made a mock horrified face. “I would never.”

“Oh, come on. Guess,” Ava said, snuggling into her sister.

“Oh, Ava, come on,” Alicia protested. 

“Guess!” 

Jay sniffed, moving to stand directly in front of them. “You wanna play?” he teased, and they both laughed. He crouched down. He looked at each girl individually and then together. “Alicia's younger, “he decided.

“Aw, that's…” Ava sighed, but Alicia was grinning. 

“Ahh, I love you so much,” she told him. 

“Mm? Wow.” 

“I'm a year older,” Ava informed.  
  
“That was a guess, truly. You're both stunning. Ava… 'twas a pleasure. We love your kid sister, and I think we take tremendous care of her. In the words of your people, adios,” he said, shaking his ass on the way out.

“You better!” Ava called after him.

 

* * *

 

Ryan’s appointment with Dr. Ember had gone less than well and ended with a confusing prognosis. Basically, it was up to Ryan to decide whether to fight, and that fucking sucked as far as Alvey was concerned. “What do you want to do?” he asked in the hallway.

“What do you mean? I'm not gonna pull out of the fight. Is that what you're talking about?”

“Yeah. All right. Good. Well, stay off it today. We'll see how it feels tomorrow, and then we'll take it from there.”

“I don't want anyone to fucking know how bad this is,” Ryan said, hobbling out on the crutches.

“How fucking bad is it?” Alvey asked, catching the meaning behind the words. “Ryan. _Ryan._ How bad is it, dude? Can you fight or not?” 

“Yes, I can fight. I'm just saying, as… as Jay's dad, I hope you can respect your position as my coach, too.”

"’As Jay's dad?’ Really? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You think I'm gonna tell the guy you're fighting about your fucking injury?” 

“I fucking hope not,” Ryan replied.

“Oh, really?” Alvey asked incredulously. 

“No disrespect. I'm just making sure,” Ryan answered airily.

“A _lot_ of disrespect. _Lots_.” 

“I'm just making sure,” Ryan noted.

“Come on. Walk,” Alvey commanded, rolling his eyes. “I think you got hit in the head,” he muttered.

 

* * *

 

 

A little while later, Alvey was back at the gym watching his sons wrestle in the cage. They were aggressive, hard, and unforgiving. Alvey liked what he saw, but he needed to break it up. He’d gotten that burst of courage, and he needed to act on it now before it vanished forever. “Boys. In my office,” he called. “Find your sister, I know she’s around her somewhere.”

Nate tugged out his mouth guard and said, “She’s upstairs in the tiger class with Joe Daddy.” 

“Go get her, ” Alvey directed. Jay followed him into his office but halted as Alvey stopped in his tracks. The older man watched his secretary sweeping up the glass from the trophy case he’d smashed a few days before. “Shelby, you don't have to do that,” Alvey said.

“Oh, Nate asked me to. I don't mind,” she explained.

“Oh,” Alvey replied awkwardly. “Well, thanks anyway.”

“I got you a green drink,” she offered, pointing to a glass bottle on his desk. “It's good for your skin.”

“Great. Uh, thank you. Just give us a few minutes.” Zoey and Nate had appeared in the doorway, and Alvey motioned them forward. “Hey, come on in, guys.” 

“Hi, Shelby,” Zoey smiled.

“Hey, girl,” she replied.

“Sit down,” Alvey directed them. Then to Jay specifically, “You look good.”

“Yeah,” Jay grinned, bumping Nate’s bicep. “I got a mean coach.” 

Alvey shut the door and went to lean on his desk. The three kids were sitting side by side, smashed together on the couch. He didn’t want to do this to them. God, he really didn’t want to do this to them. 

“Alight,” he sighed. “I got something I'm gonna tell you three, and then we're never gonna talk about it again, okay?” He scrubbed a hand over his face and said quietly, “Lisa lost the baby a few days ago. I don't have much information, but… he's gone.” 

Jay was frozen, but Nate’s eyes widened in shock and sorrow. Zoey looked as though she was about to cry. 

“Is Lisa okay?” Jay whispered.

“I think so. I don't know, but I think so.” 

“Do we know what happened?” Nate inquired. 

“I don't know. I – I, uh, got a call from her father. He told me about the baby, and… and he said Lisa didn't want to talk to me. So I don't have any information yet.” 

Alvey watched as Zoey slipped a hand into each of her brothers’. “Let's just keep this between us, though, okay, because I – I don't want anybody else knowing. I don't want that. Okay?”

At Zoey’s worried look, Alvey added, “I'll be okay.”

Jay stood up and moved toward his father, catching the older man in a hug. Nate and Zoey stood up and followed suit.

“I love you kids,” Alvey whispered. “I love you kids. You know that.” He patted each of his sons on the back and kissed his daughter’s head. 

“You, too,” Nate murmured. 

“Love you, Dad,” Jay said. 

Zoey didn’t say anything but did take a moment to hug her father around the middle again after her brothers had let go. He held his rainbow baby closer to his chest and squeezed, pressing his lips into her hair. “My little girl,” he murmured.

She shut her eyes and tried not to cry. God, she was so fucking selfish. But she needed this. She needed this every fucking day – it would never get old. Why was it only when he was sad that he loved her? Why wasn’t her normal self good enough for him? All she wanted in the world was for him to love her as much as he loved Nate. 

Alvey let go of her, and Zoey rubbed at the tears in her eyes. Luckily, none had fallen. Nate caught her hand and led her out of the office.

“Let’s go home, yeah?” Jay asked quietly, holding the door open for them. “We’ve had a big fucking day.” 

Alvey watched his children leave, their training and reading materials forgotten as they headed out to the parking lot. They all looked so sad. Alvey wished he could feel as sad as they looked.

 

* * *

 

Jay popped some frozen macaroni in the microwave for dinner, and Nate brought a stash of pillows and blankets into the room Jay normally slept in and dropped them unceremoniously in the middle of the floor. They ate slowly and turned on Pretty in Pink. When the movie ended, it was quiet. Zoey floated over to Jay to get a French braid, and then she laid down in Nate’s blanket nest. God knew she was more comfortable on the ground anyway. 

Jay stretched out on the couch and watched his little siblings talk with their expressions for a minute before he put on Ferris Bueller's Day Off. It was past the shelter’s bedtime already, so Zoey fell asleep quickly, but Nate and Jay were up for a long time.

“Should we call?” Nate asked, his eyes on the ceiling. The movie played softly in the background, but neither Kulina was paying it any attention.

“I don’t know, man.”

Nate turned on his side to look at his big brother. “What the fuck are we supposed to say? I mean, do we even know where the fuck she is?”

“San Fran,” Jay replied. 

“Yeah, but like, we couldn’t send her flowers or go visit if we don’t know exactly where.”

“Maybe we can call Ron,” Jay suggested. 

“He won’t tell us anything. Sounds like she doesn’t want anything to do with us,” Nate muttered.

“No, she doesn’t want anything to do with _Alvey_. That’s different.” 

“I guess,” Nate agreed. 

“It is,” Jay insisted.

Zoey shifted in her sleep and Nate stilled for a moment, making sure she wasn’t going to wake. 

“I can’t fucking believe this happened,” Nate said sadly after she had stilled again. 

“Yeah, me too,” Jay agreed. “I wonder why. I fucking hate the universe sometimes.”

“Yeah.” 

“At least Lisa didn’t really want the baby,” Jay said softly. “I mean, it sucks for me to say that, but… maybe it’s for the best.” 

Nate shook his head. “I don’t know. I was getting kind of excited, to tell you the truth. Maybe she was, too.”

“I know,” Jay sighed. 

Silence fell.

Jay looked down at him. “Hey, uh. How long you been talking to Sam?”

“Um,” Nate stuttered awkwardly, looking away. “Since the second time Zebra saw him.” 

“Do you wanna do therapy?” Jay asked. He didn’t sound accusing, just curious. 

Nate blinked. “What? No. No, I just. It’s nice to have someone, like, impartial to talk to about all the shit that goes on.” 

Jay nodded. “I get that. I just thought – maybe after what happened, you know? And it’s not like we couldn’t all fucking use it.” 

Nate huffed a soft laugh. “That’s the fucking truth.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im back on my meds and i dont feel that much better, but i do have more motivation to write than ive had in months. this fic is officially finished on my computer. i have this chapter and then one more, and it's onto glory and gore, which will be part iii. i already created a page for it so yall could find it ahead of time if you like. i somehow have the first chapter and a half done already.   
> also, i started my new job this week, and instead of nannying like i've been for the last year, im actually working at the school i graduated from. im in the preschool working in the after-school program (it's a private school). i dont super love it, but its not bad. and the kids are pretty cute. i get to read to them every day.  
> i hope all yall are doing good and that you enjoy this chapter.

Nate was nearing the end of a brutal set of bench presses with his father.

“Come on. Two more, two more, two more…” Alvey urged. “Push! One. Good, good, good, good. Pop it. Pop it. Come on. Come on, come on, come on.” 

Nate let the bar clatter loudly back onto the rack. 

“Nice! Good job,” his father praised. “How do you feel?” 

“Good,” Nate exhaled.

“Doc Ember wants to see you for a follow-up.”

“I'll give him a call. If he clears me, I want to fight.” 

“See what he says. If he clears you, we'll get you a fight. If that's what you want. I'm not gonna stand in your way.” 

Nate ignored his father’s lack of support and switched gears. “When did you talk to Ember?”

“This morning.” 

“What'd he say about Ryan's knee?” Nate asked, trying not to sound curious.

“It's fine.”

“Is he gonna fight?”

“Yes, he's gonna fight. Stop asking me questions.” Then he added, “What happened to Ryan's knee, anyway?”

“Whatever he said happened,” Nate replied breezily.

“ _Whatever he said happened_. Of course.” Alvey shook his head. “Let’s go. Give me 10.”  


* * *

 

Zoey liked to ride the guys that paid for her. Of course, she’d do it how they wanted, but she was at her most comfortable when she was on top. She didn’t feel restrained or scared, and it gave her a false, twisted sense of security.

This guy she was with, however? He was all tacky tattoos and long hair, and he kept calling her "dude." She picked him up outside a surf shop – she should have known. He had her on her back with her legs up, and he was intent on causing pain. She could handle a little, but she hated every second of it. She allowed it, though, because she probably deserved it.

When it was over, she charged him fifty dollars more than her normal rate. Even with two hundred dollars in her hand, she still felt dirty. She yanked her red sundress down over her head, fumbling with the straps as she stepped into her flip flops. She couldn’t wait to get the fuck out of this apartment.

 

* * *

 

 

“7, 8, 9… One more… aaand 10. All right, good work.” Nate had a white towel slung over his shoulder. He held a water bottle out to his client. “Good work. Let's get you stretched out. Go ahead and lay down.” When the man didn’t move, he said, “Bob.” 

Bob grabbed the water bottle. “You're unbelievable,” he spat, shaking his head. 

“What?”

“I’ve been holding my tongue this entire session. You're not gonna apologize to me?”

“For what?”

“I called you eight times to train the other night. Eight times I called you! You didn't pick up once. Not once!” 

Nate looked away, almost amused. “Bob, it was midnight.” 

“So what? I paid you ten grand, didn't I? Huh? I was fucking clear on what I expected from you. Be available to me. I need you whenever I call you. Okay? Any time, day or night. I told that! Did I not say that?”

“I apologize. I didn't know that's what you meant,” Nate said, trying to calm the man. He was getting hysterical.  
  
“Okay, do me a favor. Just get the fuck out of here, okay? Please? You know, I'm trying to help you out, and - and - and you're gonna shit on me? I don't need it. I don't need it.” 

That pissed Nate off a little. “I wasn't shitting on you, Bob.” 

“Yeah, okay,” Bob snapped, shaking his head. “Just pack up your stuff and leave, okay? You're a nice kid, Nate. I'm just paying you to leave now. That's what I'm paying you for. Please. Go.” He paused and called after him, “Make my smoothie before you go, will ya?”

Nate fought the urge to roll his eyes as he yanked his bag onto his shoulder. “Sure.”

A siren wailed in the distance.

 

* * *

  

That night, Zoey made an excuse up for Jay about a book she wanted that she’d left at Alvey’s. She grabbed Nate’s bike (which had sort of become _her_ bike now that he’d adopted that rundown car) and headed to the big house. She wasn’t there for a book, though – nothing of the sort.

She headed straight for her father’s bedroom and went quickly to his dresser. She couldn’t remember anymore which drawer it was that Jay had told her never to touch, but she was going to find out. She worked through every one, yanking out socks and boxers, growing more and more desperate as she went. 

She had a sinking feeling in her chest when the object of her search wasn’t in the top row, and by the time she got to the bottom, she was a puddle of frustrated, desperate tears. Fuck. _Fuck._  

It was gone.

 

* * *

 

 

The front door banged open and then shut, interrupting Jay’s solo shadow boxing session in front of the mirror. “Hey,” he greeted, arms out.

“Yo,” Nate replied, rushing into the bathroom and flipping the toilet lid up.

“Any news on Ryan?” Jay asked, unfazed by Nate unzipping his pants and taking his dick out. A steady stream of urine fell into the toilet.

“Uh, Dad took him to Ember, so whatever it is, he's gonna fight,” Nate replied. 

“So, how badly is he hurt?” Jay inquired.

“He's not gonna tell me that,” Nate said, already flushing the toilet.

Jay turned on the sink for his little brother. “But he's gonna fight, right?”

Nate swiped his hand under the water and took the hand towel that Jay held out for him. “That's what he said.” The two brothers exited the bathroom together. 

“Psh! Then I got nothing to worry about,” Jay grinned. 

Nate turned on the Xbox, sank onto the sofa, and turned on the TV.

“Alright, I'm gonna be heading out for the evening. Hold my calls,” Jay joked. 

The game picked up right where Nate had left off, and he was immediately absorbed.

“How do I look? Hmm?” Jay asked, doing a twirl. When Nate didn’t respond, he asked again, “Hmm?”

“So good,” Nate replied breathlessly. 

Jay deflated. “You're not even looking at me.”

Nate glanced up and then let his gaze return to the game. “I like the... floral shirt,” he lied.

“Mm. Mm-hmm.” Jay had had enough. He grabbed the remote off the coffee table and switched the TV off. 

“Bro!” Nate yelled.

Jay pointed a finger right in Nate’s face. “You need to turn off these fucking video games and go outside and play.”

Nate rolled his eyes, huffing a laugh. It had been dark for hours. 

“You understand me? I'm serious, though. You know, your brain is made out of neuroplasticity,” Jay announced, rubbing a hand over Nate’s head. “You fucking watch this shit long enough, it's gonna... it's g-gonna re-carve the pathways, man. That's science. Go outside.” He dramatically sniffed the flowers on the end table, grabbing one and taking it with him. “Nature… _God's_ video game”

Nate chuckled as Jay headed out the door, but his peace was short-lived; his cell phone buzzed in his pocket a moment later. He sighed at the Caller ID. “Hey, Bob. What's going on?”

 

* * *

 

 

“I don't think you understand how big a star your sister is going to be,” Jay told Ava.

“Oh, whatever, man,” Alicia laughed awkwardly. 

“Whatever?” he repeated.

“Yeah, whatever. Did Zee put those flowers in your hair?” she asked, motioning to the two yellow blossoms he had tucked behind his ear.

“Who?” Ava asked.

“My kid sister, and no she did not; I did that all by myself,” Jay said proudly. “And I’m not done. Look at her. Look at that. Take a good, long, hard look at that face. She's beautiful, and she can fight. I'm not saying she can fight, like, for a hot chick. Yeah. She can dominate a bitch. Was she always like this?” 

“She was always mean, but she wasn't always hot.” 

“Mm-hmm,” Jay said, easily able to visualize Ava’s words.

“Ali was a late bloomer.” 

“You know what, guys? Can we just not talk about this?” Alicia asked.

“What? I mean, you're fucking hot now. Who cares?”

“I care. Are you kidding me? That shit was bullshit. Everybody always loved Ava cause she was the tiny little pretty one.”

“She was the bodyguard,” Ava sassed.

“A bodyguard?” Jay laughed.

“That makes it better?” Alicia asked. 

“There's a little fire between the two of you,” Jay noted, popping his gum. “I like it.”

Ava saw her window. “Okay, well, then, fucking sit down and have a drink with us,” she proposed.

“No, ma'am. I have a fight to prepare for against my best friend and her boyfriend.”

“Wait. Boyfriend?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“He's _not_ my boyfriend,” Alicia protested flatly.

Jay gave her a look. “But... you make love, no?”

“We fuck, “ she corrected, “yeah, occasionally.”

“And you argue,” he reminded. “Therefore…” He tapped his chin. “Mm-hmm. You're in a relationship.”

“I agree,” Ava piped up. 

“Mm-hmm. She agrees.”

“No.”

“He's your boyfriend.”

Alicia shook her head. “Mnh-mnh. I'm good.”

“I think that's fucked up that you're fighting your friend,” Ava said softly. 

“Well, as you'll come to learn, it's a pretty fucked up business. Mm-hmm.” Jay pushed off the table and stood up. “I am gonna go use the restroom, and then I'm gonna head home.” He pointed at each girl. “Stay out of trouble. I will see you at work tomorrow, Alicia. And Ava? Don't leave town without saying goodbye.”

She smiled slyly at him. “We’ll see.”

 

* * *

  

Alvey got home with a bag of takeout and had just settled down to eat it when there was a muffled cry from his bedroom. His hand slid to the knife in his back pocket as he stood quietly and crept toward the source of the sound.

There was silence and then another sob, and Alvey stilled. “Lis?” he asked, but his voice was barely more than a whisper. There was no way he’d been heard. He gripped the knife tighter and slid forward, quickly pushing the door open. 

Zoey was sitting on the floor, crumpled against his dresser. There were clothes strewn across the floor, like she’d turned his drawers inside out looking for something, and all his blankets had been torn off the bed. His nightstand drawer was lying on the floor next to his pillows.

“Zo, what the fuck are you doing?” 

She shook her head, trying to pull herself together. She stood up and headed for the door as if to leave, but Alvey held a hand out to stop her.

“No, no, no. What are you doing in here, huh?”

“I was, um. I was just… I can clean up.”

“What were you doing?” he repeated.

She looked away and conjured an excuse. “I can’t find my Harry Potter sweatpants,” she said. That part was at least true. 

“And you thought they’d be in here?” Alvey asked skeptically. Still, he motioned her to the door and slid the knife back so she wouldn’t see it. “Nate’s been borrowing them. Go look in his closet.”

She nodded and opened Nate’s closet door. Sure enough, they were at the top of a stack of pajama pants. She hugged them to her chest, still feeling low as fuck but a little bit glad to have them back in her possession.

Alvey was waiting for her in the hall. “Let me make you a drink, yeah?” he asked.

She nodded and rubbed her nose, considering. “Okay.”

 

* * *

 

“Hey, Nate. How are ya?” Bob asked when he answered the door.

“Hey,” the boy replied, more than a little confused. He’d pulled up to the house to see several fancy cars parked along the street, and inside, there were easily thirty guests in cocktail attire.

“Come on in. Good to see you,” Bob said, as though everything were perfectly normal.

“Hey. Uh, I thought you wanted to train tonight.” 

“Well, I did, but, you know. I kind of lost the urge.” 

“Got it,” Nate said, trying not to let his nerves take over. He definitely had a weird vibe. Maybe it was just Zoey, though. “Well, uh, I can just come back in the morning,” he offered. 

“No, no, no, no. Listen, listen, listen.” He took Nate’s bag off his shoulder and laid it by the door, and then he tightly wrapped an arm around Nate’s shoulders. 

Yeah, the guy was definitely drunk.

“Nate, first of all, I wanted to apologize for my tone this morning, okay? Right or wrong, I was out of line.”

Nate nodded. “Uh, it's all good. It's all good. Just give me a call, and we'll do a session.” 

“No, no, no, no. Stay. _Stay._ Look, I got a nice group of friends here, very nice friends, old friends of mine… And you're here. Have a drink. What do you say?” 

Nate glanced around uncomfortably at all the high heels and suits. He dropped his voice. “Am I dressed okay?”

“Yeah, you're a trainer. You look great.” Bob raised his voice a little. “Hey, everybody! Say hello to Nate Kulina. He's my personal trainer. He's also a professional MMA fighter, if you can believe that.” He chuckled at Nate’s sweet face. “What are you drinking? What are you having?”

Nate faltered. “Uh, vodka or something?”

“How about a White Russian?” Bob suggested.

“Sure.” Yeah, Nate could stay for one free drink. That could be alright.

“Okay, good. Say hello to my friends, and I'll bring it to you.”

A few sips, though, and Nate was starting to feel woozy. He knew he should stop drinking, tell Bob he didn’t feel well, and go home, but he didn’t feel like he was in any shape to drive. He fiddled with the Band-Aid on his thumb and fell gracelessly to the edge of a couch where he stayed, silent and dizzy, until a girl with long blonde hair took his hand and led him to a back bedroom.

There was a man sitting in the bed, drinking from a tumbler, and Nate felt his eyes linger a little too long on his chest before the girl was turning him around so she could unzip his jacket and slide it off. He lifted his arms as she peeled his shirt over his head, but he was on autopilot. There was no awareness. Things were just happening, and he let them, simply going through the motions. 

She pushed his shoulders down so he would sit on the edge of the bed. He had no control of his body, so he was forced to watch her strip off her dress, her breasts right in front of his face. God help him, he wanted to kiss them. She was so aesthetically beautiful.

But he was confused, so confused. He’d already forgotten how he got into the room with her. Did he agree to go with her? What was her name? Where was he?

The girl brushed her hair back and leaned down to kiss him. His body responded immediately, open and pliant, and he let her lay him back across the bed. She kissed him in a line down his chest, and the man who had been resting against the pillows came up and kissed Nate on the mouth. It was wet and hot, but Nate couldn’t process it correctly. It was _badwrongwrongwrong_ , and he didn’t know how to make it stop. Even if his brain hadn’t been fuzzy, he couldn’t have moved his hands, his mouth… His body had stopped working, but he didn't feel afraid.

It was all gentle fingers and slow kissing, hands in places Nate normally would almost never allow. He was so tired. The guy kept kissing his mouth as the girl slipped Nate’s dick into her mouth. He started to try to sit up, and even though he couldn’t have gotten very far, the guy physically restrained him and moved his lips to Nate’s neck. It scared him, but part of him recognized it as sexy. Nate gave in and just let them do whatever they pleased. 

He didn’t notice Bob standing there watching the whole thing.

 

* * *

 

Zoey drank the alcohol that Alvey gave her and kept the sweatpants close. Her father didn’t press her with too many questions, just wanted to know if she was so upset because of what he’d told her about Lisa and the baby.

She said no. That was the truth.

After a while of quiet, she asked, “Is it okay if I stay here tonight?”

Alvey nodded. “Of course.”

She looked at him. “Thanks. I’ll put all your stuff away. Sorry about that.” 

He waved a hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it. I needed to clean all those drawers out anyway. You got me to stop fucking putting it off.” He cracked a small smile, but she didn’t return it.

“Okay,” she sighed. She picked the sweats back up into her arms and crossed the room to put her glass in the sink.

“Hey,” Alvey said, and she turned. “You really sure you don’t want to talk? I’m, uh. I’m here.”

She nodded and wrapped her arms protectively around herself. “I’m good.”

He nodded tiredly. “Alright. I’ll be down here if you change your mind.” 

Alvey listened to her gentle footsteps retreat upstairs, and then he flipped open his phone. He clicked to his call log and pressed one of the top names.

“Hmm. Hey, coach.”

“Hey. Did I wake you up?” 

Ryan’s voice was soft and scratchy, but he truthfully answered, “No, no. I'm just, um. I'm just laying in bed. What's up?”

Alvey sighed. “I got some bad news, Ryan. Uh. Uh, I wasn't even sure if I was gonna tell you or not, but I don't think it fucking matters at this point.”

At the pause, Ryan pressed, “What?”

Alvey tapped his fingers against his glass. He thanked god that he wasn’t there to tell this to his fighter face to face. Seeing the looks in his kids’ eyes was bad enough. “There's a problem with the baby. We lost it. It's gone. Li… Lisa's okay, though, you know, physically. That's about all I know.”

Ryan gaped. “Alvey, I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say.” 

“I know, and I appreciate it.” He cleared his throat. “Anyway, I. I know how important she is to you, so I-I figured you should know, too.” He glanced at the ceiling as he heard the shower in Zoey’s room turn on.

“Yeah, yeah. Thanks.”

“All right, we'll get after it tomorrow, okay?”

“Cool. Hey, uh, Alvey.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Do you think it'd be all right if I called her?” 

Alvey rubbed a hand over his tired eyes. “Why don't you give it a few days, Ryan, okay?” 

“Okay.” 

“Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.”

 

* * *

 

Nate breathed deeply as someone tapped him on the back to wake him up. He was greeted with a colossal headache, and he couldn’t stop the pained moan that spilled out of him. “Ohh…” 

“Good morning,” a voice said over him. “I'm Will. I'm Bob's assistant.” He was very matter-of-fact with a hint of an English accent. “Take your time. Get dressed. I'll meet you in the kitchen.”

Nate blinked into the sunlight and yanked the covers protectively over his chest as the guy walked out of the room. He recognized the space from the mental snapshots he still had of what had happened last night. He came to Bob’s to train, but they never did. Things were weird – all those people in his house were dressed up for a party. And then the drink – _fuck._ The drink.

Nate quickly put his clothes back on, ignoring the sore spot between his legs. His mouth was dry, and the air around him smelled like stale perfume. He angrily yanked his jacket on, pissed at Bob, pissed at the guy and the girl that were in here with him last night, and mostly, pissed at himself for being so stupid and so fucking weak. He should have fought the drug, but he didn’t even try. What the fuck was wrong with him? 

He swallowed thickly, trying to get the vile taste out of his mouth, but it was to no avail. He punched the pillow, but all that did was piss him off even more. It was too quiet, too soft. He needed more. 

He collapsed onto the edge of the bed and fought the tears threatening to spill out of his eyes. God, what would his father say if he knew what a pussy Nate had been the night before?

Nate turned and looked at the rumpled sheets; at least they’d allowed him to sleep it off, he supposed. At least he hadn’t been dumped in some back alley to be preyed upon by god knows who. But was this all part of Bob’s plan? Hire Nate to be a pretty face with a nice body? Someone to get fucked? God, had Bob been involved in all this?! That would explain the exorbitant amount of money he was being paid.

Nate stopped his pity party and let himself get pissed again. He stormed out to the kitchen, where he found Bob’s assistant. “What the fuck happened to me last night?” Nate demanded. 

“I don't know,” the man answered tonelessly, focused on the spreadsheet on his laptop.

“Bullshit,” Nate spat. 

“I wasn't here, Nate. I don't know.”

“You look like you do,” Nate accused. The man wasn’t making any eye contact with him; that was exactly what Jay did when he was lying. 

“I'm sorry. I don't.” 

“That piece of shit put something in my drink.” 

The other man crossed to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of juice. He set it on the counter in front of Nate.

“Are you fucking listening to me right now?” Nate asked angrily.

“Yes.” 

“Well, where the fuck is he?” 

“He's on a plane.” 

Nate slammed his hand onto the laptop and shoved it to the floor.

The assistant wasn’t fazed. “He'll be back in a month,” he said shortly.

“Where the fuck is he?!” 

“He's on a plane to London. He'll be back in a month,” the guy repeated, picking up a yellow envelope. “He wanted me to give you this. It's another ten thousand to keep you on retainer.”

Nate snatched it and threw it on the ground. “I don't want this,” he hissed. “You think I want the fucking money?” 

“It's for the month,” the assistant explained tiredly. “You won't even see him. Just... take the money.”

“I don't want the fucking money. I don't want to know where the fuck he is and why he isn't here, cause if he was, I would beat the fuck out of him right now.” He knew his words weren’t meaning as much to the assistant as they normally would, because he could feel the tears shining in his eyes. He felt fucking pathetic. He forced himself to take a breath. “What's your fucking name? Hmm? What's your name?” 

“Will."

"Tell him, Will. Tell him I'm gonna fuck him up.”

Nate breathed shakily as he stormed out, ignoring the teapot screaming on the stove.

 

* * *

 

 

“Doing what I'm doing, this fucking loop? Same shit, day in, day out. I destroy myself. Then I peel myself off the floor. I puke it out. And I work it out. And then I talk it out twice a week with you... my emotional stripper. But you could give two fucks about what I'm saying. You're probably thinking about lunch right now, Doc. No offense.”

“Everything's off. Across the board, everything's off. I miss Lisa. I need her here. The gym's not the same without her. I don't know what it's gonna be like, though, if she comes back. I haven't heard from her. It ain't gonna be the same.”

“Everybody's looking at me for something, you know, like I'm supposed to supervise their fucking lives, like... I'm hanging on by a fucking thin thread here, Doc. I sit still, and my chest gets tight. My fucking ears ring, and I feel like I'm gonna die. I fuck myself up over and over and over again, and I can't stop. I can't. Truth of it is, I think it's keeping me alive.”

 

* * *

 

**9:21 AM**

**N** : _Where the fuck are you?_

 **Z** : _My room at Dad’s. Why?_

 **N:** _Can I come over I need to talk to you  
_ **N:** _Or not talk. I don’t know_

 **Z** : _Yeah. Are you okay?_

 **N** : _No_

  

Nate showered at Jay’s and then went to see Zoey at the big house. He went into her room without knocking and shut the door behind himself. She looked up from her book and watched as he crossed the room and removed his shoes. He crashed down next to her and declared shortly, “I don’t want to talk about it.” 

She nodded. “Okay. Is it okay if I keep reading?” 

“Yeah.” He grabbed the pillow she wasn’t leaning on and laid his head on it, staring at the wall. 

“Okay.”

She rested a hand on his short hair, running it back and forth to soothe him the way Jay used to do for her when she was ill. He shut his eyes and tried to stop thinking about the previous night. He listened to his best friend turn page after page, but his brain was ticking too hard for him to relax. Zoey must have sensed it, because after a while, she started to read out loud.

“Later, I walked toward the dorm circle beside Alaska,” she said softly, which didn’t make sense at first, but he soon realized she must have been reading that book about the girl named Alaska that always made her cry. She kept lightly rubbing his hair. “The cicadas hummed their one-note song, just as they had at home in Florida. She turned to me as we made our way through the darkness and said, ‘When you're walking at night, do you ever get creeped out and even though it's silly and embarrassing you just want to run home?’  
  
“It seemed too secret and personal to admit to a virtual stranger, but I told her, ‘Yeah, totally.’  
  
“For a moment, she was quiet. Then she grabbed my hand, whispered, ‘ _Run run run run run_ ,’ and took off, pulling me behind her.”


	19. Chapter 19

“Nate? Nathaniel!”

Dogs barked in the distance as Nate headed into the house.

“Nate?!”

“What?” he asked, exasperated. Then his eyes landed on Jay, who was sitting on the toilet. “Oh, fuck!” he groaned.

“You're safe,” Jay assured, neon green underwear pooled around his ankles. “The pooping has ceased.”

Nate shook his head. “Okay. What do you want?” 

“Well, Nathaniel, I'm ready for my oatmeal.” 

“I'll leave it on the counter,” Nate told him. “I’ve got to run by the gym and make sure your kit's all good.”

“Your preparation is meticulous,” Jay declared. 

“Thank you.”

“I'm honored to have you in my corner.”

Nate started to walk away when Jay added, “We have to pick up Mom at rehab.” 

His eyebrows creased. “Can she be out that late?” 

Jay shrugged. “Apparently, she got a pass. Wait – hold on a second.” He let out a blast of gas, and Nate backed away, headed back to the picnic table outside. “Oh. I have a poop wave coming.” 

“Ugh.”

“Privacy, please,” he said, swinging the door shut. He clicked a new text message that had appeared – Ava. Sweet. 

“Big night tonight,” he’d written an hour before. “Wear a dress.” 

Her new text read, “I like it when you boss me around.”

“Hmm,” Jay hummed to himself. “Rawr!” 

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey, did you hear Miley Cyrus is pan?” Zoey asked Nate, glancing up from her phone. The siblings were taking a TV break that afternoon before they had to be down at the arena for the fight.

“Sexual?” Nate filled in.

“Yeah. Apparently did she did some interview with a magazine and told them that."

He shifted awkwardly. “No. But that doesn’t surprise me.” 

“Me either. I just hadn’t heard that til today.” 

They fell back into their companionable silence. A few minutes passed, with just the murmur of the TV.

“Hey, can I ask you a question?”

Zoey didn’t move her gaze away from her phone. “Sure.” 

“Is there anything that would make you hate me?”

“What?” she asked, looking up at him. “Like if you killed somebody?” 

Nate shrugged, realizing he had treaded into dangerous territory and couldn’t take the question back. “Yeah, I guess.” 

Zoey sensed his anxiety and sat up a little straighter. “Nate. Of course not. You could piss me off really bad, but I’d still love you.”

“Like Dad?” 

She nodded. “Yeah, exactly like Dad. He’s an asshole, and he’s the most selfish, self-centered bastard I’ve ever met, but I still love him. I’ll always love you way fucking more than him, though, so don’t worry.” She smiled. “Why? You wanna date Miley?”

Nate shrugged again, ignoring her teasing. “Just wondering,” he mumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Wait,” she said, realizing what they’d just been talking about. She looked carefully at her brother's face and grew concerned. “Wait. Nate… are you…?” 

“What?” he snapped. 

“Are you coming out to me right now?” she asked softly.

Nate stared hard at the carpet for several seconds. Zoey was holding her breath, begging him for a reaction. She didn’t care what the answer was; she just wanted to know. This was her big brother – her super private, overly secretive big brother. 

With watery eyes, he looked up at her. “Yeah,” he confessed, his voice scratchy from emotion. “I’m... Zoey, I'm gay.”

Zoey got up, phone discarded on the arm of the sofa, and moved right to her brother’s side. “I don’t care if you like boys or girls,” she said, weaving her fingers through his, “or both. You can love whoever the fuck you want as long as you’re nice to me and you still want to hang out. I love you no matter what, Nate. Okay?”

Nate smiled, letting his tears spill over. 

“No, no, don’t do that ,” she hummed, wiping a tear away with her thumb. “You’re gonna make _me_ cry!”

He chuckled, but that just made more hot tears spill down his cheeks. He wiped them away, a little embarrassed. 

“Why are you crying, huh?” she asked, rubbing at his arm. 

“You won’t think I’m stupid if I tell you?” he asked. 

“No. Promise.”

He nodded and then admitted, “I was scared.” 

“Did you really think I wouldn’t love you anymore?” Zoey asked sadly. “You’re really my best friend, Nate. I’m not just saying that.”

He nodded. “I know. It sounds dumb now to think you wouldn’t, but you never know.” He sniffed hard and wiped his nose on the back of his wrist.

She hugged him tightly, pulling his chin down to her shoulder. “I love you.”

“You, too.”

“You’re the best.”

“I know,” he deadpanned, sitting back up. 

“Hey!” she cried, swatting his arm. “You’re supposed to say I am, too!”

“I am, too,” he repeated. 

She laughed and leaned her head on his shoulder. “You suck.” 

“That’s what brothers are for,” he reminded, but he leaned down and kissed her hair.

She beamed. They stared at the TV for a moment before she asked, “Hey, uh. Does anyone else know?”

He shook his head. “Just you. So don’t fucking tell, okay?”

“No, I would never.” 

“I know.” 

She glanced at his watch and then leaned up to kiss his cheek. “I have to go get dressed, but I’ll always be here if you want to talk about boys,” she teased.

“Shut up,” he smiled. 

“ _You_ shut up!” she called as she disappeared into his room.

 

* * *

 

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome. This is the night that we have all been waiting for; Ryan Wheeler versus Jay Kulina. I'm Jenn Brown, and with me tonight is the always-dapper Kenny Florian. All right, Kenny, where do we begin? We have two great fighters, very close friends, both coached by Alvey Kulina, who, oh, by the way, just so happens to be Jay Kulina's father.”

“Yeah, there's a lot to untangle here. I know Jay and Ryan. They're both good guys, great friends, but there's been a surprising amount of animosity leading up to this. These guys are very different both in personality and fighting style. Jay we all know. He's a big personality. He enjoys the spotlight. In conversations I've had with the guys around Navy St., he has clearly gotten under Ryan's skin a little bit. Wheeler... he's a different animal – very reserved, quiet. He takes a businesslike approach that I think is serving him well. I expect an aggressive and brutal fight here. I can't wait to see how these two match up.”

“Indeed. And let's not forget Alvey Kulina. What's going through his mind on a night like tonight?”

“Yeah, this is a very difficult position for a coach to be in. Only one of these guys can win, and that's gonna change the entire dynamic of the gym. Publicly, Alvey says he's neutral. He's not cornering either fighter tonight. But it's human nature to pick a favorite, and when he does, the other fighter's gonna know. As a fighter, you can just feel it. I'd be very surprised if both of these fighters remain at Navy St. after tonight.”

“Well, one would think there's only room for one, right? And one thing is for sure – it certainly puts Alvey in a tough position.”

“It does, and it's unfortunate because I know he cares about both these guys a great deal. Obviously, Jay's his son, but he's really raised Ryan as a fighter. He discovered him. He's given him a second chance. And with the passing of his father, there is a lot of history there. It's a tough situation, but it's a tough sport.”

“So many storylines, so much drama, but, Kenny, one thing's for sure... we are in for a great night.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Hi,” a girl said, walking into the dressing room.

“Hi?” Zoey replied, turning away from Nate, who she’d been playfully sparring with. The girl had Navy Street credentials around her neck, but Zoey had never seen her before.

“I'm Ava. I'm a friend of Jay's.”

Zoey looked the girl over. Seriously? She looked like a hooker. “I’m Zee. I’m his sister.” 

“Oh, wow, hi,” Ava replied, clearly surprised. Maybe Ava thought Zoey looked like a hooker, too. “Uh, I just... My – my sister trains with him. She's... She's a fighter.” 

“Alicia?”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s her.” 

“She’s great,” Zoey smiled, loosening up a little. “We love her.”

Ava smiled back. “I’m glad.” She pointed at Jay. “Um, is he sleeping?”

Zoey chuckled. “No. He's just getting ready. He likes to get ‘in the zone,’ as he says.”

“Okay. I'm gonna go say hi to him.” 

Zoey shook her head. “Oh, no – he doesn't like anyone to talk to him.” 

“Okay,” Ava said. “I'll be quick.”

She ignored Zoey’s second attempt at stopping her and headed right for the eldest Kulina. That didn’t sit right with Zoey – it was rude and incredibly disrespectful to both Zoey and Jay. She glanced at Nate, who was staring after Ava, clearly annoyed.

“Hey,” Ava said, tapping the oldest Kulina on the chest. 

He flinched hard, eyes flying open as he yanked one of his headphones out. 

She gasped a little at his reaction. “Sorry.”

He exhaled heavily when he saw that there was no emergency. He knew it wasn’t time to fight yet because his playlist still had at least three songs in it. He let his eyes fall shut again. “That's a beautiful dress,” he commented slowly. 

“I wore it for you. I came to wish you good luck.”

When he didn’t respond, she started to walk away, but he reached out to grab her hand. “Don't leave without me tonight.”

She nodded and whispered, “I won't.”

Zoey and Nate stood together, watching Ava in distaste as she left the room. Jay slid his headphone back in, and Nate smacked his mitts together to get Zoey’s attention. The two youngest in the room resumed their light sparring session.

 

* * *

 

“Well,” Alicia sad, “it's a pretty fucked up night.”

Alvey blew a raspberry, and Alicia laughed.

“Got that right,” Alvey mused.

The two had gone to a bar across the street to kill some time before the fight and get some real alcohol.

“Who do you want to win?” Alicia asked conspiratorially. 

“I'm more worried about who's gonna lose," Alvey admitted.

“It won't leave the bar,” she urged.

“You really think I'm gonna answer that fucking question?” 

She laughed. “Come on, man. I won't say anything. Who do you want to win?”

He scoffed. “It's in the hands of God almighty, Jesus Christ, the fucking Buddha. How about that?”

“I didn't know you were so religious,” she replied.

“There's got to be some motherfucker to blame for this,” Alvey muttered, shaking his head.

Alicia’s smile subsided. “Hey, man, you know what? I'm… I'm sorry for what happened to Lisa. That was… It's pretty terrible.”

“Who told you about that? Ryan?”

Alicia looked away.

“Does everybody know?”

“Look, I'm not trying to get into your shit or anything. I just felt like it was weird if I didn't say something.”

Alvey put up a hand to stop her. “You're good. It's fine. Thank you.” 

“How is she?” Alicia asked. 

Alvey could tell she was honestly concerned, so he humored her with an answer. “She's struggling, you know? To be honest, it's a f- it’s a very difficult situation. Lisa's strong. She really is. She'll get through it. She'll be fine. As far as you're concerned, don't worry about it. Nothing is gonna slip through the cracks.”

“Fuck, Alvey. Come on, man. That's not why I brought it up.”

“No, I... I brought it up. I brought it up, you know? The training that we do, the fights that we get you, the sponsorships... none of that's gonna go away. I'm getting a lot of calls about you. I just want you to keep doing what you're doing, all right? Stay focused. Your life's gonna change. You got to be fucking ready. You ready?” 

She gave him a small smile, and he held up his glass for a toast. They each downed a shot.

 

* * *

 

Jay’s playlist ended, and he got up and started shadow boxing. Nate gave Zoey’s shoulder a squeeze and headed over to his big brother. “Ready to get warmed up?”

Jay nodded. 

Nate undid the clasp on his necklace and murmured, “Listen, Ryan's knee is not okay.” 

“Don't care, don't want to know,” Jay replied, not taking his gaze off the wall in front of him.

Nate kissed the cross charm and handed the necklace back so Jay could put it in his pocket. “It's a fight, Jay. You got to take advantage, all right?” 

Zoey shifted uncomfortably. She was not prepared for this fight.

“I'm not going after his knee,” Jay insisted. He cupped a hand around Nate’s head. “He is fit. He is strong. He has zero limitations. That's the only way I can think about him right now.” 

“I'm just giving you the information.” 

“Mm-hmm.”

“Okay?” Nate slid out from under Jay’s grasp and smacked the mitts together again. “Let's go.”

  

* * *

 

 

“Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Sure.”

“How fucked up is your father?”

Alicia chuckled. “Now, what makes you think that?” 

“Well, number one, you're a fighter. Number two, I met your sister, and I think you might be the normal one.” 

“Oh, come on,” she snapped, “you've barely even talked to her.” 

Alvey almost laughed at how defensive she got. It reminded him of Nate. “Nah. I'm just saying. It's in her eyes, you know? I married one like that.”

Alicia took a deep breath. “Oh, boy. Um... I mean, I guess we had kind of a fucked up childhood. Our mom passed away from breast cancer when we were young... and my dad's in prison.” 

Alvey swished his drink around his mouth and swallowed. “Ah. What'd he do?” 

Alicia’s voice dropped in sadness. “He raped one of the girls in our building." She added, "It ended up being one of Ava's friends. I'm sure there was probably more, but that's what they got him for.

“Fuck,” Alvey said. Maybe he wasn’t doing so badly after all.

“Yeah. You know what, though? Look, I'm here. I'm not dead.”

“Nope.”

“I'm not strung out with a bunch of kids.”

“Not yet,” Alvey joked. 

“I'd say that I'm pretty in control of my life.”

“Yeah. Here's to that.” Alvey clinked his glass against hers.

“Sorry,” Alicia said after she swallowed. “I didn't mean to, like, just go off on that. I know you have a lot on your mind.” 

“No. You are... You're part of the family now, okay? We love you. We're glad you're here.” 

She nodded, drinking in the words. She hadn’t heard anything like this in… maybe forever. “Thank you,” she said sincerely. Then her phone buzzed. She glanced down. “Oh, shit. Alright, it's time to go.”

“Yeah,” Alvey muttered, “you have fun.” 

“You're not coming?” she asked, tugging her pass back over her head.

“And do what, sit on my hands?” He shook his head. “Text me when it's over and tell me who won.” 

“Alright. Thanks for the drinks.”

“Yeah.”  
  
  


* * *

 

“This is your fucking time!” Nate yelled, smearing Vaseline onto Jay’s eyebrows. “Nobody deserves this more than you.” 

All the hugs had been given, the pep talks were done, and the fanged mouth guard Nate and Zoey surprised Jay with was in. Everything was ready. 

Jay somersaulted into the octagon, and Zoey gave Nate one last squeeze before they went to sit in front of the cage. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the cage, also representing Navy St. MMA, Venice, California, the reigning and defending King Beast lightweight champion of the world, Ryan Wheeler!”

Ryan was all business as he got prepped for the cage. It went fast to Jay – usually the waiting seemed much slower. But not today.

“Once again, your referee in charge of the action, Mike Beltran, with the final instructions.”

Mike stepped up, his beard swinging. “Five rounds of championship action scheduled. Let's go, gentlemen. Bring it in.” 

Jay and Ryan both obeyed.

“All right, gentlemen, this is the main event. Protect yourself at all times. Obey my commands at all times. Touch gloves now if you want.” 

They did.

“At the sound of the bell, come on out and handle your business, guys. Let's go.”

Jay and Ryan moved slowly to the center of the octagon and met in the middle for a hug. Zoey smiled at the sweetness, but she was also dreading what was to come. One of those boys – one of her _brothers_ – had to come out of that cage the loser. She prayed to god that it wasn’t Jay. 

Ryan landed several strikes and quickly had Jay up against the cage wall.

“You know what to do!” Nate shouted. “We prepared for this!”

Jay kicked off the wall, but Ryan pinned him back on it. Jay got off again, and Ryan slammed him back a third time.

“Fuck,” Nate and Zoey spat in sync. 

Jay scrambled out and ran, getting behind Ryan and lifting him up. Jay landed three solid punches, and Nate cried, “Fuck yeah!” 

“Nice! Get him, Jay!” Zoey shouted. “Yeah!”

Jay had Ryan on the canvas, smashing his fist into him over and over again. The bell rang for the end of the round, and Jay confidently got up and headed for his corner.

“All right, breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Small sips,” Nate directed, tipping the water bottle into Jay’s mouth. “Great fucking round. Amazing fucking round. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. He can't take you down. Just stay with the game plan. You'll win this fucking fight. You understand what I'm saying? Leg kicks – low, low, high. Keep attacking. Keep being aggressive. Stay in this fucking fight. It's _your_ fight. It's _your_ time.”

“All right, gentlemen, second round! You ready to fight?”

Jay nodded.

“You ready to fight?”

Ryan nodded. 

“Hit it! Let's go!”

The two danced to the middle and touched gloves again before they began. Zoey was holding Mac around the arm, but he was paying her no attention. She wasn’t paying anyone any attention either. She just needed something to grab onto. 

Within seconds of the round starting, Ryan slammed Jay into the ground, but Jay made a quick recovery, scooting out from underneath his opponent and struggling for control. He wound up making a complete escape, much to Nate’s surprise and pleasure. He squeezed Zoey’s arm, cheering. 

The excitement was extremely short-lived, though, because Ryan was soon slamming Jay into the ground again, and this time, the Destroyer managed to stay on top of the Kulina boy. There was definitely blood, and Zoey was sure it was coming out of her biological brother. Jay was caught in a chokehold, and Nate was yelling, “Don’t you fucking tap! _Don’t_ tap, Jay! Don’t you fucking tap!” 

Zoey was crouched down so the canvas was at her eye level. She watched Jay’s face turn redder and redder, unknowingly holding her breath with him.

Finally, _finally_ , the bell rang, and Jay was free. That first breath of air in his lungs tasted so goddamn sweet…

“You're good,” Nate told him. “Sit. Sit. Sit. Okay. Sit. Sit. Sit. Sit. Sit. You're good. Sit. Sit down. Sit down. You're good. Have some water. Listen, you look good. You're gonna win this fucking fight. You hear me? You're gonna win this fight, but listen – it's a fight now, okay? Fuck your conscience. No. _Fuck_ your conscience! You got to fucking work that leg, cause he's fucking trying to kill you. Fuck your conscience. It's not your friend. Get in there. Get this job done. You’ve got to win this fight. Come on. Look at me. Look at me.” 

Jay finally looked.

“It's _your_ fight. It's _your_ time. Let's go! You hear me? Stick with it. Let's go, Jay. Come on. Stay on top. Let's go.”

The third round was like nothing Zoey had every experienced. Every comment she’d gotten growing up about how violent and bloodthirsty MMA was, how pointless the aggression and pain were, how savage the guys were that participated… for the first time in her life, she could see it. She could fucking see it _all._ It had never even registered before that this was anything other than a sport, but in that moment when blood was dripping from Jay’s forehead at the fault of his best friend? She would have been happy if she never saw another fight in her lifetime. 

There was a scramble, though, and suddenly and Nate and Zoey were on their feet, both of them communicating with Jay only through hushed whispers. 

“Come on, Jay. Yes. Yes! Come on…”

"You got this, man, you got him, you got him."

Jay had caught Ryan in a triangle choke.

“Tap,” he hissed at his best friend. “Tap, Ryan. Fucking tap! You’re gonna fucking break! Tap, motherfucker!”

Nate and Zoey were beside themselves screaming for their brother. “Hold it, Jay, _don’t_ let go! You got this, just hold on!”

“Fucking tap, man, or I’m gonna fucking break it!” Jay begged. “Tap, Ryan. Tap. Come on, tap!”

Zoey noticed what was happening, and yelled, “Ry, tap!” 

Nate glanced at her and then back at the fight. “Oh, fuck. Ryan, tap!” he shouted. “Tap!”

“Show me your tap, Ryan,” Jay pleaded. “Show me your nerve, Ryan. Show me your nerve.”

When Ryan still didn’t respond, Jay steeled himself to do what he had to before the round ended. He squeezed his knees as hard as he could, and Ryan’s eyes fell shut. 

“He’s out!” Jay yelled to Mike, who obviously had seen. The referee pushed Jay to get him to unclench his knees and let his best friend down, but Jay insisted on going slowly as not to hurt Ryan any further. 

Jay hovered anxiously over the medics as they tended to Ryan and waited until his eyes opened to let himself realize that he’d won – he’d fucking _won._ He beat _Ryan fucking Wheeler_.

Nate and Zoey bounded into the cage and straight for their brother’s arms. He was sweaty and bloody as fuck, but then, they were all one in spirit. The younger ones didn’t mind a little blood, especially when it meant victory.

“Ladies and gentlemen, referee in charge Mike Beltran steps in and calls a halt to this bout; the official time: two minutes and twenty-seven seconds of round number 3; your winner by triangle choke and new King Beast lightweight champion of the world – Jay Kulina!”

Jay’s hand was raised, but it was bittersweet watching his best friend storm out of the cage. Still, Nate and Zoey’s sweet faces beaming proudly up at him was more than a little consolation.  


* * *

 

At the hotel, Jay sighed happily, watching Ava. He was sandwiched between Zoey and Nate on the stark white couch. “She's a fucking angel,” he mused. 

Nate chuckled. “Maybe.” 

Jay passed Zoey the joint that the three had been sharing and opened a file on his phone. “These are her breasts, Nathaniel. She sent them to me for good luck, and it worked. Only angels are capable of that.”

Zoey laughed and shook her head. “You’re gross, and I’m stealing this,” she noted, kissing the top of his head and disappearing with the joint.

Jay nodded happily and held his fist out for Nate to bump. “You cornered the fucking hell out of me at that fight. You cornered the fucking hell out of me.”

“You fought a great fight.”

“Thank you very much. I think I did.” He looked away, though. “I know what they're gonna say.” 

“What?” Nate asked. 

“That I only won because of his leg,” he said, smiling widely as though it didn’t affect him. But Nate knew it was killing him inside.

“You can't control that, Jay.” 

He inhaled sharply and dropped the fake smile. “Yeah, I know. But that's what they're gonna say.” Regardless, he picked the belt up off the back of the couch and gave it a smooch right in the middle.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, Alvey.” 

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to be my coach?”

“Of course I do. Why would you ask me that?”

“Because this stepping aside and passing me off to Joe shit isn't good enough. I needed you tonight.” 

Alvey sighed. “You fought my son, Ryan.”

“I'm just telling you.”

“Okay. You get some rest. We'll talk in a couple days.”

 

* * *

 

Nate and Zoey had just headed back to the big house when Jay noticed a voicemail on his phone. He sat naked in the king bed, several lines of coke on a literal silver platter in front of him. He clicked the message and did a line while he listened to it. 

“Hey, Jay, it's me. I keep getting your voicemail, so I'm just gonna leave you a message. I'm sure you're out celebrating, man. God knows what the-” his father laughed, “-what the fuck you're doing, but I just wanted to say, uh... I wanted to say congratulations. And I'm... I'm so fucking proud of you, okay? This is a – this is a big deal for you, man. You really turned a corner. And, uh. Well, I – I'm proud of you, okay?”

Jay smiled at his phone. Those words meant so much, but at the same time, they were empty. He knew Alvey would feel differently in the next twelve hours. There was still too much pain and resentment floating between father and son. But still, at least he could hold onto the sentiment for now.

“No need to call me back,” Alvey’s crackly voice continued through the speakerphone. “I'll see you tomorrow. You have fun. Be careful. Bye.”

Everything was fucked up, and it was about to get worse. But for then, Jay was satisfied.

 _King Beast Champion._  

God, it felt so good.  



End file.
